Episode 26: “The Fire In Which We Burn, Part III” (Season 1 Finale)

Written by “Krenim”

Published March 10, 2001

“Evil Captain’s Evil Log: After several hours in Sickbay, Dr. Frankenstein has successfully removed the Borg implant from my counterpart’s brain. We have returned him to the Excelsior’s engineering section, which just happens to look like the Enterprise-E’s engineering section. Okay, it doesn’t just happen to look like it... It’s the end of the season, and we’re spending all our budget on special effects, so we’re having to reuse old sets. So, just in case you’re wondering why the scene in the last episode where Captain Braxton wakes up is very similar to the scene in Star Trek: First Contact where Data wakes up, that’s why. We just forgot to mention that in the last episode, that’s all.”

Ending the log, Evil Braxton began another tirade of evil laughing. After a while, he stopped and motioned to Rand. “Open a comm channel to the Relativity!”

Rand paused. “Sir? Why are we calling them?”

“Because, unless I miss my guess, they have just about repaired the damage to their ship, and are about to give chase to us again. Therefore, we have to keep them occupied...”

So, Rand complied with Evil Braxton’s wishes...

“First Officer’s Log, Supplemental: After several hours of around-the-clock work, we are about ready to resume our hunt for the Excelsior. I can only hope we’ll get there in time to save Captain Braxton...”

Ducane was about to give the order to follow their adversaries when Dax spoke up. “Sir, we’re receiving a transmission. It’s the Excelsior!”


Evil Braxton’s face appeared on the main viewscreen. “How are you gentlemen? All your base are belong to us!


“Uh... I mean, we have your captain, Ducane! We’ve removed the Borg implant controlling his temporal psychosis and are about to launch him into a black hole!”

“You fiend!”

“Well, at least somebody on your ship can get that response right... Anyway, if you wish to save him, you had better get here soon! Mwahahahaha! Excelsior out.”

Evil Braxton’s face vanished, and Dax checked the sensors. “I have their coordinates, sir!”

“Very well. Set course for the Excelsior, maximum velocity!”

Back in the Excelsior’s engineering section, Captain Braxton woke up. Evil Braxton grinned wickedly. “Good morning, Captain Braxton! Let’s see if you’re back to repeating what everyone says...”

“No, let’s see if I’m back to repeating what everyone says...”

“Hahahaha! I see that you are! Hawk, get a few security guards, throw Captain Braxton into an escape pod, and launch him into the black hole!”

A few minutes later, Braxton was all alone, caught in the black hole’s gravitational field, and not having the best mental health day. “Say... With this whirling disk of gas around this black hole, it kind of looks like a giant fried egg... Mmm, giant fried egg... It’s so giant and fried and egglike...” And with that, he began drooling (but not from hunger).

On the Excelsior’s bridge, Evil Braxton then got together all the temporal weapons of mass destruction and handed them to Valtane. “I want you to rig all of these to detonate all at the same time. Soon, the Federation will be destroyed! Harvey the Wonder Hamster, set a course away from the Relativity! Dark Helmet, take us to ludicrous speed!”

Soon, the Relativity arrived at the black hole, and the Excelsior set up a position just out of range of the Relativity’s weapons.

Ducane turned to Dax. “Scan for Captain Braxton’s lifesigns!”

Valtane put the finishing touches on the superweapon. “Sir, the superweapon is ready to go, but I have no idea what all these weapons will do when they detonate together!”

Evil Braxton got up and activated the device himself. It began counting down. 30... 29... 28...

Dax confirmed the readings on her scanners. “Sir, I’m sorry... Captain Braxton has passed beyond the black hole’s event horizon. There’s no way we can get him back now.”

15... 14... 13...

Valtane suddenly had an intelligent thought. “Sir, are you sure it’s wise to be anywhere near this superweapon when it explodes?”

Evil Braxton ceased his evil laughing. “You know, come to think of it, it’s probably not...”

3... 2... 1... Have a nice day!

To Be Continued...

UPN Promo:

This is where I’d usually tell you a little about what’s going to happen in the next episode, but I’m not going to this time! Instead, I suggest you watch for the Season 2 premiere. Mwahahahaha!