Episode 134: “Home Again (Again)”

Written by “Krenim”

Published July 30, 2006

The Relativity dropped out of hyperwarp by Starbase 47. While the station itself was undamaged, a great deal of debris littered the area around it. Numerous small Starfleet vessels were tractoring the small chunks of floating treknobabble out of the way.

Braxton, along with the rest of the senior staff, winced at the sight on the main viewscreen. “Ouch. I’d sure hate to be whoever was on that ship.”

Xaronna, who had basically taken over Jadzia’s job since her IQ was now comparable to that of a pencil, checked the sensors. “Actually, sir, it looks like that used to be the Excelsior.”

“Oh. In that case, never mind. Can you tell what blew it up?”

“I’m reading energy imprints on several chunks that are consistent with Progeny weapons. Looks like Janeway tried to have her vengeance on them for making her spend time with you.”

“Nonsense. I’m wonderful to be around.”

“Sir, the last time I tried to spend time with you in a social setting, you decided to make a necklace out of live gagh.”

“Your point? Anyway, we’d better check in with Admiral Crusher and find out what’s been going on.”

Several minutes later, the Relativity crew arrived at Starbase 47’s infirmary. Admiral Crusher was laying in bed going over several reports. “Ah, Captain Braxton, I see that you’re back! I’m under contractual obligation to at least feign happiness.”

“Yes, I’m back! Are you quite okay, sir?”

“I’m still a bit exhausted from using my Traveler powers for so long. I’ll be back up and around in no time.”

“And what exactly happened to the Excelsior?”

“Oh, yeah, that. Well, it showed up just after you left. Janeway made an attempt at destroying the Progeny, but she only wound up making them mad.”

“How mad?”

“She sent them to the Charmed universe.”

Everyone cringed. After a few seconds of that, Braxton replied, “No wonder they were so ticked off when they finally caught up with us.”

“Yeah. Anyway, the Progeny blew the Excelsior to tiny bits and then left.”

“And Janeway...?”

Several days earlier...

The evil crew of the evil Excelsior had only enough time to eke out a collective “Uh oh” before the Progeny ship fired on them. The first strike took out the ship’s evil shields and caused critical damage to the ship itself.

Janeway shouted, “All hands abandon ship! Repeat, abandon ship!!! Women and evil admirals first!!!

Before any of them could start running for their lives, they all vanished in blue transporter beams.

The Progeny vessel fired again, and this time, the USS Excelsior NCC-2000 exploded in a spectacular fireball. It then engaged its transhyperwarp engines and resumed its pursuit of the Relativity and Captain Braxton...

Onboard Starbase 47, the evil crew of the now-destroyed evil Excelsior found themselves on a transporter pad surrounded by phaser rifle-toting Starfleet security officers.

Janeway was noticeably shocked. “What the...”

Admiral Crusher walked into the transporter room. It was apparent that he was under a great deal of physical stress, but he was still getting around okay. “Your shields were down, so we beamed you aboard. After all, you were right next to the station.”

“Send me back to my ship, boy!”

“Your ship is now in a million tiny pieces. We’ll be happy to provide you temporary accommodations in holding cells, though. Take them away!”

And as the bad guys were being led to their cells, Crusher managed a smile and called after them. “And no coffee for them, either!”

Janeway’s unearthly howls of agony could be heard for quite some time...

Braxton’s eyes lit up. “So Janeway’s sitting here in a holding cell right now?”

“Yes, at least until we can get a transport to take them to the Federation Maximum Security Prison.”

“Then if you will excuse me, I have gloating to do!”

And with that, Braxton sped out of the infirmary.

Crusher tried to call after him, but to no avail. “Wait! What happened with the Progeny? How did you all get back here?”

Yar explained all that had transpired. When the story was over, Admiral Crusher looked quite pale. “That’s... that’s... awful! Braxton’s been allowed to make command decisions without Ducane looking over his shoulder?”

Damar muttered, “And what are we, chopped liver?”

Crusher ignored the comment. “I’m surprised Braxton hasn’t managed to destroy the entire space-time continuum by now. Something will have to be done about that. In the meantime, I’ll requisition a medical transport to bring the Dax symbiont here from Trill, and I’ll assign some of my engineering staff to effect more permanent repairs to the Relativity. Dismissed.”

Meanwhile, Captain Braxton marched into Starbase 47’s cell block with a big smile on his face. As he passed the individual cells, their occupants scowled quietly at him. Well, except for Apophis, who merely shouted “Kneel before Apophis!

Braxton stopped in front of Janeway’s cell. She looked up at him and rolled her eyes. “Well, that’s just what I needed to deal with without coffee... Go ahead, get your gloating over with.”

“Alrighty. Nyah nyah, you’re in jail!”

“Only because I was fighting your enemies! And I suppose that, typically, you came out of the whole experience just fine.”

“Not entirely. Ducane’s been in a coma for a few days, and it doesn’t look he’s gonna wake up any time soon.”

What?!?! You’ve been making command decisions without Ducane mopping up your messes for days?! How has the space-time continuum not been destroyed yet?!”

“Exaggerating much?”

“No! Do you have any idea how much that guy does for you? Now that he’s gone, you’re a menace to all reality that even I fear! Luckily, as an evil genius, I’ve prepared for just such a situation...”

“You’ve prepared for Ducane falling into a coma?”

“What? I’ve got all kinds of backup plans! I planted Rand and Valtane’s DNA and memories so I could retrieve them, didn’t I?”

“Yet you’re still stuck in jail.”

“Okay, so that’s the only backup plan I don’t have, but that’s besides the point. You need to scan Evil Frequency 47. The signal will lead you to exactly what you need.”

“How do I know this isn’t a trap?”

“Hello? Read the T-shirt!”

Sure enough, Janeway was wearing a T-shirt that read “I came up with a backup plan in case anything ever happened to Ducane that totally isn’t a trap and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.”

“Good enough for me.”

A few minutes later, and Captain Braxton had managed to convince his senior staff to cram into the Enterprise-Z to go looking for Janeway’s mystery item.

Xaronna punched a few buttons. “I’m tapping into the Federation sensor network. Scanning Evil Frequency 47. Let’s see... Wait, I’ve got something. It’s on some moon that’s not too far from here.”

Braxton, who was having to share a seat with Kes and Yar, shouted, “Set a course!”

Some time later, the Enterprise-Z arrived at the moon. Everyone beamed down to the location of the signal, wearing environmental suits.

Damar whipped out a tricorder and began scanning. “The signal’s coming from this direction.”

Not more than a minute later, they found a small device. Xaronna took a good look at it. “I think it’s some kind of holographic projector.”

Damar pushed a button on it, and it whirred to life. A holographic image of Admiral Janeway blinked into existence. “If you’re watching this recording, Braxton, it means that something’s happened to Ducane and you’re totally unsupervised.”

Yar rolled her eyes. “And what are we, chopped liver?”


“Oh, right.”

“Anyway, to prevent the destruction of the entire space-time continuum, I’ve stowed away a little something that should suffice. There’s only one other person that’s been able to stand you for any length of time besides Ducane, so while you weren’t looking, I stored her program and hid it away here.”

And with that, the image of Janeway vanished and was replaced by an image of... T’Lenol, Braxton’s aide from the holographic simulation concocted by the Progeny!

Braxton’s eyes lit up. “Wow! I can’t believe it! Who are you, again?”

T’Lenol rolled her eyes. “I’m T’Lenol, sir.”

“That’s great, ‘cause I think I’m getting a headache.”

“No, sir. I was from the ‘Desk Jockeys’ two-parter last season.”

“Oh yeah... So you’re my new first officer, and my first holographic crew member!”

The Doctor cleared his throat, but all Braxton said was “You’d better treat that cough of yours, Doctor.”

Several days later, the Relativity was as good as new, Dax’s slug was back in her stomach, and T’Lenol’s program was installed in the ship’s computer.

Braxton lounged back in his chair. “Well, everything’s back to normal and we have no worries.”

T’Lenol responded, “Except for the fact that Ducane is still in a coma, and the Progeny are still out to get you.”

“Yeah, except for that. Xaronna, set a course... for adventure!”

To which Xaronna sarcastically replied, “Yeah, I’ll get right on that.”

UPN Promo:

If the Relativity’s Doctor is originally from Voyager’s backup EMH module, whatever happened to Voyager’s actual EMH?