Episode 58: “Lachesis” (Part 2 of 3)

Written by “Krenim”

Published April 24, 2002

“Captain’s Log: The crew is on edge. We are awaiting Braxton’s return from the Plah D’Viz, while looking out for any Happy Fun Dominion ships that may be looking for us. Really suspenseful, huh?”

Several of the senior staff were sitting in a circle playing poker to pass the time. Everyone playing looked exasperated, except for Kes, who had a gigantic pile of poker chips in front of her. Ducane shot Kes a suspicious look. “You’re not using your nearly omnipotent powers to win, are you?”

Moi? Never. What makes you ask?”

“Well, I had four aces in that last hand, and I still lost.”

Sulu, observing the situation, decided to tip the scales back in favor of Ducane. “Okay, Kes, you’ve proven you’re a great poker player, but I know one game you can’t win at.”

Kes smirked. “Oh really? And what would that be?”


Ducane looked puzzled for a moment. “But sir, there is no such game as... Ooooooh... Right... Fizzbin!”

Suddenly, the ship went to red alert. Yar, who was not participating in the card game, shouted, “I’ve picked up a Happy Fun Dominion warship on long-range sensors. It will intercept us in 47 minutes. Wait a minute... There are three ships. Five ships. Forty-seven ships!”

Sulu sighed. “I’m really beginning to hate that number... I want shields raised, weapons charged, and everyone at battle stations! Actually, since they’re not going to be here for 47 minutes, you can all slack off for another 46 minutes. But then I want shields raised, weapons charged, and everyone at battle stations!”

At the same time, Weyoun 47 and the Female Changeling were getting their own sensor readings. Weyoun pointed to the screen in front of him. “We’ve found the Federation vessel, Founder. It’s orbiting this big rock out in the middle of nowhere.”

The Founder looked at the readings. “You idiot! That’s not a rock! A rock doesn’t have smooth sides and circuitry and stuff!”

“Then what is it, Founder?”

“Well, it’s obviously some sort of device, and it seems to be central to their Federation plot. Therefore... It must be a plot device! Weyoun, why wasn’t this thing on our star charts?”

“It is, Founder. See?”

Weyoun pointed at a map. The Founder went over and looked at it. “I don’t see it.”

“It’s in really small print.”

The Founder squinted. “Oh, here it is. It’s labeled as ‘Big Rock in the Middle of Nowhere.’ Who’s the idiot who discovered this thing and thought it was a rock?”

“Uh... That would be me.”


“Yes, I’m an amateur astronomer.”

“I’ve had it with you, Weyoun!” The Founder looked to the Jem’Hadar dressed in flowery print. “I want him shot now!”

The Jem’Hadar vaporized Weyoun. The Founder smiled for a minute, then ordered for the next Weyoun clone to be brought to her.

Also at the same time, Braxton was still standing around in the dark waiting for the next ghost to show up. Suddenly, the ghost appeared. “I am the Ghost of Christmas Presents!”

Braxton pointed to his watch. “You’re late. You were supposed to be here at 3:01. It’s 3:02!”

“I’m sorry, I was wrapping this for you.”

The Ghost handed Braxton a large festive-looking box with the words “Do Not Open Until X-Mas” printed on the side. Braxton looked curiously at the box. “For me?”

“Yeah, for you. After all, I am the Ghost of Christmas Presents.”

“Christmas Presents? Plural? Aren’t you supposed to be the Ghost of Christmas Present? Singular?”

“Does it really matter?”

“I suppose not.”

“Anyway, we have arrived at the point in the story where the Braxton Bunch arrived.”

Braxton scowled. “Those three...”

The Ghost waved his hand, and Old Captain Braxton, Young Psycho Braxton, and Old Psycho Braxton appeared out of the darkness. “Do you know how they came to be in your brig?”

“Uh... Not really. They were just sort of there when the series started.”

“They were from the future.”

“Yeah, I know that much. Why else would I be here?”

“They were specifically the three future versions of you that were arrested in the Voyager episode ‘Relativity.’”

“Wait a minute... I know I’m the least likely person to be an expert on making sense, but that makes no sense...”

“You’re right, in a way. Let me show you why...”

The Ghost waved his hand again. This time, they were on the bridge of the Relativity. The Braxton Bunch was standing handcuffed on the temporal transporter, while Ducane was working the controls. The Ghost explained. “The Braxton Bunch had been captured, but Lt. Ducane, not being privy to the sorts of protocols involved in having three different versions of his commanding officer arrested, had no idea what to do with them. With no other timeship captains in the area to take charge of the situation, Ducane sent them back in time to when you were still the captain, hoping you’d know what to do.”

“And I knew exactly what to do with them.”

“Actually, being a moron, you just stuck them in the brig and forgot about them for a while.”

“Oh.” Braxton thought for a few seconds. “But that still doesn’t make sense.”

“I know it doesn’t. You see, Evil Braxton, the amalgam of all three members of the Braxton Bunch, told you that history was going exactly the way he remembered it. But how could history be going that way if the Braxton Bunch was from a future Relativity?”

“I’ll bet that jerk was lying! He did that a lot, you know...”

“No, he wasn’t lying.”

“He wasn’t?”

“He wasn’t. Let me explain. The Braxton Bunch from ‘Relativity’ were sent back in time by Ducane. This, of course, altered history, as they escaped from your brig and caused general mayhem and chaos. Their actions ultimately led to your insanity, and you tried to blow up Voyager, you were captured in three different timeframes, sent back in time by Ducane, ad infinitum. Each time Ducane sent the Braxton Bunch back in time, history changed less, stabilizing into the time loop you are trying to break. But merely willing the loop to end will do no good, as you’ve tried to change the loop in exactly the same way each time. But trying to change the loop became part of the loop itself. Q, by telling you of the existance of the Plah D’Viz, bent the loop enough to give you a chance to break it, but if you had failed to find this place, the loop would still have proceeded. Is this making any sense to you?”

“Sort of.”

“Good enough.”

Meanwhile, 45 minutes had passed. Ducane was quite exasperated at this point. Despite making up rules that would surely have allowed him to win every hand, Kes was still winning. He finally stood up and shouted, “Kes, you are cheating!”

“I am not cheating.”

“Yes, you are! I’ve been fooling you this whole time with this Fizzbin game. There is no such game as Fizzbin! No matter what rules I made up to make you lose and me win, you keeping winning!”

“Okay, fine, I admit it! I was cheating! But you would do the same thing if you had nearly omnipotent powers!”

Sulu interrupted the shouting. “Time’s up! Everyone to battle stations!”

On the bridge of the lead Happy Fun Dominion ship, the Female Changeling was still awaiting the next Weyoun clone. Finally, the turbolift doors opened, and one of the Jem’Hadar stepped out. The Founder looked about, but saw no Weyoun. “Where’s Weyoun 48?”

The Jem’Hadar nervously answered, “Well, it’s like this... We hadn’t finished growing the next Weyoun clone when you ordered it activated. So, it’s not fully grown...”

“How not fully grown?”

A three foot tall Weyoun ran out of the turbolift. “How may I serve you, Founder?”

The Founder banged her head against the wall in disgust. “Why do these things always happen to me?” She turned back to the Weyoun clone. “Fine, I guess this will do. From now on, you will be called... Mini-Weyoun!

The Excelsior had powered up its weapons and shields by the time the Happy Fun Dominion fleet had dropped out of hyperwarp. The Founder’s face came onscreen. “Federation vessel, you are trespassing in the Happy Fun Dominion! Surrender at once!”

Sulu scoffed. “I think not.”

This response infuriated the Founder. “I’m warning you... Do not taunt the Happy Fun Dominion!

The fleet opened fire on the Excelsior...

Back in the Plah D’Viz, Braxton was trying to absorb all the information revealed to him when the entire place started to shake. “What’s that?”

The Ghost of Christmas Presents closed his eyes. After a few second, he waved his hand, and they could see what was going on outside. “It seems your friends are under attack. Some of the torpedoes accidentally hit us.”

“Is the Plah D’Viz damaged?”

“No, the shielding is quite powerful.”

“I wish I could do something to help my crew...”

“Well, I suppose you could open your present early...”

Braxton looked down at the present that was still in his hand. “This thing? Well, okay...” He opened up the package. Nothing was inside, but something started to happen...

Outside, the Excelsior was getting hammered. All of a sudden, a beam shot out from the Plah D’Viz. It started cutting into the Dominion fleet, blowing up all the ships except for the lead one.

The Founder was infuriated. “I’ll get you all for this! I’ll be back!”

And with that, the last ship made a hasty retreat...

Braxton let out a sigh of relief. “Thanks.”

The Ghost smiled. “Not a problem. Besides if your crew had lost, who knows what the Dominion would have done with this technology...”

The Ghost stopped smiling. “My time is up, Braxton. The last ghost will be here in a minute or two...”

To Be Continued...

UPN Promo:

Next time on Star Trek: Series ?, as the Founder prepares to destroy the Excelsior once and for all, Braxton’s final fate is decided!