Episode 53: “...But What We Make” (Season 3 Premiere)

Written by “Krenim”

Published March 26, 2002

Previously, on Star Trek: Series ?, our protagonists had finally arrived back at Starbase 47. While the evil ex-crew of the formerly evil Excelsior were dragged back to the Federation Maximum Security Prison after a run-in with their old buddy Galvatron, the disembodied head of Admiral Picard began making plans for the future. Unfortunately, none of those plans involved looking for the Plah D’Viz, so Captain Braxton resigned from Starfleet to hunt for the artifact himself. And now, the conclusion. Or the continuation. Anyway, it’s the stuff that happens next. So enjoy. Or don’t.

“Log: Well, seeing how I’m not in Starfleet anymore, I’m not a captain, so I can’t do a Captain’s Log. It’s just a Log now. You know, the kind that rolls down stairs alone or in pairs. Anyway, it’s been three grueling months since I resigned...”

“Actually, sir, it’s only been three seconds. I’m standing in the doorway to the turbolift to keep it from closing.”

“Ducane! Why must you always ruin my dramatic speeches?”

“Because they make no sense.”

“Oh. Well, why’d you stop me from leaving?”

“Because we want to help you search for the Plah D’Viz.”

“You do? Why?”

“Because you’re our captain and we *giggle* respect you *chuckle* and... Hahahahahaha! I just can’t say it! It’s too funny!”

“Shut up, Ducane! Why do you all want to help me, really?”

“Well, we have to kill time between now and when the evil ex-crew of the formerly evil Excelsior inevitably escape yet again.”

“Good enough.”

Admiral Picard shouted from the cart his disembodied head was on. “Not so fast, Ducane! As long as you’re in Starfleet, you’re not going anywhere with Braxton!”

“Oh yes we are.”

“Let me guess... You’re all quitting too?”

“Heck no! We’re not complete idiots! No offense, sir.”

Braxton, however, wasn’t paying attention, as he had become quite enthralled by the blinking lights on the turbolift’s control panel.

Picard chuckled. “Well then, Mr. Ducane, how exactly do you expect to get me to let all of you follow Ex-Captain Easily-Distracted-By-Shiny-Things over there?”

Ducane poked Braxton to get his attention. “Tell me, sir, how exactly do you intend to go look for the Plah D’Viz?”

“Well, I guess I’d have to get a ship...”

“Do you have any idea how to get a ship?”

“No, not really...”

“So, you’d just be hanging around Starbase 47 for an indefinite amount of time?”

“I suppose so.”

“With Admiral Picard?”

“I guess. Hey, I can come visit him every day!”

A horrified expression came over Picard’s face. “Every day? every day?!?! No! Anything but that! Anything but that! Fine, you can all accompany him!”

“And we’re taking the Excelsior.”

“Absolutely not! That ship needs to be prepared to go back to the 23rd Century. You can take Sulu until the ship is ready, but you can’t take the ship!”

“Well, I guess we could all come visit you every day...”

“Fine! Take the ship! I’d rather disrupt the entire timeline than have you people here driving me crazy!”

Ducane grinned micheveously. “Thank you, sir...”

Meanwhile, deep within the Federation Maximum Security Prison, the evil ex-crew of the formerly evil Excelsior were being put back in their cells.

One of the guards pushed a button, opening up several of the cells on the block. “Okay, you scum, get in your cells!”

Rand looked around. “Hey... These are the same cells we were in back in Season 1! What gives?”

The guard pointed up at a sign on the wall. Valtane read it out loud. “This cell block is reserved for Series ? villains only.”

Dukat pointed and frowned. “Hey! There’s somebody in my cell!”

Valtane rolled his eyes. “Sure, Dukat, sure... Let me guess, somebody ate your porridge too?”

“No, really! Somebody’s in my cell!”

Dukat went storming over to his cell. “Hey, you! Get off of my cloud! I mean... Get out of my cell!”

Admiral Janeway, who (of course) was the person in Dukat’s cell, gave her patented death glare to the Cardassian. “I don’t see your name on it.”

Dukat pointed at the wall. “It’s right there!”

Sure enough, “Elmo’s Cell” was scribbled in large letters on the cell wall. Janeway said, “Oh... You’re Elmo? I was expecting one of those freaky Muppet things...”

Yoda scowled. “Being Muppet what is wrong with?”

Janeway moved to the cell across the hallway, which had yet to be occupied. The cell doors closed, locking everyone in.

Rand, who was in the cell next to Janeway, began questioning the admiral. “So, what did you do to Braxton?”

“I didn’t do anything to Braxton.”

Rand pointed back up to the sign. “You must have done something to him, otherwise you wouldn’t be in this cell block.”

“I didn’t do anything to him! He’s been doing stuff to me! First, he tries to blow up my ship. I fight back, he gets thrown to 20th Century Earth for a few decades. Then, a few years later, he tries to blow up my ship again for revenge. Then, during the Voyager series finale, he shows up and arrests me for breaking the Temporal Prime Directive!”

“Hey, I saw the Voyager series finale.”


“Yeah, it stunk. You guys totally ruined the Borg.”

“Well, what is done is done. Now... Who are you guys?”

“We are the evil ex-crew of the formerly evil Excelsior.”

“That’s a mouthful.”

“Tell me about it. We’re this show’s primary villains.”

“Well, I take it you guys have been here before. Got anything to pass the time?”

“We could sing the Rand and Valtane theme song.”

“The what?”

“The Rand and Valtane theme song. I’m Rand, and that guy over there is Valtane.”

Valtane waved with a dopey smile on his face.

Janeway asked, “You guys have your own theme song? I spent seven years on Voyager, and I never got a theme song! You are so lucky! How’s it go?”

Everyone but Janeway, Rand, and Valtane was frantically motioning to Janeway, shaking their heads and mouthing the word “no” desperately. However, it was to no avail...

They’re Rand and Valtane!

They’re Rand and Valtane!

One once got fired,
The other’s a pain!

They’re traveling through time,
Soon we’ll end this stupid rhyme!

They’re Rand, they’re Rand and Valtane, Valtane, Valtane, Valtane, Valtane!

A little while later, the-former-crew-of-the-Relativity-but-now-apparently-the-crew-of-the-Excelsior-for-the-time-being (That really is a mouthful...) took their seats on the Excelsior’s bridge. Braxton, however, looked completely confused. Ducane asked, “What’s wrong, sir?”

“Well, I just don’t get it, Ducane. I want to go look for the Plot Device or whatever it’s called, and I have to quit my job to do so. You all want to help me look for it, and you not only don’t have to quit, but you get to use this ship.”

“That’s because we’re all smart and you’re stupid.”

“Well, that’s nice and all, but how am I going to get back into Starfleet when this is all over?”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got something up my sleeve...”

Braxton grabbed Ducane’s arm. “Really? Let me see!”

“Figuratively! I’ve figuratively got something up my sleeve!”


Sulu stood up to address the crew. “Okay, people... Our mission is to find the Plah D’Viz so that Braxton over here can avoid becoming an evil villain. However, there’s something I want all of you to remember: I am the captain!

While Sulu went into another one of his tirades, Ducane whispered to Braxton, “I think the first place we should start looking is Memory Alpha. It’s the Federation’s largest database. If any of our ships ever encountered the Plah D’Viz, it’ll be noted there.”

“That sounds like a good idea. When can we get going?”

“As soon as Sulu stops ranting. After all, he’s the only one that can fly a starship...”

UPN Promo:

Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, the crew begin their search for the Plah D’Viz at the Federation’s greatest database, but evil aliens are out to stop them!