Episode 2: “Inspections for Dummies”
Written by Swordtail
Scene 1 - Baque and Greaser walk into the mess hall full of no-names.
Baque - Marijuana?
Greaser - Yup. It increases that efficiency of the warp core by 30%. Unfortunately, it also makes the crew high.
Baque - Really now.
They walk up to a replicator.
Greaser - I’ll buy. What do you want?
Baque - I’ll have whatever you’re having.
Greaser - Are you sure?
Baque - Yeah, I like to try new things.
Greaser - Okay... Computer, two glasses of hydrochloric acid.
Baque - Bolian, right. Strong mouth lining. I really should have paid attention during the Federation species course at the Academy.
The two sit down at an empty table. Greaser starts to guzzle her drink while Baque watches his melt through the table. All of a sudden the room starts to shake.
Greaser - Oh, perfect. Bios is f-ing with the inertial dampeners. It’s 06:00 and she’s already causing trouble. Looks like another eventful day in engineering.
Baque - Um, the shaking’s getting worse.
Greaser - Tell the Bridge to drop out of warp.
Baque - We’re not at warp!
Some no-names are crowding around the windows. Greaser and Baque walk over to see what’s going on. They look out and see a massive shockwave moving toward the ship.
Greaser - Holy mother of God!
Baque - S**t s*it sh*t *hit shi*!
WHAM! The mess hall windows shatter and some no-names are sucked out while Baque and Greaser hold onto a bolted down table. The emergency forcefields finally engage. The two officers get up and find that an awful stench has filled the room.
Greaser - Aw, man! Who ordered the Turbolax Surprise?!?
Righteous - Space... a dangerous frontier... These are the chronicles of the Warship Celestial. Its continuing mission,... to destroy strange, new worlds... to conquer new life, and hostile civilizations... To boldly fight what no one has fought before. ...Okay Genocide, I said it right. Now put down the phaser.
Scene 2 - Bridge. Baque, Greaser, and Stoner walk on. There are jets of plasma and some no-names are putting out fires on other no-names.
Senseless - Take your stations. I want a full damage report.
Greaser - Hull breaches on decks 3, 9, 10, 14, and 19. Forcefields are holding.
Righteous - Ensign Center, can you trace the shockwave back to its source?
Center - Nope.
Righteous - Do it anyway.
Center - Yes sir! Shockwave originated at bearing 331 mark 666.
Senseless - Helm, set a course, warp factor five. And Ops, increase power to the air filters. It really stinks in here.
A few minutes later the USS Celestial drops out of warp. An odd looking ship floats in front of them.
Righteous - What is that thing?
Center - Sensors can’t penetrate the hull, but the ship appears to be organic. I think it’s alive. It looks derelict. No engine power.
Righteous - Any life signs?
Baque - Did he not just finish telling you that sensors can’t penetrate the hull?
Senseless - Give me the dimensions of the ship.
Center - Twenty meters long, about 9 meters wide.
Senseless - I think we should pull it into the shuttlebay.
Righteous - I think we should destroy it because it conflicts with my belief system and–
Senseless - Say, isn’t it prayer time?
Righteous - S*it! Computer, site to site transport, me to my quarters, energize!
Senseless - Lieutenant Tener, report to the shuttlebay and bring weapons.
Scene 3 - Shuttlebay. A large group of no-names crowd around the orange, odd looking ship.
Senseless - Okay you social rejects, give it room–
A hatch opens and a tall, brown, three legged creature falls out. It begins speaking telepathically.
Species 8472 Alien - Oh good, fresh air at last.
The no-names freak out and run in circles. One of them craps his pants.
8472 Alien - Well, it was good while it lasted.
The no-names finally contain their excitement and aim their phasers at the intruder.
8472 Alien - I knew I should have hung a right at Galordon Core.
Pzzzt! Pzzzt! Pzzzt!
Scene 4 - Briefing room. Even Righteous is present.
Senseless - Okay ladies and gentlemen, I think we all know what the big question is.
Righteous - Yeah, man, how am I going to find a word that is an antonym for “fast?”
Senseless - Sir, could you please save your crossword for a rainy day?
Righteous - We’re on a starship. It never rains... oh, I see.
Senseless - Now, the big question is, how did a Species 8472 ship get into the Alpha Quadrant?
Baque - Well, you see, there are these amazing things called engines...
Bios - There must be a fluidic rift nearby.
Baque - And the bioship used its engines to go from there to here...
Senseless - Shut up or I’ll shove one of those engines up your ass. People, I need answers.
Righteous - Well, maybe this is a test sent to us by the Prophets.
Genocide - What if this is the beginning of an invasion, a prelude to war. Oh, I couldn’t be happier!
Stoner - Mr. Genocide may be correct. The bioship looks like a scout. Perhaps its mission is to map the Alpha Quadrant.
Greaser - Well, we’ll probably never know.
Puker is banging his head repeatedly against the table. Everyone looks at him.
Puker - Has it dawned on any of you that maybe we should just ask the ship’s owner?
Genocide - He’s dead, isn’t he?
Tener - Oh, about that. Well you all know how expensive phaser power packs are, so we decided to cut expenses and only use the low power stun setting.
Senseless - Are Starfleet’s ground troops implementing that same policy? Because that would explain why we’re losing our war with the Breen.
Righteous - The sooner our guest wakes up, the sooner we can determine if he’s a threat to my religion. Dismissed.
Scene 5 - Sickbay. Several no-names are crowding around the Species 8472 creature. One no-name in the corner is concentrating very hard on it.
8472 Alien - Huh? No–NO. I don’t–NO! I don’t want to purchase a central vac! NO!
It takes a swipe at the no-name and decapitates her.
8472 Alien - God damn telepaths.
Puker - Oh great! That was my last Betazoid. Thanks a lot. Those guys are hard to come by, you know!
Senseless, Righteous, Genocide, and Center walk in.
Center - Who sent you?!
8472 Alien - Your mama.
Center - Ah! Man! How many times does she have to remind me to brush my teeth. I’m 33, for Christ sake!
Senseless - Who are you?
The creature makes a weird sound that is so odd that Dr. Puker looks over to make sure a no-name laying on a biobed hasn’t gone into convulsions.
Center - Alright. For our sake and the sake of my log, your new name is Bob.
Senseless - What was that shockwave? A weapon?
Bob - My ship farted.
Senseless - Okay, that explains the smell. Computer, stand down turbo-laxative alert.
The brown flashing lights turn off and are replaced by the flickering of the cheap dollar store flourescent lights.
Genocide - If you’re kind thinks that you can invade the Alpha Quadrant, think again!
Bob - Can’t a being go for a Sunday fly anymore? Besides, we never had a beef with your species, only the Borg pissed us off.
Center - Then why did you fire on Voyager and then practice for an invasion of Earth?
Bob - Aw all you bipeds look the same. How are we supposed to tell you apart from the Borg?
Genocide - There’s the ship size for one.
Center - The Borg have cybernetic implants.
Righteous - Spiritual enlightenment versus technological perfection.
Bob - All valid points.
Center - Wow sir, those were really big smart sounding words!
Senseless - Sir, put down the dictionary, you’re embarrassing us all.
Righteous - Bob, your engines are damaged and your ship stinks. Would you like us to tow you to the nearest fluidic rift?
Bob - That would help. Oh, wait... ah oh.
Genocide - What?
Bob - The weak shall perish.
Genocide - Huh?
A loud fart sound fills the room.
Senseless - Aw, for crying out loud! All hands, Turbolax Alert!
Scene 6 - Mess hall. Greaser walks up to a replicator.
Greaser - Coffee, gray.
Replicator - Go to hell.
Greaser - Greaser to Bios, could you come take a look at one of the replicators in the mess hall? I think you need to dismantle–
Greaser - Never mind.
Greaser starts drinking as Senseless enters.
Senseless - Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time of year again.
No-Name #1 - Klingon Idol Finale?
No-Name #2 - Interstellar beer-drinking contest?
Senseless - No.
No-Name #1 - No-name day?
No-Name #2 - My birthday? Wait a tick, that was last year.
Senseless - No!
No-Name #1 - Free cake and ice cream day?
No-Name #2 - Kitty Appreciation Week?
Senseless - NO! NO NO AND NO! It’s inspection time. An admiral is on the way to assess the quality of the ship, and that means we’ve got to clean the Celestial up. Ah, Genocide, here you are.
The two no-names are shooting each other with phasers set on the lowest stun setting.
Senseless - Genocide, show them I mean business.
Genocide vaporizes No-Name #1 and 2. Senseless slaps his face.
Genocide - What!?!
Senseless - Genocide you twit, dead men don’t learn!
Greaser - Commander, do you know which admiral is to inspect us this year?
Senseless - All I know is that it’s a cat.--
He looks down at the smouldering pit that used to be No-Name #2.
Senseless –So yes, you were right, it is Kitty Appreciation Week. On the Celestial anyway.
Genocide - Oh great, Admiral Spot.
Senseless - No, it can’t be her. She’s off inspecting the Saratoga.
Greaser - Which one?
Senseless - All of them, and she’s not too happy about it. Genocide, please try to stop killing the crew for the next few days. I’ll give you unlimited holodeck time or whatever you need.
Greaser - I’ll go purge the plasma ducts.
Genocide - I’ll go test the weapons.
Senseless - And I’ll go lock Righteous in a storage closet for a while.
Scene 7 - Briefing room.
Senseless - Alright. Now that Captain Righteous is off praying we can actually get something done. Bob, the chairs are for sitting on, not eating! Christ. Okay, our reviewing officer is Admiral Nelix. From what I hear he has his head shoved up his ass. I really don’t think that Righteous can face off with someone that intimidating.
Center - I don’t know... Captain’s pretty dangerous when he’s backed into a corner.
Baque - Yeah, he goes to pieces so fast that the shrapnel hits everyone!
Senseless - Whatever the case, I think that I should do the talking during the inspection. Bob, would you please not do that. The doors are there for a reason! Dismissed.
Scene 8 - Shuttlebay. Righteous, Senseless, and Genocide are present as a Type-9 shuttle lands. A fluffy cat walks out wearing a uniform.
Righteous - Welcome aboard the Celestial, Admiral Nelix.
Nelix - I don’t talk to morons. Commander uh...
He looks at a PADD.
Nelix - Senseless, I want your most luxurious quarters. I’ll be staying for three days.
Genocide - Groan.
Senseless elbows him in the stomach.
Senseless - We anticipated your needs, sir. Follow us.
They leave the shuttlebay and walk down a corridor. Lieutenant Tener walks past.
Tener - Good day, Admiral.
Nelix - I’ll tell you whether or not it’s a “good day,” lieutenant.
The four go to stand in front of a door.
Righteous - Your quarters, sir.
The door opens and Nelix steps inside and looks around.
Nelix - A little cramped, but I guess it’s the best your incompetent crew can manage.
Genocide - What the hell? We gave him Cargo Bay 3!
Righteous - I will go pray that we make it out of this alive.
Righteous leaves and Genocide whips out a phaser welder and aims it at the crease in the door.
Senseless - Lieutenant!
Genocide - Just kidding sir.
Scene 9 - The next morning. Admiral Nelix is walking down a corridor. Lieutenant Tener walks past.
Tener - Beautiful day, isn’t is sir?
Nelix - What are you now, a god damned weather man?
Nelix walks into a turbolift.
Nelix - Deck 1, you over grown scrapheap.
He walks onto the bridge. Genocide, Righteous, Center, Baque, and Senseless are also present.
Righteous - Good morning, Admiral. I’m surprised to see you up this early.
Genocide - I’m surprised to see you up at all.
Senseless - I trust you found your quarters satisfactory?
Nelix - Someone welded my door shut. Then the cargo bay doors unexpectedly opened. Luckily I was trying on one of your worthless environmental suits. They’re in good working order. That’s one point for you but the malfunctioning doors are a point against, so you still have zero.
All the senior staff look at Genocide. Baque gives him a thumbs-up behind the Admiral’s back.
Nelix - Oh and your replicator makes the worst cat food I’ve ever seen. I lived with Lieutenant Barclay for years so that’s saying something. Inspection begins now. Ensign Center, accompany me to deck 20, now!!
Scene 10 - Mess hall. Puker is guzzling a kettle of coffee as Senseless walks in and sits down across from him.
Puker - Ah! Commander! Hey, have you ever noticed that almost all no-name conversations are funny? Just listen to some random ones:
No-Name #3 - What do ya mean you only have 10 days to live?
No-Name #4 - Fine! You rig up the lights!
No-Name #5 - I could have sworn he said “turn it on!”
No-Name #6 - My horoscope says I die today.
Senseless - That’s... um... interesting. But came to tell you that I need you to accompany me on a mission into fluidic space to take Bob home before Admiral Nelix sees him.
Nelix (through the floor) - What the hell?!
Senseless - Okay! Pack your bags, grab some no-names and meet me on deck 11 in 20 minutes.
Senseless gets up and leaves. Puker goes back to guzzling his coffee and listening to the no-names complain about their meaningless lives.
Scene 11 - Deck 20
Nelix - ...landing gear held up by coat hangers.
Center - Um, yes. We’re going to fix that... eventually.
Nelix - Let’s recap. So far you’ve got one 2 out of 20, and you’ve got 19 more decks to go.
They go up to deck 19 through a Jefferies tube.
Nelix - Jefferies tubes not kitty accessible. That’ll cost you.
Center rolls his eyes. They go to the leading edge of the deck. Admiral Nelix climbs up a wall, opens a ceiling panel and peers inside.
Nelix - Ensign, can I ask you a question? Why is your main deflector made out of shuttles?
Center - Oh, that, well, um, I really don’t know how to answer that sir. (Under his breath) I’m going to kill Greaser.
Scene 12 - Briefing room. Stoner, Bios, Righteous, Senseless, Baque, Genocide, Tener, and Greaser are present.
Senseless - Now, while Admiral Nelix is still several decks below us, I must inform all of you that Dr. Puker, Lieutenant Tener and I will be taking the Captain’s Yacht and returning Bob to fluidic space.
Tener - Captain’s Yacht! Is there anything this ship doesn’t have?
Baque - Yeah, a captain with even half an IQ point.
Righteous - Now, wait just a minute. The Captain’s Yacht is mine. It’s been customized to my standards.
Senseless - Sir, we need it. We have to return Bob before Admiral Nelix says we’ve been collaborating with the enemy.
Bob walks in through the door. (Literally).
Bob - BIOTCH! Sup ma homies?
Senseless - In the mortal words of Captain Picard, we are not your homies. Why are you here?
Bob - I’ve been studying your database. Late 20th century, downtown New York. Gangster talk.
Senseless - That had better be all you’ve done.
Bob - You crazy bro. This here ship needs class. I took the liberty of sprucing her up a bit.
Baque - We’ve already got enough problems with the Captain without you screwing everything up.
Genocide - Yeah, we’re in the middle of an inspection.
Bob - Take it easy, bro. I did nothing bad...
Nelix - Ensign, why are your bio-neural gel packs on pedestals with signs that say “Federation’s Greatest Achievement”?
Center - I can honestly say I don’t know.
Briefing room again.
Genocide - You had better fix “nothing” then.
Senseless - Then it’s settled. Puker, Tener, and I will take the Captain’s Yacht and–
Righteous - Now wait just another minute. The yacht’s mine. If anyone’s going with Puker and Tener it’s going to be me.
Senseless - Fine then. Captain Righteous will take the slow and weak Captain’s Yacht into the uncharted and dangerous regions of fluidic space to return Bob to a race that has tried to destroy us in the past.
Righteous - Well, I’m glad we all agree.
Baque - Commander, reverse psychology doesn’t work on morons.
Righteous - Bob, Dr. Puker, Lieutenant Tener, let’s go.
Righteous, Bob, Puker and Tener leave. Senseless and the others get up and go to the bridge.
No-Name #7 - Commander, Admiral Nelix wants to be beamed to his quarters.
Baque - Maybe he’ll materialize with his head out of his ass.
Senseless - Have him transported. Ensign Center, what’s the status of the Captain?
Center - The yacht has cleared the saucer and has gone to warp.
Senseless - I’ll be in my quarters. Genocide... actually, Bios... ah screw it. No-Name, you have the bridge.
Center - Sir! An anomaly is opening of the port bow. Something is coming out. Fast!
Bios - Commander, it has a Borg signature!
Senseless - Shields up!
Center - Too late!
Boom, ship rocks.
Center - Impact on deck 4.
Senseless - Seal off that section. Genocide, let’s go.
Scene 13 - Deck 4. Binky the Mistreated Borg finds himself disoriented and cut off from the rest of the collective. Genocide and Senseless round a corner and face Binky.
Genocide - Intruder alert.
Genocide raises his phaser but Senseless stops him.
Senseless - Wait. It’s just an assimilated targ, it’s harmless.
Little do they know, Binky activated his Borg transponder. The collective homes in and reconnects him to the hive mind.
Inside Binky’s Head - 2 of 1, last adjunct of unimatrix 01. Residual fluidic biomatter has been detected on this vessel. Assimilate all data regarding Species 8472. Resistance is futile.
Binky walks through the forcefield containing him and slips into a Jefferies tube.
Genocide - Ah crap.
Scene 14 - Bridge. Senseless, Genocide, Bios, and Baque are crowding around Center at his console at Ops.
Senseless - Senseless - Where’s the drone now?
Center - I can’t pinpoint his location. Internal sensors are down.
Baque - It figures. If something can go wrong, on this ship it usually does.
Genocide - If you hate the Celestial so much, why don’t you get a transfer?
Baque - Paramount made me sign a seven year contract.
Genocide - Huh?
Baque - Oh, nothing.
Center - Hey! I found it! Outside modifying the deflector dish! I can’t believe I found the Borg drone without internal sensors!
Baque - Wow everyone, he did something right for a change!
Senseless - Lock onto the drone and beam it to sickbay.
Center - Can’t. Transporters are down.
Senseless - Why?
Center - Transporting Admiral Nelix overloaded the pattern buffer.
Senseless - How’d that happen?
Center - His ego was too big.
Senseless - In that case, Mr. Genocide, you and I are going for a little walk. Suit up and meet me in Airlock 23 in–
Genocide - Whoa, whoa, stop the bus. There is no way in hell I’m going out there.
Baque - You’re a senior officer, what do you have to worry about?
Genocide - I can get severally injured.
Senseless - Genocide, I am dragging you out there if it’s the last thing I do!
Scene 15 - Senseless and a no-name walk out into space wearing environmental suits. They spy Binky a few hundred meters away.
Senseless - I could have sworn that Airlock 23 was closer to the main deflector than this.
No-Name #8 - Gee sir, I’m honored that you chose me for this important mission.
Senseless - Don’t be. Your certificate of death has already been made out.
Binky picks up a shuttle hatch and scratches his head.
As Senseless gets closer he recognizes Binky the Mistreated Targ. Senseless taps his commbadge.
Senseless - Lieutenant Bios, emit a tachyon pulse from the main deflector. Quickly, before he activates–
Bios - Too late, sir! The main deflector just sent an encrypted Borg message.
Senseless - Emit the pulse anyway!
The tachyon pulse causes a temporal portal to open and Binky is sucked in.
Senseless - Assuming the message is received, how long until–
He stops when he sees the terrified look on the no-name’s face. Senseless follows his gaze and sees a transwarp portal open. A Borg Tactical Cube comes out.
Senseless - Beam us in.
Center - But sir, the pattern buffer is–
Senseless - Beam us in!
Bzzzt! Senseless materializes upside down and the no-name materializes inside out. The transporter officer puts a phaser to his head.
No-Name #9 - I’m not cleaning this mess up!
Scene 16 - Bridge. Senseless arrives in time to hear the Borg’s catchy slogan. All senior staff are present except Greaser who is in engineering getting ready to bark orders and watch stuff explode.
Cube - We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is probably not futile.
Center - What do they want?
Senseless - They think we have detailed scans of species 8472.
Stoner - They should know better. Dr. Puker doesn’t take detailed scans of anything.
Senseless - Why are we not at red alert?
Genocide - I didn’t want to alert Admiral Nelix.
Senseless - F*** him. Battlestations. Divert power to the shields. Target the cube’s weapons array.
Genocide - Which one? They have dozens.
Senseless - Lieutenant Bios, get their shield modulation and send it to Genocide.
Bios - Their shields are re-modulating faster than our phasers could ever compensate.
Baque - That’s it then, we’re dead.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Genocide - They’ve got us in a holding beam.
Senseless - Target their tractor beam emitter. Quantum torpedoes, full spread.
Admiral Nelix - What the hell?!
Senseless - Just go back to your quarters, sir.
Nelix - Are you crazy? That’s a Tactical Cube out there. Turn and run, turn and run!
Senseless - Sir, with no due respect, f*** you! We’re not running away because that would make for a lousy storyline.
Genocide - Their holding beam is offline, but they’re charging weapons.
Genocide - Shields down to 75 percent!
Center - Hull breach on deck 17!
Bios - Sir, I think I’ve found a weakness.
Senseless - Explain.
Bios - Once you get past the cube’s armor, there isn’t much protecting their main power core.
Genocide - Their shields are at 95% and we’re almost out of torpedoes.
Senseless - Okay then, let’s pull a Picard. All hands, brace for impact!
Scene 17 - Captain’s Yacht.
Righteous, Tener, Puker, No-Name #10 and 11 - Ooh, aah!
Tener - I didn’t know that fluidic space was so cool!
Righteous - Reminds me of the Celestial Temple.
Bob - And on your left is my brother making an ass of himself.
Puker - The others are going to be so jealous that they missed all the action.
Scene 18 - Bridge.
Baque - Five seconds till impact. 4... 3... 2... 1.
WHAM SMASH CRINKLE BANG SCRAPE!
Ship rocks, consoles explode, no-names get airborne, stuff breaks, etc.
Senseless - Report.
Baque - We’ve penetrated 30 meters inside the cube.
Genocide - All phasers are offline.
Senseless - Mr. Baque, back us out, 1/4 impulse.
S C R A P E !
Baque - We’re clear, and the Celestial is in far better condition than the Enterprise was.
Senseless - Yes, well we all know Picard’s a loser. Genocide, arm a tri-cobalt torpedo.
Genocide - With pleasure... torpedo armed.
Senseless - Target their reactor... Fire!
Nelix - Excellent emphasis on the word “fire.” I’ll have to give you a bonus point for that, unfortunately.
The white torpedo zooms into the cube through the massive hull breach and explodes.
Genocide - Direct hit! Yeah! Their core is destabilizing. Reactor breach in two minutes.
Senseless - Mr. Baque, get us out of here–
Center - They’ve got us in a tractor beam.
Stoner - They are persistent.
Senseless - Persistence is futile. Target their tractor beam emitter again.
Genocide - Can’t. Weapons are offline.
Center - That beam is tearing the stardrive to pieces!
Senseless - Evacuate everyone into the forward section and prepare for starship separation.
Scene 19 - Engineering
Intership Communications - All hands, evacuate stardrive.
Greaser - Ah come on! I was almost done my Level 4 diagnostic on the sensor array. Now I have to start all over again. Those things take forever!
Computer - Warning! Structural collapse in 1 minute.
Greaser - Everyone hates me ‘cause I’m blue! That’s what it is! I know it!
Scene 20 - Bridge.
Center - All essential personal are evacuated.
Senseless - Separate the ship, go to full impulse.
Center - Both ships’ warp cores are breaching!
Scene 21 - Captain’s Yacht. The Yacht is returning after successfully returning Bob to his people.
Tener - I’ve found the Celestial. Well, half of it anyway.
Puker - Half?
Tener - I’m also detecting a large Borg debris field, and mixed in is debris that could only have come from the Celestial.
Righteous - Open a channel to the Celestial.
Tener - Channel open.
Righteous - Senseless!!! I can’t leave for two hours without you destroying my ship! Damn it! Prophets damn it!
Scene 22 - Briefing room. All senior staff and Admiral Nelix are present.
Nelix - You idiots completely failed your inspection. However, you did an exemplary job destroying that Borg ship, so, against my better judgement, I’ve decided not to decommission you.
Senseless - Thank you sir. Now, there’s the matter of the stardrive section. Ensign Center, what can we salvage from the wreckage?
Center - Well, where’s some of Captain Righteous’ Orbs–
Senseless - What do we want to salvage?
Righteous - My Orbs! We’re salvaging my Orbs!
A no-name walks in.
No-Name #12 - Sirs, a Sovereign-class starship just dropped out of warp.
Nelix - Ah yes, here’s my ride.
No-Name #12 - Captain, you should be aware that the stardrive of this Sovereign-class ship is identical to the stardrive of the Celestial.
Nelix - Well of course. The USS Bite Me was based partly on the Opaka Class design and... I’m not liking where this is going.
The senior staff look at each other.
Righteous - To the bridge
The officers run out, trampling Admiral Nelix along the way.
Nelix - Hey! Cruelty to animals! I’m calling the SPCA!
Scene 23 - Federation Council Chamber, San Francisco, Earth. Admiral Spot is standing at attention in a room filled with important people.
Federation President - Because of your excellent performance over the years, I am hereby promoting you to the rank of Fleet Admiral, and placing you in charge of Starfleet Command. Congratulations.
The council chamber erupts into applause.
Spot - Thank you, sir. I promise to do my best. Well everyone, I had a hard life as a cat. It got even harder when I was placed in charge of the Ninth Fleet. I was in charge of overseeing several very important starships. The USS Saratoga, USS Citadel, USS Enterprise, USS Celestial, USS Borgbuster, USS Litterbox, USS Weedplant, and the USS Drunk. But I wouldn’t be at the position I’m at today if it weren’t for the brave and cowardly crews of those fine ships. I’ll miss those guys. (Sniff).
Federation President - Very touching. Now, you get three flagships due to your new status. One of course will be the USS Litterbox, and the other two–
Spot - I’ve already made up my mind, sir. I choose the USS Saratoga and the USS Citadel.
Federation President - Oh, I’m sorry, you were under the impression that you picked, oh well, we chose your other two ships for you.
Spot - Oh God please don’t let it be–
Federation President - The USS Borgbuster and the USS Celestial!
Spot - Damn it! God damn it!