Episode 39: “A Whale of a Time”

Written by “Krenim”

Published September 19, 2001

In the city of Paris, the Federation President was meeting with the disembodied head of Admiral Picard. Picard was ranting his head off, which was rather remarkable, considering he only had a head. “I’m telling you, sir, if I have to listen to another one of Braxton’s inane ramblings, I’m going to do something desperate!”

“Like what?”

“I haven’t figured that out yet. Being a disembodied floating head, there’s not really that much I can do except float and, uh, be disembodied.”

“Well, I suppose I could fire Braxton for you...”


“Well, okay.”

Just then, the President’s secretary walked in. “Sir, there’s a transmission coming in for you from a mysterious alien vessel that just appeared in Earth orbit. Shall I patch it through for you?”

“A mysterious alien vessel, eh? Okay, patch it through.”

The secretary punched a few buttons on her PADD. “Okay, sir.”

The President activated his comm system. “This is the Federation President. How may I help you?”


All of a sudden, everything in the President’s office shut down. The President slammed his fist on his desk. “I knew I shouldn’t have hired those Yridian contractors to redo my office! They’re going to hear from my lawyer!”

Picard rolled his eyes. “Sir, I think it was that alien transmission that shut everything down.”

“Really? I’ve said ‘Wee Wah’ before, and nothing shut down.”

“When the heck did you ever need to say... Never mind. I think these are the same guys who sent that probe in Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home. It’s the same signal that shut everything down then.”

“Well then, we don’t have a problem. We still have a couple of humpback whales around. They’ll simply tell the probe to go home.”

Meanwhile, the following conversation was going on between the alien ship and the humpback whales...

Ship: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (Translation: “So, how are you guys doing?”)

Whales: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (Translation: “Not well.")


Whales: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (Translation: “Yeah. We’ve never gotten any residuals from being in Star Trek IV! Those cheapskate humans just take us for granted!")

Ship: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (Translation: “So, you want us to just keep broadcasting so human technology will stop working?”)

Whales: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (Translation: “If it wouldn’t be much trouble...")

Ship: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (Translation: “No trouble at all...")

Several light-years away, Captain Braxton stormed into Engineering. “Where is Damar?!?! I’ve been calling for him for hours now, and he hasn’t responded!”

Xaronna, who was working on something, tried to calm Braxton down. “Sir, he’s not here.”

“Then where is he?!?!”

“Don’t you remember, sir?”

“Remember what?”

“You sent him to AAA following that incident a few episodes ago.”

“Uh... Yeah, I remember... Heh heh. Carry on.”

And with that, a completely embarrassed Braxton fled Engineering and headed back to the bridge. No sooner had Braxton sat down in the captain’s chair when the ship went to red alert. Dax went pale. “Sir, there’s an incoming Priority One distress signal... from Earth!”

“Remind me what that is again, Dax.”

“A Priority One distress signal is the highest level alert that...”

“No, not that! What’s Earth?”

Ducane took out a sledge hammer and knocked Braxton out with it. Everyone on the bridge cheered. Ducane, however, was dead serious. “This is far too dire for him to be in charge. Dax, put the transmission onscreen!”

A horribly blurred image appeared onscreen. It was the Federation President with Admiral Picard in the background. The President spoke. “Centuries ago, an alien probe looking for whales nearly destroyed Earth. Now, an alien ship that appears to have the same origins as that probe has assumed orbit around the planet, and the whales are refusing to send it away on the grounds that they weren’t paid for their roles in Star Trek IV. Unfortunately, they don’t realize that the Federation doesn’t use money anymore! Planetary power reserves are failing. All starships are to avoid Earth at all costs, because their power will be drained and they will crash in a fiery cataclysm.”

Picard added from the background, “Except for Captain Braxton! Captain Braxton can come to Earth! Heh heh heh...”

The transmission ended. Ducane turned to the rest of the crew. “Okay, we have to save Earth. Are there any suggestions as to how we could do that?”

Dax answered. “Well, I could calculate a trajectory using Earth’s gravitational field that, once we lose power, would slam us into their ship. It would save Earth, but it would kill all of us.”

Ducane thought about it for a second. “Well, I don’t know about all of you, but I’d prefer to live through this.”

Kes was next with an idea. “I’ve got nearly omnipotent powers! I might be able to stop it!”

“Okay, let’s try the deus ex machina approach.”

Kes stood up and started concentrating. A few seconds later, she slumped back into her chair. “No good. My power dissolves once it gets near that ship.”

Yar finally suggested something. “We could still try and pay the whales to send the ship away. The Federation may not use money anymore, but others do. We could get some latinum or something.”

Ducane nodded. “That’s a good idea, Yar, but none of us have any money. We don’t actually get paid, remember? Do we know anybody who’s filthy stinking rich?”

“Captain’s Log: I have finally regained consciousness after being hit in the head with a sledge hammer by Lt. Ducane. Apparently, there was a large rodent on my head at the time. It’s a good thing Ducane had that sledge hammer, or the rodent would have gotten away. Anyway, Ducane filled me in on the emergency, and we are now on our way to a rendezvous with the only filthy stinking rich guy we know...”

The Relativity pulled alongside a huge purple warship. Dax opened a channel to the warship. Braxton stood up and faced the viewscreen. “Okay, I know you’re in there! You’d better not ignore me!”

The image of space was replaced with an image of Galvatron. “You guys? Hey, I haven’t done anything illegal since being released! You’ve got nothing on me!”

“We’re not here to arrest you, Galvatron.”

“Excellent! Bwahahahaha! Well then, what do you want?”

“We need a lot of money really fast, and we heard you made a bundle being the spokesman for that company.”

“Yeah, I’m rolling in money! This is the Nemesis-A, a custom-built starship I bought! It’s got hyperwarp drive, nano-ablative armor, transphasic torpedoes, Type-XVII phasers, and a partridge in a pear tree! I literally have a partridge in pear tree! But why should I give you guys any money?”

“We spent the greater part of an entire season chasing you and the rest of the Excelsior goons around. You owe us.”

“Speaking of the Excelsior crew, I heard they’re stuck in the Babylon 5 universe. Is that true?”


“Those poor saps. Of course, they deserve it for abandoning me during their jailbreak! Bwahahahaha!”

“Are you going to give us the money or not?”

“Fine, I’ll give you the money. But I expect a certain favor in exchange...”

“Like what?”

“I’ll tell you later. Do we have a deal?”

“We have a deal.”

“Excellent! Bwahahahahaha!”

Seconds later, a huge pile of gold-pressed latinum was beamed onto the Relativity bridge, and the crew set a course for Earth...

Meanwhile, back on Earth, the Federation President and Admiral Picard were playing poker waiting for the end of the world. The President took a few cards. “Okay, Picard, how many cards do you want?”

“How should I know? I’m a floating head! I can’t pick up my cards to look at them!”

The President picked up Picard’s cards. “Okay, you have a 4, a 7, a Jack, and two Kings.”

“You’re not supposed to look at my cards, you idiot!”


“You know, if I didn’t need you to fire Braxton for me, and if I had a body, you would so be in trouble...”

The President’s secretary came in. “Sir, we’re receiving a transmission. I think it’s the Relativity for you.”

Picard grinned evilly. “Yes! Crash and burn, Braxton, crash and burn!”

The President switched on a monitor. A blurry image of Captain Braxton appeared. “This is Captain Braxton of the Timeship Relativity. We are en route to Earth to pay the whales their money.”

The President was relieved. “Well, it looks as though Braxton may save us all...”

Picard rolled his eyes. “This is Braxton we’re talking about here, sir. He’s not going to save us.”

“What makes you so sure of that?”

“Because the second that ship drops out of hyperwarp in Earth orbit, it will lose power and crash.”

“We’re doomed.”

“Yeah, but at least Braxton will probably go before me!”

The Relativity dropped out of hyperwarp. All the lights instantly went out. Ducane sighed. “Sir, I told you we should have contacted the whales before coming to Earth...”

“Well, we could contact them now and have them shut down the transmission, couldn’t we?”

“No, sir. There’s no power to anything, including communications.”

“Nonsense, Ducane. If there was really no power to anything, this ship would be dropping like a rock right now.”

Sulu turned around and yelled, “Sir, this ship is dropping like a rock right now!”

“Oh... I see your point. Is there anything we can do, Ducane?”

“I suggest we panic, sir.”

“Very well. Aaaaaaaaaaah!

The Relativity crew began running about screaming, but all fell down because they couldn’t see in the dark. The ship entered the atmosphere, and finally hit the ocean. However, instead of slamming into the water, the ship’s design allowed it to dive into it without damage.

Braxton cheered. “Well, I guess this ugly ship design has a use after all!”

Dax called out, “Sir, if my calculations are correct, we’ve dove into the ocean at the exact place where the whales have been living!”

“How did you figure that out with the computers down and the lights out?”

“I have two brains, sir, remember?”

“Uh, yeah... I remember... Anyway, somebody shove all this latinum out an airlock!”

And so, with the whales finally paid, the alien ship ended its transmission. The Relativity, with power restored, was able to rise up out of the ocean and resume orbit. The Federation President called Braxton and his crew down to his Paris office. Inside were the President and Picard. Picard laughed. “This is finally where you get yours, Braxton! You’ll be gone and I’ll be free! Hahahahahaha!”

The President turned to Picard. “Fire him? I can’t fire him! He just saved the entire planet!”

Picard began sobbing. “Nooooooooo! I was so close... So close...”

Braxton interrupted Picard’s whining. “Mr. President, there’s just one little thing left to take care of.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“Galvatron finally told me what he wanted as a favor.”

“And what is this favor?”

“He wants Robots in Disguise forever banned throughout the Federation. He apparently finds it an insult to all Transformers.”

“No problem. I don’t like that show either.”

With everything wrapped up, the crew beamed back up to the ship and headed back out into space...

UPN Promo:

Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, Captain Braxton finally gets his chance to get even with his arch-enemy!