Berman and Braga Strike Back, Chapter 4: “Goldsman’s Revenge”

Written by Jason Reichstetter

In Rick Berman’s office, a huge battle is preparing to be fought. Scott Bakula and the Enterprise cast have all barged into Berman’s office after Braga was knocked unconscious by Bakula.

Bakula: Okay, Berman! This is it!

Berman: (Hitting comm button repeatedly) Victoria, where’s my damned security?

Bakula: (To his fellow cast) All right. On my mark, unleash Hell on him.

(Suddenly, the doorway fills with an ominous gas and Bakula and everybody falls unconscious. Berman looks up in astonishment as Akiva Goldsman enters)

Goldsman: Don’t worry Rick! I’ll save you!

Berman: But, how did you...

Goldsman: It’s a Bat-gas bomb. I have a crapload of bat-gadgets left over from when I worked on Batman Forever and Batman and Robin. Come on, we have to get out of here.

Berman: Okay. (Berman and Goldsman head toward the fire escape)

Goldsman: Um, Rick, aren’t we forgetting somebody?

Berman: (Looks at Goldsman) No.

Goldsman: What about Mr. Braga?

Berman: He had a change of heart. He’s quasi-evil. He’s the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough. We’ll leave him as a little momento for Mr. Bakula.

(The are almost at the exit when the two Paramount security guards, Hahn Jobbe and Michael Hunt finally arrive)

Berman: It took you two long enough.

Jobbe: Ah’m sorrah, Mistah Behmahn. Ve’ve been vahtching Bahbahlohn Five.

Berman: (Eyes start glowing red) HOW DARE YOU? (Eyes stop glowing) That is of no consequence. Come, Mr. Jobbe and Mr. Hunt. I will need your security expertise where we are going.

(Berman, Jobbe and Hunt exit, but something is holding up Goldsman.)

Berman: Hurry the hell up, Goldsman! We have to get out of here before they wake up.

Goldsman: Just one second! I’ve always wanted to do this. (Goldsman puts up a silver batlogo with a blinky red light on it)

Berman: What the hell is that?

Goldsman: A batbomb! (Goldsman starts giggling like a little schoolgirl)

Berman: All right. If that is quite enough, can we go now?

(Goldsman is still standing there, looking at the batbomb, giggling. Hahn Jobbe reenters the building and punches Goldsman in the face)

Jobbe: Mistah Behmahn says ve go now!

(Jobbe picks Goldsman up and they exit the building. The batbomb detonates. Only a little bit of wallpaper is taken off in the blast)

Meanwhile...

Chief O’Brien, Doctor Bashir, Lt. Comm. Worf, Eddington and Constable Odo are still walking down the streets of Los Angeles, looking for an explanation of how Deep Space Nine was sent here.

O’Brien: Okay. Let’s go over everything that happened just before we were sent here.

Worf: I was busy in the holosuite kicking the crap out of Romulans in my training program.

Odo: I was busy with Mr. Eddington reviewing the station security grid, which showed all the weaknesses of Deep Space Nine. That way, if we were ever attacked by, say, the Maquis, for example, he would know where the station weaknesses are.

Bashir: I was busy trying to get into Jadzia and Major Kira’s pants.

Odo: Oh, you will never get into Major Kira’s pants, Doctor.

Bashir: Oh, really. How do you know?

Odo: For one thing, your waistline is a little bigger than hers, and the Major prefers wearing tight pants. Therefore, you would not be able to fit in her pants because you are too big.

Bashir: Odo, getting into the Major’s pants is another way of saying I was trying to dock in her port.

Odo: (Flabbergasted) Why would you need to park in the Major’s port? The station has an entire docking ring with open airlocks.

Bashir: Nevermind.

Meanwhile...

Phil, Dustin and Phil’s Mom are still driving through Oklahoma.

Phil: Are we there yet?

Phil’s Mom: No.

Phil: Can we stop soon? I have to go pee.

Dustin: Phil, you’re such a dumbass. Here you are, twenty seven, and when you have to piss, you say you have to pee. That’s so childish.

Phil: Shut up, Dustin. Remember, James Cromwell, in Star Trek: First Contact, asked Geordi if people in the twenty fourth century ever pee. And that guy is like, sixty or something.

Dustin: Zephram Cochrane wasn’t sixty. The Star Trek Encyclopedia specifically states that Cochrane was thirty three years old at the time of First Contact.

Phil: There’s no way he can be thirty three, because I looked at the Internet Movie Database, which specifically said that James Cromwell is fifty seven!

Dustin: The Internet Movie Database is not canon, because it has never been shown on screen! Zefram Cochrane is thirty three!

Phil: Fifty seven!

Dustin: Thirty three!

Phil: FIFTY SEVEN!

Dustin: THIRTY THREE!

(The two get into a bitch slapping contest, all the while yelling the different ages)

Phil’s Mom: BOYS! SHUT THE HELL UP!

(The two stop fighting and just sit there)

Phil: (Whispers) See, I told you he was fifty seven.

Dustin: HE’S NOT FIFTY SEVEN! HE’S THIRTY THREE! THE STAR TREK ENCYCLOPEDIA SAYS HE IS, THEREFORE IT IS WRITTEN SCRIPTURE!

(Phil’s Mom, startled by the sudden yelling, veers the Taurus off the road toward an embankment)

Phil: ALL HANDS! BRACE FOR IMPACT!

Dustin: Commander William T. Riker, portrayed by Jonathan Frakes, Star Trek: Generations, 1994.

(The Taurus crashes into the embankment)

Phil’s Mom: I’M ALLLLIIIIIIIVVVVVVE!

(The three crawl out of the wreckage and look at the demolished car)

Phil: Oh, this is just great. Now how are we going to get to Deep Space Nine?

Phil’s Mom: Deep Space Nine?!? I thought you boys were going to a Star Trek convention.

Dustin: Uh, oh!

Meanwhile...

At the cemetery, the two gravediggers have left Roddenberry’s grave, where the spinning noise has stopped. They have since started watching more Voyager reruns. They are now watching the episode “Threshold.”

Chakotay: How will we know which one is the Captain?

Tuvok: The female. Obviously.

(The two gravediggers start laughing really hard. The first gravedigger starts getting choked on his Dr. Pepper. Meanwhile, outside, the spinning noise has resumed, but, at a much higher rate than before. The ground starts bulging at the grave site, and a skeletal structure with some decaying meat on it emerges from the ground.

Roddenberry: (In a zombie voice) BER-MAN!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Preview:

Berman and Goldsman head to their secret underground lair, Scott Bakula takes Brannon Braga hostage, and Zombie-Roddenberry seeks out Rick Berman!