Episode 69: “Villain Worship”

Written by “Krenim”

Published September 22, 2002

No hamsters were harmed in the writing of this episode.

“Evil Admiral’s Evil Log: The crew is kind of down after being handed several defeats by the Relativity. If this was Voyager, I know Mr. Neelix would be planning some sort of party to lift spirits... Thank goodness this isn’t Voyager!”

As Janeway ended her log entry, the bridge’s turbolift opened. Janice Rand ran out with a PADD in her hand, completely out of breath. Janeway looked at her communications officer. “What’s wrong with you?”

Still being out of breath, Rand waved the PADD around. Valtane took it from her and read what was on it. A huge evil grin lit his face. “We finally did it!”

Janeway was not happy about being left in the dark. “We did what?”

“We’ve been nominated for a Villie Award!”

Everybody except for Janeway evilly cheered. Janeway, however, was still confused. “A what?”

“A Villie Award! They’re given out yearly to all the best villains!”

“Really? What category?”

“Hold on. Let me see...”

Valtane continued to read the PADD. “Here we go... We’ve been nominated for ‘Best Recurring Villains in a Text-Based Star Trek Parody Series!’”

Janeway rolled her eyes and responded sarcastically, “Gee, like there’s a whole lot of competition in that department... Anyway, we’ve been nominated? Now what?”

“An evil panel of evil judges will stop by to see how evil we really are.”

“And when does that happen?”

Dukat answered that. “Judging by the interdimensional portal that just opened in front of us, I’d say right now...”

Sure enough, a really huge interdimensional portal had opened right in front of the Excelsior. The portal needed to be really huge for what came through it...

Janeway was in shock. “What is that, a moon?”

Dark Helmet shook his head. “That’s no moon... That’s the Death Star!!!”

“That’s something I never understood... That thing’s nowhere near the size of a star. In fact, it’s only about the size of an asteroid. Why not call it the Death Asteroid?”

Rand, who had managed to catch her breath, was back at her station. “Ma’am?”

“It’s not crunch time yet, Rand.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask you this: When exactly is crunch time?”

“Never mind that. What is it?”

“The Death Star is requesting to dock with us.”

“Are they insane over there? That thing’s huge! Why don’t we dock with them instead?”

“What’s the difference?”

“I have no idea. It’s just seems more reasonable.”

“Okay, fine. I’ll tell them that we’ll dock with them.”


Several minutes later, the evil Excelsior had evilly docked with the Death Star. The Excelsior’s senior staff was in formal garb at the airlock preparing to meet the panel of judges. Finally, the airlock door opened. A Stormtrooper came out. “Please welcome your first judge: The Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader!”

Darth Vader stepped out of the shadows. Yoda smirked. “Welcome aboard.... Ani!”

Vader whipped out his lightsaber. “I *gasp* told you never to call me that, you *gasp* little green gnome!”

Yoda whipped out his lightsaber as well, and the two began dueling in the hallways of the Excelsior. Unfortunately, their lightsabers were slicing the walls apart, sending sparks flying everywhere. Janeway shook her head. “Well, the ship’s going to require quite a bit of repair after that battle’s done... Providing they don’t destroy the entire ship...”

The Stormtrooper introduced the next judge. “Please welcome your second judge: Mr. Morden!”

Morden stepped onto the Excelsior. He instantly recognized two of the Excelsior crew. “Zathras? Apocalypse Box? What are you guys doing here?”

Zathras, who was holding the Apocalypse Box, answered, “Is long story. Zathras will tell it later.”

Janeway smiled. “Well, that’s a better introduction. Zathras, why don’t you show Mr. Morden around since you seem to know him already?”

Zathras nodded, and the trio of Babylon 5 characters started down the hallway (in the opposite direction that Vader and Yoda went, of course).

The Stormtrooper once again announced the next judge. “Please welcome your third judge: Scorpius!”

Scorpius stormed onto the ship. He promptly hoisted Janeway off the floor by her throat. “Give me the wormhole technology!”

Janeway, though choking, managed to get out, “We don’t have wormhole technology!”

Scorpius dropped Janeway. “You don’t? Oh. Terribly sorry. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Janeway rubbed her sore neck. “Likewise. Mr. Hamster, why don’t you show Mr. Scorpius around?”

Harvey the Wonder Hamster went scurrying down the hallway, and Scorpius went walking after him.

The Stormtrooper announced the last judge. “Please welcome the Cigarette Smoking Man!”

The Cigarette Smoking Man stepped onto the ship surrounded in a thick cloud of noxious smoke. The Excelsior crew began coughing uncontrollably. Janeway managed to say, “You’re the *cough* Cigarette Smoking *cough* Man?”

“Or am I?”

“It’s a *cough* pleasure to *cough* meet you.”

“Or is it?”

“You *cough* don’t ever give a straight *cough* answer, do you?”

“Or do I?”

“Dr. Frankenstein, show him around. And maybe *cough* you can help him kick that *cough hack wheeze* habit of his before we all suffocate to death...”

Zathras, Morden, and the Apocalypse Box continued walking around the evil Excelsior’s evil hallways. Morden asked again, “So... How did you guys get to the Star Trek universe, anyway?”

The Apocalypse Box explained. “About a year and half ago, this ship was under the command of a different captain: Evil Braxton, a composite temporal clone of Captain Braxton, our archenemy. Evil Braxton tried to blow up the galaxy by linking together several temporal superweapons. Unfortunately, the explosion only blasted him and the ship into the Babylon 5 universe. Oh, and it unleashed several villains from alternate timelines on the Star Trek universe. Anyway, Evil Braxton wanted to get to the Great Machine to try and get back home, but he needed some Shadow armor first. He got some, and was given me as a bonus prize. He went back to the Great Machine, where Zathras was utterly bored of just standing around, so he joined the Excelsior crew as well. After a while, we all got back to the Star Trek universe. Except we unleashed aliens from Fortyseventhspace and Evil Braxton was killed. We were all imprisoned, but then we were freed by the Vaadwaur and Admiral Janeway became the new captain. But since Zathras and I are of little use in the Star Trek universe, they’ve been using me for target practice and giving Zathras all sorts of stupid chores to do.”

“That sounded suspiciously like a recap.”

“Nonsense. It was simply a summarization of past events.”

“Oh. Well, if things are so bad here, why don’t you come back to the Babylon 5 universe with me?”



“Deal! Zathras, we’re going home!”

Meanwhile, Scorpius was continuing to follow Harvey the Wonder Hamster around. However, something caught Scorpius’ eye. “Excuse me, is this a communications terminal?”

Harvey squeaked incoherently.

“I thought so... Excellent.”

Scorpius grabbed Harvey, and then jabbed some sort of needle-like thing into the base of his skull. He then dropped Harvey, who was now quite unconscious, and proceeded to work the terminal...

A little while later, Rand and Valtane walked into the Excelsior’s mess hall. They grabbed some food and sat down with Dukat. Rand asked Dukat, “Any word on what happened to Yoda and Vader?”

“Yeah, they’re right over there.” Dukat pointed over to another table, where Yoda and Vader were apparently drinking together. “They were fighting for the longest time, but neither one could gain the upper hand. So they came down here and proceeded to get really really drunk.”

Sure enough, they were really really drunk. The following exchange could be heard coming from their table:

“I *gasp* love you, man!”

“No, love you I do!”

“No, I love *gasp* you, man!”

“No, love you, I do!”

All of a sudden, the ship began to shake. A few seconds later, it subsided. Rand asked, “What was that?”

Valtane shrugged. “I have no idea, but I’d better go find out...”

So Valtane headed back to the bridge...

Meanwhile, back on the Relativity...

Captain Braxton let out a sigh of relief. “Finally! It’s about time we showed up in this episode!”

Yar’s console started beeping. “Sir, we’re being hailed... By the Excelsior!”

“The Excelsior? Onscreen!”

Scorpius’ face appeared on the main viewscreen. Braxton, as usual, stated the obvious. “Hey... You’re not Janeway!”

“Nothing gets by you, does it, John?”

“Uh... My name’s not John.”

“Sorry. Force of habit.”

Ducane leaned over and whispered to Braxton, “Sir, that’s Scorpius. He’s from the Farscape universe.”

“Is he a good guy or a bad guy?”

“Both. Neither. It really depends on your point of view.”

“Don’t be getting all Obi-Wan on me, Ducane.”

“Sorry, sir.”

Braxton turned his attention back to Scorpius. “What do you want?”

“I seek asylum in the Star Trek universe.”

“Asylum? Here? You do realize that in this universe continuity is butchered on a regular basis and characterization is frequently pushed aside in favor of big explosions, right?”

“Beggars can’t be choosers. You see, Farscape has been cancelled, and I do not wish to be cancelled along with it. I propose this: Rescue me from this ship of fools and allow me to continue with my wormhole research. In exchange, all my scientific knowledge will be at your disposal.”

Ducane interrupted. “But if Farscape is cancelled, why proceed with the wormhole research? After all, the Scarrans will be cancelled as well.”

“It is my hope that by unlocking the secrets of wormholes, I can travel between the universes at will. Therefore, I can travel back to the Farscape universe, defeat the Scarrans, and return here without danger of being trapped in obscurity.”

Braxton thought for a few seconds. “Okay, we’ll try to rescue you. But it’ll be tough to get you off the Excelsior.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that. I have made several calculations that will make your task infinitely easier. I am transmitting the data to you now...”

Back on the Excelsior’s bridge, the bridge crew and the four judges had assembled. The shaking was becoming more and more severe and more and more frequent, so everyone was trying to figure out what the matter was. All of a sudden, red alert klaxons went off. Hawk checked the scanners. “Admiral, the Relativity is approaching at maximum hyperwarp!”

Janeway grinned evilly. “The fools! We will destroy them with the power of the Death Star!”

Vader cleared his throat. “We’ll do what?”

Janeway corrected herself. “Lord Vader will destroy them with the power of the Death Star!”

“That’s *gasp* better. Fire the main weapon!”

The Death Star began powering up its main weapon, but suddenly the shaking began again. It was quite severe this time. Dark Helmet read out the damage reports. “Shields are down. Structural integrity fields are at 47%!”

The Relativity zoomed by the Excelsior. As it did so, Scorpius vanished in a flash of blue light. Janeway was in shock. “Scorpius is in league with Braxton!”

The Cigarette Smoking Man stopped churning out his foul fumes long enough to say, “Or is he?”

Janeway shoved the Cigarette Smoking Man to the floor. “Stop doing that! And this bridge is a non-smoking headquarters of doom! Put that thing out!”

Valtane interrupted. “Admiral, I’ve figured out what’s causing the shaking!”

“What is it?”

“It’s a philosophy quake!”

“A philosophy quake?”

“Yes! You see, there are great philosophical questions out there like ‘What is the sound of one hand clapping?’ and ‘If a tree falls in the woods and no-one’s around, does it make a sound?’. There’s also the greatest question of them all: ‘Who would win: Stormtroopers or Redshirts?’”

“I don’t get it.”

“Stormtroopers couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn. Redshirts always die. It’s like the unstoppable force and the immovable object. It’s a question that we’re not meant to know the answer to. But having all the Stormtroopers on the Death Star in close proximity to the Redshirts on the Excelsior is causing the philosophy quake!”

“I see! Then if the Death Star doesn’t leave now, we may all get shaken to pieces?”


Vader nodded. “Okay. Then *gasp* we’re leaving. We’ll let *gasp* you know what we’ve decided.”

The trio of villains made their way to airlock with the Excelsior crew. Zathras and the Apocalypse Box followed. Janeway glared at the two. “Where do you think you’re going? We have target practice in less than an hour!”

Morden stuck his head back out the airlock. “I’m taking my associates back to the Babylon 5 universe. Ta ta!”

The Death Star then detached from the Excelsior, opened up another interdimensional portal, and left.

Janeway was quite annoyed. “Can anything else go wrong today?”

On cue, Dukat responded, “Actually, all that shaking damaged our atmospheric recyclers. It’ll be a while before we can clear out all this smoke...”

And so, all the evil crew of the evil Excelsior immediately got to work on repairs. Well, except for Yoda, who had a really bad hangover. And Harvey the Wonder Hamster, who could have sworn that he saw Scorpius out of the corner of his eye for a split second...

UPN Promo:

Next time on Star Trek: Series ?, the crew of the Relativity must help the biggest loser in all of history break out of a time loop!