Episode 1: “The No-Motion Picture”
Written by Swordtail
Righteous - Space, the final frontier... these are the voyages of the starship Celestial. Its continuing mission... to convert strange, new worlds... to seek out new life and new civilizations (and convert them)... to boldly pray like no one has prayed before–
Senseless - Oh come on! That’s not how it goes! Give me that microphone.
Senseless - Space, a dangerous frontier... these are the chronicles of the warship Celestial. Its continuing mission... to destroy strange, new worlds... to conquer new life and hostile civilizations... to boldly fight what no one has fought before. There, say it right next time.
Scene 1 - The USS Celestial is at Warp 1.5 because Lieutenant Bios accidentally damaged the main deflector and is in the process of testing her repaired version. Meanwhile on the Bridge, the crew are griping about everything as usual.
Righteous - Dear Emissary...
Senseless - Ah come on! That’s the third time in the last ten minutes!
Genocide - Look at all those planets. So big. So defenseless.
Center - Those are stars, reject.
Genocide - You’re a fine one to talk!
Baque - Why the hell are we going at warp 1.5? This ship can do warp 9.9997. Who the hell let Bios near the main deflector?
Greaser - The same idiot that let her at the toilet settings on deck 3. You can’t have a crap without getting soaked.
Center - Captain! There is a transmission coming in from the Fourth Fleet! They say that the Breen have developed a new energy dampener weapon that affects our ships. 68% of the Fourth Fleet has already been destroyed.
Greaser - God help us all.
Righteous - You’re right! We do need divine intervention. Helm, set a course for the wormhole, maximum warp!
Senseless - What!? Bajor’s halfway across the Federation! That’s 4,000 light-years away!
Righteous - Well, we’ll just have to step on the antimatter. Mr. Baque, set a course bearing 4311 mark 33.48. Warp 9.91.
Baque - Why do I have to do it?
Center - Because you’re the helmsman... sir. And because the Captain said so.
Baque - Fine but I’m putting the ship into autopilot.
Righteous - Fair enough.
Baque presses a few buttons. The ship changes course. Baque gets up and starts to head for the turbolift.
Righteous - Where do you think you’re going?
Baque - To my quarters to get some sleep.
Righteous - Get back to your station.
Baque - But we won’t be at Bajor for 15 hours!
Righteous - Too bad. Sit down.
Senseless - I’m going to Sickbay to get some aspirin for this headache.
Greaser - I’d better go keep Bios away from the warp core.
Genocide - Is there even the remote chance that we might get to shoot something?
Greaser - Sure why not.
Greaser and Genocide leave.
Righteous - Oops! Prayer time. Every hour on the hour!
Center - I’ll go too!
Righteous and Center leave.
No-name #1 - I need to go get my tetanus shot.
No-name #1 leaves, leaving Baque alone on the computer-controlled bridge.
Baque - Real mature, morons!
Scene 2 - Briefing room. All the senior staff are present except Righteous (actually they tend to hold meetings when Righteous is off praying for the very reason that he is not present).
Senseless - Okay. Science department, report.
Bios - I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that I’ve fixed the main deflector.
Senseless - And the bad news?
Bios - In the process of repairing it, I blew out the hologrid.
Genocide - So how the hell am I supposed to take my anger out on people if I can’t take it out on holograms?
All of a sudden a big smile crosses his face. A no-name that was showing a PADD to Commander Senseless screams and runs for the door. Through the door the crew can hear him telling other no-names of Lieutenant-Commander Genocide’s new hobby. Through the briefing room window escape pods can be seen leaving the ship. But because the Celestial is at warp, and because they are no-names, the pods’ structural integrity fails and one by one the pods implode.
Senseless - Damn it, not again. Anyway, Medical?
Puker - I’ve administered the crews’ tetanus shots. The crew won’t have to worry about getting killed by rust.
Genocide - Yeah, now all they have to worry about is me.
Five more escape pods leave the ship.
Senseless - Would you shut up?! Tactical, what’s the status of the weapon systems and shields?
No one says anything.
Senseless - Fine, Lieutenant, you can talk now. What’s the status of the weapons?
Genocide - How should I know?
Senseless puts his head in his hands and lets out a sigh. On one side of the table Baque and Center are having a mercy fight and on the other side Greaser and Stoner are b**ch slapping each other. Bios is dismantling the briefing table’s built in computer and Dr. Puker is performing open heart surgery on a no-name.
Puker - Okay, I know it’s unconventional, but I’m going to access your heart through your mouth.
No-name #2 - I only have a splinter.
Senseless - Jesus Christ! What is this? A starship or a daycare?
Scene 3 - Captain Righteous’ quarters. Righteous closes his mint condition Orb that he bought on eBay. His commbadge beeps.
Righteous - Righteous here.
No-name #1 - Captain, there is a priority one communication for you from Admiral Spot.
Righteous - Route it here.
Righteous - Hello, ma’am. Beautiful day on Earth I hear!
Spot - hiss [translation] (It’s raining and I hate rain!)
Righteous - With the Prophets in control it never rains and everyone is happy until they die of thirst.
Spot - hiss purr meow ( You f***ing idiot! Thanks to your little cross-galaxy detour, the entire Fourth Fleet was destroyed by the Breen.)
Righteous - Well at least they’re with the Prophets now.
Spot - Shut up! Ur... um... meow hiss.
Righteous - Yes ma’am.
Spot - purr ( The Celestial has been reassigned to the Ninth Fleet. My fleet. I’m going to kill that idiot Admiral Ross. Picard, Shields and now you. Why am I always stuck with the stupid captains?)
Righteous - Guess you’re just lucky.
Spot - hiss (Shut the hell up! Turn your ass around and go meet the Saratoga. And if you ever pull a stunt like the one you just pulled, I’ll personally come over and claw up all of your religious shit. Spot out.)
Spot hits her comm off button so hard that it causes Righteous’ screen to blow up.
Righteous - Sheesh, how was I supposed to know we were part of the Fourth Fleet?
Righteous goes to the bridge and on his way to his chair passes the ship registration plaque that says in big bold letters: USS CELESTIAL - FOURTH FLEET.
Scene 4 - Bridge
Righteous - Helm, set a course for the USS Saratoga.
Baque - Which one?
Righteous - The Galaxy-class one.
Baque - Oh thanks, that narrows it down to a mere seven.
Senseless - (sigh) NCC-31482.
Righteous - How’d you know that? Have you been tapping my communications?
Senseless - Well, someone’s got to.
The sound of a ship dropping out of warp fills the bridge.
Greaser - Greaser to bridge, the warp core just went offline!
Everyone looks at Bios.
Bios - Hey, just cause it was me the last 238 times doesn’t mean it was me this time.
Little do they know, a temporal portal has opened inside the warp core and Binky the Mistreated Targ is clogging up one of the deuterium injectors. Camera is in engineering.
Greaser - Something’s in the injector assembly. The pressure is rising.
Greaser walks over to the reactor chamber and unlocks the reactor cap.
Greaser - Baseball mitts, everyone.
All twelve of the engineering crew, even the ones on the upper and lower levels, reluctantly put on their baseball mitts.
With a huge bang, Binky flies out of the reactor, a trail of antimatter exploding on his tail. He plows through two no-names, killing them instantly, and goes through the bulkhead. Greaser, who was knocked over when Binky glanced her shoulder, gets up and is quite rudely hit in the head by a tribble which some suicidal no-name has dropped on her from the upper level. Some other no-names close the reactor and the Celestial goes back to warp.
Scene 5 - Bridge. Tetanus shots have just been administered to the senior staff.
Stoner - So the Klingon says, “That’s not a targ, it’s my mother.”
Everybody sits still blinking.
Stoner - That’s a joke. You’re supposed to laugh, I think.
Center - Right... Hey what the hell? We’ve dropped out of warp again!
Greaser - What? Jesus Christ! If that targ is backing up the injectors again...
Baque - Idiots!!! Check the sensors! We’ve reached the Saratoga!
Righteous - Oh goodie! Hail them please.
Center - Yes sir, right away sir, with pleasure sir –
Senseless - Just do it!
Righteous - Hello, Captain Farfetched!
Farfetched - Good morning, jackass.
Righteous - I don’t understand.
Baque - You don’t understand anything.
Farfetched - I had a lot of friends in the Fourth Fleet, jackass.
Righteous - I didn’t think—
Baque - That’s right, you don’t think.
Farfetched - Well, anyway, here’s your stupid orders. Saratoga out.
Righteous - Well, ain’t that just a kick in the crotch.
Baque - No this is a kick in the crotch!
Baque jumps up and is running for the Captain when two no-names restrain him.
Scene 6 - Binky runs at full speed in circles around the main corridor on deck 7, followed closely by two no-names, who are firing phaser compression rifles but can’t hit the broad side of a Borg Cube. Binky runs into a turbolift and says:
Binky - Wheee!
The turbolift moves up to deck one.
Senseless - Huh?
Genocide - Fresh meat!
The senior staff whip out their phasers, all except Righteous who steps in front of the targ.
Righteous - The targ shall not be harmed...
Binky lets out a sigh, happy to finally find someone who will be nice to him.
Righteous - ...until tonight. The Prophets demand a sacrifice.
Before Binky can run Righteous grabs him by the tail. Binky flails around and hits Baque in the head, knocking him out, before Righteous gives the targ to Center who sedates him.
Senseless - Bios, take Lieutenant Baque to sickbay. Man, if Admiral Spot gets wind of this we’re all dead.
Scene 7 - Sickbay
Puker is packing up some things. Bios walks in.
Bios - Doc, give me a hand getting him on the biobed.
Puker - Don’t think so. I’m off duty.
Bios - Then get Ensign Stoner to treat him.
Puker - She’s off duty too.
Bios - Fine, I’ll do it myself.
Bios reaches under the biobed and grabs a “Surgery for Dummies” book.
Bios - Ok, step 1. Insert subdermal probe into–hey doc, what’s subdermal mean?
Puker - Damn it, Bios, I’m a doctor not a dictionary. I don’t know. Bye, good luck!
Bios - Computer, activate the EMH.
EMH - Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
Bios - He has a bad concussion.
EMH - What is the status of your doctor?
Bios - He’s a dumbass. Heal this patient.
EMH - Say the magic word!
Bios - Okay. Computer, delete the EMH, authorization–
EMH - Right away. See what happens when you ask politely?
Bios, who is now engrossed in the internal mechanics of a medical tricorder, isn’t paying attention and walks into the wall next to the door.
Scene 8 - Mess hall. Some no-names are stuffing Binky full of food.
No-Name #3 - Here, have an apple.
No-Name #4 - Hey, move over. I wanna feed the targ!
While the two no-names fight with each other, Binky makes a slow wobbling run for the door. The door opens revealing Genocide and Senseless. Genocide looks at the two no-names and raises his phaser.
Genocide - Idiots!
Senseless - God what did I do to deserve this misery?
Genocide picks up the targ.
Genocide - Okay Mister... um, Commander, What’s his name?
Senseless - I’ve checked the Klingon Historical Archives. According to school records he’s an escaped targ named Binky.
Genocide - That’s not a very Klingon name.
Senseless - He’s not a very Klingon targ. Look at him. What kind of warrior stuffs his face when he’s about to be killed?
No-Name #3 - A hungry one?
No-Name #4 - A brave one?
Genocide - Wrong answers!
Senseless - Stop killing our entertainment!
As if on cue, two no-names wearing tuxedos, top hats and canes run by singing.
No-Name # 5 and 6 - Ya ta ta-ta ta, Ya ta ta-ta ta, Ya ta ta-ta ta taaaa!
Senseless - What was that for?!
Genocide - I hate Broadway show tunes.
Senseless - That’s it, you’re relieved of duty.
Genocide - Oh, score!
Senseless - On second thought, get to the bridge.
Genocide - Damn it!
Scene 9 - Deck 7. Baque stumbles around crashing into walls. Greaser walks up cursing about something.
Baque - What’s wrong Chief?
Greaser - Everything!
Baque - Ah! Trouble in Engineering again.
Greaser - Those stupid no-names were roasting marshmallows over a warp plasma conduit again. And the worst part is they wouldn’t give me any!
Baque - Let me guess. You shoved them into the warp core head first.
Greaser - No, of course not. That would be too easy. I told them that there was a big bag of pre-roasted marshmallows just off the port nacelle. Last I saw of them they were heading for the shuttlebay. I’m going to go watch them suffocate. Wanna come?
Baque - Can’t. I’m due on the Bridge ten minutes ago. Hey, I’m the only one who can fly the ship.
Scene 10 - Bridge. Baque steps out of the turbolift and sees 4 no-names fighting over the helm.
Baque - Okay, let me rephrase that. I’m the only one who is qualified to fly the ship.
Baque kicks the no-names out of the way and takes his station. He is there for a mere 20 seconds when he hears the intercom come on an the sound of a siren fills the bridge.
Baque - Shit! It’s the cops.
Federation Police Cruiser - You are traveling at warp 6 in a warp 5 zone. Please deactivate your engines and prepare to be boarded. Huh? Er... and... you have the right to remain crazy. Any sanity you have can and will be destroyed in a court of law.
Baque - Eat my ions, assholes!
Baque increases speed to warp 9.9 and raises shields.
Baque - Ha ha ha ha oh shit!
The police ship fires torpedoes at the Celestial.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
The red alert klaxons go off. Senseless, Righteous, Genocide, Center and Stoner run onto the bridge.
Senseless - What the hell?
Baque - We’re under attack!
Genocide - Thank you, Captain Obvious!
Baque - That’s Lieutenant Obvious to you... sir.
Center - Why are we being fired upon by a Federation Police Ship?
Righteous - Crap! They’ll find my stolen Orbs!
Genocide - They’ll find my stolen weapons!
Stoner - They’ll find my stolen logic!
Senseless - They’ll find you’re all insane and I can finally get out of here. All stop.
Baque looks at Righteous.
Righteous, Genocide, Stoner - Step on it!
Baque - Increasing speed to warp 9.97.
Center - They’re targeting our warp core!
Righteous - Now why would they go and do a thing like that? They’re supposed to be targeting our engines.
Baque - It’s all your stupid Orbs. The radiation is interfering with their targeting scanners.
Righteous - Hey, leave the Orbs out of this.
Baque - They’re the whole point of the conversation!
WHAM! Ship lurches violently, sparks and debris. Science console explodes. Bios walks onto the bridge.
Bios - What?! I just fixed that console!
Stoner - That’s probably why it’s broken.
Greaser - Engineering to Bridge, we’ve got coolant leaks down here.
Camera is in Engineering.
Greaser - You and you, seal those leaks. You, charge up the secondary deflector, I’ve got a feeling we’ll need it. You, keep those conduits from rupturing. And you, replace those damaged gel packs up there. I’ll stand over here where it’s safe.
The engineering crew look at each other in terror. Finally they decide that it’s safer to do their dangerous tasks than to face Greaser, for hell hath no fury like that of an angry Bolian.
No-Name #7 - I’d better get paid good for this.
He says as he walks into a cloud of corrosive warp coolant... and dies a painful slow death, of course.
Back to the Bridge...
Center - This is odd, I’m detecting Breen life signs as well as Human on that ship.
Senseless - They must have taken prisoners.
Center - Are the prisoners supposed to outnumber the crew 20 to one?
Senseless - Well, maybe they have really good security guards.
He shoots and angry glare at Genocide.
Baque - Warp drive is offline!
Bios pulls her head out of her damaged console.
Bios - Oh sorry. That time it was me.
Center - They’re still targeting our warp core, Captain.
Righteous - Okay, I guess maybe we should return fire now.
Senseless - No... ya think? Mr. Genocide, fire at will!
Genocide - God, I love my job.
The Celestial empties its aft torpedo launcher into the now Breen ship.
Genocide - Turn the ship around and face them. Loading forward torpedo launchers.
Senseless - You know, there are such things as phasers.
Genocide - I know, but this is more fun. YE-HAW!
Beep! Genocide slams his hand down on the wrong button. The main deflector goes offline and disconnects from the ship. As Baque turns the Celestial, the massive deflector floats out the front of the ship and crashes into the Police Cruiser, destroying both.
Baque - You idiot!
Genocide - Oops. Hey, it’s not like we needed that or anything. I mean, it was just taking up space and all, right? Someone please say right?
Greaser - Greaser to bridge, what the hell happened?
Senseless - One word: Genocide.
Greaser - Oh, that explains it. Greaser out.
Righteous - Advise Starfleet that we need a new deflector. Divert power to the secondary deflector and resume course.
Baque - Ah, Captain? What is our course? After our encounter with the Saratoga I just kept going in a straight line. What were our orders?
Righteous - Our orders, well let’s see...
Righteous picks up a PADD.
Righteous - Our orders are “go to hell.” Guess that means... Helm, set course for the Breen home world.
Senseless - Yep, I’m going to die here.
Righteous - Nonsense, Senseless. Oh yeah, sacrifice time. All senior staff report to the Mess hall.
Scene 11 - Mess hall. About 30 crew members are present, mostly Bajorans, along with all the senior staff.
Righteous - Blah blah (long speech about religion.) Bring in the sacrifice!
Genocide wheels in a cage. Inside is a terrified Binky who has wet himself repeatedly. Genocide opens the cage, grabs Binky and slams him down on a table in front of Righteous. Over in a corner Senseless is banging his head against the wall.
Bios turns to Greaser.
Bios - Did you make a new main deflector?
Greaser - Yeah, I tore apart some shuttles and used their parts. Don’t worry, shuttles are easy to replace.
Righteous raises a butter knife above Binky.
Righteous - Due to budget cuts, we can’t afford the ceremonial ruby-studded dagger.
With a yell, Righteous brings the knife down and—
WHAM! Ship rocks, sparks.
Binky is thrown across the room as the ship shakes and the butter knife goes through the cardboard table.
Righteous - We also can’t afford tables, or inertial dampeners for that matter.
Intercom - All hands, battle stations!
Senseless - Leave the targ alone and get to your stations. Talk about timing.
Binky calms down for a moment until he sees a phaser blast hit the shields in front of the mess hall windows.
Scene 12 - Bridge. The senior staff stumble out of the turbolift and take their stations.
Genocide - We’re under attack!
Baque - Thank you, Lieutenant-Commander Obvious!
Genocide - Hey, two wrongs don’t make a right, they just make war.
Baque - Oh so what did we ever do to the Dominion?
Genocide - During a heated negotiation someone said “your mom” to a Founder.
Senseless - Hello? If you two are done contemplating the meaning of life, would one of you be so kind as to enlighten us as to who is attacking us?
Genocide - Several Breen warships.
Righteous - Now why would Breen be attacking us here?
Senseless - Oh, I don’t know... maybe it has something to do with the fact that we’re in Breen space?
Righteous - How’d we get here?
Senseless - You ordered us here, moron. God, you’re so stupid you make the Pakleds look like the Q!
Righteous - Well, isn’t this a dilly of a pickle!
Senseless - That’s it! I’m getting off this ship!
Senseless runs into the Captain’s ready room and opens the escape pod hatch.
Senseless - I’ve got a better chance of surviving out there with the Breen than on one of the Federation’s most powerful warships!
Righteous - Starship, Commander, starship.
Senseless - ARGG! Oh and I’m taking the targ!
Senseless grabs Binky who somehow got onto deck one and climbs into the pod and hits the eject button.
Center - Well, it’s safe to say he’s dead.
Genocide - Actually no. While you guys were b***hing at each other, I took the liberty of destroying the Breen ships. Those WHAMs you heard were the result of Lieutenant Baque not paying attention and flying us through the debris field.
Baque - You know what? I think I hate you more than I hate Ensign Center.
Center - What! Now I’m not popular. Damn it.
Righteous - All senior staff report to the briefing room. We need to decide who gets to be the new Commander.
Genocide - Wouldn’t that be my job?
Righteous - Actually I was thinking more of Ensign Center.
Center - Ha! I get to outrank you guys!
Righteous - I was thinking more of just giving you the position of XO and leaving you at the same rank.
Center - Damn it. Foiled again.
No-Name #8 laughs. Genocide give her the evil eye.
No-Name #8 - Ya, ya. I’ll do it.
No-Name #8 shoots herself.
Righteous - Well ain’t that a kick in the crotch.
Baque - No this is a kick in the crotch!
This time there are no no-names to restrain him.
Scene 13 - Sickbay. The Celestial is repairing after the battle. Bios is fixing the sickbay door.
Bios - Hey doc, hold this while I screw it into the door motor.
Puker - Damn it Bios, I’m a doctor, not a door hinge.
Bios - Computer, activate the EMH.
EMH - Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
Bios - This door has a severe dislocation of the upper and lower runners.
EMH - What’s the status of your doctor?
Bios - Still a dumbass.
The EMH helps fix the door while Bios curses under her breath.
Scene 14 - Strange new world. Camera shows an escape pod crashed in a swamp. Inside...
Senseless is smashing Binky against the pods door.
Senseless - Why - WHAM! - won’t - WHAM! - this - WHAM! - door - WHAM! - open - WHAM! - CRASH!
The door finally gives way and Senseless gets out and sinks knee deep into the swamp.
Senseless - Good thing my uniform is stain proof.
Senseless grabs Binky by the tail (the only part of him that isn’t submerged) and starts off in a random direction.
Senseless - Oh, yeah. Equipment.
He turns around in time to see the top of the pod sink beneath the swamp.
Senseless - Damn it! God damn it!
Binky squirms and tries to get away.
Senseless - First I’m going to make you a leash.
Senseless pulls a vine off a nearby tree, along with several birds’ nests full of eggs, which Binky eats while Senseless puts on the leash.
Senseless - I wish I had a tricorder.
Binky goes into a convulsion and barfs up a tricorder from Voyager and a Type II Phaser from the Celestial.
Senseless - Great! Now all we have to do is walk all over the planet and hope that Breen space is invaded by the Federation so we can be rescued. Damn it. Why can’t escape pods have warp drive?
Scene 15 - Briefing room, USS Celestial. All senior staff are sitting around the table.
Righteous - First, pray to the Prophets. Blah, blah, blah...
On one side of the table Baque and Center are having a mercy fight and on the other side Greaser and Stoner are bi**h-slapping each other. Bios is re-assembling the briefing table’s built-in computer and Dr. Puker is performing open heart surgery on a no-name.
No-Name #2 - Doc, the splinter’s in my finger, not my liver.
Righteous - Blah, blah–hey!
Everyone puts their hands together and bows their heads.
Righteous - Blah, blah, amen. Okay. Genocide, you’re the new XO.
Center - I thought I was.
Righteous - The Prophets disagreed.
Genocide - Who’ll be the tactical officer?
Righteous - Good question. Ummmm... You there! No-Name! How much do you know about phasers?
No-Name #2 - What’s a phaser?
Righteous - Excellent! You’re the new chief security officer.
Baque - Does that mean we can’t “accidentally” kill him?
Righteous - You betcha. You there, I hereby promote you to the rank of Lieutenant. Here’s your name tag.
No-Name #2 (a.k.a. Lieutenant Tener) - Yeah! Score! Go me.
Righteous - Well if that’s all, get back to work!
Two no-names at the door misunderstand the command and pick up Baque and carry him onto the bridge.
Genocide - Assholes!
Righteous - Note to self: Install weapon dampeners throughout ship.
Baque - OW! Hey, that floor’s hard!
Center - Captain, there is a priority one communication for you from Admiral Spot.
Righteous - I’ll take it in my ready room.
Righteous walks to his ready room and activates his view screen, which has been patched up with duct tape.
Righteous - Hello, ma’am. How’s everything on Earth?
Spot - meow hiss purr (It’s still raining and now my house is leaking.)
Righteous - Maybe you should move to another planet, like Ferenginar.
Spot - meow (Asshole.)
Righteous - I lost Commander Senseless.
Spot - meow purr (Good job, asshole.)
Righteous - You’re looking well today, ma’am.
Spot - meow hiss hiss purr meow (I’m soaking wet! What the hell does that have to do with anything anyway? Just go find Commander Senseless.)
Righteous - By the way, what were our orders?
Spot - meow hiss purr (They were “go to hell.” I was kidding. You didn’t have any orders. You were supposed to stay at the location the Saratoga was at and wait until the almighty Federation Council decided what to do with you.)
Righteous - Oops. Um, we’re still at war with the Breen, right?
Spot - purr (Actually, the peace talks have been going quite well, why do you ask?)
Righteous - Oh, no reason. I’ll... I’ll go find Senseless. Righteous out–
spot - HISS (YOU DID WHAT!?! If you fire on one more Breen ship, I’ll come over and claw you up!)
Spot hits her comm off button so hard that Righteous’ screen falls out of the wall revealing a small cavity where it used to be.
Righteous - Hey! I found my missing sock!
Scene 17 - Righteous walks onto the bridge.
Righteous - Okay, children of the Prophets.
Genocide - Remind me to destroy the wormhole.
Baque - Remind me to become more atheist.
Bios - Remind me to fix the self-destruct system.
Righteous - Remind me who’s in charge here?
Everyone shuts up.
Righteous - That’s better. Now, the Breen told us to get the f*** out of their space, and Starfleet told us to find Commander Senseless. It doesn’t take a hobo on the streets of a planet in the DMZ to figure out we have a problem. Whose orders should we follow?
Jeopardy! music, everyone is scratching their heads.
Tener - Why don’t we separate the ship and send one section back to Federation space and keep another section here to look for Commander Senseless?
Center - That’s not a half-ass bad idea!
Righteous - I knew he’d come in handy.
Tener beams with pride.
Righteous - Okay, Ensign Center, prepare to separate the saucer-section.
Stoner - Technically, it’s not a saucer. Call it the “forward section.”
Baque - How’d you get here?
Righteous - Excellent! Lieutenant Tener, take command of the stardrive section and report to Starbase 143.
Tener - Damn it!
Scene 18 - Battle bridge. Lieutenant Tener is sitting in the big chair looking pissed.
No-Name #7 - What’s our course supposed to be, sir?
Tener - Shut up.
No-Name #7 - Yes sir... What’s our course sir?
Tener shoots No-Name #7.
Tener - About time I’m allowed to do that.
Thanks to the angry lieutenant, no one’s flying the ship and the Celestial’s stardrive rear-ends a Federation cargo ship.
Tener - Ah, shit!
No-Name #8 - We’re being hailed.
Tener - On screen.
Tellarite - You’d better have insurance.
Tener (sweating) - Well, I’m not the captain... please don’t kill me.
No-Name #8 - Ah, sir? They’re unarmed and we’ve got a quantum torpedo launcher and two phaser arrays.
Tener - Oh yeah.
Tellarite - Well?
Tener - F*** you.
Tellarite - We’ve got Risan beets and we’re not afraid to use them!
Tener - We’ve got weapons and we’re not afraid to use them either.
Tellarite - Risan beets can be used as a weapon, but good point. Besides, it’s not like you did any damage or anything. We’ve still got one deck pressurized. Cargo ship out.
Tener - That was a close one. Damage report.
No-Name #8 - The paint’s scratched.
Tener - Ah, man! Genocide’s going to kill me! Oh wait a minute, I’m not a no-name anymore. Okay, Genocide’s going to kill you!
No-Name #8 - Crap.
Scene 19 - Planet. Senseless and Binky are strolling through a field. Senseless looks up and sees a bird diving at him.
Senseless - Oh no you don’t!
Senseless grabs Binky by the tail and uses him as a bat to hit the confused bird.
Wheee! WHACK! Caw! Gotch’ya!
Scene 20 - Mess hall, saucer section. Several no-names are having a bar fight. Genocide and Center enter.
Genocide - What the hell is going on?!?
No-Name #9 - He started it! (He points at No-Name #10)
Genocide - And I’m going to end it!
Genocide pulls out his phaser and–click!
Genocide - Hey! Why isn’t my phaser working?
Center - Captain Righteous had weapon dampeners installed on every deck.
Genocide - Great! So now, every time an enemy boards us, we just let them take over without a fight. Superb philosophy.
Genocide pulls a phaser compression rifle out of nowhere.
Center - That won’t work either.
Genocide - Wanna bet?
Center - Sure.
Genocide smashes No-Name #9 and 10 over the head repeatedly.
No-Name #10 - AH! This is the worst pain ever!
All of a sudden and for no reason, Worf materializes in the room holding a micro-torpedo launcher. He empties the clip and destroys everything in the room including the two no-names.
Worf - ENOUGH COMPLAINING! I NEED SLEEP! GOD DAMN IT!
Genocide and Center decide to leave before Worf reloads.
Scene 21 - Bridge. Present staff are Righteous, Genocide, Baque, Center, Bios, Stoner, and 3 no-names.
Righteous - What in the Celestial Temple was that?
Bios - Baque, pay attention! You hit another piece of Breen ship.
Righteous - Damage report please.
Center - GOOD LORD! The entire stardrive section has been destroyed!
Baque - Asshole.
Genocide - Jackass.
Stoner - Illogical bastard.
Bios - Where’s my hypospanner?
No-Name #11 - Cabbage?
No-Name #12 - Breen.
No-Name #13 - Stupid, unlucky #13.
Righteous - Dear Emissary...
WHAM! Ship rocks, sparks.
Center - That wasn’t supposed to happen.
Baque - Asshole.
Genocide - Jackass.
Stoner - Logical bastard.
Bios - Where’s my tricorder?
No-Name #11 - Cabbage?
No-Name #12 - Breen!
No-Name #13 - There is no way I’m going to live long...
Righteous - Amen.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
No-Name #12 - Breen! Breen! Bree–
Genocide - We heard you the third time! Shut up!
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Righteous - Why is my ship falling apart?
Baque - Because it’s your ship!
No-Name #12 - Breen!
Pzzzzzt! (From Genocide)
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Center - Engines are offline. Well, what do ya know?
Baque - Ah, sir? That planet is getting awfully big awfully fast!
The saucer section of the Celestial makes a nice new valley on the uncharted planet.
Scene 22 - Nothing’s happening so why the hell is this scene here?
Scene 23 - Stardrive section, battle bridge.
No-Name #14 - Sir, I’m picking up a distress signal from the USS Titanic. They say they’ve hit a comet.
Tener - Set a course.
No-Name #14 - Um, sir? They’ve floated inside Breen space.
Tener - Noted. Set a course, warp 9.
No-Name #14 - But the Breen said–
Tener - What the Breen don’t know won’t hurt them... or us. Lay in a course, crewman, or I’ll lay you out like a bear rug on the floor with my fist!
Scene 24 - Weird planet thingy. Senseless and Binky are sleeping around a glowing rock because they were too cheap to make a real fire. Senseless wakes up after hearing a loud bang.
Senseless - What was that? It sounded almost like a sonic boom!
Binky - WHEE! WHEE!
Senseless - Shut up!
Senseless cups his ear. In the distance he can hear muffled curses, yells, and several phaser blasts.
Senseless - I recognize that sound anywhere, it’s Genocide.
Binky freaks out and tries to run away.
Senseless - We’re going this way. I intend to be rescued.
Binky makes a weird questioning face.
Senseless - I left the ship because I hate Captain Righteous. With any luck he’ll be dead.
Senseless drags a squealing Binky off in the direction of the noise.
Scene 25 - Crashed saucer section. Outside on the hull, Baque is running for his life. Genocide climbs out of the broken mess hall (deck 3) windows and runs after him.
Genocide - You asshole! You’re supposed to watch where you’re flying the ship!
Baque - And you’re supposed to return fire!
On the Bridge...
Righteous - What am I going to do with those two?
Center - Sacrifice them to the Prophets?
Righteous - Damage report.
Center - Main power is offline, heavy damage to deck 11, engines are offline but repairable, and the paint’s scratched.
Righteous - Ah, man! Admiral Spot is going to kill me!
Scene 26 - Battle bridge.
No-Name #14 - Sir, we’re entering visual range.
Greaser walks onto the bridge.
Greaser - Visual range of what?
Tener - The USS Titanic is having some trouble.
No-Name #14 - He means they’re all going to die.
Greaser - USS Titanic? Never heard of it. Check the archives. And why is there a half dozen rolls of duct tape covering the forward hull?
No-Name #14 - Hey! Starfleet doesn’t mention anything about a USS Titanic. Oh, we hit a freighter.
Greaser - That’s what I thought, and what happened?!?
Tener - Well, ya see, it all started eight months ago in drydock when–
No-Name #14 - Large Breen fleet heading this way.
Tener - F***!
No-Name #14 - Huh? A large Romulan fleet is also heading this way.
Outside the ship, the Breen and Romulans pound the living hell out of each other.
No-Name #14 - There is also a Species 8472 fleet heading this way, and a Klingon fleet, and a Cardassian fleet.
Greaser - Great, we’re stuck in the middle of an interstellar rush hour.
There are so many ships that they keep colliding with each other.
Tener - If there’s a party and the Federation wasn’t invited... Starfleet Command’s going to hear about–
A large piece of a Bird-of-Prey grazes the Celestial along the place where the saucer section connects to the stardrive section.
Tener- Tener to Engineering, we’re going to need a lot more duct tape.
Greaser - Helm, get us the hell outta here. F*** orders, let’s go find the Captain.
A little while later...
The stardrive section drops out of warp at the edge of an uncharted system.
No-Name #15 (at Ops) - No sign of them, sir and ma’am.
Tener - If they’re at that party... Set up a search grid. They couldn’t have gone far with Genocide as Commander.
Scene 27 - Saucer section on planet.
Righteous - Power up the engines.
Center - Engines are still offline, sir.
Righteous - Who was supposed to fix them?
Center - Lieutenant Greaser.
Righteous - Where’s she?
Center - The stardrive section.
Greaser - What’s she doing there?
Center - Someone forgot to tell her that we were separating the ship.
An hour earlier...
Greaser is in a turbolift.
Greaser - DECK 1! DECK 1! BRIDGE!
Computer - Unable to comply.
Greaser - WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME?!
Computer - Please restate the question.
Center - Do you want me to assign Lieutenant Bios to the repair team, sir?
Righteous thinks for a minute.
Righteous - No, it’ll take less time to wait to be rescued.
Scene 28 - Senseless and Binky are wandering through a jungle.
Senseless - Okay. Genocide’s yelling is getting louder so we should be clo–
CLONG! Senseless gets hit in the head by a flying phaser.
Senseless - Yep, definitely getting close.
All of a sudden Baque runs through some trees and trips over a root, landing face first on Binky.
Senseless - What the hell are you doing here, Lieutenant?
Baque - Running for my life, shithead–I mean sir. What does it look like?
One by one, Genocide, Bios, Stoner, and Puker run out of the trees and trip over the same root, all of them piling on top of Binky. Genocide gets up and aims his phaser at Baque.
Senseless - That’s enough, Genocide.
Genocide - You can’t tell me what to do, we’re the same rank.
All of another sudden a shuttlecraft flies in and hovers over the small clearing. Righteous rolls down the window.
Righteous - I don’t remember promoting you.
Genocide - Drat, almost got away with it.
Righteous - Glad to see you, Commander.
Senseless - Life is cruel and unfair.
Puker - How’d you get that shuttle, the shuttlebay is in the stardrive section.
Righteous - Well, I was looking for my lost marbles when I found a Type 6 shuttlecraft folded up neatly behind my sofa.
Bios - Oh so that’s what that surge in the transporters was.
Righteous lands the shuttle.
Righteous - Hop in. We still have to get the half-ship to take off.
Senseless - Half? What happened?
Genocide - We separated the ship and sent the stardrive section back to Federation space and kept the saucer section here in Breen space to look for you.
Senseless - Figures. I leave and the whole ship falls apart.
Scene 29 - Battle bridge.
No-Name #15 - Sir, I’ve found them. Crashed on a planet.
Tener - Are they okay?
No-Name #15 - I think so, but their engines are offline. We’ll have to pull them into orbit.
Tener - Charge the tractor beam emitters.
On the hull of the saucer, several no-names are repainting the hull. Stoner is replacing the mess hall windows. The tractor beam locks on and the ship begins to lift off the ground.
Stoner - Ah oh.
Stoner climbs inside the ship and puts the last window pane in place, sealing the no-names outside.
No-Name #16 - Hey! What about us?
Stoner - Sorry. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
Stoner starts reading a PADD, every so often casually waving and smiling at the no-names who are banging on the windows and gasping for air.
Scene 30 - Main bridge.
Righteous - Mr. Baque, re-integrate the ship please.
Baque - Sure, why not? Baque to Tener.
Tener - Go ahead.
Baque - Coordinate your helm controls with me and line up for re-integration.
Tener - Got it.
The two sections line up and move together.
Baque - F***!
Righteous - Is there a problem?
Baque - Something’s jamming it. The mag-clamps aren’t close enough to engage.
Center - Deck 11 was damaged...
Tener - And we hit a freighter...
Baque - No, it’s something else.
Center - You hit a freighter?
Tener - You crashed the ship, so what? Lieutenant Baque, it’s not going to fit.
Baque - I’ll make it fit.
Little do they know, Binky the Mistreated Targ has somehow gotten between the two halves and is being flattened.
Baque - All available power to the engines. Activate the tractor beams.
Suddenly, Binky shoots out from between the two sections at greater-than-light speeds and flies through a temporal portal.
Baque - Re-integration complete, but we did a real number on the paint.
Scene 31 - Righteous is in his quarters dusting off his orb cases, all 15 of them.
Righteous - There. Finished. Computer, get me a secure channel to Admiral Spot.
The viewscreen, which is sitting on a stool next to the wall cavity it’s supposed to be in, activates showing Admiral Spot knee deep in water and looking very mad.
Spot - hiss (This had better be good.)
Righteous - It is, ma’am. I found Commander Senseless.
Spot - hiss purr. (Good, but not good enough.)
Righteous - I also need you to do me a favor. Well, we had a little trouble reintegrating the ship after the saucer section crashed on a planet and the stardrive hit a freighter so we need a new paint job.
Spot - YOU DID WHAT!?!
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Righteous - Well, um, ah...
Spot - hiss hiss meow hiss (You’re f***ing lucky that Captain Chakotay misunderstood my orders and put the USS Litterbox’s nacelles on backwards.)
Righteous - Ah, this is probably not the right thing to say right now, but we accidentally destroyed a Federation Police Ship.
Spot’s eyebrow is twitching and she is foaming at the mouth.
Righteous - It was full of Breen. I thought maybe you had an explanation to give before we all got court-martialed.
Spot - hiss hiss (I want you at Earth Spacedock ASAP, and I mean yesterday! Spot out!)
Spot hits her comm off button so hard that it causes all the plasma conduits on deck 5 to rupture. Righteous hits his cracked commbadge.
Righteous - Helm, set a course for Earth, and don’t spare the deuterium!
For hell hath no wrath like that of an angry cat.
Scene 32 - Engineering. The Celestial is at high warp and red alert.
Greaser - Come on, you twits, stop playing cards and get back to work.
Camera is in the brig...
Bios - Hey! Let me out!
Tener - Sorry, but we can’t take the chance you’ll break the warp core.
Camera is on the bridge...
Righteous - Helm, ETA?
Baque - 4 minutes.
Righteous - Not fast enough.
Senseless - Ops, shut down life support and divert all power to the warp drive.
Center - Don’t we need life support?
Senseless - Not if Admiral Spot kills us.
Baque - I’ve got Earth Spacedock on short range sensors.
Righteous - Prepare to drop out of warp as soon as we’re inside.
Several no-names look around terrified because that’s their only purpose in life: Filler.
Baque - All stop in 4... 3... 2... 1..--
Baque - ...More or less.
Camera is outside showing the Celestial wedged in between a Galaxy class ship and an Excelsior class ship.
Senseless - Great parking, Lieutenant.
Righteous - Who’s paying the parking fee–NOT ME!
Baque - Not me!
Center - Not me!
Genocide - Not me!
Stoner - Stoner to bridge, not me.
Puker - Puker to bridge, not me.
Greaser - Greaser to bridge, not me.
Tener - Tener to bridge, not me.
Senseless - Not me. Ha ha, no-names.
Righteous - Um, Commander? We don’t pay them enough to cover the damages to the Saratoga and the Citadel. Guess it’s up to you. May the Prophets bless you with low insurance rates.
Senseless - There are some things that even non-corporeal beings can’t do.
Genocide - Don’t count on low insurance rates, you were declared dead.
Righteous - No he wasn’t.
Genocide - Drat, almost.
Bios walks onto the bridge.
Bios - What did I miss?
Genocide - How the hell did you get out of the Brig?
Bios - Well, it all started a week ago when I was repairing the force field emitters and–
Center - Ask question, get answer.
Tener runs onto the bridge cursing about something.
Center - Sir, we’re receiving a transmission from Earth. It’s Admiral Spot.
Righteous - Brace yourselves ...On screen.
The viewscreen activates showing Spot who is wearing scubagear and looking really pissed off.
Spot - purr meow purr (Ah, Commander Senseless, good to see you back and keeping that ship more or less in one piece.)
Senseless - Um, ma’am? Why is your house flooded?
Spot - hiss purr (Ah yes, that. I’ve got some bad news.)
Righteous - The wormhole didn’t open on time?
Spot - hiss meow meow (I wish. No, there is something wrong with Earth. According to those un-named Starfleet scientists, the entire climate is changing. Most of the planet is becoming a desert while a small area, namely my house is getting a million times more rain than usual.)
Righteous - That doesn’t sound natural.
Spot - hiss (It’s not. Something or someone caused this. Probably someone.)
Baque - Why is the entire universe out to get us?
Spot - (We think it’s the Breen, but we can’t be sure so we’re going to send our most advanced anti-Breen ship to get some answers.)
Righteous - Well, send Picard my regards.
Senseless - No, you idiot, she means us!
Righteous - I knew we’d come into this sooner or later.
Spot - (10 billion lives depend on you Captain, don’t screw this up.)
Righteous - Don’t worry ma’am, you can count on us. Um, what planet are we trying to save again?
Spot - (Great, I feel safer already. Spot out.)
Righteous - Helm, set a course for Breen space again. I’ll be in my quarters.
Baque - Celestial to Ops, open the f***ing doors.
Earth Spacedock’s space doors begin to open very slowly. Baque waits impatiently.
Baque - Hurry up assholes, I don’t have all day.
After a mere 30 seconds the doors have opened a whopping 10 meters.
Genocide - Oh screw this.
Genocide opens fire and destroys the doors.
Genocide - Lieutenant, full speed ahead.
The Celestial goes into full impulse, scraping against the Saratoga and the Citadel, doing a real number on all three ships’ paint jobs.
Scene 33 - Two hours later the USS Celestial drops out of warp near the planet that they had crashed on only a few hours ago.
Center - I’m detecting a large structure on the northern hemisphere. To answer your next question, no there are no life forms.
Righteous walks onto the bridge.
Righteous - Who what when where why?
Senseless - Due to Starfleet regulations and due to the delicate nature of this assignment, I think it’s only logical that I lead the away mission. Bios, come with me, Senseless to Stoner, bring some hypos and stuff to help people. Senseless to Tener, bring some no-names and stuff to hurt people.
10 minutes later, that away team, Senseless, Stoner, Bios, Tener and 4 no-names carrying phaser compression rifles materialize in a large cavern.
Tener - Wow! My first away mission where I don’t have to worry about getting killed!
Bios runs her trusty tricorder up and down. She points to one side of the cavern.
Bios - There. That wall is a fake.
Senseless - Hologram?
Bios - Yup.
Bios, Stoner, Tener and the no-names walk through the wall. Senseless starts walking and–
Bios - Hologram plus force field.
Bios does something and the hologram goes offline.
Senseless - What happened?
Bios - Don’t know. I was trying to make it more power efficient and it just broke.
The group walks down a long winding corridor, the officers looking calm and the no-names with the shit scared out of them, pointing their phaser rifles around as it expecting the rocks to attack them.
Tener - Guys, relax, there’s no danger here.
Just as he finishes, a large rock falls and crushes one of the no-names.
Tener - Then again, I have been known to be wrong on occasion.
They shrug it off and continue walking.
Bios - I’m picking up an energy reading ahead.
Senseless - Finally some excitement.
They round a corner and walk into a big room with lots of lights. The no-names are so scared now that they are shaking and keep accidentally firing off shots with their phaser rifles.
Tener - So much for the stealthy approach.
The door at the other end of the room as well as the one that they just entered slam shut and lock.
Senseless - Oh great. If you weren’t the only security guards I had right now I’d demote you all to the rank of deadman.
Bios - Commander, the oxygen supply to this room has been cut off. We’d better find a way out of here in the next four hours.
The no-names are freaked out and are breathing very rapidly, using up air.
Bios - Make that 10 minutes.
Senseless - Commander Senseless to Celestial, come in Celestial.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. (Busy signal)
Senseless - Of all the ways to cut expenses we had to chose to drop call waiting out of our subspace plan.
Stoner - There is one way to fix the problem.
Stoner vaporizes the three no-names.
Tener - What was that for?
Stoner - It was the logical thing to do.
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
Senseless - Who the hell could they be talking to?
Scene 34 - Bridge of the Celestial. Genocide, Baque, and Center are the only ones there. The viewscreen is showing a Breen guy.
Breen Commander - Éµ›œ™˜ŸžÞßñäå¢£.
Genocide - I bet you’re thinking, “Did he fire 39 quantum torpedoes, or 40.” You just have to ask yourself one question: Do ya feel lucky?
Breen Commander - #"%¤¥¶¾}*ÐØ§€@‰¿ßÕ×ý±°".
Genocide - Well, today’s your lucky day. You’ve just won a one way ticket to hell!
Beep! Wee, wee!
A quantum torpedo zooms out of the Celestial and misses the derelict Breen cruiser. Righteous walks onto the Bridge and Genocide quickly changes the viewscreen to show the aft view of the ship.
Righteous - What’s going on?
Genocide - Um, nothing. I’m just examining the damage to the nacelle pylons. You know we really ought to do something about that scratched paint.
Genocide is hitting buttons, firing the phasers in an attempt to destroy the Breen cruiser before Righteous gets smart, which is why Genocide is taking his time.
Righteous - Any word from the away team?
Genocide - I can honestly say no.
Righteous - Where are they?
Genocide - Not a clue.
Righteous - Aren’t you supposed to be tracking them?
Genocide - I thought Center was.
Center - I thought Bios was. Huh? Damn it! When did she leave?
Genocide - Idiot.
Center - Asshole. By the way, Captain, Lieutenant-Commander Genocide has just destroyed–
Genocide presses a button and Center’s console explodes.
Genocide - Oops. Wrong button. I was trying to blow up the console behind him.
Righteous - Medical emergency on the bridge. Genocide, we’ll talk about this at a later time.
Scene 35 - Planet
Senseless - Lieutenant Bios, I order you to find a way out of here.
Bios - Okay.
Bios picks up one of the dead no-name’s rifles and blows the far door to pieces.
Tener - Why didn’t we think of that sooner? We could have saved ourselves from attending three really boring funerals.
Senseless - Okay, ladies and Stoner, let’s go.
Tener and Stoner - Hey!
They walk down the newly opened corridor and end up in yet another big brightly room.
Tener - I can see that this is going to get annoying.
Senseless - I’ll try to raise the ship again. Senseless to Celestial.
Genocide - Celestial here.
Senseless - Finally! I’ve been trying to reach you for minutes!
Genocide - Sorry sir. We’ve been a little busy... um... surveying the damage to the ship’s paint.
Senseless - Well, there’s nothing usable here, unless we need we need some new light bulbs.
Genocide - Should I beam you up, sir?
Senseless - No... I want Ensign Center to do it. We’re heading back to the transport coordinates. Senseless out.
Scene 36 - Engineering. Everything is calm ad quiet save for the hum of the warp core. All of a sudden a loud yell pierces the silence.
Greaser - WHO THE F*** STOLE THE BIO-NEURAL GEL PACKS ON DECK 9!?!
The engineering crew scramble to put away their poker chips and make it look like they are working.
Greaser - Gel packs, people, I asked for the gel packs, all 19 of them. Where are they? Someone had better tell me or there are going to be some makeshift gel packs wearing gold uniforms. Has anyone seen the missing gel packs?
All the engineers - No ma’am!
Greaser - Oh good. Okay then. Back to work.
Greaser leaves. The engineering crew let out a sigh of relief.
Computer - Warning! Coolant leak on deck 16, 15, 14!
All the engineers - AHHHHHHH!
Scene 37 - Bridge. Baque and a no-name are the only ones present.
Baque - We’re orbiting a planet. This is a task even a no-name could do blindfolded. Why am I here?
No-Name #17 - The Captain said you had to stay here because you’re a threat to his sanity.
Baque - What sanity? Oh f*** this, I’m leaving.
Baque puts the ship into auto pilot and leaves through the turbolift.
Scene 38 - Bios walks into sickbay. About 30 no-names are inside looking burned and battered.
Bios - What the hell happened here?
Puker - Coolant leak in engineering. One of the main coolant tanks ruptured and flooded deck 15. Decks 14 and 16 were also affected. Ensign Center is with another group of bloody no-names in the mess hall. Ha, mess hall. Hey, these are no-names. Well, that explains why I’m so unmotivated to help them. I’ll go work on Ensign Center. Oh wait, he’s in his quarters. Well then...
Puker accidentally slices open a no-names neck with a laser scalpel.
Puker - Drat, I lose more no-names that way. This would be a lot easier if they would hold still.
Bios - Have you tried giving them Valium or something?
Puker - Damn it Bios, I’m a doctor, not a drug dealer.
Bios slaps her hand to her face as Doctor Puker mutilates more no-name-dime-a-dozen crew members.
Bios - Computer, activate the EMH.
EMH - Please state the–
Bios - Oh shut up. We’ve got lots of wounded.
EMH - What’s the status of your doctor?
Bios - I told you before, he’s a complete dumbass.
EMH - You’ll need to have a new doctor assigned to you as soon as–
Puker - Computer deactivate the EMH. Lieutenant, everything is under control.
He says as three no-names lying on the floor have heart attacks.
Scene 39 - Senseless is walking down a corridor giving fake smiles to no-names. Righteous rounds a corner and joins him.
Righteous - Good to see you, Commander.
Senseless - We didn’t find anything but death and an old abandoned automated warehouse. And I still can’t find my contact lenses. I could have sworn I told Genocide to let Ensign Center to operate the transporter.
Righteous - Hmmm. Why am I just hearing about this now?
Senseless - Because I had a bad itch..
Righteous - What was that?
Senseless - Um, ah, you’re a stupid son of a b**ch. All senior staff report to the briefing room.
10 minutes later, all senior staff are seated around the briefing table, except Righteous who is off praying.
Senseless - Okay, engineering, report.
Greaser - The coolant leak appears artificial in nature. I sealed it and we have warp drive again. The coolant tanks are still under warranty so we should have no trouble getting them replaced. Also possibly related, 19 bio-neural gel packs have disappeared from deck 9. And there’s practically no paint left on the underside of the saucer section.
Senseless - Medical?
Puker - 49 people were injured, 48 died. Ensign Center was number 49. The bad news is that there is a bad cold circulating through the ship.
Senseless - Oh, so our crew count is what now? 592? Scrub it. Science.
Bios - I did a through analysis of the planet’s surface. If something is affecting Earth, it didn’t originate here. I suggest we look elsewhere.
Senseless - Lieutenant Baque, where’s the nearest planet?
Baque points out the window.
Genocide - Asshole, he meant the next nearest planet.
Baque - So did I. Wait... OH SHIT! Computer, all stop!
Senseless - Check that off the to-do list. Tactical, report.
Genocide - We’re out of quantum torpedoes, but we’ve got plenty of photons and phasers. I can probably replicate some more quantums with Bios’ help.
Senseless - Do what you need to do, and only what you need to do. Is that clear? Good. Everyone dismissed.
Center - Commander and Bios, could you please join me in the astrometrics lab?
Senseless - I didn’t know we had an astrometrics lab.
A few minutes later, Senseless, Center, and Bios enter the large lab, with an enormous curved wall in front of a console.
Bios - Computer, activate the astrometrics screen.
A small overhead projector pops out of the console and turns on, filling about one quarter of the big screen. Center places a coloured plastic sheet on the projector and adjusts the focus.
Center - We are here.
He points to a section of the screen.
Center - And Earth is here. There are several residual ion trails here. Three of them are ours, but two are Breen. They lead to this planet over here.
Bios - What course should Mr. Baque set?
Center - Hold on.
Center takes a PADD and starts writing down numbers and equations.
Senseless - You could get the computer to do that.
Center - I used up all of my think credit getting the computer to help me in a chess game against Captain Righteous. There, got it. 3314 mark 48.
Senseless - Lieutenant, get this to Baque. I still can’t believe that we don’t have a wide screen LCD screen.
Center - We did until a few hours ago. It broke for no reason.
Bios - You know it might work if we weren’t on deck 9.
Senseless - Hmmm. Oh and Bios, I want you and Ms. Greaser to find out why everything is screwing up around here.
Bios - Yeah, yeah. Take the coordinates to Baque, replicate torpedoes with Genocide, Fix stuff with Greaser, run analyses, don’t break the warp core. Why am I stuck with all the work around here?
Scene 40 - Bridge.
Baque - Oh give me a hooome, where the tribbles do rooooam, and the komodos and iguanas do plaaaay! Where seldom is–
Genocide - WOULD YOU SHUT UP! YOU’RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!
Baque - I think it’s a late for that.
Genocide - Huh?
Baque - Um, Admiral Spot is a little cat. Um, I’m going to start scanning the planet’s surface for energy readings.
Beep beep beep, beep beep beep, beep beep beep.
Genocide - Ah oh. Two Breen warships on an intercept course. They were hiding behind that moon thing over there. They are charging weapons. Now it’s fun time. Red alert. All hands, battle stations!
Baque - Taking evasive action.
Righteous, Senseless, Stoner, Bios, and Center materialize on the bridge and take their stations.
Baque - Something wrong with the turbolift?
Senseless - Probably. Report.
Genocide - We’re under attack from two Breen battleships. Wait, make that four. Two more coming up from the planet’s surface.
Senseless - Target the lead ship. Attack pattern Delta 7. Take out their weapons.
Center - Long range sensors have just picked up 6 more Breen ships heading this way.
Senseless - We should try to get away. Your orders Captain? Captain?
Righteous is praying.
Senseless - Sir, now it a really bad time to–
Righteous - WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE! And join the Prophets. Yippie!
Senseless - Okay, that’s it!
Righteous slumps in his chair counting the tweeting birdies flying around his head.
Senseless - I should have done that a long time ago.
WHAM! Ship rocks, sparks.
Senseless - Center, is there anywhere to hide?
Center - There is a Mutara Class nebula about a hundred million kilometers from here.
Senseless - Mr. Baque, set a course, now.
Baque - Why don’t you ask politely?
Senseless - I’d love to, if we weren’t all ABOUT TO BE VAPORIZED! STEP ON IT!
The Celestial flies into the bright purple nebula.
Genocide - They’re not pursuing. Wait, they’re firing one last shot. It’s a big one! Ohhhh shitttt!
SMASH! Weep, weep, weep.
Center - Main power is offline. Weapons, shields, engines, sensors down as well. Life support is fluctuating and doesn’t look good.
Righteous - (groan) What’d I miss?
Center - We’re dead in the water... um... gas.
Senseless - What was that?
Center - Some kind of energy dampener weapon.
Senseless - So this is what destroyed the Fourth Fleet.
Baque - Why aren’t they coming in to finish us off?
Bios - From what we know about Breen life support systems, which amounts to nothing, I don’t think they work in Mutara gas.
Boom, ship rocks, no sparks.
Righteous - And that was...?
Genocide - A tri-cobalt torpedo detonated just off the starboard aft.
Genocide - Another one directly in front of us. They’re firing depth charges.
Righteous - “Depth” is a religions word.
Baque - Since when?
Greaser - Greaser to bridge, come in bridge.
Senseless - Bridge here.
Greaser - Oh good, that useless no-name finally got the comm system back online.
Senseless - Report, lieutenant.
Greaser - It doesn’t look good down here. We had a huge antimatter leak. Then something else exploded but I was too busy to look. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life.
Senseless - Coming from you that’s quite a statement. How many casualties do you have?
Greaser - I don’t know. I meant blood from me. Man this paper cut really hurts!
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Genocide - They’ve calculated our trajectory. Damn them and their top-of-the-line computers.
Center - Yeah, why did we get stuck with an old useless main computer?
Computer - Crewman Donalds is in his quarters.
Senseless - Ms. Greaser, get those engines back.
Greaser - This would be a lot easier if the damn warp core worked.
Senseless - Mr. Baque, if we opened the ventral plasma ducts and vented the excess plasma into space, would we have enough momentum to move us away from this hell hole?
Baque - 90% chance of failure, 75% chance of death, and a very small chance of getting out of here in one piece... opening plasma ducts!
The Celestial floats upward out of the line of fire.
Righteous - Excellent work, people. I’ll be in my quarters.
Genocide - Oh, um. Hull breach on deck 4.
Senseless - There is?
Genocide presses a button, boom.
Genocide - There is now.
Senseless - Lieutenant Bios, analyze that weapon, try to find a defense–
Righteous is standing on the glowing bridge of the Celestial. All the panels are showing pictures of the Bajoran wormhole. Captain Sisko walks into view.
Righteous - Emissary! I knew I’d be picked someday, I knew I was worthy! This is a great honor–
Sisko - Shut up.
Righteous - Yes sir.
Sisko - None of us could decide on what point in time to tell you this, so we drew straws. This is probably a little late to tell you this, but the Breen are threatening the Alpha Quadrant and the Celestial Temple.
Righteous - What?! Let me at ‘em. I’ll kick their bloodless asses!
Sisko - I can’t believe I died for this!
Righteous - I’ll give them the old one two.
Sisko - The sooner I say this, the sooner I can send you back. That energy weapon can affect the Prophets. If the Breen fire it into the wormhole, we won’t be able to stop the Dominion from entering the Alpha Quadrant. And believe me, no one will want to stick around when they see the number of ships that the Dominion has parked next to the wormhole on the other side.
Righteous - But the Founder said...
Sisko - You obviously can’t trust a Founder as far as you can pour one. They lied. Plain and simple.
Righteous - I’m confused...
Sisko - Not simple enough. Try this: Breen get to Bajor, everyone dies.
Righteous - Could you tone it down a bit, I’m not a rocket scientist.
Sisko - You’re a Starfleet officer, close enough! Jesus Christ! Just tell all of this to Commander Senseless. Your god has spoken. Obey me!
Senseless - —to it. Captain? Is something wrong?
Righteous tells Senseless everything. When he finishes silence fills the bridge. Some no-names at the back look terrified because that’s all they’re good for: Filler.
Greaser - Greaser to bridge, power should be returning... now.
Senseless - Mr. Baque, set a course for Bajor, maximum warp.
Baque - But there’s enemy ships out there!
Senseless - There’ll be a lot more if we don’t stop the Breen. Mr. Genocide, get ready to fight.
Genocide - Finally.
The Celestial leaves the nebula, plows through the Breen ships and goes to warp.
Center - We’re through, but there is absolutely no paint left on the starboard nacelle pylon.
Scene 41 - Federation Council Headquarters. Admiral Spot walks into another Admiral’s office.
Spot - meow (dry at last)
Admiral #1 - You ready?
Spot - purr meow (Let’s get this over with.)
They both leave the room and walk down a hallway.
Admiral #1 - This sucks! First the Borg destroy my yacht, then they destroy my flagship, then the Breen attack Earth and destroy my office, and now my house is so dry that when you turn on the tap nothing comes out.
Spot - hiss (lucky you.)
The two Admirals enter a big, decorated office.
Admiral #1 - Mr. President, we’ve got good news and bad news.
Spot - meow (The good news is that this climate change is only temporary. Things should be back to normal in a week or so.)
Admiral #1 - The bad news is that this was only designed to take our attention away from the Breen’s real plans. We just got word from the Celestial. The Breen intend to force open the wormhole, allowing a flood of Dominion ships to storm into the Alpha Quadrant.
Spot - hiss (We’ve ordered every Federation starship to rendezvous at Deep Space Nine in an attempt to fight off the massive Breen fleet that is right now heading for the wormhole. I personally notified Chancellor Martok, Gul Garak, and the Romulan Senate of the situation and they’ve dispatched all of their ships that currently aren’t part of that weird interstellar demolition derby thing that’s going on outside Breen space for some reason.)
Admiral #1 - It doesn’t look good. If even one Breen ship fires its energy dampener weapon into the wormhole, it’s game over for the Federation. What are your thoughts on this, Mr. President?
The Federation president turns his chair to face the Tellarite and the Feline. He stands us and opens a drawer, pulls out a phaser, and puts it to his head.
President - F*** this, I quit!
Admiral #1 and Spot look at each other.
Admiral #1 - We probably should have broken the news to him a little more sugar coated.
Spot - hiss meow (Ah man! Command is going to be pissed!)
Scene 42 - Briefing room. All senior staff are sitting down except Righteous, who is running around in the corridor that runs behind the Bridge connecting the Briefing room and Captain’s Ready Room.
Righteous - THEY’RE GOING TO HURT THE PROPHETS! AHHHH!
Senseless - Okay, just ignore him. Engineering, report on the condition of this rust bucket.
Stoner - Since there is no air in space, the metal cannot oxidize. Also, there is only minute traces of iron in the tritanium alloy, hardly enough to constitute rust.
Senseless and Puker stare at her.
Senseless - The last time I went over the duty roster, your name wasn’t under the Engineering section. Greaser, report.
Greaser - The bloody ship is broken and there isn’t a damn thing me or any of my underpaid people can do about it, so f*** off!
Baque - Underpaid and overworked. Bad combination, Commander.
Senseless - Lieutenants, the bloody ship is broke and there isn’t a damn thing me or any of my over-criticized people can do about it, so f*** you! Science!
Bios - I’ve analyzed the Breen weapon. Sisko was right. For a dead guy he sure knows a lot about Breen weapons and wormhole physics.
Senseless - Is there any way to protect the wormhole?
Bios - Oh sure. The obvious thing to do is to construct defensive platforms around the mouth of the wormhole. However, since we only have five hours, I suggest that Colonel Kira stop praying, get off her lazy ass and actually make DS9 fire back for once.
Senseless - That may not be enough. Is there anything else we can do?
Bios - If we were to fire a tricobalt torpedo into the wormhole and detonate it, the residual tricobalt energy should disrupt any dampening weapons.
Senseless - How long have you known that?
Bios - Ten seconds, why?
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Senseless - All hands, battlestations.
Genocide - Score!
Genocide takes off at full speed for the door, knocking over Puker and Stoner. The door doesn’t open fast enough and he plows through it, ripping half the adjoining bulkhead to pieces.
Righteous - Report, and bring me breakfast.
Center - Four Breen dreadnoughts firing torpedoes, and what would you like sir?
Righteous - Helm, drop out of warp and engage evasive action Omega 2, and I want crumpets and a cinnamon bagel, hold the bagel.
Center - Coming up sir.
Genocide - Shields are offline!
Bzzzzt! Three Breen materialize on the Bridge. The no-names heroically draw their weapons and are the first to be shot. The senior staff somehow manage to fend off the Breen warriors.
Genocide - One of their ships has dropped shields.
Tener - Lieutenant Tener to bridge, there are 150 Breen troops on the ship. They’re trying to get to engineering.
Senseless - Genocide, fire some quantum torpedoes at that defenseless ship and then go help Tener kill some enemies.
Genocide - With pleasure, sir. God, I love my job.
Scene 43 - Deck 15. Genocide and Tener are outside Engineering trying to fend off about 30 Breen soldiers.
Tener - We can’t hold them off! And my phaser is almost out of charge.
Genocide - I’ve got a brilliant idea!
Greaser - That’s a first.
Greaser goes back to work and Genocide turns and smashes one of the nearby no-names in the face.
No-Name #17 - AH! THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER!
Worf materializes in a small tank behind the bleeding no-name.
Worf - ENOUGH COMPLAINING! I’M TRYING TO SLEEP! GOD DAMN IT!
Worf fires and a ship-sized pulse phaser goes right through the no-name and vaporizes the Breen. Bzzzt. Worf is gone.
Tener - I lose more security guards that way.
Scene 44 - Bridge.
Senseless - Bridge to engineering, now would be a really good time to re-engage the warp drive.
Greaser - Oh, right. Forgot about that.
Senseless - ARGG! Mr. Baque, set a course for DS9, maximum warp.
Baque - F*** you.
Senseless - Lieutenant, I’m not in the mood for this.
Baque - Engaging warp.
The ship starts to shake.
Baque - We’re at warp 9.91, .92, .93.
Center - Structural integrity is failing and we’re losing paint.
Senseless - Tactical, target their deflector dishes.
Center - How’d you know they were matching our speed?
Senseless - They always manage to. Fire!
Bzzzt! Genocide materializes on the bridge.
Genocide - Did someone say “fire?”
Genocide gives the no-name at tactical the finger. The no-name leaves and Genocide takes his station.
Genocide - Their deflector dishes are gone, but what’s the point of destroying that part?
Senseless - Wait for it...
Center - They’re entering weapons range!
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Senseless - Wait for it...
Righteous - What the hell is–
Senseless - (to the ceiling) BOY I SURE HOPE NO MORE PAINT FALLS OFF THE HULL!
The remaining paint chips off and puts shuttle-sized holes into the Breen dreadnoughts.
Senseless - Reverse psychology.
Center - I’ve got DS9 on short range.
Righteous - Prepare to drop out of warp.
Baque - I’ll do it in a minute... yeah, yeah, all stop in 5... 4... 3... OH SHIT!
S C R A P E ! ! !
Center - Um, good news, there’s no paint left to scratch. Bad news, there are a few hull plates missing off the Saratoga.
Bridge of the Saratoga...
Farfetched - DAMN IT! OH MY F***ING GOD DAMN SON OF A BI**H SH*T!
Bridge of the Celestial...
Righteous - Any sign of the Breen fleet?
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Center - Um, yup.
Senseless - Coordinate our attacks with the USS Saratoga, USS Citadel, and the USS Unlucky.
The hundreds of Federation, Cardassian, Klingon, and Romulan ships battle it out with the Breen while cool war music plays in the background.
Center - Direct hit to the shuttlebay, doors are fused.
WHAM! An Eximus class ship grazes shields with the Celestial.
Genocide - A Breen ship just fired a dampening torpedo at the wormhole.
Senseless - Baque, set a collision course for that torpedo!
Baque - Give me–
Senseless - This is one order you’d better not waste time questioning!
Baque - Course set and engaged.
Senseless - All hands, brace for impact!
Center - That one came from behind us. All systems are offline!
Baque - We’re entering the wormhole, right behind the torpedo.
Righteous - We’ll be with the Prophets soon.
The wormhole opens and the Celestial flies inside.
Baque - The torpedo has detonated. We’ll exit in a few seconds.
The other side of the wormhole opens up and the Celestial comes out. A great big welcoming party is there to meet them.
Center - Good god! Captain, there are over 30,000 ships here!
Genocide - Good, I can’t miss.
Center - Wait, we’re being hailed.
Senseless - On screen. Mr. Genocide, hold your fire.
Genocide - Damn it.
Weyoun - Oh f*** no, they did not just re-open the wormhole, did they?
Righteous - I thought you were dead.
Weyoun - Long story. Oh and tell the Breen to leave us alone. We do not want to purchase a Founder-damned refrigerator! We don’t care how long the warranty is! ARRGG!
Genocide - If you’re not going to invade, why are there so many ships here?
Weyoun - It’s our annual company picnic. All the Jem’Hadar show up with their families–ah–clones and have a cook out over an open star. It’s really quite fun. We’ll remember to invite the Federation next year. So until then, good bye.
Greaser - Greaser to bridge, I’ll fix the engines on one condition. I want a paid shore leave!
Scene 45 - The Celestial is in Earth Spacedock getting repainted along with the Saratoga and what’s left of the Citadel. The senior staff are in the mess hall.
Puker - Well as I always say, all’s well that ends well.
Tener - What!?! How can you say that? 351 ships were destroyed by the Breen, the president is dead, Admiral Spot has pneumonia, and our ship is so badly damaged that Starfleet is dipping into our salaries to pay for damages. We’ve also lost over 200 crew members.
Puker - Yess... but look on the bright side, we’re still alive!
Tener - Good point.
The two slang their beer mugs together and chug them down as a no-name walks in.
No-Name #13 - Hey, it’s me again. I know, I should be dead, but those stupid weapons dampeners prevented my suicide.
Another no-name walks in.
No-Name #11 - Um, sir? The paint’s dry and we’re ready to leave Spacedock.
Righteous - Okay, guys, let’s launch this shiny new ship.
Stoner - Technically it’s the same “old” ship, just with a new coat of paint.
They all walk onto the bridge and take their stations.
No-Name #13 - OH SCREW IT! Genocide, you’re an asshole.
Genocide punches No-Name #13 and breaks his nose.
No-Name #13 - ARGG! This is the worst pain ever!
Worf - Okay, who said it?!
No-Name #13 is clutching his nose and No-Name #11 looks scared shitless.
Worf - Warg!
Slice! Worf decapitates No-Name #11.
Righteous - Mr. Baque, take us out, one quarter impulse.
S C R A P E ! ! !
Baque - F**k!
Righteous - May the Prophets forgive us.
Senseless - Someone just shoot me.
Stoner - I fail to see the logic in that action.
Center - Here’s your breakfast, Captain.
Genocide - God, I love my job.
Bios - Oops. Hope that wasn’t important.
Greaser - Why does everybody hate me!?!
Puker - Open wide!
Tener - Splinter doc, splinter.
Binky - Wheee!
Farfetched - Jackasses.
Spot - Meow (Damn it.)
Worf - I NEED SLEEP! DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!