Episode 62: “Everything is Shipshape”

Written by “Krenim”

Published June 19, 2002

A very battered and bruised Damar managed to drag himself into the room that was being used as a makeshift classroom for the Relativity’s children. Miss Nova, the teacher, was inside going over tomorrow’s lesson plans when she noticed the chief engineer. “Oh my goodness... Damar, what happened to you?”

Damar slumped into a desk. “It’s a very long story, but I think it’s one your students would love to hear.”

“If this is another one of your lame stories, Damar...”

“This is far from lame, Miss Nova. Listen up.”

About a week earlier, Dax and Damar were in a shuttlepod inspecting the nearly-completed Relativity-H. Dax whistled as she looked out the window at the new ship. “This is going to be a nice ship, Damar.”

“Nice enough to get me invited to speak at the ship’s school?”

“Not that nice.”


“But if it does what it was designed to do, then I think you just may have a shot...”

“Oh, it’ll do what it was designed for and more. We’re going to hunt down those evil Excelsior nitwits and drag them back kicking and screaming.”

“I’ve been thinking about that too. I don’t think they so much escaped as they were kidnapped.”


“Yeah. They couldn’t possibly have gotten out on their own. They’re too stupid for that.”

“They escaped once before...”

“Yeah, but escaping while Captain Braxton’s on watch doesn’t count. The Excelsior crew’s combined IQ of 1 still beats Captain Braxton’s IQ of 0.”

“True. But someone else could have broken them out.”

“Who? No one would want to break them out of prison. Except for maybe Galvatron, and that’s only so he could pummel them all personally.”

“Okay, that makes sense. But who would have anything to gain by kidnapping the Excelsior crew?”

That train of thought was cut short when Xaronna’s voice came over the comm. “Xaronna to Damar.”

Damar tapped his communicator. “What is it, Ensign?”

“We have a major problem in the Relativity’s Engineering section. You’d better get over here.”

Several minutes later, Damar walked into the Relativity’s Engineering section. It was still quite incomplete, but as with most of the ship, at least life support was working. “What is going on in here?”

Xaronna pointed to a smoldering heap of twisted metal and circuitry. Tasha Yar was standing next to it, looking very sorry.

Damar shook his head in disgust. “Please, Yar, tell me you did not just fry that.”

“I am so sorry...”

“What happened?”

Xaronna explained. “We were busy moving in the new computer core when Lt. Likes-to-blow-things-up brings in one of the new paradox torpedoes to show us. Unfortunately, she armed the stupid thing and then panicked. She threw it into the computer core and blew it up.”

Damar started shouting. “Do you realize what this means?”

“That we have to get another computer core?”

“Yes, but there aren’t any more computer cores like that! There were only so many of them built because of the rare components needed! And we needed such a powerful computer core to control all the state-of-the-art systems!”

“So... Is there anyway we can find these components?”

“Maybe... Maybe...”

Several hours later, Damar, Yar, and Xaronna were in the Enterprise-Z heading off into space. Yar was pouting. “Why do I have to come along?”

Damar shot her a nasty glance. “Because you blew up the computer core!”

“Oh yeah... So where are we going?”

“To go get us another computer core.”

“I thought you said there weren’t any others!”

“Well, one of them was stolen. If we can get it back, we’ll be in business.”

“Who stole it?”

“The Breen.”

“The Breen? Those guys in the refrigeration suits?”

“Actually, those aren’t refrigeration suits. The Breen homeworld is actually quite warm.”

“So why the suits?”

“The planet is so hot that everything on it sweats like crazy and thus has really bad body odor. The suits keep them all from all from knocking each other out with their stench.”

“Eew. That was more than I needed to know.”

Meanwhile, on Breen Prime, the Breen were setting up the computer core. They were speaking in their metallic grinding noise of a language, but thanks to this story being in text, I can just translate it really easily.

“Is this computer core almost ready?”

“Yes! Soon we will achieve the dream all Breen have dreamed!”

“To rule the Alpha Quadrant?”

“No! With this computer core, we can activate the giant fan that will blow the stink off our planet!”

“Oh, right. But what if the Federation comes looking for their computer core?”

“Then we apologize for taking their computer core but explain it was for a very good cause. If they really want it back, we give it back to them.”

“We do? I thought we were the villains for this episode.”

“Well, yeah, but you remember last time we fought the Federation?”

“Good point.”

After a while, the Enterprise-Z reached Breen Prime. Quite a few Breen ships were in orbit to meet them. A message came over the comm system. “Greetings, Federation vessel. If you’ve come looking for your computer core, we’re very sorry we took it, but we really really need it. If you wouldn’t mind waiting about a day, we’ll gladly return it to you.”

Of course, all Damar, Xaronna, and Yar heard was that annoying metallic sound. Yar said, “I’ll bet they’re threatening us! I’m launching all weapons!”

And so, the Enterprise-Z destroyed all the Breen ships. Xaronna thought for a second. “Wasn’t that just a little too easy? I mean, if they were threatening us, wouldn’t they have fought back or something?”

“You know the Romulan saying? ‘Never turn your back on a Breen?’”

“Since when do we care what the Romulans say?”

“Uh... Shut up, Ensign!”

Meanwhile, back at the computer core, the Breen were panicking.

“They just blew up a whole bunch of our ships!”

“You know, we probably wouldn’t be having this problem if we had somebody who knew at least one Federation language.”

“Don’t look at me! I’m not the one who diverted all our ‘Learn Another Language in an Attempt to Communicate With Our Neighbors’ budget to the ‘Build a Giant Fan’ budget!”

All of a sudden, the three Starfleet crew members beamed down next to the computer core. They all immediately began coughing horribly. Damar shouted “Eew! This planet smells horrible!”

The two Breen looked at them. “Do you think we give them a breathing filter?”

“I don’t know about you, but I’m not going anywhere near those Federation wackos!”

And with that, they ran off.

Xaronna attached a transporter beacon to the computer core and they beamed it and themselves back to the Enterprise-Z.

Miss Nova nodded. “Okay, that’s an interesting story, Damar. But just one question: If getting the computer core was so easy, why are you in such bad shape?”

“Oh, I fell down a flight of stairs on the way over here.”



“Get out of here.”


UPN Promo:

First, they tried to alter history...
Then they were captured...
Then they escaped...
Then they tried to blow up the galaxy...
Then they got sucked into another universe...
Then they came back and almost destroyed the galaxy in the process...
Then they were captured again...
Then they were kidnapped...
But with some new friends...
Will the Excelsior crew finally achieve their goal of total destruction?

Prepare for the two-parter that will change everything:

Episodes 63 & 64: “Yggdrasil”