Star Trek: Full Contact

Written by Jason Gaston

Pleasure will be enhanced greatly if at first you watch the movie Star Trek: First Contact before reading this parody. Failure to do so will minimize the joy of reading both the parody and watching the movie since spoilers do follow. Oh, and I am writing this story largely from memory, so if any inconsistencies show up, hey! I’m only human! Thank you, and remember: Resistance is Futile!

This parody is rated: AH: Absolutely Hysterical!!! Readers are advised to visit the restroom before reading this parody.

In Picard’s quarters onboard the new Enterprise-E, Picard is awakened by his communicator.


Picard: ***ZZZZZZZ*** Ungh, I don’t wanna go to school today... ZZZZZ SNORT! What!? Geez, don’t these people know what time it is?

Picard activates his terminal and is greeted by an admiral.

Admiral: Is your refrigerator running, Jean-Luc?

Picard: What?

Admiral: I’m joking. Did I catch you at a bad time?

Picard: Well, actually I...

Admiral: Good. Listen babe, our outpost on Narendra Prime was destroyed.

Picard: Destroyed?

Admiral: Wiped out, obliterated, they’re outta there. I wish to offer my condolences to your crew.

Picard: Why?

Admiral: Didn’t you know? Wesley Crusher lives... well, lived there.

Picard: Who?

Admiral: Wesley Crusher. He was an ensign on the Enterprise for four seasons.

Picard: Doesn’t ring a bell.

Admiral: The Boy, Jean-Luc! The Boy!!!

Picard: Oh, The Boy. Right. So, what’s the bad news, Admiral?

Admiral: We have reason to believe that the attacking force is...

Picard: Yes, I know. The Borg!

Admiral: How’d you know that?

Picard: There’s one behind you.

Picard: Wha...!? AHHH!!!

The Admiral is assimilated as Picard watches.

Out in deep-space, the Enterprise-E is cruising along.

Picard: Captain’s log, movie #2: The moment I have feared for six years has finally happened. The Borg have remembered where the Earth is and have begun an invasion.

In the Observation Lounge, Picard hold a meeting of the Senior staff. Bev now sports blonde unmanageable hair and Geordi now has a pair of bionic eyes. A far cry better than the VISOR, the only drawback is that children are afraid of him now.

Riker: How many ships? A hundred? A thousand?

Picard: One.

Riker: Not much of an invasion, is it?

Picard: They’re on a direct course for Earth, kicking ass and taking names.

Data: At maximum warp, we can be there in a few scenes.

Riker: I mean, since when does one ship constitute an invasion?

Picard: We’re not going.

Troi: What!? You mean for once that the Enterprise is not the only ship in range?

Riker: I thought this movie was supposed to have a bigger budget, the least they could’ve done was given us ten invading ships!

Picard: Starfleet wants us to patrol the Neutral Zone and keep an eye on the Romulans.

Troi: The Romulans!?

Riker: Maybe the invading ship is like the Death Star...

LaForge: The Enterprise-E is the most sophisticated ship in the fleet. We should be on the front lines!

Crusher: Geordi, what happened to your eyes?

LaForge: What happened to your hair?

Riker: Maybe it has a death ray... now that’d be cool!

Picard: Everyone, please! Starfleet’s orders stand. Mr. Data, set a course for the Neutral Zone.

Data: Aye sir.

Everyone leaves, leaving Riker alone in the dark.

Riker: I wonder if it’s the ship from “The Best of Both Worlds” or “Descent.”

Later, in Picard’s Quarters.

Music: [deafening] BOOM!!! Shaka-laka shaka-laka shaka-laka shaka- BOOM...

Riker: Sir why are we chasing comets?

Picard: What?

Riker: I said, why are we chasing comets!?

Picard: What?

Riker: Why are we chasing comets!!!???

Picard: If you’re going to vomit, go to the bathroom!

Riker: Captain, could you turn down the music!!!???

Picard: [turns off music] Now, what about vomit?

Riker: Why are we out here chasing comets when we should be kicking some Borg butt back on Earth?

Picard: Starfleet thinks that I can’t be trusted since I was assimilated by the Borg all those years ago. I might be “an unstable element.”

Riker: [a pause] Oh... Just asking.

Troi: [over intercom] Troi to captain Picard. We’ve just received word from Earth. They’ve engaged the Borg.

Riker: Isn’t that sweet? I wonder when the wedding will be.

Picard: Oh, shut up.

On the bridge, the situation is tense as Picard and Riker enters.

Picard: Mr. Data, put Starfleet channel B on speakers.

Data: Sorry sir, the battle is exclusively on Pay-Per-View.

Picard: Damn you, Don King! Very well, turn on Pay-Per-View.

Voices: [overlapping] We’re hit! Alpha group, engage! Lock S-Foils in attack positions! Large pepperoni hold the anchovies! Can someone give me a jump? Hull breach!

Borg: [drowning out all other voices] We interrupt this battle with a bulletin from the EBS. (Emergency Borg-casting System.) We are the Borg. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Resistance is Futile. We now return you to “Star Trek: Full Contact,” already in progress.

Voices: Who was that? Hey, watch where you’re going! Fire! Hull Breach! We’re gonna blow!!! Well... maybe not. Lucky us! Auuuuuugh! Do you have Prince Albert in a can? We’re all going to die!!! Did the captain of the Lexington just flip us off? Hull breach! Hull br—

Picard: [turns off speakers] Mr. Eagle...

Hawk: Hawk, sir.

Picard: Whatever. Set a course to Earth, maximum warp! I’m about to disobey orders. If any of you have a problem with it, you can speak now. It will be filed and ignored.

No one speaks.

Picard: Alllllllllllll rightly then! Engage!

The Enterprise-E jumps to Warp.

Later, the massive Borg Cube closes in on Earth, wiping out starship after starship. The tiny ship USS Defiant runs straight at the cube shooting every weapon it’s got. The cube shoots back, chewing away at the Defiant. On board, Lt. Commander Worf is having the time of his life.

Worf: [smiling] Report!!!

Helmsman: We’re all going to die!

Worf: Bitchin’! Prepare for ramming speed!!!

Helmsman: Wait! The Enterprise has just showed up!

Worf: Aw, man! I don’t get to die anymore!

On the Enterprise Bridge...

Picard: Beam the Defiant survivors aboard.

Riker: Sir, the Admiral’s ship has been destroyed.

Picard: Good, I never did like that old windbag. Open a channel to the fleet.

Data: Channel open.

Picard: To all ships: This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise. I’m taking command of the fleet.

Voices: [overlapping] What? Who is this guy??? Who does he think he is? What a jack-off! Is he going to try to reason with them? I really hate that.

Picard: Target all weapons on that round thing on the bottom of the cube.

Riker: The fleet’s responding. They’re waiting for your signal.

Picard: Fire.

All the ships fire and the cube goes boom. Unbeknownst to the Enterprise crew but beknownst to us, a smaller spherical ship is launched from the disintegrating cube and screams toward Earth.

Riker: Uhhhh... guys?

Data: How did you do that?

Picard: Simple, Mr. Data, that’s where the Borg stash all of their illegal fireworks.

Riker: Excuse me.

Troi: How’d you know that?

Picard: I can hear them.

Riker: Excuse me!

Troi: Now, Captain, you remember what we said about the voices.

Picard: Not that, you twit! I can hear the Borg as though we are still connected.

Troi: Oh.

Riker: Excuse me!!!

Picard and Troi: What?!

Riker: Don’t you think we should be chasing after that Borg Sphere?

Picard: Mon Dieu! Where’d that come from?

The Enterprise starts chasing the sphere, which has a large lead. Meanwhile, Crusher brings a mangled and bloody Worf to the bridge.

Crusher: Captain, this man claims to know you.

Picard: Have we met before, commander?

Worf: It’s me! Worf!

Picard: Worf who?

Worf: Worf Worf!

Picard: Oh, yeah! Welcome aboard the Enterprise-E, Mr. Worf!

Worf: The Defiant?

Picard: No, this is the Enterprise, Worf.

Worf: I mean, how is the Defiant??

Picard: She’s still in one piece. Some guy named Crisco or something is flying it back to that space station of yours.

Worf: Oh.

Hawk: Captain!

Picard: What is it, Mr. Vulture?

Hawk: Hawk!!!

Picard: Whatever.

Hawk: Something weird is happening to the sphere. It’s emitting cronome... crom... c... cron... crono...

Data: Chronometric particles.

Hawk: What he said.

Picard: What’s the sphere’s speed?

Data: Approaching 88 miles per hour.

The Borg sphere vanishes in a bright light, leaving a pair of fire trails behind. The Enterprise is hit by a special effect. The crew is shaken.

Picard: What the hell was that?

Hawk: We’re caught in the wake of those particle thingies!

Worf: Captain! Earth!

Picard: Yes, I know.

Worf: No, look at it!

Earth looks like something out of the final levels on Sonic the Hedgehog. The surface is completely covered with machinery and the ocean is drained.

Data: I’m detecting over nine bazillion lifeforms. All Borg!

Troi: How?

Riker: Kemosabe!

Troi: No, how did it happen!?

Picard: They went back in time and assimilated earth. Changed history!

Crusher: If they’ve changed history, why are we still here?

Riker: If we disappeared, It would be a short movie.

Picard: Hold your course, Mr. Finch!

Hawk: Hawk!!!

Picard: I must follow them back... repair whatever damage they’ve done!

Hawk: It’s a predatory bird!

The Enterprise vanishes, leaving a pair of fire trails behind.

Meanwhile, in the past Zefram Cochrane and his assistant, Lily, are stumbling out of a bar.

Cochrane: Bye Sam, bye Woody, bye Norm... (hic)

Lily: You’ve got to slow down Zef. You can’t blast off tomorrow drunk. Friends don’t let friend drive drunk you know... Zef, what’s that in the sky?

Cochrane: Those are fireflies... Fireflies that got stuck up in that big bluish black thing.

Lily: No, that!

The thing starts shooting, destroying everything in Cochrane’s little city. Meanwhile, the Enterprise emerges from the rift.

Picard: Report!

Hawk: Shields, Long range sensors, and the espresso machine are down.

Worf: Captain!

The Borg ship is shooting at Earth.

Picard: Mr. Worf, fire the photon torpedoes!

Worf: We don’t have photon torpedoes. We have quantum torpedoes.

Picard: Quantum torpedoes? What’s the difference?

Worf: Quantum torpedoes work.

Picard: I see. Well, shoot them.

The sphere goes boom.

Riker: I knew it! The Death Star!

Picard: Data, when are we?

Data: April 4th, 2063!

Riker: The day before Earth’s First Contact with an alien species!

Crusher: Then the Borg must have been shooting at the missile silo where Neil Armstrong is building his warp ship!

Picard: Bev, how’s your history?

Crusher: Not good.

Picard: It shows. Let’s beam down and look at the damage.

In Engineering.

LaForge: Porter, check on the temperature in here. It’s getting awfully hot.

Porter: Aye sir.

In Cochrane’s missile silo, Picard and Data examine the warp ship, the SS Minnow.

Picard: Is it damaged, Data?

Data: A little bit, but it should be no problem to fix it.

Lily, obviously deranged with fear, starts shooting at them with a machine gun.

Picard: Yah! Hey, you crazy bitch! We’re here to help you!

Lily: Bullshit!!! [Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat!!!]

Data: Leave this to me Captain.

Data jumps down to the bottom level. Grabs Lily’s gun and slams her into a wall.

Data: Captain, This woman requires medical attention!

Back on the Enterprise...

Porter: I can’t figure out why it’s so dad-blasted hot on this ship.

Woman: Did you check the thermostat?

Porter: Do you honestly think I would check hundreds of subsystems without checking the thermostat? [a pause] I’ll be right back.

Porter ducks into a Jefferies tube and screams.

Woman: Paul? Paul? Are you okay?

Audience: Call for security!!! Call for backup!!! Don’t go in there!!!

The woman enters Jefferies tube and screams.

Meanwhile, down on Earth, Picard gets a funny feeling.

Picard: You know, Data, I just got a funny feeling. Picard to Enterprise!

Worf: Worf here.

Picard: Is everything all right up there?

Worf: Engineering just got hotter than hell and we have two missing crew members, but other than that, everything’s peachy.

Picard: Mr. Data and I are returning to the ship.

Worf: So? What do you want me to do? Roll out the red carpet?

Back on the Enterprise, in Sickbay Dr. Crusher is tending to Lily.

Crusher: There, she’s all better now.

Ogawa: Good job, doctor.

Crusher: Any idea as to why it’s so hot in here?

Something starts banging on the door.

Crusher: I hear you knocking but you can’t come in!

Ogawa: Good thing we always keep the sickbay doors locked.

Crusher: Yes... a conveniently good thing.

Meanwhile, on the Bridge...

Picard: Report!

Worf: We just lost all contact with Deck 16. I just sent a few security teams there to...

Picard: No! Seal off Deck 16 and post guards on all entryways!

Worf: Okay, I’ll call the guards back then. Hmmm.... no response. Oh well!

Picard: Mr. Parrot, what was the exact atmospheric readings in engineering before we lost sensors?

Hawk: Hawk, sir. Let’s see. Humidity 95%, fair skies and 80 degrees. Tomorrow’s forecast calls for...

Picard: Thank you and shut up.

Data: Captain, what is wrong?

Picard: It’s the Borg! They must have beamed over to the Enterprise before we blew them up!

The lights go out and that “wrrrrrrrrrrr” sound happens.

Hawk: Control is being rerouted to engineering! Navigation! Life Support! Airbags! Everything!

Picard: Data! Lock out the main computer!

Data messes with a control panel.

Data: I have installed Windows 95 onto the main computer. It is highly unlikely they will figure out how to use it without the instructions, which are stored in my neural net.

Picard: First the Borg will assimilate the Enterprise and then... Earth. This is just what I needed.

In Sickbay, Beverly is slapping and shaking Lily.

Crusher: Hey you! Wake up!

Lily: W-Where am I!?!?!?

Crusher: It’s okay. Listen, I don’t want you to panic or anything, but there are about fifty evil bionic zombies trying to break down that door and get in here to kill us or worse. Now, come on!

Lily: Uh... ok.

Crusher: Nurse Ogawa! Is the EMH online?

Ogawa: The what?

Crusher: Never mind. Stay behind and make a distraction.

Ogawa: What!?

Crusher: That’s an order!!!

Ogawa stays behind as the others escape. Finally, the Borg break down the door.

Ogawa: Umm.... hi. You probably think that I’m a person. But I’m not. I’m a holographic doctor! Yeah! That’s the ticket!

The Borg push Ogawa out of the way and try to bust into Crusher’s escape route.

Ogawa: Hmph! And I thought getting ignored on the show was bad enough.

The Borg continue to ignore Ogawa, so she leaves. On Earth, Riker strolls into a bar and finds Troi and Cochrane.

Cochrane: Who’s this jerk?

Riker: My name’s Will Riker.

Cochrane: And my names Flip. As in, I don’t give a...

Troi: [Barfs on Riker’s shoes]

Riker: Deanna, you’re drunk.

Troi: I am not! Listen, Will, we’re going to have to tell him the truth! I’ve already told us our cover story about being a group of teens who travel around the country in a green van solving mysteries with our Great Dane...

Riker: And...?

Troi: He didn’t believe me.

Riker: Okay, let’s tell him the truth.

Back on the Enterprise, Picard has enlisted the help on the Colonial Space Marines from the movie Aliens.

Vasquez: I only need to know one thing, man, where they are!

Hicks: You’re just too bad, Vasquez.

Hudson: Yeah, but when they said aliens, she thought they said illegal aliens signed up!

Vasquez: Fuck you, man.

Hudson: Anytime, anywhere.

Picard: Mr. Worf, are you sure these guys can handle the Borg? They seem a little...

Drake: [BELCH]

Picard: ...Crass.

Worf: Captain, these are tough hombres.

Picard: I’m sure they are. ...Listen, our primary goal once we get to engineering should be to break the plasma cooling tanks.

Data: An excellent idea sir. Plasma will liquefy organic material instantly.

Vasquez: What did he say, man?

Picard: It will make the Borg melt.

Marines: Cool! Bitchin! All right!

Picard: All right, let’s go!

Apone: Are you ready?

Marines: Yeah!!!

Apone: Are you pumped?

Marines: Yeah!!!

Apone: What are ya!!!???

Marines: Really mean Marines!!!

Apone: Ahhhhhhh.... Absolutely Badasses! Let’s move ’em out!

Worf: Captain, can I keep them?

Picard: If you keep them off the furniture, I’ll think about it.

Back on Earth...

Cochrane: Let me see if I got this straight. You guys are telling me that there is a group of intergalactic space zombies on your spaceship, which is from the future, here to enslave Earth?

Riker: Yeah.

Cochrane: Sounds like V.

Troi: Actually, it was lizard men from outer space in V.

Cochrane: I thought that was War of the Worlds?

Troi: No, no, no... We never actually saw those aliens.

Riker: Excuse me, but I think we’re getting a little off the subject here. Perhaps if you look through this telescope Geordi has aligned.

Cochrane pushes Geordi out of the way.

LaForge: Wait a minute! I haven’t actually...

Cochrane: Hot damn! That’s the prettiest-looking spaceship I’ve ever seen!

Riker: Let me see that! ...Geordi! This telescope is pointed at a women’s dorm! I know you’re a lonely guy, but come on! This is serious!

LaForge: [realigns telescope] All right. I’m sorry.

Riker: There, now look.

Cochrane: [looks] It’s a trick! How’d you do that?

Troi: It’s no trick! That’s our ship, the Enterprise, and If you don’t make your warp flight tomorrow, the future is done for!

Cochrane: Why?

Riker: Because at 10:00 AM, an alien ship will pass through is sector and detect your warp signature. Then they will land their spaceship and make First Contact with Earth right here. After that, everything changes. Mankind become nicer and more prolific. We spread like a plague throughout the galaxy, imposing our own morals on other races. It’s glorious!!!

Troi: So what do you say, doc?

Cochrane: Why not? It not like I had anything planned tomorrow.

In the bowels of the Enterprise, Picard, Data, Worf, and the Colonial Space Marines slink trough the corridors on their mission to destroy the Borg.

Drake: What’s That!?

Drake mindlessly shoots his gun-o-death at the wall. A nurse falls out dead.

Crusher: Stop firing, you idiots! It’s us!

Picard: The sickbay staff! Gomez, escort these people off this deck!

Crusher: Captain, that Lily person we beamed up with. We got separated and...

Ogawa: [Entering from another tube] That’s not what happened.

Crusher: Shut up, Alyssa.

Ogawa: Dr. Crusher made her stay behind as a diversion.

Crusher: You lie!

Crusher and Ogawa get into a catfight. Picard eventually breaks them up.

Picard: Bev, we’ll keep an eye out for your patient. Now leave, you’re upsetting the Marines.

Crusher and the sickbay staff are ushered off the deck.


Picard: Whoa!

Two Borg walk toward the Marines.

Picard: Hold your fire! They won’t attack us until they see us as a threat.

Vasquez: Until they see us as a threat!? We’re a bunch of Marines with really big guns, and they don’t see us as a threat???!!!

The Borg walk right past the Space Marines, who look genuinely pissed. After passing through a gauntlet of uninterested Borg, the team reaches the door to Engineering.

Picard: Damn! It’s locked. Who’s idea was it to put a lock on Engineering!?

Data: Yours.

Picard: And a damn good idea it was at the time.

Data: Perhaps I can force the doors open.

Picard: No, wait! I’ve got it! Data, force the doors open.

Data’s android arms begin prying the doors to Engineering open. As this is going on, Worf is staring at a Borg who is asleep in his little compartment in the wall. Suddenly, he blows it away with his phaser-bazooka.

Picard: Worf! Why did you do that!? They weren’t going to attack us until they see us as a threat!

Worf: I did not like the way he was looking at me.

Vasquez: Let’s rock!!!

The Space Marines begin blasting away at the oncoming Borg.

Picard: This is insane! Regroup on deck 15!

Worf: What about the Marines?

Picard: They seem perfectly happy here. Let’s not disturb them.

Picard, Data, and Worf begin retreating.

Picard: Now listen Worf, I think that...

Data: Captain!!!

Picard: Don’t interrupt me, Data! Now as I was saying...

Worf: Captain! The Borg have Data!

Picard: Huh?

Picard swings his head around just in time to see Data, being dragged by fifty Borg, disappear through a door.

Picard: Data!!! [a pause] Oh well...

Picard and Worf run away, while the Borg easily assimilate the Space Marines. Picard and Worf duck into a Jefferies Tube. As Picard climbs through the tube he... What!? What are you doing in here? Hey! Stop! AHHHHHHHH!!!!


[Attention please. We are the Borg. We have assimilated your narrator to add his biological distinctiveness to our own, and because he isn’t a very good narrator. We do not see any need to continue this parody, however, we are not totally heartless. We will continue with “Star Trek: Full Contact” with the Borg as the Narrator. As we rejoin the story, a wonderful turn of events has taken place. Cochrane’s assistant, Lily, has taken Captain Picard hostage and is about to kill him. Let’s watch.]

Lily: Who are you!?

Picard: By name is Jean-Luc Picard and...

Lily: Who are you with!? The Eastern Coalition?

Picard: Paramount.

Lily: Get me out of here!

Picard: That may not be easy.

Lily: Yeah, and you may not be alive in the near future.

Picard: All right... follow me.

Lily: Slow!

Picard: I would prefer fast under the circumstances.

[Meanwhile, down on the ugly green planet Earth, the inferior crew of the USS Enterprise N-C-C-1-7-0-1-E is talking to Zefram Cochrane.]

Barclay: Dr. Cochrane...

Cochrane: What now?

Barclay: Could you please say, “that’ll do pig?”

Lily: “That’ll do pig!?”

Barclay: Oh, thank you! Thank you!

LaForge: Reg?

Barclay: Yes?

LaForge: Go away.

Barclay: Okay.

Cochrane: Do they have to keep doing that?

LaForge: It’s just a little hero worship doc. [a pause] Man, I wish I had a picture of this.

Cochrane: Of what?

LaForge: You are standing almost on the spot where your crypt will be in the future.

Cochrane: Crypt?!

LaForge: Yeah, well, you see... twenty years after your warp flight, you die very slowly of radiation poisoning and what’s left of your body is buried here. After another ten years, grave robbers come by and steal your head and sell it on the black market, where it’s grounded into a fine powder and drank by Voodoo witch doctors who think that... Doctor Cochrane? Now where do you suppose he ran off to?

[Back on the Human’s ship Enterprise...]

Picard: Look, Lily, I know that this is going to sound weird, but you are on a spaceship.

Lily: Shut up and get me out of here!

Picard: Okay, fine! You want a way out, here it is!

[Picard rolls down a window to reveal Earth spinning below.]

Lily: What!? What is this!?

Picard: Australia, New Guinea, Roseanne... I know this is hard for you to understand, but you have to trust me.

Lily: Okay. [Lily give Picard the phaser]

Picard: Thank you. Hey! This thing was on setting one.

Lily: So?

Picard: If you would have shot me, it would have tickled.

Lily: It’s my first ray gun.

[Meanwhile, in the Enterprise Engine Room, Data meets the stunningly beautiful Borg Queen. Sure, she’s only a head and shoulders and she’s slimy and evil and...

Queen: Get on with it!

...Oh, right... Anyway, Data meets the Borg Queen.]

Data: Who are you?

Queen: Weren’t you listening to the narrator? I am the Borg Queen.

Data: You’re the queen of the Borg?

Queen: Yes.

Data: Pull the other one!

Queen: I’m serious! [The Borg Queen’s head lowers from the ceiling and attaches to her body] I bring order to chaos. I seek perfection.

Data: [snickering]

Queen: What’s so funny?

Data: Nothing... Bah! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Queen: What!? What is it?

Data: Your head’s on... backwards! Ha Ha Ha!!!

Queen: What!? Oh for goodness sakes! Why didn’t someone tell me my ass was so big!

Mel Brooks: You can’t do that!

Queen: Huh? Who are you?

Mel Brooks: I am Mel Brooks and I featured the “head on backwards” joke in my movie Spaceballs! You can’t just steal jokes like that! Prepare to hear from my lawyer.

Queen: But Mel, the Borg do not steal jokes, we assimilate them. By assimilating your joke, we have brought it closer to perfection.

Mel Brooks: Forgive me, but the Borg couldn’t write a joke if their life depended on it! I, on the other hand, am a master comedian!

Queen: Good point. Take him away!

[Several Borg begin assimilating Mel Brooks.]

Data: Uh... can I go now?

Queen: No. Do you know what this is, Data?

Data: My arm.

Queen: What is on your arm?

Data: My uniform sleeve.

Queen: [miffed] Below that, Data...

Data: It appears you are grafting organic skin onto me!

Queen: What a cold description for such a wonderful gift.

Data: Gift, my fanny! All you want from me is the instructions to Windows 95 so you can break into the main computer!

Queen: Yeah, it’s an even trade! Cool huh?

Data: I guess...

Queen: [Blows on Data’s arm]

Data: Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Queen: That’s what I like to call a “borgasm.”

Data: Whoa, Mama! That felt good.

[Meanwhile, Picard and Lily sneak through the Enterprise corridors trying to get to the bridge. What’s the point? Don’t they know that Resistance is Futile?!]

Lily: This ship is huge! How much did it cost to build?

Picard: The economy of the future are somewhat different. You see, In my century, money doesn’t exist.

Lily: That much, huh?

Picard: No, no... you see, in the future we seek to better ourselves.

Lily: Then why haven’t they cured baldness yet?

Picard: [offended] Listen, I’m trying to get you out of here, but if you don’t shut up I’m gonna....

Lily: Whaaaaaaa!

Picard: Yes, scream. Exactly.

Lily: No you idiot! Look over there!

[Picard turns and sees the many Borg redecorating the Enterprise into a great and beautiful ship. Much, much better than those brightly lit halls they used to have. Idiotically, Captain Picard fires a phaser at two of the workers. The workers go after them, chasing them into a Holodeck that is running that Dickboy Hill program the Captain seems to be so fond of.]

Lily: What are you doing?

Picard: We can dance with each other and blend in with the characters in the holodeck. The Borg will never be able to find us!

[The Borg cut power to the Holodeck, and the holo-characters disappear, leaving Picard and Lily dancing alone in the empty room.]

Picard: Shit!!!

Lily: What do we do now!?

Picard: Nothing. Not unless you still have that...

Lily: [whips out machine gun and mows down the Borg]

Picard: ...machine gun of yours.

Lily: Never leave home without it.

Picard: [ripping the Borg’s guts out]

Lily: Jeez, Jean-Luc! If you’re hungry there’s got to be a vending machine somewhere around here!

Picard: I’m not hungry, you twit! I’m looking for the Borg’s neural processor! Ah here it is. ...That’s funny. The tricorder isn’t reading any data.

Lily: That’s because you’ve got his liver. What is a neurotic processor anyway?

Picard: It’s a chip that every Borg has. It tells them what to do. I think I’ve found it.

Chip: Get up! Get up! Kick their asses!

Picard: Yep. This is it. By reading this, I’ll be able to find out what devious plot the Borg are conjuring. [reads tricorder] I’ve got to get to the bridge.

[Picard and Lily run away leaving the two brave fallen Borg where they murdered them. It’s a time of great sadness. Meanwhile, on the bridge, the ugly Klingon is—]

[ZAP!!! Sizzle...]

Worf: Report!

Redshirt: The Borg were advancing on us fast sir. Then, when they got to Deck 10. They just stopped!

Worf: How is the fighting going?

Redshirt: Not to good sir, the only headway we’ve made is that we killed that Borg that took over as narrator.

Worf: Thank god for that. Okay, report to your post, Ensign Redshirt.

Redshirt: Uhh... [gulp] Okay.

Worf: The Borg have assimilated over half of this ship and now they stop. Why? What is on deck ten?

Hawk: Hydroponics, Deflector Control, the Food Court... No essential systems!

Worf: They would not stop unless it gave them a tactical advantage.

Noise: [knock knock]

Hawk: Who’s there?

Worf: What?

Hawk: You said “knock knock.”

Worf: I did no such thing!

Noise: [knock knock]

Crusher: It’s coming from the floor!

Worf: Who’s down there!?

Picard: It’s me!

Worf: Me who?

Picard: Captain Picard!

Hawk: He could have been assimilated, sir.

Worf: Point taken. Captain...

Picard: What?

Worf: We can’t let you up here without the secret password.

Picard: Secret what?

Worf: What is the secret password!?!?!?!?

Picard: “Demotion.”

Worf: It’s him. He may enter.

Picard: [entering] I think I found something you lost, Bev.

Lily: [giving Bev the evil eye] I’ll deal with you later.

Crusher: Oooo, I’m scared!

Picard: Report.

Worf: The Borg have take the ship up to Deck 10, and the story’s narrator is dead.

Picard: We have a bigger problem. The Borg are turning the main deflector dish into an interplexing beacon.

Hawk: Interplexing?

Picard: That’s right, Mr. Mayna.

Hawk: Hawk.

Picard: Whatever. When the Borg have completed the beacon, they’ll be able to send for reinforcements of Borg from the Delta Quadrant.

Worf: The Delta Quadrant? Isn’t that where the USS Voyager is currently located?

Picard: Why, yes Worf, it is, and now with the revelation that the Borg originate in the Delta Quadrant, The Voyager will be up to its neck in hard-core action. That’s Star Trek: Voyager, every Wednesday night at 8:00 on UPN.

Hawk: What do we do?

Picard: Set our VCRs.

Hawk: I mean about the interplastic bacon.

Picard: You, Worf, and I will put on our spacesuits and destroy the bacon... uh... I mean beacon ourselves.

Hawk: Me!? Why me!?

Picard: Regulation 46-A says that on any dangerous mission, established characters are to be accompanied by at least on nameless redshirt.

Hawk: What about him!? [points at Ensign Redshirt]

Picard: He’s scheduled to be killed in the montage.

Redshirt: Excuse me?

Picard: Come on, let’s go.

Crusher: Jean-Luc, wait!

Picard: Bev? Are you still here?

Crusher: Yes. What about the Narrator? We can’t go on without a narrator.

Picard: Good point. Just active the ENH program.

Crusher: ENH?

Picard: The Emergency Narration Hologram. [Picard and company leaves]

Crusher: Computer: Activate the ENH program.

[Please state the nature of the literary emergency]

Crusher: We were halfway through a parody and our regular narrator was killed.

[Name of the story?]

Crusher: “Star Trek: Full Contact.”


Crusher: Ahem!

[Oh, very well!]

[Leaving little Miss Country Doctor, we journey to Earth where Riker and Geordi are in pursuit of Cochrane.]

Riker: Dr. Cochrane, don’t run! We’re your friends!

Cochrane: Bull! You guys stay away from me! [Cochrane starts running]

Riker: We don’t have time for this. Phasers on kill.

LaForge: Stun, sir.

Riker: Right, stun. Fire!

[Riker and LaForge shoot Cochrane.]

Cochrane: I thought... you said... you were... my friends.

Riker: We are.

Cochrane: You have a damn funny way of showing it...

[As Cochrane’s friends tend to the third degree burns on his back, we return to the Enterprise’s engine room where the Borg Queen is trying to seduce Data.]

Queen: How do you like the skin, Dada?

Data: Data.

Queen: Whatever.

Data: It’s fine except for...

Queen: Except for what?

Data: Oh, it’s nothing.

Queen: No, what is it?

Data: Well, it’s just that...

Queen: Tell me, what?

Data: It itches.

Queen: Oh. What can I do?

Data: Could you release my arms so that I might scratch it?

Queen: I can’t do that.

Data: Why?

Queen: You’ll try to escape.

Data: I will not!

Queen: Will!

Data: Won’t!

Queen: You will too. And you just used a contraction.

Data: No, I didn’t!

Queen: Okay, if I release your arms will you promise not to escape?

Data: Yes.

Queen: Cross your heart?

Data: Yes.

Queen: Hope to die?

Data: Yessssssss!

Queen: Okay, I’m going to release you now. Remember you promised!

[Data escapes and beats up the Queen. Several Borg (formerly the starting line of the Dallas Cowboys) tackle the brave android and shove him in front of the Queen.]

Queen: [getting up] You’re becoming more human all the time, Data. Now you’re learning how to lie.

Data: [shrugs]

Queen: How much do you know about physical forms of pleasure?

Data: I am programmed in multiple techniques and positions.

Queen: How long since you used them?

Data: Episode #2. “The Naked Now.”

Queen: Far too long. [kisses Data]

[Quickly leaving this disgusting development, we journey into space where Picard. Worf, and Condor...]

Hawk: Hawk! Hawk, dammit!!!

[...Whatever. ...Are preparing to release the main deflector. Now, for it to work, all three of the maglock have to be released at once. (Makes perfect sense.) Now, Picard unlocks his easily. Hawk begins to unlock his when a Borg starts toward him. Unimpressed, the edgy ensign takes out his bazooka and blows the Borg to smithereens. Worf barely manages to unlock his when another Borg notices something is up and begins to tromp towards him. Worf fires his bazooka which doesn’t phase the Borg one bit. Undaunted, Worf pulls out his sword and slices and dices his enemy to pieces. Triumphant, the Klingon bends over to pick up his phaser and splits his pants. The loss of oxygen causes him to pass out. Another Borg starts toward Hawk. Picard sees this and tries to warn his trusty helmsman.]

Picard: Hey, lookout Falcon! No... uh... Pigeon! Uhhh uhh... Parakeet! No, that’s not it. It’s... it’s... uh... Duck! Damn. No, it’s... Hawk!!!


[The Borg drag Hawk away as Picard watches. The Borg then turn their sights on Picard who helplessly backs away. Suddenly...]

[At this point, the film breaks in the projector. After an hour of the audience throwing Milk Duds at the screen, the film starts again with Picard and Worf back on the bridge.]

Crusher: Bravo on you actions outside.

Picard: We were good, weren’t we?

Crusher: Too bad about Hawk.

Picard and Worf: Who?

[Meanwhile, down on Earth, Cochrane is preparing the SS Minnow for launch.]

Riker: Ready to launch doc?

Cochrane: I don’t know if I really want to... [Riker pulls his phaser] Oh! Yeah! I can’t wait to get up into the wild blue yonder! You betcha!

Riker: Get ready to launch. You’ve got less than an hour.

Cochrane: Yessir!

[Back on the Enterprise.]

Redshirt: It’s pretty bad sir. The Borg just overran every checkpoint we have! It’s like they’ve gone mad! Mad, I tell you!!! Mad!!!!

Worf: What are you doing?

Redshirt: I’m going for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar.

Worf: Quit it.

Redshirt: Aye, sir.

Worf: Our choice is obvious. We must activate the auto destruct system and evacuate the Enterprise.

Crusher: Don’t you mean evacuate the Enterprise and then activate the auto-destruct?

Worf: That’s what I said. Destroy, then evacuate!

Picard: No! We’re going to stay and fight!

Worf: Don’t you mean try to reason with?

Picard: No! I mean stay and fight!!! [Picard leaves]

Worf: I am pleasantly surprised!

Lily: Hold up! If we can get off this ship and blow it up, let’s do it!

Crusher: The captain has made up his mind and we are going to follow his orders!

Lily: That’s stupid! [chases after Picard]

Picard: [to Lily] Get out!

Lily: This is so unlike you Jean-Luc! You’re not the kind of man to fight! You’re a diplomat, not a warrior!

Picard: Nobody knows the Borg as I do, Lily! I will make them pay for what they did to me. Klingon honor demands vengeance! The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers!

Lily: What did you say?

Picard: I said the streets will flow with the blood of the...

Lily: Before that.

Picard: Oh, uh... Klingon honor demands vengeance.

Lily: Klingon honor? What the hell are you talking about?

Picard: I’m... I’m not quite sure. Let me check the script. [a pause] Well, I’ll be darned, this is Worf’s script! I must have picked it up by mistake!

Lily: So is that why you’ve been acting like such an ass?

Picard: Yes, I suppose it is why I... I was?

Lily: Uh-huh.

Picard: Well, it seems there is only one thing left to do...


Picard: Prepare to evacuate the Enterprise.

Worf: Jolly good, sir.

Picard: [Hands Worf a script] I believe this is yours, Mr. Worf. I think we switched scripts somewhere along the way.

Worf: So that’s where this wussy little accent came from.

Picard: Computer: Blow up the ship in fifteen minutes.

Computer: Ship will blow up in fifteen minutes.

Crusher: Thank goodness for the idiot-proof Starfleet.

Picard: Mr. Worf, put me on the intercom.

Worf: You’re on.

Picard: This is Captain Picard. The auto-destruct system has been engaged, therefore I highly recommend that you get into an escape pod and get away.

Worf: Good idea telling the crew sir, it’s just a shame that everyone below decks is dead.

Picard: Shit. Well, everybody, I suggest you get an escape pod now before...

[Picard turns to see that everyone has already left. Picard stands there for a few moments and then turns to leave.]

Voices: [mumbling]

Data: [silently] ...Rosebud...

Picard: Data?

[On Earth, Cochrane, LaForge, and Riker are preparing for launch.]

Troi: [on radio] 10... 9... 8...

Cochrane: Oh God! I forgot! Where is it?!

Troi: 7... 6... 5...

Cochrane: [puts CD in player] Let’s rock and roll!

Troi: 4... 3... 2..

Music: Hey Mickey you’re so fine. You’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey! [clap clap clap clap clap clap] Hey Mickey!

Cochrane: [singing along]

[Cochrane’s ship blasts off into space.]

[Meanwhile, the Enterprise is totally deserted except for Picard who slowly makes his way to engineering. The Borg allow him to enter.]

Queen: What’s wrong, Locutus? Doesn’t this look familiar?

Picard: Yes, it’s Engineering. It should look familiar.

Queen: You don’t remember me, do you?

Picard: Risa? Last summer?

Queen: I was there on the Borg ship.

Picard: The one that blew up?

Queen: My head didn’t always come off, you know.

Picard: I see. Well, this is fascinating and all, but I really need to rescue Data.

[Data emerges from the shadows, half of his face is covered with skin.]

Data: I do not want to go.

Picard: It’s the Phantom! The Phantom of the Opera!

Queen: Data’s my new boyfriend, and he’s not going anywhere. Isn’t that right, my little honey-muffin?

Data: That’s right, my little cream cake.

Picard: This is so sweet. You make a lovely couple. You’ll excuse me of course, while I go outside and retch.

Queen: Small words from a small being.

Picard: It’s not the size that matters, it’s how you use it!

Queen: Enough of this! Take him away!

[Several Borg grab Picard.]

Queen: Data, show me how Windows 95 works.

Data: Of course.

Picard: No Data! Don’t do it!

[Data smacks Picard out of the way and begins instructing the Queen on how to use the computer. After a few minutes, the Queen smiles.]

Queen: Why, it’s so simple once you know how!

Data: And at a great price of $95.95, Windows 95 can be yours. (See your local software dealer.)

Queen: Destroy the warp ship and target them.

Data: Do you not mean, target then destroy?

Queen: Whatever. Destroy them!

[Data fires.]

Queen: Watch... your future’s end.

Picard: That’s right! Star Trek: Voyager — “Future’s End,” an exciting two-part story. Airing Wednesday on UPN!

Queen: Everyone! Shut up! This isn’t the time to be plugging anything!

[The torpedoes miss.]

Picard: The torpedoes missed!

Queen: The torpedoes missed!?

All Borg: The torpedoes missed!?!?!?

Data: Resistance is fruitless!

Queen: Futile!

Data: Whatever!!!

[Data breaks the plasma cooling tanks Picard was talking to the Space Marines about earlier in this parody. The plasma engulfs the Borg causing their organic sides to melt away like butter on a hot plate. Picard and the Queen scramble up some loose hoses to get away. Suddenly, the theme from Jaws starts to play. Worried, the Queen looks around the pool of hot plasma and sees nothing. Instantly, Data, who looks like the Terminator, jumps out of the hot plasma and pulls the Queen to her death.]

Queen: [dying] Remember... [she disintegrates]

[Meanwhile, Cochrane’s warp ship hits warp speed, plastering its occupants onto the back of the cockpit.]

Riker: Stop this crazy thing!

Cochrane: We can’t stop! It’s too dangerous! We have to slow down first!

Riker: Bullshit! Stop this thing! I order you! Stoooooooooooop!!!

[Cochrane stops his ship. Riker, Geordi, and Cochrane fly forward and hit the front window.]

Cochrane: [face smashed up against the glass] Umf Ummmf Muuf?

Riker: What?

Cochrane: Is that Earth?

Riker: That’s it.

Cochrane: It’s so small and insignificant.

LaForge: Yeah, depressing as hell, ain’t it?

[On the Enterprise, Picard vents all of the plasma out of the engine room and makes his way through all of the dead Borg. He finds what’s left of the Queen and pulls her batteries out, ending her tyranny once and for all.]

Data: Captain.

Picard: Data, are you ok?

Data: Do I look ok?

Picard: No.

Data: [looking at Queen] Strange. In a way, I’m sad that she’s dead.

Picard: Strange indeed.

Data: I almost found her attractive.

Picard: So did I... in a morbid and sick sort of way. You know, Data, there’s something I want to ask you.

Data: What?

Picard: When you knocked me out of the way a while ago, you almost acted as if you were enjoying yourself.

Data: It must have been a malfunction in my emotion chip.

Picard: I suppose so.

[Data and Picard get up to leave. Data trips Picard, who turns and glares at him. Data shrugs.]

Picard: [Voice over] Captain’s Epilogue, Movie #2: The voyage of the Minnow was a success. The alien ship saw the warp signature, and is about to land on Earth.

[In Cochrane’s little city, a massive spacecraft descends from the clouds. Stunned, the city dwellers watch as the spaceship’s landing legs crush a dog. A door opens, and three humanoids emerge, wearing long robes.]

Cochrane: Are they really from another planet?

Troi: No, they’re from Jersey. Where do you think!?

Riker: Yes, they’re from another planet, and they’re gonna wanna meet the man who flew that ship.

Cochrane: Boy, do I envy him.

LaForge: It is you.

Cochrane: Oh yeah...!

[Cochrane approaches the aliens. The lead alien lifts his hood to reveal...]

Alien: I am Goss. DaiMon of the Ferengi.

Cochrane: How the hell are ya?

Picard: [to his crew] I think we’d better leave.

Riker: Enterprise, prepare to beam us up.

Picard: [walks over to Lily]

Lily: Is it time for you to go?

Picard: Yes.

Lily: I envy you. The world you’re going to.

Picard: And I envy you. That full head of hair. [Kisses Lily. Slips her the tongue]

Lily: [spitting uncontrollably]

Picard: Picard to Enterprise. Three to beam up.

Crusher: Five, sir.

Picard: Right. Five.

[Picard and company beam away. Lily gives them the finger. Later, on the bridge...]

Picard: Report.

LaForge: It’s taken me a while, but I think I can recreate the chronometric particles of the Borg sphere.

Picard: Why didn’t we just slingshot around the sun?

LaForge: [mumbling] I dunno.

Picard: Aw, to hell with it. Set a course to the 24th century.

Data: Course laid in.

Picard: Engage.

[The Enterprise explodes in a great fireball.]

Announcer: Oh, no!!! It this the end of Picard and his brave crew of sassy spacemen? Does their perilous journey end in the 21st century in a fiery cataclysm? Are the Borg really dead? What is the mystery of the Yeti? Do you know the muffin man? Tune in next time for more of Star Trek: The Next Generation Goes to the Movies and find out!!!

The End