The Enterprise Coronary, Chapter 2: “The Flight is Right”

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published October 6, 2001

The pitiful Hoshi sits in Sickbay staring at a worm. Hoshi laments, “My poor Sluggo. I have never seen my worm look so sickly.” Dr. Phlox winks and responds, “You wanna see a really healthy looking worm?”

Just then, Trip enters the room and whines, “We have been in space for two weeks and haven’t made any first contacts.” Dr. Phlox turns to him and growls, “Well, I was this close to making first contact when you came barging in!”

Trip walks over to Hoshi and tries to comfort her, “Hoshi, you mustn’t be so upset. Things could be worse, you know.” Hoshi says, “Oh yeah? How could things be worse?” Trip replies, “There could be a twelve-minute dance remix of our incredibly irritating theme song.”

Meanwhile, Captain Archer is in his quarters, looking for a chirping cricket. T’Pol enters and says, “You wanted to see me, Captain?” Archer replies, “Yeah, but just a second. There is a chirping cricket underneath the floor.” T’Pol then says, “Shall I go to Red Alert?” Archer says, “No. I’m just wondering if your Vulcan starcharts might tell us where we could find some really cool aliens.” T’Pol rolls her eyes and says, “The Vulcans aren’t in the habit of wasting our valuable time with pointless exploration.” Archer replies, “Then why the hell did you people build all those starships?”

Just then, Hoshi arrives. T’Pol says, “I’ll excuse myself so the two of you can talk.”

Hoshi says, “It’s okay, T’Pol. You don’t have to leave on my account.” T’Pol replies, “Yes I do... Because I don’t like you.” With that, T’Pol leaves. Archer turns to Hoshi and says, “Well, what do you want?” Hoshi replies, “I need to switch rooms. The stars are going the wrong way.” Archer says, “Oh my god, Hoshi. Could you possibly be any more pathetic?” Hoshi smiles and answers, “The episode has just started. You ain’t seen nothing yet. But nevertheless, I’ve made arrangements to switch quarters with any crew member.”

Archer says, “Fine. Now go away. I have a cricket to catch. Hard to believe this is an action-adventure show, huh?”

Meanwhile, in the weapons room, Mr. Reed says, “Okay, I think I finally got these torpedoes working correctly.” Travis says, “Good. I’ll activate the PlayStation.” With that, a simulation appears on the screen. Mr. Reed fires the imaginary torpedoes at the imaginary screen and says, “Damn! I was off by three imaginary meters!”

Travis replies, “So what? What’s three imaginary meters?” Reed growls, “It could result in us destroying a ship accidentally.” Travis nods his head and says, “Ooooooh. I got it. And that would be bad. Kind of ruin the whole first contact thing.”

The Captain comes running down the weapons room. Mr. Reed says, “Captain, I was hoping to talk to you. There might be something wrong with the PlayStation. I request permission to shoot some real things.” Captain Archer smiles and says, “Good idea. It wouldn’t be good science fiction unless we were blowing things into a million pieces!”

A few hours later, the Enterprise arrives at an asteroid field. Mr. Reed loads the torpedoes and fires. The first torpedo brushes past an asteroid, but does no damage. The asteroid chuckles. Mr. Reed fires the second torpedo, which promptly does a U-turn and heads back to the Enterprise. Archer turns to Reed and says, “Damn! You really suck, don’t you?”

Just then, T’Pol says, “Captain! I’m detecting a ship. It’s 200 kilometers directly ahead.” Archer turns to Travis and says, “Okay, Travis. Reverse course. We must find an alternate route.” T’Pol is confused, “You mean we’re going to avoid the ship?” Archer says, “Yes! Didn’t you read the mission statement, we are only supposed to go where no man has gone before. And, as you can plainly see, somebody has already gone there.”

T’Pol rolls her eyes and says, “Captain... It’s a metaphor!” Travis smiles and says, “Oh. Good old Metaphor. That was one of my favorite planets.” T’Pol rolls her eyes once more and says, “You’re thinking of Meta IV.” Travis says, “Oh yeah.”

Archer then says, “Okay, Travis. Set an intercept course for the alien ship.”

The Enterprise approaches the ship. Archer says, “Hoshi, hail the alien ship.” Hoshi replies, “I tried. They are not responding.” T’Pol says, “Not everybody answers the door when somebody knocks.” Hoshi adds, “Yeah. It happens to Jehovah’s Witnesses all the time.” Archer then says, “I don’t care. I’m taking a shuttlecraft over to find out what happened to those people. Mr. Reed and Hoshi, you’re with me.”

Trip whines, “I wanna go! You’re taking the crybaby communications officer and the security guard who can’t shoot a damn thing?” Archer says, “Yeah. Sounds stupid, huh?”

A few minutes later, Hoshi, Archer and Reed board the alien ship. The room is dark and foreboding. Hoshi whimpers, “Captain, I don’t think you should have brought me.” Archer growls, “What’s wrong with you, Hoshi? You get up on the wrong side of the bed?” Hoshi replies, “Yeah! I told you the stars were going the wrong way! And now I’m a-scared!” Archer says, “Calm down, Hoshi. You have nothing to fear but fear itself... Whatever that means. But I assure you, there is nothing to be afraid of!”

Just then, Reed shouts, “Boo!”

Hoshi screams, “Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

Archer smacks Reed and says, “Stop it!”

Just then, the three hear a strange rumbling sound. Archer says, “Do you hear that strange rumbling sound?” Reed says, “Yes, it sounds like a washing machine.”

Just then, Hoshi screams, “Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!”

Archer says, “What? You have a phobia about laundry also?” Hoshi says, “No... Dead people. I see dead people!” Archer approaches Hoshi and sees fifteen dead aliens hanging from the ceiling and says, “Hoshi, you’re right. These are dead people... Or perhaps some really tasteless decorating.” The trio returns to Enterprise. Archer is sulking in his quarters when T’Pol arrives. Archer says, “What do you want, T’Pol?”

T’Pol says, “Pack your bags, babe. We’re going on a guilt trip.” Archer says, “Huh?” T’Pol continues, “You must leave that ship behind. If not, the aliens who killed the aliens will surely return and destroy us as well.” Archer sighs and says, “You’re right. Let’s move on. If for no other reason, it will kill some screen time.”

A few hours later, T’Pol, Trip and Archer are sharing a meal. Trip turns to T’Pol and says, “You want some tea?” T’Pol rolls her eyes and says, “Tea is an illogical indulgence. Vulcans do not require such meaningless beverages. But, could you hand me the ketchup?” Trip says, “You got it, babe.”

Just then, Archer snaps, “I don’t care! We have to go back! We must go back! Back we go! Circle the wagons! Cancel the hotel reservations!”

A few hours later, Enterprise returns to the damaged ship. Dr. Phlox joins Archer, Hoshi, and Trip on the away mission. Phlox examines one of the corpses and says, “Captain, these aliens were being drained of their Tri-Glob-Blah-Blah.” Archer is puzzled, “Why would they want such a thing?” Phlox answers, “It can be used for anything from medicinal purposes to being used in a fantastic stuffing recipe. Not only that, but you humans have got Tri-Glob-Blah-Blah in your blood stream!”

Meanwhile... Trip and Hoshi are trying to compose a distress call for the dead aliens. Hoshi laments, “I just don’t think I should be a part of this mission... —Ship!!” Trip says, “What?” Hoshi replies, “Sorry, I’m trying to compose a message.” Trip then says, “Oh. So what makes you think you don’t belong here?” Hoshi says, “It’s a long story. But I really think I should... —Distress!”

Trip growls, “Will you stop that?!”

Meanwhile... Back on the Enterprise...

Travis says, “T’Pol... There is an alien ship heading for us! I think it’s the aliens who killed the other aliens.” T’Pol says, “Imagine that... I’m right two weeks in a row. And I didn’t even have to take my clothes off!”

With that, T’Pol hails the away team and tells them to get their sorry asses back to the ship pronto. But she rephrases it in a Vulcan way, “I strongly suggest you return.”

Moments later, the away team returns home (which makes them now the home team). The alien ship starts firing on the Enterprise. Archer returns to the bridge and says, “Report!!” T’Pol answers, “We are under attack.” Archer says, “I figured as much when we saw all the exploding consoles. Why haven’t we gone to warp?” T’Pol answers, “The aliens have damaged our port nacelle.”

Archer says, “Well, I don’t care... Go to warp anyway!” T’Pol rolls her eyes and says, “This isn’t Voyager, Captain.”

Just then, Travis announces, “Another ship is approaching us. It’s the same race as the aliens we found dead.” Archer turns to Hoshi and says, “Hail them! Let them know that we weren’t the ones who destroyed their people.” Hoshi says, “I’m trying! But I’m having problems getting the translator to work!”

Just then the Alien captain says, “Slahwishcy culchawitoochalora.” With that, Hoshi stands up and shakes her body and says, “Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie!” Archer says, “What the hell are you doing??” Hoshi says, “Sorry. I thought he said to dance like Charo. But it’s possible he said he’d destroy us tomorrow.”

T’Pol rolls her eyes and says, “We are so dead.”

Archer walks over to Hoshi and gives the pep talk, “Come on, Hoshi. You have to do this... For the team. Be strong. Be brave. I have no doubt you will save us.” T’Pol rolls her eyes and says, “What kind of fantasy world are you living in, Captain?” With that, T’Pol passes out from too much eye-rolling.

Hoshi walks over to the view screen and says, “Waploachi gibberish.” The alien replies, “Atrable calorati mumbo jumbo.” Hoshi laughs and says, “Loquintizara funny.”

With that, the cooperative alien ship fires on the evil alien ship, allowing the Enterprise to escape. Just then, Mr. Reed says, “Captain... I think I’ve got the weapons working so we can destroy the evil aliens.” Archer says, “Very well... But if you end up destroying our new alien friends, I’m taking the PlayStation away permanently.”

With that, Reed fires and destroys the evil aliens. Reed shouts, “Dynamite!”

Archer approaches Hoshi and says, “Very good work. You saved us all. How did you manage to get the aliens to help us?” Hoshi replies, “Well, I think I may have told them that we would surrender our ship to them and allow them to use us for sexual gratification.”

Archer says, “You told them what??”

Hoshi says, “Which is why I really think you should jump to warp speed immediately.” Archer says, “Very well.... Warp five, Travis!” With that, the Enterprise jumps to warp.

“Captain’s Log: Stardate October 6, 2151. I’ve given Porthos an entire jar of Cheez Whiz. Hopefully he will leave me alone now whenever I feel like cutting the cheese. Wait, that didn’t sound right. Anyway, we have decided to journey millions of miles out of the way so that we can drop Hoshi’s worm off at an appropriate planet. And people say this isn’t an action-adventure show...”

Hoshi and Dr. Phlox stroll the planet surface. Hoshi sets her little worm on the ground and profoundly says, “I know this place isn’t what you’re used to. But I really think you will adapt.” And a single tear runs down Hoshi’s face.

With that, Hoshi and Dr. Phlox prepare to return to the Enterprise. But Dr. Phlox quickly rushes over and stomps on the worm... Worm guts go oozing everywhere.

Hoshi turns to Dr. Phlox and says, “Now, that was just plain mean...!”