Episode 121: “Nobody Expects the Ferengi Acquisition!”

Written by “Krenim”

Published May 18, 2005

“Captain’s Log: We have returned to Starbase 47 on the orders of Admiral Crusher. He sounded oddly happy to get in touch with us. Oh well, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about...”

Captain Braxton strolled into Admiral Crusher’s office. “Hiya, Admiral! You wanted to see me?”

Crusher looked up from his desk and smiled at Braxton, which was an indicator in and of itself that something was horrifically amiss. “I did indeed want to see you, Braxton! I’ve got great news!”

“You’ve saved hundreds of dollars by switching to Geico?”

“There was a time where I’d hurt you for a stupid question like that, Braxton. Luckily, you’re not my concern anymore.”

“Uh... I’m not?”

“Nope. You’ve been sold... to the Ferengi.”

“I’ve been... sold?”

“Yes. You, your crew, and your ship.”

“Hold on a sec.” Braxton tapped his communicator. “Braxton to Ducane.”

“Ducane here, sir.”

“All of us and our ship have been sold to the Ferengi. How many things are wrong with that statement?”

“First of all, for the quadrillionth time, the Federation doesn’t use money, so we couldn’t have been sold. Second of all, slavery is forbidden in the Federation, so even if you could sell things, you couldn’t sell people.”

“Thank you, Ducane. Braxton out. Well, you heard the man. What do you have to say to that?”

“I say we got a planet full of self-sealing temporal stembolts in the deal. Bye, Braxton.”

“But... But... I wasn’t expecting we’d be some kind of...”



“Come on, say it.”

Ferengi acquisition!

Two Ferengi leapt out of the shadows. One of them shouted, “Nobody expects the Ferengi Acquisition! Our chief weapon is greed! Greed and... uh... Say, Throq, what’s our other chief weapon?”

Throq replied, “Uh... More greed, Kesh?”

“Right! Greed and more greed!”

Crusher rolled his eyes. “That’s nice. Our business is now concluded, so kindly take your new timeship captain and leave.”

And with that, Throq and Kesh grabbed Braxton and hauled him out of Crusher’s office...

“You expect me to what?!?!

Yar’s hands were wrapped around Throq’s neck, attempting to choke the life out of him. Dax shouted at her, “Tasha, you can’t do that!”

“Why not?”

“Because in order to suffocate a Ferengi, you’ve got to do it like this!”

Dax took over choking Throq, and added some throttling for good measure.

Kesh, who had been taking an inventory of everything onboard, arrived back on the bridge. “What’s going on here?”

Kes glared at him. “He wanted all of us to walk around naked!”

Throq barely squeaked out, “Just the women!”

Xaronna added, “We were all in swimsuits just a few episodes ago, now we’re supposed to get naked? What is this show coming to? Besides, weren’t women given the right to wear clothes in Ferengi culture centuries ago?”

Kesh responded, “Yes, but that doesn’t mean we don’t still want to see naked women. However, I think the issue of crew clothing can wait. Everything that we require is aboard. Come, Throq. We have plans to make.”

Ducane stepped over to Braxton. “How did this happen, sir?”

“Apparently the Federation traded us for a planet full of self-sealing temporal stembolts.”

“Self-sealing temporal stembolts? Is there even such a thing?”

“You’re asking me? Heck if I know. What I’d really like to know is what exactly these Ferengi are going to do with a Federation timeship...”

“What exactly are we going to do with a Federation timeship?”

The two Ferengi had holed themselves up in one of the Relativity’s guest quarters. Kesh glared at his compatriot, and went back to working on his PADD. “Anything we want. Anything profitable, that is. We could go back in time and alter events such that we are the richest Ferengi in the galaxy. We could go forward in time and gain information and technology that would make us the richest Ferengi in the galaxy.”

“Well, which is it? Forward or backward?”

“I haven’t decided yet. Time travel is a tricky thing. Luckily, I took that mail-order course in temporal mechanics, so I should have something figured out soon.”

Everyone slumped down into their chairs. Ducane was the first to speak. “Well, whatever they’re up to, we can’t let them succeed. Anybody have a plan?”

Braxton raised his hand.

“Anybody have a plan that will work?”

Braxton waived his hand back and forth like an excited schoolchild.

“Alright, I know I’m going to regret this, but what’s your plan, sir?”

“Well, first we dress up like wandering gypsies. Wandering Andorian gypsies. Then...”

“Stop right there. I think I’ve got a plan of my own.”

A little while later, Kesh and Throq stepped onto the Relativity bridge. “Listen, hoo-mons.”

Dax, Damar, Kes, Xaronna, and the Doctor all simultaneously shouted, “Hey!”

“And assorted others. You will take this vessel 20 years into the future. Once we are there, we will meet my future self and he will give us all the info we need to make us filthy rich!”

The Doctor rolled his eyes. “It took you that long to come up with that plan? What did you do, watch Bill and Ted?”

Throq quickly hid his Bill and Ted DVD behind his back. “Uh... No. What are you waiting for? Send us to the future!”

Braxton pointed to Xaronna. “You heard the man. 20 minutes into the future. Engage.”

Kesh fumed. “I said 20 years, stupid hoo-mon! Not 20 minutes!”

“Right. 20 centuries.”

“20 minutes!”

“Gotcha. 20 bananas.”

Twelve hours later, Braxton finally managed to give the proper command, and the Relativity made the short trip to 20 years in the future.

Kesh paced back and forth. “So... Where am I?”

Braxton replied, “You’re right behind me.”

“Not me, you cretin! The future me!”

Dax checked the sensors. “I’m picking up a small rickety old shuttle on an intercept course.”

“Anybody onboard?”

“Yes. One Ferengi.”

“Beam him aboard.”

One transporter beam later, Old Kesh was standing next to Kesh. Clearly, the Ferengi’s older self had seen better days, as he was wearing rags and (if the smell was any indication) he hadn’t had a bath in years. Kesh looked rather annoyed. “What took you so long?”

“I don’t own a clock!”

“You don’t own a clock? Surely you must be filthy rich from using the information that you’re about to give to me.”

“Nope. The only things that I own are these rags and this movie in my pocket.”

“A movie. Well, at least that’s something.”

“Not really. It’s a Jennifer Lopez movie. I’m actually in debt just by touching it.” And with that, he threw it on the floor.

“But what about the plan?”

“Soon after you get back, Starfleet figures out that those self-sealing temporal stembolts are a bunch of fakes, and so they come after us. By the time this idiot,” pointing at Braxton, “gave the correct command to run away, Starfleet had swarmed the ship and arrested us. I only just got released from prison an hour ago, and I had to rent this old shuttle to get out here.”

Throq asked, “What about me? What happened to me?”

Old Kesh sighed. “I traded your internal organs for the shuttle rental. Anyway, if you go back right away and return this stupid ship, you won’t go to prison.”

A short time later, back in the “present"...

Admiral Crusher banged his fist on his desk. “You can’t give him back! I was finally free of him! Free, I tell you!”

Kesh shoved Braxton onto Crusher’s desk and then held up his PADD. “According to Subsection 47 of our contract, in the ultrafine print, I can return this idiot and his ship for a full refund. I’ll take back my planet of self-sealing stembolts.”

Braxton corrected, “Self-sealing temporal stembolts.”

“You really are an idiot, Braxton. Come on, Throq, let’s get out of here.”

Outside Crusher’s office, the rest of the Relativity crew watched as the two Ferengi went storming off. Dax smiled. “Good plan letting Braxton’s stupidity run rampant like that.”

Ducane smiled back. “Yeah. Only the United Federation of Planets, dedicated to peace and tolerance, can put up with Braxton.”

Damar interrupted. “Uh, but it didn’t. It sold him and all of us to the Ferengi.”

“Yeah, well, the Federation’s corrupt. No surprise here. If that didn’t get hammered home back in Deep Space Nine, it never will be.”

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The crew of the Relativity finds itself in serious trouble when the Gorgan pays a visit! Can the green goof be defeated? Find out when Series ? has its first episode with a podcast!