Righteous - Captain’s log, stardate 435034.2. Yep, that’s right. We finally learned how to convert real time to those useless stardates. Anyway, The USS Halfass is currently en route to the Beta Magellan system to get a computer upgrade. I really don’t trust Bios’s people, but I guess with the Prophets watching over us nothing could happen. In the meantime, we’re just trying to find ways to kill time.
Scene 1 - USS Halfass holodeck. All the senior staff are present in a copy of Vic’s, the holosuite from Deep Space Nine. They’re all sipping martinis and reading the latest department-specific problems to each other. They would normally be listening to Vic sing, but Genocide is off trying to kill him in downtown Las Vegas somewhere.
Greaser - It would take a while, but I think if we rewire the whole ship to be in parallel instead of in series we could eliminate this circuit problem we’ve been having.
Baque - Yeah, we still haven’t got the grass stains off the hull from last time.
Bios - Are we there yet?
Stoner, Puker, Senseless - NO!!! STOP ASKING!
Bios - Sheesh, you guys get all hyped up when you’re visiting your home planets...
Greaser - Hey, wait a minute... something’s wrong here...
Senseless - What is it?
Puker - Yeah, she’s right... something does seem out of place here...
Greaser - Well, we’ve been in the holodeck for several hours already, right?
Righteous - Yeah, so?
Greaser - Why has it not sealed us in, tried to kill us, become home to some alien organism, caused a ship-wide power drain, rewritten its own programming, lost the safety protocols, or given birth to some evil and sentient holo-character?
Righteous - You’re right, that is wrong...
Baque - Great, something else that’s broken on this ship.
Senseless - Without malfunctions, holodecks are really boring!
Puker - I’m going back to sickbay. This is a disappointment.
Righteous - Yeah, party’s over, the holodeck isn’t broken.
They all get up and leave the room. Out in the room outside Vic’s bar...
Senseless - Computer, exit.
The Door appears but refuses to open.
Puker - Yes! A malfunction!
Greaser - Nope, just a blown fuse.
Puker - Drat. Oh well, I should probably go and get back to my 13:00 appointment.
Senseless - Whose that with?
Puker - Some random crewman. He’s getting a kidney transplant.
Senseless - Just out of curiosity, how long has this guy been waiting for this operation.
Puker - A year and a half.
Senseless - Okay, just making sure you didn’t go over the standard waiting period.
They finally calm down Genocide and he uses his phaser to open the door.
Righteous - I’m going to go to the temple.
Senseless - Temple? Where’s that?
Righteous - It used to be called Cargo Bay 1. I had to blow a bunch of junk out the airlock though.
Senseless - By any chance would this junk be labelled deuterium?
Righteous - Why yes, it was!
Senseless puts his hand to his forehead and walks off down the corridor.
No-Name #1 - Bridge to Captain Righteous.
Righteous - Righteous here.
No-Name #1 - We’re encountering a temporal anomaly.
Righteous - Oh good, that means it’ll go away soon.
Baque - Ass wipe, he said temporal, not temporary!
Righteous - Aren’t they the same thing?
Puker - No sir.
Righteous - Then what does temporal mean?
Puker - It has to do with time travel.
Righteous - That’s a bad thing.
Puker - Don’t worry, we’re all trained to deal with temporal anomalies.
Righteous - That’s a good thing!
Puker - But we have to be real careful not to change the future.
Righteous - That’s a bad thing.
Puker - But we have sophisticated sensors and computers to help to prevent that.
Rightoeus - That’s a good thing.
Greaser - However, temporal anomalies often interfere with the warp field preventing warp speeds.
Righteous - That’s a bad thing.
Puker - Not to mention the moral and physiological ramifications of time travel on the humanoid body.
Puker - That’s a bad thing.
Righteous - And we were on such a roll too.
Greaser - Whatever. I’m going to engineering.
Righteous - No time!! To the Bridge!!!
Opening credits. The USS Celestial has been replaced with the USS Halfass and the opening title has been scratched out and replaced with Star Wreck: Halfass.
Scene 2 - In the turbolift, Righteous, Baque, Center, Bios, and Genocide stand calmly and listen to the elevator music. Then the turbolift starts to shake.
Righteous - Bridge, what’s happening? Are we entering the temporary analysis?
No-Name #1 - No sir, the turbolift is malfunctioning.
Righteous - Oh.
The turbolift finally stops shaking. They stand for another few seconds and the ship starts shaking again.
Righteous - Bridge, what’s happening?
No-Name #1 - We’re entering the anomaly!
The turbolift stops and the people file out and take their stations.
Genocide - Why are we entering the anomaly?
No-Name #1 - I didn’t know it was my job to stop the ship from flying straight into it.
Senseless, Stoner, and Greaser enter the bridge from the turbolift.
Righteous - Crewman, we don’t train our people to blindly follow orders!
Senseless - Actually sir...
Genocide - That’s it, demotion!
No-Name #1 - I’m already as far down as I can go!
Genocide - Exactly.
He whips out a phaser and kills No-Name #1.
Senseless - Baque, get us out of here! NOW!
Baque - FINE! Maybe I WILL!
Righteous - Would you please?
Baque - Oh, ok.
He hits some buttons and the ship starts shaking even more.
Senseless - It doesn’t seem to be working.
Baque - Excellent deduction, Commander Sherlock. The engines can’t pull us free. We’re too far into it. If only we had impulse engines instead of just these stupid manoeuvring thrusters.
Center - We’re coming out the other side of the temporal anomaly.
Bios - The vortex is collapsing, sir!
Righteous - See? What did I tell you? Didn’t I say it would be only temporary? This is a good thing.
Senseless - Actually, sir...
Bios - Without the anomaly, we can’t get back to our own time.
Righteous - That’s a bad thing, isn’t it.
Senseless - Where are we?
Bios - I’m having trouble pinpointing our location, much less our time.
Baque - Well, what’s that big thingy in front of us?
Bios - Err... That’s the viewscreen, Toc.
Baque - Not that, idiot, the thing on the viewscreen.
Bios - A clear polymer sheet of scratch and dust resistant material.
Baque - Just tell me what the damn star nearest us is called.
Bios - Oh! According to this the star is the Vulcan sun.
Stoner - Most logical.
Senseless - We were just leaving Bajor before. Are you saying we travelled over 10,000 lightyears and crossed over into another quadrant in the blink of an eye?
Bios - Well, the time was actually about the length of the blink of two eyes but yeah, that’s about right.
Senseless - Okay, we know where we are, now let’s find out when we are.
Baque - Stop trying to be so dramatic.
Bios - I dunno. The main computer isn’t sophisticated enough to complete the necessary calculations.
Center - Then why don’t we just go ask the Vulcans?
Baque - Ask the Vulcans? That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard. Has anyone in history ever gotten a straight answer out of Vulcans when it comes to time travel?
Senseless - Perhaps, but it’s the only thing we can do right now. Until we find out what the date is we can’t go back.
Righteous - Set course for Vulcan, maximum warp.
Center - Actually we’re in orbit of Vulcan, sir.
Righteous - Don’t question my orders. MAXIMUM WARP!
Baque - F*** you.
Righteous - Fine, I’ll do it myself.
Righteous hits some buttons on his armrest console and the bridge lights go out.
Righteous - Oops. Let me try again.
He hits another button and the ready-room door opens.
Righteous - Fine, fine, we’ll do it your way. Prepare an away party.
Scene 3 - Senseless, Tener, Stoner, and Center beam down to Vulcan. They materialize in the middle of a town square. Everywhere dead Vulcans litter the ground.
Stoner - Most illogical.
Senseless - We only brought you along as a tour guide. Don’t get your hopes up to have the plot line all to yourself.
Stoner - Acknowledged, sir.
Senseless - Tricorders.
Center - Non-operational Commander. There seems to be some gamma radiation interfering with the scanning apparatus.
Tener - In English please?
Center - She ain’t working, sir.
Tener - Thank you.
Stoner - Logic dictates we head for the capital city.
Senseless - Um, Ensign? This is the capital.
They all stand still as the wind blows a tumbleweed past them. Green blood is spilled all over the ground.
Stoner - Surak damn it!
Surak - Did someone call my name?
Stoner - No, it was just an expression of annoyance at present circumstances that humans often use to calm down. I was merely emulating such behaviour in an attempt to better integrate with the crew.
Senseless - Err... where did that voice come from?
A Vulcan man walks out of an alley and greets them in the traditional Vulcan greeting of giving them the middle finger.
Stoner - So that’s the greeting that is meant to convey a message to new allies. And here we were getting it all wrong for centuries.
Center does a quick scan of the man, then scans Stoner.
Center - According to this, their DNA is pretty close, but there are still some differences.
Senseless - Who are you?
Surak - As the name in front of this speech indicates, I am Surak of Vulcan.
Stoner - The Surak of Vulcan?
Surak - Yes. I am he who will be remembered for generations, well into the 24th century. However, I do not know that yet, so I must pretend to be inquisitive. How do you know me?
Stoner - You are he who has been remembered for generations, well into the 24th century. However, I shouldn’t be telling you this because it will most likely mess up the timeline. But, seeing as time travel is impossible, I will pretend to not care.
Senseless - Damn Vulcans.
Center - I just called the ship and had the tricorder scans matched with the DNA database. According to his DNA, he really is Surak of Vulcan.
Tener - Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Surak die almost 2,000 years ago?
Stoner - Indeed.
Surak - Fascinating.
Center - What is it with Vulcans and that word?
Senseless - Um, Mr. Surak, this is gonna sound a little weird but could you tell us what the stardate is?
Surak - The day is Stardate -1542500.
Senseless - Oh my god.... That is almost 2,000 years into our past!
Surak - Where are you people from? I have concluded that it would be illogical for Vulcans to be the only form of life in the universe, but I did not expect contact for many generations, not until our people have changed their way of life.
Senseless - Um... we’re from a planet called... err... Melmack.
Surak - Then why do you travel with another Vulcan?
Senseless - She’s not a Vulcan, she’s a Romulan.
Stoner - Yes. I am a back-stabbing, treacherous, no-good, illogical, bastardy Romulan.
Tener - So much for that subterfuge.
Then, a shell explodes a few metres away from them.
Surak - We must hide! This way!
He takes them down the alley he came from and leads them into a old building. Several drug dealers give them dirty looks as they pass.
Surak - This structure will protect us. For now.
Senseless - Err... we need to talk with... our people... we’ll be right back.
Center and Senseless walk away.
Stoner - Have you crossed through The Forge yet?
Surak - Yeah. What a bummer that was. Despite the legends, there really is no bag of pot at the end of the rainbow.
Stoner - And did you learn anything during your journey?
Surak - Only that it gets very hot there.
Tener - Ensign, I thought you said he had by now embraced logic?
Stoner - Fascinating. Surak, what do you intend to do now that you have crossed through the Forge and survived?
Surak - I intend to go down to the nearest bar and get so drunk I can’t walk. Then I intend to do it again and again and again until I can’t walk even when I’m sobered up!
Stoner - That is highly illogical.
Surak - So?
Tener - Um... Ensign, I think I know what you’re getting at and I must tell you not to do anything that will change the course of history. Maybe the historians got it wrong and it wasn’t the Forge that he crossed to become enlightened.
Surak - Would someone with pointed ears please explain this to me!
Stoner - I know the risks, Lieutenant, but did it ever occur to you that perhaps we are responsible for Vulcan’s change in thinking?
Tener - Nonsense. You can’t have an effect before the cause. And you certainly can’t have the effect be the cause.
Stoner - For what reason?
Surak - I’m getting very angry here!
Tener - You just can’t! It’s that simple!
Stoner - Go get the Commander and ask him. He’s in charge of what we do.
Surak - I want to know what you’re talking about!!!
Tener - Fine, I’ll go get the Commander.
He goes and gets Senseless and Center.
Senseless - What’s this about changing history?
Surak - EXPLAIN! MYSELF DAMN IT! FINE! I’M LEAVING!!!
As he stands up a bullet flies through the wall and hits him in the heart... well actually it would be the liver if he were human but you get the point.
Center - OH MY GOD!
While Center and Tener fend off the attacking Vulcans, Surak performs a mind meld on Stoner while she is checking him with a medical tricorder.
Stoner - That’s it. He’s dead.
Senseless - What did he do to you?
Stoner - He probably gave me his katra, but let’s pretend he didn’t, okay?
Tener - Sir, there’s too many of them!
Senseless - Away team to Halfass, five to beam up!
Scene 4 - Sickbay of the Halfass. Puker is standing over a dead Surak. Stoner, Bios, Righteous, Senseless, and Genocide are also present.
Puker - No way we could have saved him from that bullet that hit him. Too much arterial damage.
Righteous - I bet the Prophets could have saved him...
Senseless - Admiral Spot is going to be very, very, VERY PISSED!
Stoner - We can probably safely assume that this was what happened in our history, so nothing should have changed.
Senseless - Let’s hope so.
Bios - Well, sir, I’ve made the necessary time-warp calculations. By sling-shooting ourselves around the Vulcan sun, we should be able to return to our time, back in 2381.
Righteous - Let’s get to it then.
They all go to the bridge... well actually Puker and Stoner stay behind... and Center and Baque are already on the bridge... so yeah.
Senseless - Baque, prepare for coordinates.
Baque - Waiting...
Bios - Okay, I’ve sent you the crap. Do it.
The Halfass flies around the sun and time-warps through time and ends up in a different time at some point in time.
Senseless - Report.
Bios - We’ve returned to our proper time.
Senseless - Hail Vulcan.
Righteous - ...They’re not responding, sir.
Senseless - What? Sensors!
Center - Captain, I’m picking up several ships on an intercept course. Their arrangement appears to be Vulcan.
Senseless - Hail them.
Center - No response.
Genocide - They’re charging weapons.
Senseless - Shields.
Righteous - Open a channel.
Righteous - This is Captain Righteous of the USS Halfass. We come in peace. Don’t kill us!
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Genocide - Their weapons are far superior to anything owned by the Federation.
Senseless - Baque, set a course for Earth. Maximum warp.
Baque - They’re matching our course, gaining on us!
Senseless - Release a neutrino burst from the aft torpedo launcher.
Center - Sorry, can’t do that on this ship.
Senseless - Well, then find a way to fire the phasers, without them collapsing our warp field. You know, just like they kept doing on Deep Space Nine.
Center - Also impossible. We follow the laws of physics in this show.
Senseless - How about–
Center - Nope.
Senseless - What if we–
Center - Forget it.
Senseless - Does anything on this ship work?
Center - Sometimes the doors open.
Genocide - Wait... They’re dropping out of warp, turning around.
Senseless - Gee, must be our lucky day.
Baque - I’ve got Earth on sensors.
Senseless - Hailing frequencies open.
Center - No response.
Righteous - Oh well, worth a try. On to Bajor, I guess.
Senseless - Lieutenant, are you sure you got the right temporal coordinates inputted into the computer?
Bios - Positive. I triple checked everything.
Senseless - Err... what’s wrong with the Earth? It looks all burned.
Center - Hey... I’m not detecting any life signs on it.
Senseless - My God...
Baque - Hate to interrupt this little drama class, but we’ve got a Romulan warbird bearing down on us with weapons charged.
Center - They’re hailing.
Romulan Commander - This is the warbird Dribraw. Identify yourself.
Righteous - This is Captain Righteous of the USS Halfass.
Romulan - You are carrying Vulcans with you. Lower your defenses and prepare to be boarded.
Righteous - I’m afraid we can’t do that. You see, we are having a little trouble with our transporters–
Boom, ship rocks, sparks!
Romulan - Then prepare to be destroyed!
Righteous - Well, it was nice that he gave us time to prepare.
Righteous starts praying. About ten seconds later a bucket of cold water hits him in the face.
Senseless - DAMN IT CAPTAIN, THIS IS NO TIME TO BE PRAYING!
Righteous pulls the bucket off his head.
Righteous - You’re right. Helm, find a way to save our sorry asses.
Through sheer luck, skill, or a little of both, Baque manages to pilot the Sabre-class vessel to the only place it is safe from the warbird’s disruptors: Right between the two hulls.
Senseless - Genocide, target their power supply.
Genocide taps a few buttons. On the underside of the hull, a turret deploys. On the end of this turret is a compression phaser rifle with its power lines tied into wires that go back into the ship.
Genocide - Armed.
Senseless - Fire.
Boom! The warbird explodes and the Halfass sustains minor damage.
Righteous - Can I pray now?
Senseless - Knock yourself out.
Genocide - There’s a lot of intact parts of the ship. We can probably salvage some weapons.
Bios - The main computer might be intact. If we can get it, I can determine where events went wrong.
Center - I think we should just leave it where it is and just fly off to the other side of the galaxy and repopulate the human species.
Senseless - All excellent ideas. Have all department heads submit information in two hours, in the briefing room. I’m going to sickbay.
Scene 5 - Briefing room, five hours later. All the senior staff are present.
Senseless - LATE!
Righteous - Okay, the Prophets have actually spoken to me for trice, and they say stuff like they are of Bajor, and the Righteous is linear, and gave no information other than that they think I’m worthy of becoming a Prophet myself.
Baque (to Genocide) - I wonder how much of that is truth.
Senseless - Bios, have you determined where history went screwy?
Bios - Err... yes... and you won’t like it.
Senseless - Let’s hear it.
Bios gets up and goes to stand in front of the wall monitor.
Bios - From the Romulan computer archives, I’ve been able to determine that the major factor has been the Vulcans. 2,000 years ago, Surak of Vulcan was killed. Without him, Vulcan never had their logical revolution and kept being savage and blood thirsty. When they detected Cochrane’s warp flight, they considered Earth a threat and annihilated the entire population with atomic warheads. Since Earth never got far into space, the Federation was never born. Romulus annexed most of the planets that would normally have joined the Federation, making them the largest power in the quadrant. They’ve been at war with the Vulcans for generations.
Senseless - So that’s what went wrong, now how do we fix it?
Bios - I’m not sure we can, sir. After all, Surak of Vulcan is lying in our morgue.
Stoner - The logical thing to do would be to go back to stardate -1542500 and prevent ourselves from interacting with Surak in the first place.
Center - How would we respond if future versions of ourselves showed up and tried to stop us from beaming down to a planet?
Senseless - We’d never believe them.
Genocide - We’ll have to destroy ourselves. That’s the only way to prevent a temporal paradox as I see it.
Senseless - How do you know so much about temporal mechanics?
Genocide - I took a course in temporal weaponry at the Academy. We covered paradox torpedoes.
Tener - Won’t destroying ourselves cause us to cease to exist?
Puker - Why? Getting Surak killed and destroying the Federation didn’t.
Tener - Good point. God, I love it when we throw continuity out the airlock.
Senseless - One more problem. Won’t the Vulcans eventually discover the wreckage and won’t that change history?
Righteous - Tractor the ship into the sun.
Baque - That’s actually not a halfassed idea.
Center - On this ship, we’re full of ‘em.
Senseless - Then it’s settled. We go back and kill ourselves. Dismissed.
Scene 6 - The Halfass has returned to Vulcan and is in the process of fighting a bunch of Vulcan ships. On the Bridge...
Senseless - How are we going to get the right trajectory for a time-warp if these ships keep firing at us? Come on people, I need some plausible technobabble here.
Bios - What if we rigged a subspace inversion beam that would imprint the signature of a cloaked ship onto nearby space dust, making it obvious that a cloaked Romulan ship is present? They may leave us alone and go fight ghosts, giving us enough time to complete the time-warp.
Righteous - It’s so plausible it just might work! Do it!
A bunch of crap happens, but the Vulcans don’t take the bait.
Center - Sir, the Vulcans aren’t taking the bait.
Senseless - I can read, Ensign!
Righteous - Fly boy, get us out of here, maximum warp.
Baque - Yeah, yeah, going to maximum warp, setting course back to Earth...
Center - They’re not responding.
Genocide - Of course not, we didn’t hail them.
Center - Oops, I meant to say they’re not pursuing. I’m just so used to ships always following us and our hails always going unanswered.
Senseless - We need to figure some things out. Come on, guys, think!
He looks around. For some reason Puker, Greaser, and Tener have reported to the Bridge. Greaser and Stoner are bitch slapping each other, Baque and Center are having a mercy fight, Bios is taking apart her chair, Righteous is praying, and Puker is performing a full-blown brain surgery on Tener, who has somehow gotten a very large log stuck in his hand.
Puker - Don’t question me, I’m a professional.
Senseless - Well that was a stupid order.
Righteous - Captain’s log, vitamin supplementals. We have returned to Earth, even though I would rather go to Bajor, and have begun upgrading our weapons with Romulan technology. We still have no idea how to fool the Vulcans into allowing us to use their sun to do the time warp–
Genocide - Why don’t we just use Earth’s sun for the time-warp and then go to Vulcan once we’re in the past?
Righteous - No! As I was saying, we need to find a way to let the Vulcans know that what we’re doing is for their own good–
Genocide - Actually, the Vulcan’s couldn’t be happier at the moment. They’re currently more powerful than the Federation ever was.
Righteous - Okay, it’s for our own good. Anyway, Ensign Stoner is currently in the main computer archive core trying to find a way that we might slip past the Vulcans undetected–
Genocide - In reality she’s doing one of those weird Vulcan meditations... considering it’s the middle of the night!!!
Righteous - Who’s recording this log entry, anyway?
Genocide - Maybe if you weren’t such a stupid son of a bitch...
Righteous -What was that?
Genocide - Um... maybe if I didn’t have such a bad itch?
Righteous - Well, why don’t you go to sickbay then?
Genocide - Fine...
Righteous - Excellent. Computer, end recording.
Scene 8 - The briefing room. It kinda goes without saying that the senior staff are here.
Righteous - I have a few questions before we begin. First of all, how is Ensign Stoner, the Doctor’s assistant, part of the senior staff?
Stoner - It is quite logical. Dr. Puker can’t remember half of what he is told here so I must fill in the gaps for him.
Righteous - Next question. Has anyone ever noticed we hold a lot more briefings than other ships?
Baque (under his breath) - Cause you’re so incompetent that we need to.
Righteous - Well?
Senseless - Sir?
Righteous - Yes?
Senseless - Forget about it.
Righteous - Okay then.
Senseless - Now, Ensign Stoner has come up with an idea.
Stoner - I have?
Puker elbows her in the ribs.
Stoner - Oh yeah. That idea. Well, I figured that the logical thing to do would be to pretend that all the Vulcans on the ship are actually secret agents for Vulcan and have taken over the ship.
Senseless - Not a bad suggestion, but do we have enough Vulcans onboard to make it work?
Genocide - Computer, how many Vulcans are onboard the ship?
Computer - Ask politely.
Genocide takes out his phaser and destroys the microphone/speaker mount on the ceiling.
Genocide - We’ll just have to wing it.
Stoner - I’ll naturally be the choice to be the apparent commanding officer.
Puker - I have a better idea. Why don’t you all let me do some plastic surgery and make you all look like Vulcans?
Center - I like Stoner’s idea better.
Righteous - Well, I don’t. To sickbay, everyone!
Then, to mark an end to the conversation, the microphone/speaker mount falls from the ceiling and smashes through the table.
Scene 9 - Sickbay. Puker has finished working his magic on the senior staff. Everyone but himself and Baque and Tener have been operated on. They are currently looking in mirrors at their reflections.
Greaser - Oh my god...
Senseless - Damn it.
Puker obviously can’t do plastic surgery very well. Righteous’ face is totally upside down, Senseless only has one eye and it’s in the middle of his forehead, Greaser looks like a smurf, Genocide has twelve misshapen Vulcan ears located at various spots around his body. Bios’ skin has somehow turned orange and her mouth is three times bigger than it should be. Center is now totally bald, has no ears at all, and no nose. Stoner, who was Vulcan to begin with, now looks like Al Gore.
Puker - Hmmm... Maybe Stoner’s idea was a better one.
Stoner - I still don’t see why you had to operate on me.
Puke - Meh. I was on a roll.
Genocide - God damn it, how am I supposed to fire the phasers when I can’t see?
Senseless - Well, the only way we can get back to our normal appearances is to get a doctor from our reality to operate on us.
Puker - In the meantime, I’ll try to figure out what went wrong.
Then, Baque walks into sickbay.
Baque - Doc, I’m here for my operat–
He stops dead when he sees the rest of the senior staff.
Baque - Jesus... Christ...
Puker - Um... I might have to reschedule yours.
Baque - ...Good idea.
Senseless - From your vantage point, how bad does it look?
Baque - Well... I suppose you could pass as Vulcans... if you maybe talk like them... and rig the transmission to emit static all the time... and keep the lights off.
Righteous - Oh well, everyone to the bridge.
Scene 10 - Bridge. The Halfass approaches Vulcan. Several ships intercept and destroy her. However, the producers thought that more likely scenario was too boring so the Vulcans simply hail the ship.
Center - We’re being hailed, sir.
Righteous - Poker faces everyone. On screen.
Genocide - I can’t move a single muscle in my face.
Vulcan Commander - Identify yoursel– What in the name of all that is illogical...?
Senseless - We are a covert Vulcan team sent to capture this alien craft and return it to the High Command.
Vulcan Commander - Normally I’d be suspicious about these scans I just took, but I don’t want to look at anything so hideous any longer so I’ll just say go about your business.
Center - He’s stopped transmitting.
Genocide - The ships are moving off. Drat. I wanted to test these new Romulan weapons I painstakingly installed.
Righteous - Flyboy, set a course to the Vulcan sun, and prepare the time thingy that makes us go places.
Bios - Time-warp?
Righteous - Yeah, that’s it! Engage!
With cool special effects, meaning it’s the only time during the season Paramount has opted to spend money, the Halfass goes flying around the sun and back in time.
Senseless - Report.
Greaser - Greaser to bridge, we’ve got a problem.
Senseless - I wasn’t asking you, but go ahead.
Greaser - Seems this time-warping is using one hell of a lot of deuterium up. Before we destroy ourselves, could be beam over all our deuterium from our tanks to our tanks?
Righteous - I’m getting a headache.
Senseless - Just try not to think about it sir.
Righteous - I’m good at that!
With that he starts praying... again.
Senseless - We’ll look into it Commander, bridge out.
Bios - Good news! We’re at the right place and time. Orbiting Vulcan, 2 minutes before our past selves arrive to screw things up.
Senseless - Genocide, get a good lock on their power distribution network. I want to cripple them enough to tractor them into the sun.
Genocide - I still think it’s a better idea to just vaporize them here and now.
Bios - Here they come.
Senseless - That was two minutes?
Center - Temporal anomaly opening off the port bow.
Genocide - The USS Halfass is coming out. Locking target.
Senseless - Hail them. Let’s make this easier shall we?
Senseless - This is the Federation starship Halfass calling the Federation starship Halfass.
Senseless - Err... screw it. Just open hailing frequencies.
Past Senseless - What the hell?
Senseless - Lower your shields and prepare to be destroyed. If you don’t comply, we’ll destroy you.
Past Righteous - What? I’m confused.
Past Baque - You’re always confused.
Baque - I was just about to say the same thing.
Senseless - You have ten minutes to— Ah forget it. Genocide, fire at will!
Past Genocide - What? Who am I supposed to fire at? You guys?
Senseless - Did I say Past Genocide? No! Present Genocide, destroy them.
The two Federation ships battle it out, but the Present Halfass has the advantage of using Romulan disruptors and quickly disables the Past Halfass.
Senseless - Ensign, tractor beam.
Center - Got them.
Senseless - Mr. Baque, set a course for the Vulcan sun, full thruster power.
Baque - No! I’m going to go to sickbay and get my face repaired.
Center - But you’re the only one who didn’t get plastic surgery.
Baque - Well... fine!!
He stomps out of the room. A No-Name replaces him at the helm console.
Bios - I’m still puzzled at how this hasn’t caused us to cease to exist.
Center - Yeah, wonder why that is.
Senseless - Maybe the presence of chroniton particles has somehow prevented the temporal paradox.
Righteous - Maybe the Prophets are behind it. They do work in mysterious ways.
Genocide - If you can call crazy mysterious...
Bios - Maybe non-corporeal beings are behind this. Maybe, just maybe, this whole affair, from the temporal anomaly in the beginning, is the work of someone like Q.
Q - Did someone say my name?
Senseless - No, we were must using you as a topic of conversation.
Q - So no one’s having fun?
Senseless - Not right now. We’re kinda busy.
Q - Oh. Okay.
Q - Are you sure you don’t need me?
Senseless - Pretty sure.
Q - Man, has humanity become boring over the last few years.
Bios - Wait a minute! I’ve figured it out!
Senseless - Well why hasn’t anything gone screwy then?
Bios - Because this is Star Trek. Nothing makes sense. Ever!
No-Name #2 - Sir, we’re almost there.
Baque, Greaser, and Puker come onto the bridge. Baque is carrying a can of something.
Puker - Lieutenant, I’m telling you I’m pretty sure I’ve got it figured out! There’s nothing to worry about!
Baque - You guys wouldn’t believe how crappy this beer tastes. It’s like heavy water.
Greaser - Heavy water? Why don’t we just use it to power the warp engines?
Baque and Greaser take their stations.
Baque - Ready for braking manoeuvres.
Center - Cutting tractor beam...
Senseless - So, what should be do when we get back to our time? A shore leave at Risa?
Righteous - Sounds good to me. Apparently, they value religion almost as much as we Bajorans do.
Center - Tractor beam offline. There she goes.
Bios - Oh shit!!!
Senseless - What!?
Bios - I just remembered that we - and they - have a load of trilithium in our cargo bays!!!
Center - Isn’t trilithium capable of halting all fusion within a star?!?!
Bios - Yes!!!
Senseless - Ensign, tractor beam!
Center - Too late! It’s too far into the corona!
Bios - I’m detecting a level 9 shockwave forming!
Righteous - Flyboy, get us out of here, warp 4!
Baque - Way ahead of you!
The Halfass goes to warp just as the shockwave reaches them.
Senseless - Phew! That was a close one.
Center - Err... sir?
Senseless - Yeah?
Center - Vulcan has been destroyed.
The camera pans outside the ship.
Senior staff - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!
To be continued...