Episode 93: “Desperate Times, Part II”

Written by “Krenim”

Published September 10, 2003

Previously, on Star Trek: Series ?...

The evil crew of the evil Excelsior was stunned when Future Guy showed up. Admiral Picard ordered Captain Braxton to violate the Temporal Prime Directive by going back in time and preventing the Vaadwaur from ever escaping Captain Janeway. Future Guy ordered Admiral Janeway to stop Braxton, with the incentive of getting back in Gorei’s good graces. Both ships traveled back in time and were about to fire on each other when Voyager showed up. Will Captain Janeway side with her archenemy Captain Braxton or her evil temporal clone?

And now the conclusion...

Captain Janeway glanced from Captain Braxton to Admiral Janeway and back again. “Hmm... This is a tough decision. Who should I believe?”

Ducane held up a bag. “If you choose Braxton, I’m authorized to give you this bag of coffee!”

Captain Janeway turned to her temporal clone. “Well?”

Admiral Janeway scowled. “Nuh-uh! I’m not parting with any of my coffee, not even if it is going to myself!”

“Fine! I’m siding with Braxton!”

Braxton shouted, “Woo-hoo!”

Admiral Janeway was furious. “You haven’t seen the last of me!” And with that, she closed the channel.

Captain Janeway thought for a second. “I doubt we’ve seen the last of her...”

Chakotay rolled his eyes and asked sarcastically, “No, really, do you think?”

Captain Janeway turned back to Braxton. “So what do you want me to do?”

“Whatever you do, don’t land on this planet!”

“Sounds reasonable, but considering how all your other requests to me involve blowing up my ship, anything else would sound reasonable. Now where’s my coffee?”

Admiral Janeway smirked. “Well, I guess we’ll just have to do this the hard way... Mr. Hawk, target Voyager.”

“Yay! I finally get to blow something up!”

“You’re not blowing them up, you fool! If you blow them up, I cease to exist! Lower weapon yield and cause enough damage to force them to land!”

The evil Excelsior’s evil subspace torpedoes shot out towards Voyager. Even with their lowered yields, they caused massive damage...

Consoles were exploding all over the Voyager bridge. Janeway looked around. “Neelix! What are you doing?”

Neelix was roasting marshmallows over a flaming conduit. “Snacking!”

“Well, stop it!”

“I’m making some coffee over that plasma fire over there...”

“Good man! Braxton?”

Braxton was still on the barely-functioning viewscreen. “We’re on it!”

The Relativity let loose a barrage of paradox torpedoes. The evil Excelsior, with its dual defenses, didn’t take much damage, but it had finished firing on Voyager anyway. Oddly, instead of attacking the Relativity, it ducked into subspace...

Captain Janeway tapped her communicator. “Where’s my near-instant damage repairs?”

B’Elanna’s voice came over the comm. “The magic pixies were knocked unconscious, ma’am...”

“Shush! Nobody’s supposed to know about the magic pixies!”

“Sorry, but we’re going to have to land to repair this damage.”

“Rats. Braxton, I’m afraid we’re going to have to land after all.”

Braxton thought for a few seconds. “Well... Okay. But nobody leaves your ship!”

“Very well. Janeway out.”

While Voyager descended to the planet below, the evil Excelsior had retreated into subspace, and Admiral Janeway set in motion her backup plan...

“I’m taking a shuttle down to the planet’s surface. You all stay here until I call for you.”

All of a sudden, the ship shook horribly. Valtane looked out a window. “It’s a mess out there! There are rocks bumping into us and everything!”

“Yeah, I forgot the subspace corridors were in pretty bad shape in this era. Mr. Hawk, you can go ahead and blow them up.”

Hawk got a frenzied look on his face and began hitting the “Fire Weapons” button over and over...

Meanwhile, on Voyager, Seven of Nine was repairing damage in the Astrometrics Lab when a mysterious cloaked figure entered. Seven held up a phaser. “State your designation.”

“It’s me, Admi... Captain Janeway!”

“Why are you wearing that black cloak that conceals your entire body?”

“Uh... Neelix wants me to try his leola root loaf and I’m trying to duck him?”

“Understood. What do you require?”

“I need you to leave the ship and wander around outside for a while.”

“I was under the impression that Captain Braxton forbade leaving the ship.”

“You and I both know Braxton’s crazy. Just do it.”

After a few seconds of thought, Seven nodded and left.

Admiral Janeway chuckled. “Heh. This was too easy. I knew the command codes to get onto Voyager, and now Seven will go and wake up the Vaadwaur like she’s supposed to! Now to make my escape...”

On the Relativity, Dax was concerned. “I’m getting some odd sensor readings from below the surface.”

Braxton and Ducane came over and looked at Dax’s console. Ducane pointed at the strange readings. “Life signs?”

“I think so. In fact, I think they’re a bunch of Vaadwaur and a Borg.”

Braxton was quite annoyed. “Borg? I’ll bet it’s that Seven of Nine! I told Janeway to keep everyone on ship so that Seven wouldn’t wake up the Vaadwaur! Can’t she do anything right?”

Dax muttered under her breath, “So asks the pot of the kettle...”

“What was that?”

“Nothing, sir.”

Captain Janeway was quite annoyed. “Let me get this straight... You left the ship against my orders and then proceeded to wake up some aliens that we know nothing about and that according to Braxton might be the downfall of the galaxy?”

“But you told me to leave the ship and wander around! Not only that, but you left this note for me by the stasis pods...”

Seven handed Janeway the note. Janeway read it.

“Dear Seven,

It would be efficient and relevant and stuff like that if you could wake up these aliens that you know nothing about.

Admi... Captain Janeway”

“Seven, you dolt! I didn’t write this! It must have been my future self! Why do I keep you around, anyway?”

“To increase male demographics.”

“Oh yeah. Well, we’d better get Braxton on the line...”

Braxton appeared onscreen before they could hail him. “Janeway! Didn’t I tell you not to let anyone leave your ship?”

“Yes, but my future self tricked our ratings ploy into leaving and waking up those aliens.”

“Fine, we can still fix this. When they try to leave, I’ll shoot them out of the sky!”

Yar’s voice could be heard. “Actually, I’d be shooting them into the sky...”

Simultaneously, Braxton and Janeway shouted, “Shut up!”

In orbit, Dax continued monitoring the planet below. “Sir, I think they’re preparing to leave the planet. I’m reading energy signatures that I’m confident are ships.”

“Very well. Captain Sulu, move us into position. Yar, lock onto them as they leave and reduce them to freefloating ions.”

The Vaadwaur fighters began leaving the planet. Unfortunately, the evil Excelsior emerged from subspace right between the Relativity and the Vaadwaur.

Admiral Janeway’s voice came over the comm. “If you want them, you’re going to have to go through me first!”

“Fine! Yar, kindly move Janeway out of the way.”

The Relativity let loose rapid fire on the Excelsior. Unfortuately, it was able to sustain enough damage to let the Vaadwaur get away...

“Heh heh heh... See you in the future, suckers!”

And with that, the Excelsior re-entered the timestream.

Braxton sighed. “I guess we’d better get going too.”

Admiral Picard was furious. “Why do I even keep you around, Braxton?”

“To increase male demographics?”

“Shut up, you moron! Now I’ll have to assign several timeships to clean up the temporal mess that you left behind!”

“Sorry, sir.”

“Don’t be sorry! Be out of my office!”

Meanwhile, the evil Excelsior had arrived back at Vaadwaur Prime. Gorei was on the viewscreen. “Well, well, well... Admiral Janeway. Thanks for sparing me the time to hunt you down!”

Future Guy suddenly appeared behind Gorei. “You won’t harm that ship.”

“What? Why?”

“They have proved... useful. Keep them around.”


I said keep them around!

“Okay, okay... Janeway... Welcome back.”

UPN Promo:

The countdown to the final episode continues...

Star Trek’s greatest villains

*Shot of several Borg cubes*

Are back!

*Shot of Borg drones marching down corridor*

With the galaxy at war

*Shot of battle*

Is resistance now futile?

*Shot of Borg cubes attacking other ships*

Episode 94: “Smorgasborg”