Episode 119: “Desk Jockeys, Part II”

Written by “Krenim”

Published April 8, 2005

Previously on Star Trek: Series ?, Captain Braxton awoke to find that he had been promoted to Admiral and assigned to Starbase 666! Along with his new aide, T’Lenol, Braxton found that the evil Admiral Janeway had also been assigned to the same starbase! The two archnemeses teamed up to discover what was going on! It turned out the entire situation was a holomatrix program set up by the Progeny! On a side note, I use way too many exclamation marks!

And now the conclusion...

Janeway, with her foot still on the Progeny woman’s neck, pondered for a few seconds. “Progeny? Where do I know that name from? Oh yeah... You’re the ones that kidnapped Braxton about half a year ago. I made my escape from Rura Penthe while the guards were being briefed on the situation.”

The Progeny woman looked to Braxton and sneered. At least somebody’s keeping track of what’s going on around here!

Janeway, while normally amused whenever jokes were made at Braxton’s expense, did not flinch. “I heard the Progeny ship was blown up. If you’re from that vessel, how did you survive?”

Janeway’s foot promptly passed right through the Progeny woman’s neck, slamming onto the floor. The Progeny woman sat up and sneered again. I am noncorporeal. I am only solid when I want to be. I cannot be damaged by the likes of you.

In unison, Braxton and Janeway muttered, “Stupid noncorporeal aliens!”

You’re calling me stupid? I’m not the one stuck in a holomatrix.

An increasingly furious Janeway slammed the Progeny up against the wall. “Are you going to tell us what’s going on here, or do I have to torture it out of you?”

Simple creature, I told you that you can’t harm me.

“Oh no? Computer, I want every screen in this starbase playing Catwoman.”

No, anything but that!

“Then start talking!”

After the destruction of my vessel, I had only one place to go... The Relativity. I hid in the ship’s power grid, completely undetected by its primitive sensors. I continued scanning Captain Braxton for the data necessary to undo the effect of the abominable artifact he used several years ago, although the ship’s archaic temporal technology slowed my progress. However, there was one piece of data that I required to complete Braxton’s temporal profile: His interactions with you.

You two are inexorably linked. He is as he is because of you, you are as you are because of him. Thus, by hacking into secure Federation channels, I arranged to have you both brought here to this holoship for study. I must admit that I was suprised that you figured out what was going on so quickly, but I must say that this data is beyond compare. Soon I shall have all that I need.

“I don’t care what you do to Braxton, I just want out of here!”

At that moment, T’Lenol (who had been standing in the background for the last minute or so) spoke up. “In this case, Admiral Janeway, I think that you should care very much what happens to Braxton. Think about it. If Admiral, or rather, Captain Braxton became a villain instead of using the Plah D’Viz, he would not have posed a threat to Future Guy’s plans. Thus, Future Guy would not have arranged for the Vaadwaur to break you out of the Federation Maximum Security Prison. You’d still be sitting there to this very day.”

Janeway pondered the Vulcan’s words for a minute, then responded, “Pointy-ears is right. As much as I hate to say it, I have to help Captain Braxton. ...Wait, that didn’t sound right. I have to help Captain Braxton. That’s not going to sound right no matter how many times I say it, is it?”

T’Lenol, the Progeny woman, and even Captain Braxton all shook their heads.

“Yeah, didn’t think so.”

The Progeny woman scoffed. Do as you will. You can’t stop me. Once I’ve finished processing the data, I will transmit it to another one of our vessels that is already en route to our location. When it arrives, Captain Braxton will be made to pay for his transgression against time itself. Until then, farewell...

And with that, the Progeny woman vanished.

Braxton rushed to a computer terminal. “We’ve got to contact the Relativity! They’ll save us!”

T’Lenol sighed and turned to Janeway. “You want to tell him, or should I?”

Janeway yanked Braxton away from the terminal. “You imbecile! The only thing that’ll do is contact the holographic Relativity that’s part of this simulation! We need to find a way to contact the real world!”

T’Lenol raised an eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. “Easily done, I believe.”

Braxton and Janeway were struck dumb.

T’Lenol continued. “We are all currently on a holomatrix. A perfectly functioning holomatrix. Emphasis on ‘perfectly functioning’.”

Janeway’s expression of confusion slowly gave way to a gigantic evil grin. “Of course! Why didn’t I see this before?”

“Because every other holodeck/holomatrix episode involves a malfunctioning holodeck?”

Braxton was still out of the loop. “I don’t get it.”

Janeway grabbed Braxton and began shaking him. “This is a perfectly functioning holomatrix! All we have to do is end the program!”

“End the program? That’s crazy talk!”

“Under any other circumstances, it would be. But we can just order the computer to stop the simulation, and then we can stop the Progeny before they screw up both our pasts!”

T’Lenol gave the two mortal enemies the Vulcan hand salute. “Live long and prosper, Braxton and Janeway.”

Braxton smiled back. “If they ever allow holographic crew members, I’ll give you a call.”

Janeway slapped Braxton upside the head. “You already have a holographic crew member, you dolt! Computer, end program!”

Everything, including T’Lenol, vanished, replaced by a large empty room with a single door. The pair exited the room into a small corridor and began looking around. After trying a few doors, Braxton shouted, “I think I found a way off this ship!”

Janeway ran over to the doorway. Braxton had found the ship’s small shuttlebay, which was housing two shuttles. “Well, there’s my shuttle. I’m assuming the other one brought you here while you were sleeping. Get onboard yours and start transmitting a distress signal. I’ll do the same with mine. Whichever ship gets here first can help us deal with the Progeny.”

Braxton got onboard his shuttle. He muttered to himself. “Yeah, and when the Relativity gets here first, you’ll be sent back to prison forever!”

Likewise, Janeway muttered to herself, “Yeah, and when the Excelsior gets here first, I’ll give you the slow painful death you’ve been asking for for years!”

A few minutes later, both exited their shuttles, both armed with phaser rifles. Janeway smiled. “You know, do they even make regular phasers anymore? Seems like we’ve always got phaser rifles.”

Braxton shrugged. “Probably keeps the budget down to keep reusing the same props over and over.”

After trying a few more doors, the duo arrived at the holoship’s bridge. The Progeny woman was operating the controls by phasing her hand into the console. Janeway pointed her phaser rifle at her. “Stop what you’re doing or else!”

Or else what?

“Or else this!”

And with that, Janeway fired. The beam went right through the alien. Didn’t I tell you that would do you no good?

“Wasn’t aiming at you.”

The console that the woman had been working was totally fried. Still, she seemed unconcerned. It doesn’t matter. I’ve already analyzed and transmitted the data. It’s only a matter of time until more of my kind arrive... Hahahahaha!

Braxton sarcastically mumbled, “Well, that’s just perfect. I guess there’s only one thing to do now.”

Janeway replied, “Get the heck out of here?”

“Well, I was going to suggest replicating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but that works too.”

The two ran to their shuttles and took off in opposite directions. Janeway’s shuttle warped away just before the Relativity arrived. Ducane’s face appeared on a small viewscreen in Braxton’s shuttle. “Sir, there you are! We got your distress signal! We’ve detected Janeway’s shuttle. Should we give chase?”

“No, not this time. Yar, you got anything that would destroy a noncorporeal lifeform?”

Onboard the Relativity’s bridge, Yar’s finger pointed towards a large button that said “Blow Up Noncorporeal Lifeforms.” “I knew I had this button installed for a reason!”

“Good! Blow up that holoship!”

“But that’s a Starfleet ship.”

“Just do it!”

Onboard the holoship, the Progeny woman simply chuckled as she observed the Relativity nearby. Run while you can, Braxton. You cannot escape us. Hey, what’s that?

The Relativity had fired several strange weapons at the holoship. Morons. What good do they think that will do?

She quickly interfaced with the sensors. Her smile quickly vanished. Aw heck.

And with that, the holoship (and the Progeny woman) went kablooie...

Admiral’s Captain’s Log: The good news is that annoying Progeny woman finally kicked the bucket. Bought the farm. Took a dirt nap. Insert many other euphemisms for death here. Unfortunately, she managed to transmit all her data to the rest of the Progeny, who are already on their way to our galaxy. Janeway got away, but I’m not totally sure that’s a bad thing. She may prove a valuable ally when the Progeny arrive.”

“Sir, stop foreshadowing!”

“Shut up, Ducane! It’s my party and I’ll foreshadow if I want to!”

“Party? What party?”


UPN Promo:

What happens when Replicators meet replicators? Nothing good, that’s for sure...