Star Trek: Insur-wreck-sion

Written by Jason Gaston

Dork: Hello. You may be wondering who I am. Well, my name is not important. My friends call me “The Dork”... Okay, I have no friends. But that isn’t important right now. All you need to know is that I am what the layman calls a “trekkie”. I am the person who reviews episodes and picks nits on the internet. What am I doing here? Well, I am here to comment on the latest Star Trek movie, Insurrection. This movie is terrible! Terrible! Why can’t Star Trek do good movies like Starship Troopers or The Avengers? Insurrection was awful! Just ask Harry Knowles, maintainer of the “Ain’t It Cool” website.

Harry: Insurrection was terrible. I have a fat ass. My mom was an alcoholic. That’s my review. Go see Lake Placid. It was awesome. The best movie of the year. [someone hands Harry a large bag of money] And after that, see the spectacular movie, The Haunting. [Harry is handed another bag of money].

Man: You’re a sellout, Harry!

Harry: Inspector Gadget sucks. See? I’m no sell out. By the way, have you seen the best movie of the year, Wild Wild West? [Harry is handed another bag of money and waddles his fat ass off stage, where he has a massive heart attack and dies.]

Dork: You see!? An unbiased view! Now sit back and enjoy Star Trek: Insurrection... the lamest of the lame. I’ll be popping in every now and then to comment.

We see a utopian world. Everyone is happy and gay.

Siegfried: I love you.

Roy: And I love you.

I mean “gay” as in “light and happy”

Roy: Hrumf!

Siegfried: Come on, Roy, let’s go molest our tigers.

Siegfried and Roy leave. We see dozens of villagers going about their peaceful existence making bread, watering crops, and sacrificing virgins to the pagan fire god of Xanafiu. Suddenly, there is a phaser blast and several children run out of the woods.

Child: Run! It’s the Blair Witch! The Blair Witch!

Meanwhile, up an an observation booth, a bunch of Starfleet officers and a bunch of aliens are watching the events occur from an invisible booth.

Officer: What! Did he say the Blair Witch!

Alien: I’m scared! Hold me!

Officer: Only if you hold me.

The officer and alien clutch each other. A commander walks over and slaps them.

Commander: You idiots! That’s not the Blair Witch! It’s just that android who came down to the planet to observe! He’s gone crazy for some reason! Besides, The Blair Witch Project sucks ass!

Officer: Hey, he’s right! The Blair Witch did suck ass! What are we scared of?

Alien: But... I’m still scared!

Commander: Don’t be scared, dummy! Look! It’s just that Data guy running amok!

The commander points to a monitor which displays Data running amok in invisibility suit.

Data: Amok! Amok! Amok! Amok!

Several other invisible men attack Data who effortlessly throws them off.

Commander: What the hell is going on down there!? Where’s the rest of our invisible observation team!?

Meanwhile, in the women villager’s communal shower...

Voice: Oh yeah... Oh yeah...

Woman: There! There’s that voice again!

Another Woman: You’re imagining things. Here... soap up my back.

Voice: Ooooooooh yeah.

Meanwhile, Data rips off his invisibility suit and grabs a phaser. He aims at a nearby cliff and shoots at it twice. Nothing happens. Data looks confused, turns to another cliff, and fires again. Nothing happens. Data mumbles to himself trying to get his bearings and then fires on yet another cliff. This disables the cloaking devise on the Federation lookout tower and it becomes visible. When this happens, all of the invisible observers in the village becomes visible. Meanwhile, in the shower...

Voice: Oh boy... Oh boy... oh... [he become visible] ...shit.

Women: Get him!

Man: Auuuuugh!

The women kill him. Meanwhile, the villagers react in horror to the observation team in the village.

Villager #1: What the hell?

Villager #2: Spies!

Villager #3: We must kill them!

The villagers pile onto the observation team and tear them limb from limb before eating them in honor of the Ba’ku god of fire.

Meanwhile, out in the vast vasty vastness of outer space, the USS Enterprise-E swoops overhead. A bumper sticker can be seen on the back proclaiming “Thank You For Not Watching The Phantom Menace.” On board, Picard, Troi, Riker, and Crusher are going over the specifics of their latest diplomatic mission. Crusher is helping Picard get dressed although, why exactly she had to dress him is unknown and quite perverted.

Crusher: Either you need a new collar or a new neck!

Picard: My collar size is the same as it was in the academy.

Crusher: Fine!

Crusher buttons the collar, cutting off Picard’s air supply.

Picard: Gah...! Ack!

Riker: We’d better get down to the galley to meet our guests. I just heard that they’re eating the caterers.

Everyone laughs, then freeze, gasp, and run to the door. In the corridor...

Picard: [turning purple, tugging at collar]

Troi: [undoes Picard’s collar]

Picard: Thank you, counselor.

Troi: I’ve been meaning to ask, captain, why are we letting this species into the Federation if they’ve only had warp flight for a year?

Picard: What with our losses to the Borg, Dominion, and that fight with the Q Continuum that happened last month when Trelane took over... [he looks at the camera] don’t you wish you could have seen that? [back to the others] ...the Federation feels we need all the allies we can get.

Riker: That reminds me, the Koldarians want to move op their negotiations with the Creeb a week.

Everyone gets into the turbolift.

Picard: [sighs] Does anyone remember when we used to be explorers?

Riker, Crusher, and Troi: [a beat] No.

The doors close. On the next deck, the door open. Everyone pours out of the lift, fanning the air and coughing.

Troi: Good God, Will!

Riker: [blushes]

WORF approaches the crew.

Worf: Captain...

Crusher: Worf!

Troi: What are you doing here?

Worf: A very interesting story, counselor. I was fighting a renegade hoarde of Jem’Hadar in the Golath sector when suddenly, the Defiant encountered a Doomsday Machine...

LaForge: [over com] LaForge to Captain Picard!

Riker: He’s a little busy right now, Geordi. Can I take a message?

LaForge: It’s about Data...

Picard, Crusher, and Troi continue down the corridor with Worf who is continuing his story.

Worf: ...and so the talking bullfrog rebellion was crushed, the Oracle of Promiscuity was returned, and I woke up on a shuttle bound for the Enterprise.

The film stops and the DORK walks out.

Dork: You see? You see!? There they go insulting Trekkies everywhere? Was was Worf doing? How did he get there? These are things I want and need to know! I couldn’t sleep for a week after seeing this movie! Oh well.. back to the show.

Picard, Worf, Troi, and Crusher walk into a room filled with Gungans from the movie Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Picard: Greetings. I am Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise.

Jar Jar: Oooo... Useah haven bombad good ship here.

Picard: Excuse me?

Jar Jar: Mesa so glad tah be here!

Picard: Feeling... sick.

Jar Jar: Oh no! Mesa step in doo-doo!

Picard: So... stupid! Getting dizzy!

Jar Jar: Mesa big poo-poo head!

Picard: I can’t take this anymore!!!

Picard takes out a phaser and blasts Jar Jar and the other Gungans to smithereens. Riker walks up.

Riker: Killed the Gungans, huh?

Picard: You’ll never see a race that stupid in any of our movies, Number One!

Unbeknownst to Picard and Riker, a Pakled walks by in the background.

Riker: Captain, we’ve just got a call from Admiral Dougherty from a Son’a ship in the—

Picard: What the devil is a Federation Admiral doing on an alien ship, and a hostile alien ship at that?

Riker: I didn’t ask. Anyway, Dougherty’s on a Son’a ship in Sector 031 and he’s requesting Data’s schematics. Apparently, Data’s running amok and Dougherty needs them to shut him down.

Picard: Amok, eh? Well, this looks like a job for the Enterprise! Hail Omicron VII and tell them that they’ll have to deal with their planetwide famine for another week or two. Tell them that the Enterprise is dealing with more important matters!

The Enterprise jumps to warp.

Meanwhile, in the sticky, horrible, and trashy section of space known as “the Briar Patch,” a huge Son’a ship explodes out of the nebula clouds and towards a nice-looking ringed world. On board this menacing ship, RU’AFO is lying on a medical table being attended to by several beautiful women. ADMIRAL DOUGHERTY is standing nearby wondering what Ru’afo is doing and where the hell his beautiful women are at.

Ru’afo: I really don’t understand what your problem is, admiral. Yes, so our plan will “theoretically” kill some people, but it pales when you consider the benefits of what this new technology can do for the universe!

Dougherty: Save it, Ru’afo! It’s too early in the movie to reveal that the planet below us is a veritable fountain of youth, you are people who left that world and grew old and ugly, and that we’re actually here to relocate the peace-loving natives, thus dooming them to grow old and die.

Ru’afo: Riiiiiight. Listen, let’s just blow up the android, okay? I mean, he’s a glorified toaster oven anyway played by a man with a big ego.

Dougherty: But that android has a huge fan base!

Ru’afo: So did Kirk, and they killed him!

Dork: It was a travesty what happened to Kirk!

Ru’afo: [to beautiful assistant] My dear, would you?

The assistant smiles, walks over to the Dork, and kicks him in the nuts. He coughs and falls out of frame.

Dougherty: Thank you, Ru’afo.

Ru’afo rises from the table revealing that his face looks just like Michael Jackson.

Ru’afo: Sit down, Admiral. My assistants will take twenty years off your face.

Dougherty: Okay.

Dougherty sits down on the table. One of the assistants walks over and, with an eraser, erases the words “twenty years” off his face.

Dougherty: [rolls eyes] Okay, that wasn’t forced or anything.

Suddenly, the ship is rocked.

Some Guy: [over com] Ru’afo! The ship was just rocked!

Ru’afo: I know that! You want to tell me why?

Some Guy: We appear to be under attack!

A few seconds later, on the bridge Ru’afo and Dougherty arrive to see a small ship firing on them and then turning away and running like a little wimp.

Dougherty: That’s our ship!

We see the ship flying away from the Son’a starship. Though the window, we see Data with his pinkie held up to his mouth and one eyebrow in the air.

At that moment, the Enterprise is nearing the Briar Patch.

Riker: We’re nearing the Briar Patch, captain.

Picard: I can read, Number One. You and what’s-her-face... uh...

Riker: Troi?

Picard: Right, you and Toy go to the ship’s library and research everything that’s been documented about the Ba’ku, Son’a, and electoral college. While you’re at it, see if they still have Madonna’s book, Sex.

Riker: Er... I’m afraid it’s... er... checked out by persons unknown.

Troi: But Will, we used it last night when we fu—

Riker elbows Troi and drags her into the turbolift.

Picard: Helm, take us in!

The Enterprise enters the Briar Patch. As the clouds grow thicker and the lights dim, a pair of fog-lamps are turned on. A few minutes later, in the library Troi has found a book about the Son’a.

Troi: Will, look. I’ve found a book about the Son’a.

Riker: Let’s see that.

Troi: It says here that the Son’a conquered two primitive races and integrated them into their culture. It also says that they conquered the Gungans for a time, but let them all go because they were just so stupid.

Riker: It also says that they enjoy long walks on the beach, puppies, and long books on cold nights. They also make large quantities of ketracel white which, as we all know, are used by the Jem’Hadar who— at this moment of continuity— are wiping out the Federation as we speak.

Troi: I don’t understand.

Riker: Why we’re doing business with these people?

Troi: No, why we’re here on some rinky-dink mission in the middle of nowhere saving a measly 600 people when the future of the Federation is at stake.

Dork: My point exactly. Death to Michael Piller!!!

The librarian comes along, grabs the Dork by the ear, and drags him off camera.

Troi: My god, his BO was overpowering!

Riker: I know. My eyes are watering.

The Enterprise continues to cut her way through the Briar Patch. She passes a sign that says “Planet Ba’ku - Exit 304 - Gas, Food, Lodging.” In Worf’s quarters, the massive Klingon snoozes.

Worf: [snore] Oh, yes Jadzia... that teddy looks quite fetching. [snort] Why yes, I will have a crumpet. [snore] No, Nog! Don’t hit me again!

Picard: [over comm] Picard to Worf!

Worf: [awakens] What? Er, I mean... What, sir?

On the Bridge.

Picard: I don’t know how they do things on Deep Space Nine, since I never have a chance to watch the show, but here on the Enterprise, we report on time.

Worf: [over comm] Understood, sir. [snore]

Picard: Wake up, Worf!

Worf: I’m on your way.

Picard: Don’t you mean you’re on your way?

Worf: That’s what I said, dumbass!

Picard walks over to LaForge.

Picard: Geordi, the aft stabilizers seem a bit off.

LaForge: [checks] No, they’re fine.

Picard: They are? Oh.

Picard walks over to a panel, takes a chair, and smashes it.

Picard: Check it again.

LaForge: Hey, you’re right! The stabilizers are a bit off. In fact, it looks like they’ve been smashed! That’s amazing, sir.

Worf enters wearing pajamas and holding a teddy bear. He takes his station and goes back to sleep. Picard looks at him with disgust. Suddenly, the Enterprise is hailed by Ru’afo’s ship.

LaForge: Sir, we’re being hailed by Ru’afo’s ship.

Picard: Open hailing...

LaForge: Hailing frequencies open.

Picard: You asshole!

Dougherty: [on screen] What did you call me?

Picard: [scream] No! No! Not you, sir! I’m taking about Lt. Asshole. Er, LaForge, sir.

Dougherty: I see. Picard, it seems that Data’s “malfunction” has gotten worse. We...

Picard: Why did you do that?

Dougherty: Do what?

Picard: Make quotation marks with your fingers when you said the word “malfunction.”

Dougherty: I did no such thing!

Picard: But I saw...

Dougherty: Enough! As I said, Data’s “malfunction” has become...

Picard: There! You did it again!

Dougherty: I don’t know what you’re...

Ru’afo: Silence! Your android did serious damage to my ship! It’ll take weeks to get a new fender flown in from Japan, and I’ll be damned if I pay for it! You’d better have damn good insurance, Picard!

Dougherty: I’m afraid we may have to resort to terminating Data, Picard. He’s grown too violent.

LaForge: Like Ike Turner.

Picard: If Data is to be terminated, let me do it. I’m his commanding officer... and his friend.

Dougherty: [a pause] Your definition of friendship is about as clear as Clinton’s definition of sex.

Picard: [shrugs]

Ru’afo: It doesn’t matter! If Picard is willing to terminate the android, let him! At least we won’t need this guy anymore.

Ru’afo points to a corner where Arnold Schwarzenegger is dressed as the Terminator.

Terminator: You’ll be back.

The Terminator exits.

Dougherty: Very well, Captain. Terminate Data and end his “malfunction.”

Picard: There! You just did it ag—

Dougherty: Dougherty out!!!

A shuttle launches from the Enterprise and heads for the planet, with Picard and Worf on board.

Worf: I’ve configured this potato to shove into Data’s exhaust pipe. Once that is done, it should deactivate him.

Picard: Good job, Worf. [he looks around] Come out, come out, wherever you are...

Worf: Sir?

Picard: Just a little something my mother...

Worf: Stop singing that or I will kill you.

Picard: Understood.

The shuttle is rocked by weapons fire!

Worf: We’ve just been rocked by weapons—

Picard: I know!

Data’s shuttle flies by. Data looks at them, gives them the finger, and speeds away, throwing mud on their windshield.

Picard: He can anticipate combat moves and make obsene gestures. That means his higher brain functions are intact. I wonder how he’ll react to something inane and stupid. [sings] Row, Row, Row your boat... Gently down the stream! Merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream. ...Worf, put down the axe.

In the background, Work is about to lop Picard’s head off with an axe. He mumbles and tosses it to the side.

Picard: Row, row, row your boat. Gently down the...

The shuttle is hit again.

Worf: The singing has pissed Data off even more, sir. Now he is trying to kill us!

Picard: Oh, fuck this!

Picard activates the grabby arm on the shuttle and grabs Data’s ship.

Picard: Worf, go incapacitate Data.

Worf: Oh, sure! Now that you’ve pissed him off!

Worf grabs the potato and boards Data’s shuttle. Worf sneaks up to him and shoves the potato up Data’s butt. Data falls to the ground with a large grin on his face.

A few minutes later, on the planet’s surface, Picard, Worf, Riker, Troi, and Crusher beam down to negotiate for the release of Federation and Son’a hostages.

Picard: Come on, let’s negotiate for the release of Federation and Son’a hostages.

Troi: [looks at some children] Their minds are keenly focused, Captain. I think that—

Picard: [ignoring Troi] I’m Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation starship Enterprise.

Anij: That’s quite a long name there, Captain Enterprise. I’m Anij. Your android friend told us that we and our culture are in great danger and that he would protect us. I certainly hope you didn’t deactivate him or anything.

Picard: Uh... [pause] No, of course not. I have to... uh... go.

Picard runs away, quickly calling for a beam-up.

In Engineering, Picard, LaForge, and Worf go to a broom closet where Data is being stored.

LaForge: As near as I can tell, Data didn’t malfunction, he was attacked.

Picard: Attacked?

LaForge: No, attacked. I had to remove some memory engrams from him, but I think he’ll be okay.

LaForge walks over and turns Data on.

LaForge: [caressing Data’s cheek] You know, mechanical men really make me hot.

Let me rephrase that. LaForge walks over and reactivates Data.

LaForge: Oh... I knew that.

LaForge presses Data’s on button. Data snaps to life.

Data: Captain? Geordi? [he sees Worf] Uh...

Worf: Worf.

Data: Worf? What has happened? Why do I feel like I have a...

Data removes the potato from his butt.

Data: Oh.

Picard: What’s the last thing you remember?

Data: [singing] Row, row, row your boat gently down the...

Worf flattens Data with chair.

Worf: Sorry, Captain.

Picard: No apologies necessary, Worf.

Data gets to his feet.

Data: Wait, I do remember something. I was investigating a strange reading near a lake.

Picard: Do you remember where the lake was?

Data: Yes, there was a lot of water there.

Picard: That should narrow it down. Come on, Data. Let’s go ask that luscious alien space vixen where this lake thing is.

Later, Picard, Data, and Anij venture to the lake.

Data: There is definitely an energy signature coming from the water sir. I will attempt to drain the lake.

Data walks off.

Anij: Where’s Data going?

Picard: Oh, he’s found an energy signature in the lake. He’s gone off to investigate it.

Anij: Well, I hope he doesn’t drain the lake or anything. After all, we depend on this water for our crops and livestock, not to mention our...

The lake drains, revealing a cloaked ship inside.

Anij: Shit.

Picard: That ship isn’t supposed to be there, is it?

Data: Uh... no.

Picard: Let’s go investigate it, shall we?

Meanwhile, on the Enterprise, Troi and Riker take a bath together. Troi is shaving Riker’s face and back when the viewscreen pops on. Dougherty appears.

Dougherty: Riker!

Riker: Gah!

Riker shoves Troi’s head under the soapy water.

Riker: Yes, Admiral!

Dougherty: Am catching you at a bad time?

Riker: No, sir!

Troi’s arm pops out of the water waving frantically. Riker grabs it and shoves it back down.

Dougherty: Where is the Captain?

Riker: Just tying up a few loose ends.

Dougherty: Well, when you see him, tell him I want him out of the Briar Patch.

Riker: Will do, sir.

Troi’s head pops up.

Troi: Will, I can’t breathe!

Riker shoves her back down.

Dougherty: What was that?

Riker: What was what, sir?

Dougherty: Nevermind. Dougherty out.

The viewscreen goes black. Troi’s head comes back up.

Troi: Thank god he’s gone! I couldn’t stand to be under there a moment longer!

Riker shoves Troi’s head back underwater and smiles.

Inside the holoship, Picard, Data, and Anij find a large holodeck displaying a holographic hologram of the Ba’ku village... in holograms.

Picard: Oh look! We’re back in the village. Obviously, we’ve entered some kind of an anomaly that’s transported us and will probably turn us into newts or something.

Data: Actually, we’re in a holodeck.

Picard: I knew that, I was just testing you.

Anij: Who would make a copy of my village and why?

Picard: I think the real question is, who would make a copy of your village and why. No, this is becoming more and more clear to me. Obviously, this ship was constructed to house this holographic village so’s that you and your people could be transported to another planet. Lucky we found it, huh?

Dork: Lucky, my fat pimply fanny! This was just a poorly conceived plot twist! Why wasn’t the ship in orbit? Why construct a holographic village? Why not keep the villagers in stasis? Why can’t the Ba’ku and the Son’a live on the same planet!? It’s a big planet and there’s only 600 Ba’ku! Why don’t the...

The Dork is thrown out of the ship and into the water.

Picard: Thank you.

Anij: It was nothing.

Picard: Come on, let’s go tell the others what I’ve discovered.

Anij: By the way, have you figured out that this planet makes you immortal yet? It’s a veritable fountain of youth thanks to the metaphasic radiation thingies in the rings.

Picard: I guess that would explain this.

Picard points to his head revealing a full head of hair.

Picard: How old are you, anyway?

Anij: Over three-hundred, but it’s says 199 on my résumé.

On the Enterprise, Dougherty and a pissed-off Ru’afo enter Picard’s ready room.

Dougherty: Captain Picard, I am most displeased that the Enterprise hasn’t left or—

Ru’afo pushes Admiral Dough-boy out of the way.

Ru’afo: I’ll kill you, you hear!? I’ll kill you and then hunt you into the netherworld just so I can kill you again! Now, leave this area of Federation space or we will destroy you!

Picard: You know, I’m beginning to think that you’re the bad guy in this movie. We found the holoship.

Dough-boy and Ru’afo stand in shocked silence.

Ru’afo: I...

Wait for it...

Okay...

Ru’afo: [to Dougherty] Why wasn’t that fucking thing in orbit?

Dougherty: Ru’afo, perhaps you should...

Ru’afo: No!

Ru’afo’s face rips open revealing the face of Michael Jackson, circa 1980. He looks in a mirror and gasps in horror.

Ru’afo: [Michael Jackson voice] I must leave. Eeee Heee!

Ru’afo moonwalks out of the ready room.

Dougherty: You’re looking well, Jean-Luc. Being down on the planet does wonderful things to you.

Picard: I can’t believe this. You’re after the Ba’ku’s fountain of youth, and in an odd-numbered movie, no less! You know the curse, Admiral! The odd-numbered movies are the weak ones! How many odd-numbered movies will it take to convince people that we need a stronger storyline? A hundred? A million? How many will it take, Admiral!?

Dougherty: Look, I want you to leave the Briar Patch, right? That’s an order. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Later, in the Captain’s Dinghy, Picard is loading supplies when Riker, LaForge, Worf, Crusher, Troi, and Data enter.

Riker: Gah! Captain! What the fuck are you doing here?

Picard: What am I doing here? What are you doing here?

Riker: [holds up a keg] Thought we’d have a bitchin’ kegger.

Picard: No time for that. I’m going down to the planet to keep the Son’a from relocating the Ba’ku.

Crusher: Oh, well... good luck.

Everyone turns to leave.

Picard: Not so fast! Riker and LaForge will take the Enterprise out of the Briar Patch and tattle on Admiral Dough-boy. The rest of you will come with me. We’re going to take the Ba’ku to a more secure location.

Worf: So, in a sense, we will be relocating the Ba’ku... something we’re trying to keep the Son’a from doing in the first place. But, to keep them from do what we’re doing, we’re going to be doing it first.

Picard: Precisely. Everyone, into the Captain’s Dinghy. [To Riker and LaForge] We’ll hold them off as long as we can.

LaForge: Bet you fifty bucks they’re dead before we get back.

Riker: You’re on.

The Captain’s Dinghy launches. On the side, it has a sign that says “Cool, huh?” The ship flies down to the planet.

Dork: Hi, it’s me. The Dork. I’d just like to say that Star Trek is dead even though it’s had five spin-offs, ten movies, and a devoted fan following. It’s dead. Why? ’Cause I said so. And now, back to the travesty that is Star Trek: Insurrection.

A giant foot crushes the Dork.

Meanwhile, on the evil Son’a ship!

Son’a Ship: Hey, just because I’m manned by evil people does not, in fact, make me evil!

Fine! Meanwhile, on the Son’a ship, Ru’afo is...

Son’a Ship: I mean, I was once used to deliver presents to orphans.

Right. On the Son’a...

Son’a Ship: I just don’t think you should be making generalizations.

Shut the fuck up! On the annoying Son’a ship, Ru’afo is meeting with Admiral Dough-boy.

Ru’afo: The Enterprise has departed.

Dougherty: That’s good!

Ru’afo: Before she left, the Captain’s dinghy was launched.

Dougherty: That’s bad.

Ru’afo: On board were less than a dozen officers.

Dougherty: That’s good!

Ru’afo: One of them is Picard!

Dougherty: That’s bad.

Ru’afo: Picard is leading over 600 people out of the village over open land. Easy targets for our transporters.

Dougherty: That’s good!

Ru’afo: Picard is also armed with class-8 subspace jammers with a range of over 10 square kilometers each that can block anything below a mark-10 bio-molecular transporter with micro-phasial hissinflammers.

Dougherty: [A blank stare]

Ru’afo: That’s bad.

Dougherty: Can I go now?

Ru’afo: Our only hope for our plan to suceed is to stop the Enterprise from reaching the Federation to tattle on us. While we stay here and capture all the Ba’ku villagers, I can send the other ships to destr... I mean, “persuade the Enterprise to turn around.”

Dougherty: Why did you do that?

Ru’afo: Do what?

Dougherty: Make quotation marks with your fingers when you said “persuade the Enterprise to turn around.”

Ru’afo: Admiral, I think it’s time for your nap.

Dougherty: Thank God!

Dougherty puts on a nightcap, grabs his teddy bear, and walks out the door.

Ru’afo: Schmuck.

The Dork pops out.

Dork: Hi, ho! Let me explain the next few minutes of this cinematic cesspool. Picard and Anij fall in love, they find a cave, they go inside, Anij is trapped, Picard saves her, and then they get captured. How... Predictable!

Devour from Justice Squad leaps onto the Dork and starts tearing him to shreds.

Devour: Rwar! Rwooor! Roar!

Subtitle: Please read Justice Squad!

Meanwhile, the Enterprise is cruising through the Briar Patch when, suddenly, they are attacked!

LaForge: Commander, we’re being attacked!

Riker: What can we do!? Is there some kind of phony-baloney bullshit technobabble way we can puss our way out of this!?

LaForge leafs through a book.

LaForge: How about Phony-Baloney Bullshit Technobabble Solution #235-B?

Riker: PBBTBS #235-B? Realigning the mesanflanic pissindoops to sync with the hissinflissin?

LaForge: No, that’s 234-B! I’m talking about ejecting some explosive gasses at the other ships and letting it explode! See what I’m getting at?

Riker: [Eating chili] But where are we going to find that much dangerous gas here? In space! At this hour!?

Riker farts.

LaForge: I have an idea.

The rest is best left to the readers ungodly imagination. Needless to say, they blow the absolute fuck out of the attacking ships.

Meanwhile, on the evil Son’a ship!

Son’a Ship: Watch it!

Picard, Anij, and other captured prisoners are being held... uh... prisoner. Admiral Doughboy walks up to them.

Dougherty: You’ve really stepped in it this time, Picard. Now we’re going to have to take you back to the Federation for a court-martial!

Picard: A court-martial! Great, let’s go!

Dougherty: Fine, I’ll take you now!

Anij: Yeah, but won’t Picard alert the Federation to your evil plans while we’re there?

A long pause. Picard slaps Anij.

Meanwhile, Ru’afo is getting his face stretched again when Dougherty walks up to him!

Dougherty: Hey, this is getting scary! Picard almost outsmarted me and stuff! I think that we should just call the whole plan to drain all the lifeforce out of the Ba’ku planet with your collector thingy!

Ru’afo throws him into the face stretcher and stretches his face so tight that he looks like Faye Dunaway!

Ru’afo: [Screams like a girl] It’s horrible!

Ru’afo throws Dougherty’s hideously mutated body out an airlock. Later, on the Bridge!

Ru’afo: Admiral Doughboy won’t be joining us for dinner.

Gallatin: Oh, and that’s a shame too, because I made some delightful spinach puffs and a light creme gravy.

Ru’afo: Spinach puffs again? Yuck!

Back in Picard and Anij’s cell...

Gallatin: You, come with me!

Anij: Who, me?

Gallatin: No, Picard!

Anij: Well, how the hell are we supposed to know when we don’t have any stage directions?

Bite me. How’s that for a direction, bitch?

Anij: You, bastard! The Borg were more polite when they narrated Full Contact!

Gelatin and Picard go to a turbolift.

Gallatin: It’s Gallatin, not Gelatin.

Picard: You make me sick, Gelatin. You, who would go and destroy innocent men, women, and children just so you could get younger. You disgust me! I fart in your general direction!

Gallatin: Is this how a Starfleet officer pleads for his life?

Picard: No... this is how a Starfleet officer pleads for his life. [Gets on knees] Don’t kill me! I’m too British to die! I still have the X-Men sequel and that Jeffery sequel! Bwaaaaa!

The doors open to reveal... The Dork! He goes to say something, but Gallatin kicks him in the balls and sends him to the floor as the doors close.

Gallatin: I will never help you!

Picard: Please reconsider.

Gallatin: Okay, I’ll help you.

Meanwhile, on the evil Son’a ship bridge!

Don’t you have any objection to that?

Son’a Ship: Oh, no... my bridge really is hideously evil.

Ru’afo: Someone tell the ship to shut the hell up and prepare to fire the collector that will led to the deaths of everyone on the planet.

Lackey: Sir, there is a ship approaching from the planet!

Ru’afo: What!?

Everyone: Sir, there is a ship approaching from the planet!

Ru’afo: Shit! I was afraid of that!

Data is in the ship firing at the Son’a ship. The Son’a ship fires back.

Data: Fuck this!

Data flies away.

Ru’afo: Good, now prepare to fire!

Lackey: Preparing...

Ru’afo: Fire!!!

The collector fires and wipes out all life on the Ba’ku planet!

Ru’afo: Yay!

Meanwhile...

Picard: I don’t get it. I thought that we were supposed to win!

Worf: It is rather odd.

Picard: Worf, how did you get here?

Worf: I hitched a ride with Data. All he wanted in exchange was my potato. Still, it sucks that everyone died.

Gallatin: Wait a minute...

Gallatin takes out his script and looks.

Gallatin: Ah ha! They didn’t really fire the collector, they were all beamed to the holoship into a simulation where they thought they fired the collector!

Picard: No shit?

Picard and Worf take out their scripts and look.

Worf: He’s right! The Son’a are trapped in a simulation!

Picard: Huzzah! That’s what I call good writing!

Dork: And that’s what I call crap! [a beat] Could you guys sign one of those scripts for me?

Picard: Got fifty bucks?

Meanwhile, in the simulation, Ru’afo is checking his script.

Ru’afo: What do you mean this is a fucking simulation! Shit! All right, screw it... I’m going to beam over to the collector and activate it manually!

Back with Picard, Worf, and Gallatin...

Picard: [signing] To my good friend, The Dork... I hope you lose your virginity someday and move out of your parents’ basement. Best of luck with the acne... Your friend... [He scratches out the word “friend”] Your acquaintance... [He scratches out the word “acquaintance”] Your... person you watch religiously on TV, Jean-Luc Picard. There you are, little pathetic one.

Dork: Woo hoo! Wait until I scan this into my computer to show my chat room friends this!

What follows is the chat transcript from that chat room conversation...

**DORK1701 has logged in.**
KIRKRULZDAHIZZOUSE: Yeah, I think that City on the Edge of Forever is probably the greatest TOS moment.
TRIBBLE_MASHER69: You got that right, but what about TNG?
DORK1701: Hey guys! What’s going on in here!?
BALD_IS_BEAUTIFUL: The Inner Light. No contest.
KIRKRULZDAHIZZOUSE: Ditto.
PORTHOS: No nono no no! You’re forgetting Yesterdays Enreprise!
DORK1701: Hello?
BALD_IS_BEAUTIFUL: "Enreprise?" Is that the new spinoff?
TRIBBLE_MASHER69: LOL!
PORTHOS: Okay, spelling Nazi!
BALD_IS_BEAUTIFUL: j/k
DORK1701: Hey, guess what I got!
MAGNOLIAFAN: Speaking of TNG, did you read that Insurrection parody?
KIRKRULZDAHIZZOUSE: Oh, God... not by the same guy who did The Funny Frontier, DeGenerations, and Full Contact!
MAGNOLIAFAN: Yep.
KIRKRULZDAHIZZOUS: Those are so lame!
DORK1701: Hello?
PORTHOS: Yeah, he’s really not as funny as he thinks he is. Just another fan with way too much time on his hands.
**GREEN-SKINNED-ALIEN-BABE has logged in.**
GREEN-SKINNED-ALIEN-BABE: Hey everyone! Age/Sex/Location check!
KIRKRULZDAHIZZOUSE: 19/M/San Fransisco
PORTHOS: 17/M/Kansas City
TRIBBLE_MASHER69: 22/M/Boston
BALD_IS_BEAUTIFUL: 23/M/Tacoma
DORK1701: 39/M/Parents’ Basement. Hey, I got an autographed Insurr-wreck-sion script!
DORK1701: Hello?
**GREEN-SKINNED-ALIEN-BABE has logged out.**
KIRKRULZDAHIZZOUSE: Oh, wtg, dork! You totally chased her off!
PORTHOS: everything was going fine until you mentioned that lame parody!
JASONG113: Hey, fuck you guys!
BALD_IS_BEAUTIFUL: Gaston, is that you!?
**JASONG113 has logged out.**
DORK1701: Hello?
**PICARD has logged in**
PICARD: Excuse me, I’m sorry... But I really have to make you all end this bit. It’s just not funny.
**GREEN-SKINNED-ALIEN-BABE has logged in.**
GREEN-SKINNED-ALIEN-BABE: Sorry, peeps. Got booted. AOL SUX! LOL!
PICARD: 60/M/Outer Space.
GREEN-SKINNED-ALIEN-BABE: Oo, an older man! Wanna cyber?

On the ship...

Picard: Holy shit! She totally wants to cyber me!

Worf: Captain! You must beam over to the collector and stop Ru’afo from killing everyone on the planet!

Picard: Dammit! Very well!

Picard walks off. Worf and Gallatin rush to the monitor and start typing.

Gallatin: Quick! Ask her what she’s wearing!

On the collector, Picard climbs up to the control tower where Ru’afo is getting ready to fire the injector. Ru’afo and Picard aim at each other.

Dork: Oh, here it is... the clichéd standoff between hero and villain. Michael Piller, could you get any more predictable? Sheesh!

Ru’afo fires. Picard grabs the Dork and uses him as a human shield.

Dork: All right... I’ll give you that one. Irk!

The Dork dies... but his BO will live on. Picard shot Ru’afo and walks over to detonate the collector.

Picard: This should be a thrilling special effects climax.

Picard detonates the collector. From the bottom of the shaft, explosions appear... quickly approaching the control booth. Ru’afo and the Dork stand up.

Picard: I though the Dork was dead.

He got better.

Ru’afo: Now it appears you have a choice, Picard! The Enterprise is coming to beam you out, and you can only make it to one of us before it does. Who will you choose?

The collector explodes as the Enterprise swoops by.

In the transporter room, Picard and Ru’afo step off the transporter pad.

Ru’afo: Excellent choice, Captain.

Picard: You would have done the same.

Back on the Ba’ku planet, everything is happy and gay again. The villagers are eating their captures as part of the Ba’ku tribute of thanks to their pagan four-headed sex god. As Anij and Picard look on, Gallatin is approached by a Ba’ku.

Anij: Oh, how sweet. A family reunion of mother and son.

Picard: Yes, I thought it would go about healing some wounds.

Ba’ku Mother: [Starts hitting Gallatin with a broom] You ungrateful little bastard! I told you to be home by nine o’clock! Where have you been? I’ve had it with you, young man! You play your music too loud, you have those shifty friends over, and I don’t know what you’ve been doing in the bathroom all day!

Picard: Mission accomplished. Gimmie some sugar, baby!

Picard and Anij kiss.

Picard: Groovy.

Anij: When will I see you again?

Picard: Hey, it’s a big universe, baby! I’ll see if I can squeeze you in!

Picard and the away team beam up. Anij gives them the finger.

Anij: Bastard!

High above the Ba’ku planet, the Enterprise swoops by and sails out of the Briar Patch.

On the bridge...

Riker: Oh, shit!

Picard: What!?

Riker: I thnk I know why they call this place the Briar Patch now!

A giant Brer Rabbit, Brer Bear, and Brer Fox soar out of the clouds and tear into the Enterprise until she Explodes!!!

The End

DORK1701: Hello?

DORK1701: Helloooo?

DORK1701: So, when does the next movie come out?

DORK1701: Hello?

**DORK1701 has logged out.**