The Undiscovered Continuity, Part IV: “Unfair Trade”
Written by “Krenim”
Published August 17, 2004
“Captain’s Log: We have finally arrived in the Tkon Prime system. As we expected, the supernova is imminent. The Tkon are clearly aware of this, as entire fleets of ships are fleeing the system. Hey, ‘fleets’ and ‘fleeing’ sound alike!”
While Braxton was off in his own little world, the rest of the senior staff was in a panic. The Relativity had just dropped out of hyperwarp seconds ago, and entire fleets of ships were fleeing the system. Unfortunately for them, there were also planets fleeing the system, and one of them was headed straight for them!
Xaronna was working furiously over her console, trying to get the ship out of the planet’s way. “Turn around, you stupid ship! Turn around!”
The ship’s computer replied, Hey, I might not be the smartest computer in the fleet, but at least I’m not the one clearing missing the button labeled “U-turn.”
Xaronna frantically looked for the U-turn button. “What U-turn button? I don’t see a U-turn button!”
You know, Sulu was a lot better at driving me than you.
“Shut up! Wait, here it is!” And with that, she mashed the U-turn button with her fist repeatedly. The ship spun around several times, and then finally beat a hasty retreat from the approaching planet.
Dax sarcastically stated, “Way to go, Xaronna. First mission as conn officer and you almost get us smacked into a planet! I almost wish we had waited for Crusher.”
Everyone stared at Dax.
“I said almost!”
Xaronna replied, “It’s not my fault! This console looks nothing like Starfleet standard!”
Ducane responded, “That’s probably because it’s a custom-built console. This whole ship was custom-built, and Sulu had his console designed for him.”
“Then get a standard console installed here!”
“Okay, but that console has some pretty sweet perks built into it...”
“Hit the yellow button with the lightning bolt symbol on it.”
Xaronna hit the button. In the background, Captain Braxton (who was still amusing himself with the similarities between “fleets” and “fleeing") suddenly let out a yelp and jumped out of his seat. “Ouch! What the heck was that?”
Xaronna only whispered to herself, “Sweeeeeeeeeet....”
Back in the 29th Century, Dr. Brown ran onto the Klingons’ bridge. “I’ve done it!”
Gowron’s eyes bulged out of his head. “Excellent! This will allow us to travel through time?”
“Yes! It’s my flux capacitor. It will allow us to travel to any point in time. All we have to do is get the ship up to 88 miles per hour and it will kick in automatically.”
Kang (who was now in TOS Klingon mode) gasped. “That’s crazy! We’ll never get the ship to go that fast!”
Gowron’s bulging eyes focused on Kang. “This ship is capable of hyperwarp speeds. 88 miles per hour is a very small fraction of that, so there’s no problem. Dolt. Anyway, what about temporal sensors? We need to track the Relativity through time!”
Dr. Brown responded, “Don’t worry. The flux capacitor is designed to home in on Braxton’s ship.”
“Perfect. Let’s get going, then.”
The ship didn’t make it anywhere near the end of the jump to hyperwarp before it vanished into the timestream, leaving behind fiery tracks where the ship’s nacelles had been...
In the (relative) meantime, the Relativity had sent out a general hail in hopes that someone amongst the Tkon could give them a planetmover. Almost half an hour later, someone responded.
The man on the viewscreen, cloaked in a regal-looking robe, stated, “I am Chancellor Lawn. What is of such importance that you would interrupt me during the evacuation of our home system?”
Before Braxton could even speak, Ducane got out of his seat and addressed the chancellor. “Sir, we have come to seek help in preventing a disaster in one of our systems. Two of our planets are in imminent danger of colliding, and we need one of your planetmovers to save them.”
“Hmm... Under most circumstances, I would be happy to loan you one of our planetmovers. However, as I’m sure you have detected, our star is about to go supernova. We are currently moving everything out of our system, and we have no planetmovers to spare.”
“You’re moving everything out of your system? Surely you could leave behind some asteroids or whatnot to spare billions of our people.”
“Hmm... I suppose so, although you’ll have to trade us something to compensate us for the natural resources lost.”
“I understand. Please give us several minutes while I discuss the matter with my crew.”
Lawn disappeared, leaving the Relativity crew to themselves. Braxton complained, “This is my ship! Why didn’t you let me talk?”
“Because you would have messed everything up even more than it already is.”
Damar asked, “More than it already is?”
“We know that most of the Tkon die out because of the supernova, but they’re well on their way to evacuating the system. Surely something must happen that prevents them from leaving...”
Braxton got up out of his chair too. “Are you saying we doom the Tkon?”
Kes muttered, “More likely you doom the Tkon...”
“What was that, Kes?”
Ducane thought for a few more seconds. “It may very well be us. If this is a paradox, we might be the ones to destroy the Tkon because we know they get destroyed. Thus, history as we know it is preserved.”
Dax responded, “But surely not even we would stoop to killing billions of people just because we say they should die?”
Braxton interrupted, “Folks, I don’t think we need to worry. This is a parody show, a comedy. I’m sure we all know that some kind of wacky plot twist is going to take the decision out of our hands so we can ignore the ethical ramifications of our current situation.”
As if on cue, Gowron’s warship jumped out of the timestream right in front of them. Gowron’s face (complete with creepy bulging eyes) appeared on the viewscreen. “Prepare to die, Captain Braxton!”
Braxton suddenly remembered. “Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you guys that Daniels told me that Future Guy hired a bunch of Klingons from throughout history to kill us all as revenge for defeating the Vaadwaur. —Ow! What was that?”
Xaronna snickered, her finger having just pressed a certain button.
At that moment, Robo-Nechayev exited a turbolift and stepped onto the Klingon bridge. Braxton! I will destroy you utterly for disobeying the Robo-Nechayev!
Braxton cowered. “Uh... Okay. But could you hold off on destroying me until after I complete the mission you gave me? I was just about to get a planetmover.”
Processing... Processing... Very well! The Robo-Nechayev shall postpone your slow and painful doom until you finish your task!
Gowron whipped his head around and glared at Robo-Nechayev with his scary bulging eyes. “No! Future Guy wanted us to destroy Braxton immediately!”
You work for Future Guy?!?! Infidels! The Robo-Nechayev shall crush you all!
The Relativity crew watched as Robo-Nechayev and the Klingons began to battle. Braxton and Ducane looked at each other, and Ducane asked, “You know what we have to do now, right?”
“Uh... Bet on the winner?”
“You betcha! Three strips of gold-pressed latinum on the angry Klingon horde!”
Dax interrupted. “Sir, I have the Tkon chancellor hailing us wanting to know what we’ve decided.”
Braxton shouted back, “Put him on hold! This is the fight of the century! Somebody replicate some popcorn!”
Ten minutes later, the Klingon bridge lay in flaming shambles. The Klingons were broken, bruised, and bleeding, but they had managed to take down the fearsome Robo-Nechayev. Her massive robotic form lay deactivated on the floor, with several bat’leth’s lodged in her metal frame.
Chang asked, “What do we do with her?”
Gowron responded, “Toss her out an airlock or something. Let her drift through space dishonored forever!”
Kang, Kor, and Koloth (looking like their DS9 selves) dragged Robo-Nechayev into the turbolift and headed down to an airlock.
Gowron turned back to his viewscreen, which was badly damaged but still working. “Now, I will crush you utterly, Braxton! I will not only destroy you, but I will dishonor you first by destroying all the planetmovers with my awesome warship, so that your mission can never be completed! Well, I’ll do that as soon as we clean this place up a bit. Just give us a few minutes...”
The Relativity’s viewscreen deactivated. Ducane turned back to Braxton. “You know what you have to do now, right?”
“Give you three strips of gold-pressed latinum?”
“Well, yeah, there’s that. But we have to get a planetmover fast before the Klingons get their act together. The Tkon ships won’t stand a chance against a warship that powerful...”
To be continued...