Episode 35: “The Long Arne of the Law”

Written by “Krenim”

Published July 9, 2001

“Captain’s Log: We have been recalled to Starbase 47 to meet with the floating head of Admiral Picard. He apparently has news on another of the temporal fugitives that entered our timeline during the whole Excelsior incident. I have only this to say on the subject: It’s about time! I was beginning to think that whole fugitive thing was a big hoax!”

Captain Braxton and Lt. Ducane stepped into Picard’s office and sat down. Picard seemed relieved to see them. “Gentlemen, you may be the only thing standing between us and galactic armageddon!”

Captain Braxton raised his hand. Picard rolled his eyes. “What is it, Braxton?”

“We’re sitting, sir, not standing.”

“Shut up, Braxton! I want you to take a look at this data...”

One of the viewscreens in the office turned on, revealing what look liked some sort of sensor readings. Picard explained. “This was detected near Nimbus IV. We believe it to be the residual effects of one of the rifts opened by the Excelsior’s shockwave.”

Braxton raised his hand again. “Nimbus IV, sir? What happened to Nimbus III?”

“Never ask about Nimbus III!”

“Sorry, sir.”

“Anyway, there’s even worse news...”

The viewscreen changed to a map of space within 1,000 parsecs of Nimbus IV. A dozen dots were superimposed, roughly in a straight line. “There have been several attacks on Klingon vessels starting shortly after the shockwave. And as you can see, gentlemen, this new fugitive seems to have a destination in mind...”

Ducane’s face went pale. “Qo’noS...”

“Indeed. If whoever is attacking these Klingon vessels reaches Qo’noS, then there’s no telling what could happen. Take the Relativity and track down this newcomer.”

Braxton and Ducane left and began walking back to the Relativity. Braxton began thinking. “The Klingon Empire... Who’s in charge over there now, anyway?”

“Friday the 13th.”

“It’s Tuesday the 27th, Ducane. Don’t you own a watch?”

“No, sir, I meant Friday the 13th is in charge of the Klingon Empire.”

“Where do I know that name from... Wait a minute... You don’t mean...”

“Yes, sir... Mr. Rogers’ sock puppet rules the Klingon Empire!

“Do I even want to know how that came about?”

“No, sir, you don’t.”

Meanwhile, in the heart of Klingon space, a mysterious yet definitely Klingon vessel continued on its course towards Qo’noS. If this wasn’t a text-based series, you’d all be really amazed at this ship, but since it is, you’ll all have to use your imaginations.

On the ship’s dark bridge, the first officer walked onto the bridge. “Okay people, I realize we’re the bad guys for this episode, but can we please get some lights on in here?”

The bridge’s lights were brought online. Two guards walked onto the bridge to stand guard. The first officer announced the captain presence. “Stand for Supreme Chancellor of the Klingon Empire, Arne Darvin!” The small stringy man walked onto the bridge adorned with Klingon armor and a robe. He sat down in the captain’s chair and smiled. “After this day is out, I will rule two Klingon Empires! Open a channel to Qo’noS, you foul-smelling barbarians!”

The helmsman turned around. “Sir, I resent that remark. I enjoy opera and am a gourmet chef. And I don’t smell.”

Darvin whipped out a disruptor and vaporized the helmsman. “Anyone else want to argue with me?”

No one did, so a channel was opened to Qo’noS. Chancellor Friday the 13th appeared onscreen. He was yelling to somebody offscreen. “If you’re so well-versed in the classics, why don’t you know ‘Propel Propel Propel Your Craft’?”

Darvin interrupted. “Listen up, you fool! I’m here to tell you that if you don’t surrender the chancellorship of the empire to me, I’ll destroy Qo’noS!”

“I don’t think so.”

“You don’t think so?”

“Look behind you.”

“You think I’m stupid enough to fall for that trick?”

The Klingon first officer checked the sensors. “Sir, there’s a Starfleet vessel behind us, closing fast!”

“The fools! Our armaments are far superior to theirs!”

“Maybe so, sir, but there are 47 Klingon megawarships headed towards us from the front!”

“Megawarship? What in the heck is a megawarship?”

“A fanboy’s dream come true, sir.”

“Ugh! Open a channel to the Starfleet ship!”

Friday the 13th was replaced by Captain Braxton. Braxton looked shocked. “Arne Darvin?”

“Yes, that is I!”

“I know I say this in practically every episode, but shouldn’t you be dead by now? I mean, you’re over 600 years old!”

“Your point being?”

“Oh, so now we’re not even trying to come up with good ways to explain why people from the 23rd and 24th Centuries are still around?”

“Apparently not.”

“Well, anyway, we have you surrounded! Surrender to us, and you will be allowed to return to your own timeline!”

“You may have me outgunned, but not outclassed! Nameless Klingon first officer, evasive pattern Omicron Theta 9!”

“Isn’t that where Data was from?”

“No, you imbecile!”

After the channel was closed, Captain Braxton began thinking. “How did Arne Darvin get to be the Klingon Chancellor in his timeline?”

Ducane, however, was focused on a completely different problem. “Sir, there’s a build-up of chronokinetic particles around Darvin’s ship. They may be preparing to travel through time!”

“Wait a minute... Arne Darvin traveling through time... Haven’t I seen this episode before?”

“Yes, sir. ‘Trials and Tribble-ations.’”

“Well, so much for having an original plot... Do you think we should lock temporal scanners on them and follow them back through time to stop them?”

“Yes, sir. I think that would be an excellent idea.”

“Very well. Dax, lock temporal scanners...”

Dax interrupted him. “Yeah, yeah... locking scanners and following them back through time. I heard you the first time.”

And so, both Darvin’s flagship and the Relativity leapt into the timestream...

While Darvin’s ship was in transit, the evil little man began preparing to make his next move. “Nameless first officer, prepare to enact Plan B!”

The first officer shrugged. “Sir, you never told me what Plan B is...”

Darvin brought some data up on the main viewscreen. “This is Plan B! The attacks we made on those Klingon vessels were for gathering information. While they weren’t paying attention, I downloaded their databases! Therefore, I have been able to determine where my timeline and this timeline diverge!”

“And where is that, sir?”

“The Sherman’s Planet incident!”

“Oh... So Captain Kirk beat you in this timeline?”

“Well, yeah... But he beat me in my timeline as well! The divergence is that I managed to beat Captain Sisko! I travelled back in time and managed to plant a bomb that killed Kirk! When I got back to my own time, I was chancellor! Now, I will help the Arne Darvin from this timeline do the same!”

“And the two of you will rule two Klingon Empires?”

“Heck no! When we get back to the 29th Century, I’ll kill the other Darvin and take his place!”

“That’s not nice...”

“Well, I am evil. And evil people don’t share! Mwahahahahahaha!”

Meanwhile, Captain Braxton was mulling over his own question. “Ducane, could you explain something for me?”

“I suppose so, sir.”

“Okay, in the original series, Klingons had smooth foreheads, right?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And afterwards, they had bumpy foreheads, right?”

“Right, sir.”

“Now, Darvin was surgically altered to appear human, right?”


“So why did he need surgery in the first place?”

“I have no idea, sir.”

“That’s not good enough, Ducane! I want a good logical answer to my question and I want it now!”

Ducane went over to Sulu’s console, grabbed his cup of tea, and threw it in Braxton’s face.

Braxton blinked for a few seconds, then said, “Thanks, Ducane. I needed that.”

Yar interrupted Braxton’s soaking. “Sir, Darvin’s ship is exiting the timestream!”

Braxton frowned. “Couldn’t he wait until after I’ve dried off? Oh well. Exit the timestream and engage our cloaking device! And somebody get me a towel!”

The ship entered normal space in orbit around a space station. Dax identified it. “Hey, I know this place! This is Deep Space Station K-7, Stardate 4523.3! Darvin must be here to help himself help himself!”

Braxton thought for a second, then responded, “Okay, we’ll all put on those ugly 23rd Century uniforms and go looking for Darvin!”

Ducane shook his head. “We can’t do that, sir. Several of the senior staff would be recognized by either Kirk’s crew or Sisko’s crew.”

“Oh... I see your point. Well, let’s see here... I can go. You can go, Ducane. And Kes can go.”

“Right, sir.”

“But we need one more person for two teams.”

“How about Xaronna?”


“You know... Annorax’s ex-wife.”

“Who’s ex-wife?”

At that point, Ducane had to put all three parts of “The Episodes of Heck” on the viewscreen to jog Braxton’s memory.

A look of recognition finally passed over Braxton’s face. “Oh... That Xaronna...”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, okay. Never let it be said I stood in the way of continuity.”

Ducane whipped out a tape recorder and whispered into it. “Note to self: Erase part about Braxton standing in the way of continuity from report.”

Meanwhile, the 29th Century Arne Darvin and his nameless first officer had gotten into the quadrotriticale storage bin that the 24th Century Arne Darvin had placed a tribble-bomb in to kill Kirk and thus make the 23rd Century’s Arne Darvin’s mission a success. Darvin whipped out a little device. “This will seal the fates of both Kirk and Sisko! Mwahahahaha!”

The first officer squinted at what Darvin was holding. “What is it?”

“It’s a scan deflector!”

“What does it do?”

“What do you mean ‘What does it do?’ It’s a scan deflector! It deflects scans!”

“Oh... Well, what are you going to do with it?”

“I’m going to place it on the tribble-bomb so Sisko can’t identify it and beam it out into space! It will then explode, killing both Kirk and Sisko!”

“Okay... So, which one of these is the tribble-bomb?”


“Well, don’t we need to find the tribble-bomb to place the scan deflector on it?”

And with that, the fatal flaw in Darvin’s evil plan was exposed, and the two began scanning tribble by tribble for the tribble-bomb...

Kes and Xaronna, wearing TOS uniforms, were walking down K-7’s corridors using Kes’ nearly-omnipotent powers to scan for the 29th Century Darvin. Kes finally locked onto him. “I think he’s in that direction! Let’s go!”

“Well, okay. Let’s take our time, though.”


“Because I’m only a recurring guest star. Who knows how long it’ll be until I show up again, so let’s drag out my scenes as much as possible.”

“I’ve got a better idea. Let’s hurry up and catch Darvin. That way, we’ll cheat those screen-hogs Braxton and Ducane out of at least one of their plethora of scenes.”

“Ooh... I like that! Let’s go!”

Soon, the duo arrived at the quadrotriticale bins. Kes, however, couldn’t lock onto exactly which bin Darvin was in. Xaronna thought for a second, then put one of her ears against the bulkhead. She then pointed at one of the bins.

“They’re in that one!”

“How do you know that?”

“Do you not remember what tribbles do around Klingons?”

“I’m from the Delta Quadrant. I barely know what a tribble is, let alone what they do!”

“Well, I’m from the Delta Quadrant too, and I know what they do! Anyway, they have squeaking fits when around Klingons. And I’m hearing some squeaking coming from that bin.”

So, the two opened the door, and Darvin and his nameless first officer fell to the ground on top of a bunch of tribbles. Kes and Xaronna whipped out their phasers, thus ending Darvin’s evil plan...

“Captain’s Log, Supplemental. After capturing Darvin, he surrendered his ship to us, and we tractored it back to the 29th Century. However, I’m not quite sure what we’re supposed to do now...”

The floating disembodied head of Admiral Picard appeared on the Relativity’s viewscreen. “What do you want, Braxton?”

Braxton grinned. “I captured the temporal fugitive, Arne Darvin, sir!”

Kes objected. “Xaronna and I captured Darvin!”

Braxton rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Anyway, now that we’ve got him, what do we do with him?”

Picard said, “Send him and his ship back to his own timeline.”

“I knew that, but how?”

“You use the chronometric singularity generator!”

“We have one of those?”

“Yes, it was installed between episodes.”

“Oh... Ducane, open a chronometric singularity and shove Darvin’s ship through it!”

And so, Arne Darvin, his nameless first officer, his entire crew, and his ship were sucked through space-time back to their own universe, ending yet another wacky adventure for the Relativity crew...

UPN Promo:

Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, we will either see Sol’s episode, or the Relativity crew will go toe-to-toe with a familiar face from Bajor’s past!