Episode 115: “S10K, Part II”
Written by “Krenim”
Published January 27, 2005
Down in the depths of the Excelsior’s computer core, Valtane, Dax, and Damar were hard at work trying to fix the ship’s internal chronometer. While they were tinking with the circuitry, they were chatting.
Valtane was reviewing information on a PADD. “So... Have we met before? I’ve been getting the strangest feelings of déjà vu since you arrived.”
Dax and Damar, who had all sorts of tools around them, looked at each other for a second and then replied in unison, “Temporal Prime Directive.”
“Okay... Hey, did you know that Rand and I have our own theme song? Want to hear it?”
Dax and Damar didn’t even have to look at each other that time. “No!”
Captain Sulu, who was supervising (and by “supervising” I mean “lounging around drinking a nice cold beverage"), sternly said, “Less talky, more worky.”
Dax shouted back, “You could be helping us, you know!”
“I could, but I’m just a simple mathematician/helmsman/captain. Programming is not my strong suit.”
Meanwhile, on Cylon-occupied Caprica the Excelsior’s bridge, everyone else was trying to find other ways to help. Rand was busy at her console. “Why can’t I get through?”
Braxton came over. “What’s going on?”
“I can’t raise Starfleet Command.”
“Well, of course not. It’s way too heavy.”
“I meant that I can’t contact Starfleet Command, you dolt!”
“Oh. Well, why can’t you?”
“I’m not sure, but I think we’re being jammed.”
“What flavor?”
“And you’re a captain?”
“Yeah. Neat, huh?”
“‘Neat’ is not the word I was looking for.”
Ducane distracted Braxton with a shiny button, and then looked over Rand’s shoulder. “What’s jamming us?”
“Not sure, but I think it’s a ship. Hold on, I’m reading an energy surge! It’s a transporter beam!”
Warning klaxons started going off, and the computer’s voice began sounding through the ship. Intruder alert! Intruder alert!
Rand rolled her eyes. “We already know that!”
Well excuuuuuuuuuse me! Does everybody on the ship know that? No? Then shut up!
Ducane was a bit stunned. “Wow. I thought our computer had an attitude problem.”
Rand replied, “It’s sensitive, especially when it’s being worked on.”
“Where’s the intruder?”
Rand quickly brought up internal scans. “Near the computer core!”
Down in the computer core, time was running out. Even though the Excelsior’s internal chronometer continued to slow, the clock now read Stardate 9999.9. Valtane, Dax, and Damar continued to work while the intruder warning blared through the ship. Sulu had gotten out his phaser pistol and was on guard.
Valtane smiled. “Thanks for protecting us, Captain.”
Sulu replied, “I suppose I have to, since my legions of redshirted security officers are nowhere to be seen...”
A mysterious shadowy figure called to them. “I suggest you stop trying to fix that chronometer and enjoy what time the Federation has left.”
Sulu pointed his phaser towards the figure. “Show yourself!”
The figure walked out of the shadows, revealing himself to be... a rather old Soval! “I’ve been trying to fix this problem for more than a century. It can’t be done.”
Sulu was stunned. “Soval?! You’re behind this evil plot to destroy the Federation?”
“Evil plot? I’ve been trying to save the Federation. Soon after the signing of the charter, it became apparent that Archer’s nutty Federation was actually going to work. Take that, Shran! We tried to fix Gates’ rotten chronometer program to last more than ten years, but to no avail. The coding was just that bad. Therefore, we slowed down the chronometers as much as we could. Everyone eventually thought that the stardate system was some wacky nonsensical time unit, instead of the logical metric one it was intended to be. But now time truly is up, and I won’t let you spoil the Federation’s final hours by sending it into a panic!”
Sulu pointed towards Dax and Damar. “But these people are from the future! They might still be able to fix the chronometer!”
“From the future? The Vulcan Science Directorate has concluded...”
“Not that stupid line again! I’ve gone back in time plenty of times! How do you explain the fact that humpback whales suddenly reappeared just in time to save Earth from an alien probe?”
“The whales were obviously on vacation for several centuries. However, if you can fix the chronometer, I’ll stop jamming your communications.”
Sulu turned back to everyone else. “You guys almost done?”
The three got out from under the computer core. Valtane breathed a sigh of relief. “We just finished. Everything’s working better than ever, including the chronometer.”
Soval raised an eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. “But how?”
Dax explained. “We installed LCARS as your new operating system.”
Damar thought for a second, then asked, “But if we’re the ones that installed LCARS, where did it come from in the first place?”
“Predestination paradox. Oh well.”
Soval tapped a few buttons on some handheld device. “Very well. You may transmit the code.”
“Captain’s Log: Stardate 10000.0. The LCARS code has been secretly uploaded to the Federation computer network. Nobody will know how close the Federation came to total destruction.”
The Relativity crew was preparing to go back to their own ship. Ducane walked over to Sulu. “Remember, you need to record that message and arrange for it to be transmitted in 600 years.”
Sulu smiled. “No problem. Now, don’t take this the wrong way, but please get off my ship. Your captain has been driving my crew nuts.”
And so, the Relativity crew beamed back to their ship and disappeared back into the timestream...
UPN Promo:
In the next exciting episode, the greatest musicians from throughout history begin vanishing! But who is behind this diabolical plot, and what is the sinister rationale behind this evil scheme?