Episode 2: “When Tribbles Attack, Part II”

Written by “Krenim”

Published March 27, 2000

“Captain’s Log: Sometime after Star Trek VI, but I’m not sure if it’s before or after Generations... Anyway, Captain Sulu commanding. It’s about time I showed up. We’re already knee-deep into the series pilot. Oh well. At least I’m here.”

Commander Rand walked up behind Captain Sulu and tapped him on the shoulder. “Uh, sir... You’re talking into your mashed potatoes again...”

“I am not! I’m talking into my applesauce!”

“Oh. You’re right. Well, you’re the captain...”

“And don’t you forget it!”

Sulu went and stuck another spoonful of applesauce in his ear. “Anyway, the Excelsior has been assigned to protect the tribble homeworld from a Klingon battlefleet that is bent on destroying the last of these humming hairpieces. At least, I think they’re on their way... I’m missing my Star Trek Chronology right now, so they might not be here for decades. I hope not, otherwise this would be a really boring series.”

Valtane then rushed up to the captain. “Captain!”

“Yes, that’s me! I’m the captain! Me! Not Kirk! Me!”

“Uh... Sure... Anyway, a ship just appeared on our scanners!”

“A Klingon ship?”

“No, sir.”

“A Klingon ship?”

“Sir, I just told you it wasn’t a Klingon ship.”

“Are you talking back to your captain? You can’t talk to me like that, because I’m the captain!”

“Yes, that you are, sir.”

“That’s better. Now, what kind of a ship is it?”

“Well, it appears to be a Federation ship, but it’s far more advanced than anything I’ve ever seen...”

“What?!?! A Federation ship more advanced than Excelsior? Forget you losers! I want to captain that ship!”

“You can’t, sir. It looks like it was only designed to carry one person, and there are three people crammed into it right now.”

“Well, then they’ve violated Federation crew density laws! Let’s get that ship!”

Valtane followed Sulu out of the Excelsior’s mess hall when Sulu stopped dead in his tracks. “Wait a minute, Valtane! You’re dead!”

“Well, obviously not, Captain.”

“That’s right! I’m the captain! Anyway, I saw you die in ‘Flashback’! You transferred that funny brain virus into Tuvok!”

“Yeah, well, I was alive and well at the end of Star Trek VI!”

“Oh yeah... Well, carry on, then...”

Sulu arrived on Excelsior’s bridge and sat in his chair. “That’s right! This is my chair! Mine! You can’t have it! Anyway... I want that ship onscreen.”

Seconds later, the new ship came onscreen. Sulu looked at it. “Wait a minute! That’s not an advanced Federation starship! That’s a miniature stealth bomber!”

Rand turned around. “Captain...”

“Yes, that’s me! I’m the captain! Of my own ship! In my own series!”

“Yeah, yeah... anyway, the ship is hailing us.”

“They are? Rats! I just had the windshield replaced a week ago!”

“No sir, they want to talk to us.”

“Oh... Onscreen.”

Three men crammed into a small cockpit appeared onscreen. Sulu stood up. “I’m Captain... Note that I’m a captain... Sulu of the Excelsior. Just who are you?”

The man on the left said, “Well, if A leads to B, and B leads to C...”

“I’ve had enough of your technobabble! You in the middle... Who are you?”


“Okay... You on the left... Who are you?”

“No, I believe you should ask me who I am.”

“I just did!”

“Oh... Well, I’m Old Old Psycho Braxton, and these are my two temporal clones, Old Captain Braxton and Young Old Psycho Braxton. We’re just here to pick up some tribbles.”

“I can’t allow you to do that, for two reasons. First, tribbles are an endangered species, and taking any is against Federation law.”

“No, taking any is against Federation law. What’s the other reason?”

“Nobody’s allowed to have a ship better than mine on my series, so I’m afraid you’re going to have to turn over your ship.”

“Who said it was your series? Maybe it’s my series, and you’re just a guest star...”

Sulu started to cry and ran off the bridge. Rand took command. “Well, look what you’ve done now! You made the captain cry! Good work, but we still can’t let you take any tribbles.”

Valtane interrupted. “Sir, another ship just appeared! It’s like that one, but bigger and uglier!”

“Hail them!”

“Uh... Isn’t that your job? You’re the communications officer, aren’t you?”

“Well, as the acting captain, I now make you the acting communications officer. Now hail them!”

Young Captain Braxton and Ducane stood on the Relativity’s bridge. Ducane checked the ship’s status. “The time travel was successful, sir. We are now in the late 23rd Century.”

“No, the time travel was successful, and we’re now in the late 23rd Century.”

“Of course, sir. Anyway, the Excelsior is hailing us.”

“Blast! I just had the windshield replaced last week!”

“No, sir... They want to talk to us.”

“Very well, but first we must shave the fluffy green bunnies.”


“The fluffy green bunnies... They’re so fluffy...”

As Young Captain Braxton began to drool, Ducane tapped his communicator. “Bridge to the Doctor! The time travel must have made the captain’s temporal psychosis worse... You’d better get up here and treat him...”

While waiting for the Doctor to get to the bridge, Ducane opened a channel. “This is the Federation Timeship Relativity. We are here to prevent damage to the timeline. Do not interfere.”

Captain Sulu appeared onscreen, wiping his tears away. “I’m sorry, but since this is my series, I get to say what goes on, and I want that ship for myself. I get to have the best ship, because I’m the captain!”

Young Captain Braxton continued drooling. “Fluffy...”

Sulu raised an eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. “Who’s that?”

“This is our captain, Young Captain Braxton.”

“Not much of a captain... Say... How about I be your new captain? I only drool half as much as that guy!”

“Sorry, but one deranged captain is all I can handle right now...”

Rand interrupted them. “Captain, while you’ve been trying to get a better ship for yourself, the three Braxtons beamed up a few tribbles and disappeared...”

The Doctor stepped onto the Relativity’s bridge and gave Braxton a hypospray. His drooling decreased by 47%, and he came to his senses. “No, I believe they beamed up a few tribbles and disappeared...”

Ducane rolled his eyes. “Of course, sir. Should we follow them?”

“No, I believe we should follow them.”

Sulu got all excited. “Hey! Can I come with you guys? I’ve had experience with tribbles before! I could be a big help!”

“No, I have a better idea. Since you’ve had experience with tribbles, you should come with us.”

Ducane shook his head. “We can’t do that. If we take Sulu...”

Captain Sulu!”

“If we take Captain Sulu out of his timeframe, we’ll alter the timeline.”

“No problem. We’ll just leave a lifelike replica of him here so that the timeline isn’t messed up.”

“Very good, Captain. I’ll beam Captain Sulu aboard.”

“No, you should beam Captain Sulu aboard.”

Ducane beamed Captain Sulu aboard, beamed the lifelike Sulu replica over to the Excelsior, and then commenced time travel.

On the Excelsior, everyone stared at the Sulu replica. Rand got up the guts to talk to it. “Sir?”

The Sulu replica just kept staring forward. “Aye, sir. Ahead warp factor 5.”

“What are your orders?”

“Aye, sir. Ahead warp factor 5.”

To Be Continued...