Episode 7: “Storm Back, Part II”

Written by Swordtail

I’m not going to waste time with a stupid flash back so just read “Storm Back, Part I” if you don’t remember anything.

Scene 1 - The scene is in a small village, obviously on Earth. The level of technology indicates that this must be during the 24th century, and many different races are present... except Vulcans. Sitting around a table are Lieutenant-Commander Greaser and Ensign Stoner.

Greaser - Bios should be back by now.

Stoner - It is unlikely that she will return at all. I saw a Future Shop a few kilometres back that was just begging her to enter it.

Greaser - Wait, here she comes.

Bios walks over to them and takes a seat at the table.

Greaser - Well?

Bios - Well what?

Greaser - Did you find her?

Bios - Yeah, I found her. She’s not exactly how we remember her, though.

Stoner - In what way?

Bios - She’s really sceptical. Doesn’t trust anyone.

Greaser - Well, there were bound to be changes. So what happened?

Bios - She didn’t accept our cover story.

Greaser - What? She didn’t believe that we’re a musical band of cat-loving teenagers who tour the world and fight crime?

Bios - No, she didn’t.

Greaser - Damn it! Admir-err... Spot is the only person who could possibly be competent enough to help us, and she didn’t believe we were Josey and the Pussy Cats?

Stoner - Can you blame her?

Bios - Next time, I’ll come up with the cover story.

Stoner - Perhaps we should tell her the truth.

Greaser - Are you nuts? That will royally screw up the timeline. Why, if it gets any worse-

She stops and thinks about all that has occurred in the last couple days.

Greaser - On second thought, screw it. Let’s just go tell her.

Scene 2 - High above Earth, a massive space station orbits inconspicuously. Use your imaginations ‘cause I really don’t feel like describing it. Inside its huge docking area, the USS Halfass sits next to some other unidentified ships. The scene is in a bar on the observation deck of the station. Senseless, Genocide, and Puker are present.

Senseless - Well, Nelix didn’t believe our cover story.

Genocide- Oh, gee, he didn’t believe we were the Backstreet Boys. What a bloody surprise.

Senseless - All was going fine till I let it slip that we could actually sing. After that he got really suspicious.

Puker - Medical science in this reality sucks. I couldn’t even get a damn Band-Aid.

Genocide - Err... You were looking for one in the barber’s shop.

Puker - Every establishment should always have a first aid kit.

Senseless - I just hope the Captain has had better luck...

Meanwhile, in another part of the station, Righteous and Center are standing behind Baque, who is arguing with a Ferengi salesman, who apparently left his universal translator at home today. Beer cans are covering the counter.

Baque - No, read my lips. We want deuterium! Not more American beer!

Opening credits. Just like last time, the Celestial has been replaced with the USS Halfass. Thankfully, they didn’t pull an Enterprise and do a total make-over of the credits and theme song.

Scene 3 - Briefing room. All senior staff are present.

Senseless - Greaser, any luck?

Greaser - Well, we found Admiral Spot. She’s currently the captain of the SS Litterbox.

Baque - Go figure.

Greaser - However, she didn’t seem all that intent to help us. Kept saying that every instinct in her body told her to stay away from us. I’m not sure what that meant...

Senseless - So on the bright side, Earth is alive and kicking and the Federation formed without the Vulcan’s help after all.

Righteous - Ooh! Ooh! What about Bajor?

Senseless - Still under Cardassian occupation.

Righteous - And the Celestial Temple?

Senseless - Destroyed. By the Tal Shiar.

Righteous - Prophets damn it!

Senseless - Anywho, we didn’t have any luck contacting Admiral Nelix. He’s running a boot camp on Orbital Station 3 and refused to talk... also saying that he felt he should stay away from us...

Baque - We didn’t have much luck either. The Ferengi we talked to wouldn’t give us any pure deuterium. On the other hand, he gave us so much American beer that we can probably extract the heavy water out of it, meaning we’ll get a 100% yield, and then we can get out the deuterium and fly the ship halfway across the galaxy.

Center - God bless American beer.

The rest of the humans in the room stare at him.

Center - Err... figuratively speaking.

Puker - On the other bright side, those chemical injections I gave you people seem to be working wonders on your faces. You should be totally back to normal in a couple hours.

Baque - That’s nice, but I keep thinking we’re forgetting something...

Genocide - It’s probably just temporal psychosis. Anyway, I think I’ll have the intruder alert sirens fixed in a couple days. The sensors are still a little jumpy.

Senseless - You should probably get Lieutenant Tener to help you out. —Hey, where is Tener?

Bios - I haven’t seen him in almost a week.

Righteous - Computer, locate Lieutenant Tener.

Computer - Lieutenant Tener is not aboard the ship.

Righteous - When did he leave?

Computer - Unknown.

Senseless - How come we just started missing him now?

Bios - It must be temporal psychosis after all.

Puker - I’ll do some scans of some of the crew.

Senseless - Great. Now we have three problems: Fixing the time line, finding Tener, and finding a cure to incurable temporal psychosis.

Stoner - Don’t worry about Tener. I’m sure he’ll turn up eventually.

Senseless - Last we saw of him he was in that briefing a few days ago when we decided to destroy our past selves.

Genocide - Well then, he couldn’t have gotten far.

Righteous - Speaking of missing crew, what happened to all the 520 other survivors from the Celestial? Sabre-class ships only hold 80, and the last crew count put us at 600 before we boarded this ship.

Senseless - That’s where we get all our replacement no-names. They’re all stuffed into storage in the cargo bay.

Baque - Still, it’s weird how Tener vanished without a trace, and even before he heard of Puker’s plan to modify us all.

Senseless - Well, until we can get some deuterium we aren’t going anywhere so we might as well start searching for him. Prep some shuttles.

Baque - Err, Commander?

Senseless - Yeah?

Baque - The Halfass doesn’t have any shuttles. We don’t even have a shuttle bay.

Senseless - Well, then rent them. Dismissed!

Scene 4 - In a big dark and stinky room somewhere, Lieutenant Tener is shackled to an vertical table. Before him stands a fluffy cat.

Chester - So, you idiots were hoping to restore the time line, were you?

Tener - What is it with villains and shackling hostages to metal boards?

Chester - Now that I have you where you can’t escape, behind a level 12 force field, I’ll reveal my entire villainous plan to you.

Tener - Do I have to listen?

Chester - Silence! Now, you’re probably wondering how I can remember things from your reality.

Tener - Actually, I’m more interested in how you survived being crushed by a ton of concrete.

Chester - We cats have nine lives, you seem to forget this fact. Anyway, I’m here to use the mess your crew made to my benefit. You see, when your ship first encountered the temporal anomaly, an operative aboard the USS Halfass told me of it. I just knew you nitwits would somehow screw up history, so I immediately beamed to your ship using my subspace transporter.

Tener - Aren’t those things dangerous

Chester - How should I know? I never saw that episode of TNG.

Tener - If you harm me, my crew will hunt you down and put you to sleep.

Chester - I’ve known warm bowls of milk that could have done a better job. And besides, your crew doesn’t even know you’re missing.

Tener - ...Idiots...

Chester - It seems that in all the confusion they managed to forget all about you.

Tener - Not surprising. So, can I go now?

Chester - Not just yet. You see, this whole situation is benefiting me in ways you couldn’t imagine. Without the Vulcans, the Federation has become capitalist, which means I’m in a position to make one hell of a lot of latinum.

Tener (spying a box that just materialized in the middle of the room) - By selling warp-powered vacuum cleaners?

Chester - Precisely. But, most people already have a vacuum cleaner, so I must prove mine are better, and the only way to do that is to destroy the competition!

Tener - Why don’t you just come up with a classy slogan?

Chester - Already done. “Orion Vacuums Syndicated: We really suck!”

Tener starts laughing uncontrollably.

Chester - Pure genius, isn’t it?

Tener laughs even harder to the point where he wets himself.

Chester - That will be all.

Chester hits some buttons and the table holding Tener, still laughing, flips around the wall, bringing out a fire place in his place. Then, in typical bad-guy fashion, Chester starts laughing manically.

Scene 5 - Baque and Greaser are in a rented Ferengi shuttlecraft searching for Tener.

Greaser - I told you so.

Baque - What?

Greaser - I told you we were lost.

Baque - We’re not lost.

Greaser - Then explain why we’ve passed that same nebula ten times in the last three hours.

Baque - It’s quite simple really. You see, in nature some shapes are repeated often-

Greaser - I’ve run a quantum analysis three times! It’s the same nebula!

Baque - I’m telling you I know exactly where we are.

Greaser - How come men always refuse to ask directions?

Baque - We’re in deep space, who are we going to get directions from?

Then they pass a tiny space station with a big sign that says “Cat’s Eye Nebula: Tourist Bureau.”

Greaser - Stop the shuttle.

Baque - No, I know where I’m going.

Greaser - Stop the shuttle. That’s an order.

Baque - Fine, fine.

He puts on the brakes and pulls up to one of the station’s docking umbilicals. Inside the station, two really old Tellarites are sitting in rocking chairs.

Tellarite #1 - Whatca y’all youngins want taday?

Greaser - Hi, I’m Lieutenant-Commander Greaser, and this is Lieutenant Baque. We’re from the USS Halfass. We were hoping that you could tell us where the nearest criminal hideout is.

The two old Tellarites give them a blank stare for nearly a minute.

Tellarite #2 - Dang kids and their dang hobbies these days.

Tellarite #1 - Ay ope ya’ll know whatcha gettin youself intos now.

Baque - I think the universal translator is broken.

Greaser - Actually we’re trying to find a colleague of ours. Do you know where he might have been taken?

More blank stares.

Greaser - We are looking for a friend.

Still blank stares. Baque gets smart and takes out a tricorder.

Baque - Um... they’re dead, ma’am.

Greaser - Murdered?

Baque - No. Just old age.

Greaser - Looks like we’ll have to do it your way from now on. Back to the shuttle.

Scene 6 - The scene is in that area of the station where Senseless, Puker, and Genocide had first been seen in this episode. Righteous, Senseless, Puker, Genocide, and Center are getting drunk off distilled water while reading PADDs that are covered with temporal mechanics info.

Righteous - Boy, all I can say is that I’m sure glad this is temporal mechanics we’re studying. I don’t think I can comprehend this much longer.

Genocide - Temporal! Not temporary!

Righteous - I still don’t see the difference. I looked them up in the dictionary and apparently they both have something to do with the passage of time, so ha ha.

Genocide - Whatever, sir.

Senseless - Guys, I think I have it!

Righteous - Oh goodie! Do tell!

They all look at a crayon-drawn picture.

Senseless - By making a rough map of the time-line, I’ve determined that all our troubles started when we first encountered that temporal anomaly.

Genocide - Ya think?

Center - ...So if that anomaly never existed...

Senseless - We wouldn’t have inadvertently changed history.

Center - So the thing to do is go back to several minutes before our past selves encounter the anomaly and destroy it from the Vulcan side.

Righteous - Now I’m no trained pilot from the 29th century, but I don’t see how we can possibly destroy the trilateral analogy with the measly weapons we have.

Senseless - That isn’t exactly true. Phasers and other weapons won’t do anything to the anomaly, but an inversely charged temporal anomaly of the same class might just do the trick.

Puker - How do we create an inversely charged temporal anomaly? Especially one that traverses both time and space at the same time?

Senseless - ...I have no f***ing idea.

A big, fat Klingon carrying some dead animals walks buy.


Center - What if we created a big enough tachyon pulse from the core and inclosed it inside a warp bubble?

Klingon - 2381: A VERY GOOD YEAR FOR TARG!

Senseless - I doubt the Halfass’s warp core could possibly generate the necessary power for such a burst.


Puker - It would be really helpful if there was a stable, naturally occurring inversely charged temporal anomaly that we knew of and could harness...


Righteous - Ever notice how Bajorans and Humans all have the same number of fingers?


Center - If we can’t find a solution to our problem, we’ll be forced to stay here indefinitely.

The Klingon walks up to the table that the four officers are sitting at.

Center - That’s five officers!


Klingon #1 - You guys look like you could use some cheering up. How ‘bout a dead targ?

He slams one of his targs down on the table, which breaks in two.

Righteous - Due to budget cuts, this station can’t afford good quality tables.

Senseless - Sorry, Mister, but I don’t think this is going to help us.

Then the targ on the table jumps up and bites them all in the nose, one by one.

Senseless, Genocide, Puker, Center - Ow!

Righteous - Gee, the last targ we came across wasn’t that violent.

Senseless - OF COURSE!!! BINKY!!! Thank you mister Klingon sir, you’ve been a big help.

Klingon #1 - ...NO SENSE, NO SENSE AT ALL!

The five officers run out of the room back toward the airlock.

Scene 7 - Greaser and Baque are still flying around the Cat’s Eye nebula in their now-stolen Ferengi shuttle.

Greaser - That’s it then. We’ve officially had this shuttle ten hours longer than we were allowed to keep it.

Baque - I’m telling you I detected a Human biosign near here.

Greaser - There are Humans everywhere! What makes you think this one is Tener?

Baque - It didn’t die in the ten seconds I was scanning it.

Greaser - Must be him, then. I still think we should go back to the ship and regroup.

Baque - I’d love to, but the navigational array is on a coin operated system and I’m all out of slips of gold-pressed latinum.

Greaser - Wait... we’re being hailed. It’s the Halfass.

Baque - Give ‘em hell.


Greaser - Where the hell have you idiots been? We’ve been flying around here for hours!

Righteous - We’ve been trying to save the universe, thank you very much.

Greaser - Tractor us in, please.

Center - Sorry, our tractor beam emitter broke on Tuesday.

Greaser - How come I wasn’t notified?

Center - It’s not my job to tell you things that the engineering crew are supposed to tell you.

Greaser - Well then, transport us aboard.

Center - Also broke on Tuesday.

Greaser - How bout grappling lines?

Center - Tuesday.

Greaser - EVAs?

Center - Tues-err... I suppose that could work...

Senseless - Good. I want you two to meet me in the observation lounge in twenty minutes.

Scene 8 - The observation lounge in twenty minutes. Only Senseless is there.

Scene 8.5 - The observation lounge in three hours. Greaser and Baque finally walk in and wake up their commander.

Senseless - What took so long?

Greaser - Sir, it takes at least 5 minutes just to suit up.

Senseless - Any luck with finding Lieutenant Tener?

Baque - Nothing. We thought we found him, but the navigational array wasn’t working.

Greaser - You were too damn cheap to throw in a few more coins!

Senseless - What do you mean, you thought you found him?

Greaser - How come Captain Righteous isn’t in on this meeting?

Senseless - You’ve forgotten his little “every hour on the hour” line from about a month and a half ago. But anyway, answer the question.

Baque - You’d think with the wormhole destroyed he’d be a little less fanatical.

Senseless - Well, he’s started worshipping the Pah-Wraiths, as far as I know, but please just answer my question.

Baque - Sheesh, don’t be so pushy. I thought I saw a Human biosign in the heart of the nebula, but I couldn’t set a course.

Senseless - Well, luckily the Halfass’s sensors are far more sophisticated than that shuttle’s are.

Greaser - Well...

Baque - Not really sir...

Senseless - Fine, Commander, cannibalize that shuttle and see what you can get out of it.

Greaser - Won’t the owner object?

Baque - He’s just a no-name Ferengi, and we all know what eventually happens to no-named Ferengi: They get fired. We have nothing to worry about.

Senseless - Seeing as we are no longer in the Federation we know, the rules don’t apply to us. Dismissed.

Scene 9 - In that weird room where Tener and Chester were a few scenes ago. Tener is sitting at a table in the middle of the room drinking a cappuccino and reading a book.

Tener - Wow, I can’t believe that the 6th Larry Pothead book was leaked into this reality! The Half-Assed Prince wasn’t due to come out for another three weeks!

All of a sudden Chester walks in.

Chester - Hey, what the-! How did you get loose?!?

Tener - I got a caffeine craving. Not even those duranium-reinforced shackles could hold me away from your coffee maker.

Chester - Why didn’t you try and escape then?

Tener - I’m reading this book. Quite entertaining. And besides, you’ve got guards everywhere and they’re armed to the teeth. What chance do I have?

Chester - Apparently, quite a good one. Your ship is heading our way at warp 6.

Tener - Cool!

Chester - Unfortunately, if you are able to return to your reality, this nice one will cease to exist. That would really throw a hairball into my plans.

Tener - Well, I’ll forward your complaint to the Galactic Help Bureau.

Chester - No, I don’t think that will be necessary. You see, I’m going to vaporize you and convince your crew you are somewhere else, thereby delaying them until I can find a way to destroy them.

Tener - Why are you bothering to tell me all of this if you’re just going to kill me?

Chester - Because no one else will listen! Now prepare to die!

Chester starts to raise his kitty phaser and fiddles with the setting.

Tener - What I wouldn’t do for some Paramount miracles right about now.

Then, our of nowhere, twenty gray wolves materialize out of thin air.

Chester - HISS!!!

Wolves - BARK!!!

The dogs start chasing the cat around the place and some of Chester’s guards come in to help him out. Tener takes the chaos as an opportunity to finish his book. Finally, some minutes later, the wolves and the guards are tired out so they call it a day and all go home. Chester walks back over to Tener.

Chester - Why didn’t you try and escape that time?

Tener - Well, my ride’s not here is it?

Chester gets mad and raises his phaser again.

Tener - You’re aware you can’t kill me, right?

Chester - I’m the one holding the phaser aren’t I?

Tener - It’s not sweeps week. You can’t do anything to hurt me.

Chester - Blast! Foiled again! Oh well, no point wasting a perfectly good opportunity for some target practice.

Tener gulps and hopes that he hasn’t screwed up his calendar and forgotten when sweeps week actually was. As Chester hits his trigger and a beam shoots out, Tener is transported away in a Starfleet transporter beam.


Khan - Yes?

Chester - Two things: First, get my ship ready. Secondly, explain to me why you’re still alive! I thought I ordered you to get exploded some time ago!

Scene 10 - The Halfass is high-tailing it back to Vulcan... what’s left of it anyway. All the senior officers except the medical staff are present on the bridge.

Righteous - ETA?

Center - Soon, sir. Stop asking.

Genocide - Hey, we’ve got company. There’s a Galaxy-class starship on an intercept course.

Senseless - On screen.


The view changes to show a Galaxy-class ship. It’s a normal Galaxy, except that its hull is black with red lines all over it, there are panther claws on the front of each warp nacelle, and there’s a big, fancy hood ornament at the front of the saucer.

Tener - Think maybe it’s just a pleasure craft?

Genocide - Seeing as it’s armed to the teeth and heavily defended, I’d say no.

Center - Not even the Celestial could stand up to something like that very well.

Baque - The Celestial couldn’t stand up to a meteoroid very well.

Senseless - How long until they catch up with us?

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - Zero seconds.


Senseless - Helm, evasive maneuvers.

Baque - What if I don’t want to!?!

Senseless - Then-

Righteous - WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!

Senseless - I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Baque - Um, if we can hold them off for another minute, I can drop us out of warp right around the Vulcan sun and complete the time warp.

Greaser - Wasn’t the Vulcan sun destroyed?

Consoles explode around them, as the crew sit staring off into space with a dumbfounded look on their faces.

Senseless - Son of a bitch...


Baque - Aye, sir, setting course for Bajor.

Center - How the hell..?

The Halfass does an about turn and flies back the way it came, ten metres above the top of the pimped-up Galaxy-class ship, breaking off the hood ornament.

Meanwhile, on the Orion Syndicate Ship Scratchingpost, as we now see it is named thanks to the nifty little subtitle at the bottom of the screen, Chester is yelling orders and getting really mad.

Chester - My god, you idiots can’t hit the broad side of a Terran elephant can you?

No-Name #1 - Sorry, my lord. I won’t miss again.

Chester kills No-Name #1 simply because he is incompetent.

Chester - You’re right, you won’t. You there, helm guy, follow them, maximum warp.

No-Name #2 - I can’t, my lord, they’ve emitted a graviton burst. I can’t enable a warp field.

Chester - Blast them and their superior Starfleet technical training!!! Where are they heading?

No-Name #2 points off in a random direction.

No-Name #2 - That way? I don’t know. They’re out of sensor range.

Chester then kills No-Name #2 because he is also incompetent.

Chester - Competent help is so hard to find these days...

Scene 11 - The Halfass has arrived at Bajor. They are approaching DS9 to dock when they finally remember that it is still Terok Nor.

Baque - Um... They’ve given us clearance to dock.


Senseless - Sir, we’re here to fix the time line, not take on a heavily fortified kilometre-in-diameter space station.

Genocide - Actually Terok Nor doesn’t have much in the way of weaponry. We could probably take them easily.


Baque - OH, SHUT UP!

Clunk Hiss!

Center - Docking procedure complete.

Senseless - Alright, now we get down to business. Genocide, fix up our weapons and make them better.

Genocide - With honor!

Senseless - Greaser, make sure all our repairs are complete.

Greaser - Yeah, yeah, throw all the work on the blue woman...

Senseless - Dr. Puker, we might need medical supplies. See to it.

Puker - Stoner will do it for me, won’t ya?

Stoner - First Surak dies, and now this.

Senseless - Captain, go pretend you are a Bajoran slave and get yourself killed.

Righteous - I’m good at being a Bajoran!

Senseless - Bios, make the necessary time warp calculations. Make sure we have enough time to get to Vulcan to seal the temporal anomaly.

Bios - Shouldn’t be too much of an impossible problem.

Senseless - That’s all. Any questions?

Righteous - Yeah, how does my getting killed help us blow up the typhoonal aneurysm?

Senseless - It helps us do our jobs better.

Bios - I have one question: When were you thinking of telling us that you plan to bring that stinky, hairy targ onboard in order to use his unstable cellular structure to generate an inversely charged temporal anomaly?

Senseless - I thought you already knew about that.

Bios - Oh, maybe I did. Well, how do you hope to trap him?

Greaser - Simple. We just go about our business and he’ll eventually show up.

Sure enough, as the work on the ship to get it ready for the impending battle with the OSS Scratchingpost and probably a half dozen Cardassian ships, a buildup of tachyon particles begins to form on the Promenade of Terok Nor. It finally opens with a bang, and Binky the Mistreated Targ flies out at warp speeds, several Borg implants still inside him.


Quark - What in the name of the Grand Nagus is going on here! Rom! Get over here and help me with this broken counter.

Rom - Yes, Brother!

They lift the debris off the counter and find Binky sitting there, drinking some kanar.

Quark - I hope you intend to pay for that.

Binky stops drinking and looks around. At the dabo wheel are three nasty-looking Cardassians, who appear to have drunk too much. Sitting next to him is Morn, who looks like he’s about to start talking about his family for hours on end. Entering the room is Odo and a team of Bajoran security guards. Descending the stairs from the upper level is Gul Dukat, who looks like he is having a really bad day.

Binky - Whee!!!

Within seconds a bar fight has started, with the drunk Cardassians beating up the security guards, Morn beating up Leeta (or being beat up by her, depending on the angle you view it at), Quark beating the stuffing out of Rom, who is beating the stuffing out of one of the Ferengi bartenders, who is beating the metamorphic fluid out of Odo, who is beating the living daylights out of Dukat. Binky is meanwhile being dragged away by a hungry Cardasssian vole.

Binky - WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Scene 12 - On the Promenade, Righteous, Baque, Greaser, and Tener start hearing all the commotion.

Greaser - Da hell?

Baque - Maybe it’s that targ.

Tener - Not likely.

Baque - Actually the script says that it is Binky so we should probably go check it out.


Greaser - The what???

Tener - I can see where this is going...

Scene 13 - Quark’s Bar. The fight is still going on and the vole is still dragging Binky around by the tail.

Quark - Rom! Get away from that cup!

Rom slams the cup down on Odo and compresses him into it. He then flips on a lid and seals the Changeling inside.

Rom - Look, brother! I did something right for once!

All of a sudden the USS Halfass slams into the side of the Promenade, bursting through the wall and sending the front of the ship into Quark’s Bar. A door at the edge of the saucer opens and a Starfleet security force jumps out and instantly gets killed. Tener and Genocide follow.

Genocide - There it is! Go get the targ while I fend off these intruders.

Tener - Actually sir, we’re the intruders here.

Genocide - Don’t question my orders!

Tener kills the vole, Morn, Quark, Rom, Nog, Leeta, Odo in his cup, Dukat, the Cardassians, the Bajoran security officers, and everyone else in the room as he tries to capture Binky. He finally gets him and the two officers go back into the ship and close the door.

On the Bridge, Genocide gets out of the lift and joins Righteous, Senseless, Greaser, Puker, Stoner, Baque, Center and anyone else I forgot to mention.

Genocide - Got him! I threw him into that weird contraption you rigged up, Bios.

Bios - It’s a temporal containment field!

Genocide - My report is calling it a weird contraption.

Baque - Mine too.

Bios - You people have no respect for the arts anymore.

Center - We’ve got company! Cardassian warships off the port aft.

Genocide - On it.

The Halfass swings around to face the Galor-class ships and fires its new weapons, which happen to be those weird powerful Romulan torpedoes that can take down the forward shields in a single volley. As Genocide fires, the force blows the ship backward and everyone smashes their heads on their consoles, or, in Righteous’ case, flies forward and slams into the viewscreen.

Righteous - Pah-Wraith’s damn it!

Senseless - What was that?

Genocide - We’ve punched through their lines. Permission to finish them off, sir?

Senseless - No. Lieutenant Baque, set a course for the Bajoran sun, full impulse.

Ten hours later, the Halfass approaches the Bajoran sun and prepares to go to warp speed.

Bios - Coordinates set, awaiting fly boy to send us into warp.

Baque - Don’t you start too.

Genocide - Ah come on! I wanna finish them off!

Senseless - No. Toc, engage.

Righteous - Yay! Soon I’ll be able get back to worshipping the Prophets!

Greaser - All stop! Damn it!

Senseless - We’ll deal with that problem when it arises.

Greaser - It has arisen, Commander!

Baque - Time warp in 47, 46, 45, 44,...

Genocide - Whatever happened to the good old ten-second countdown?

Baque - 40, 39, 38, 37, 36...

Bios - Got any queens?

Stoner - Go fish.

Baque - 31, 30, 29, 28, 27, 26,...

Senseless - Hey, they’re right, War and Peace was a long book.

Baque - 22, 21, 20, 19, 18...

Puker - See? What did I tell you? You’ve got heart murmurs.

Tener - If anything it’s from all your operations on me the last few years.

Baque - 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2-

Genocide - (Snore) ZZZZZZZZZ-Huh? What?

Baque - Zero!!!

Flash! Paramount transfers all the money from their reality shows to the FX department and a bunch of fancy crap happens, resulting in the Halfass being thrown two millennia into the past.

Senseless - Report!

Bios - It worked! We’re at the right time.

Righteous - The Celestial Temple?

Bios - In one piece, captain.

Genocide - Not for long... heh heh heh.


Genocide - ...Sorry...

Center - OH SHIZA! Something’s decloaking off the port bow!

Senseless - Identify it.

Beep! A channel opens and Chester appears on the viewscreen.

Chester - Thought you could get away from me, did you?

Senseless - How did you...?

Chester - Brilliant, really. I figured that the only time period you would be going to is this one, in order to destroy the temporal anomaly, thereby preventing your past selves from moving into the past and screwing everything up. I was able to also use time warp to follow you and I intend to not only destroy you, but modify the course of history to suit my purposes even better than they’ve already been served. Does that answer your question?

Senseless - Actually I was wondering how you were able to hack into our communications system.

Chester - Figures. Prepare for battle!

Genocide - Prepared!!!

Chester - ...WTF mite?

Genocide - You said “Prepare for battle!” so I prepared for battle. Phasers, disruptors, shields, and manoeuvring thrusters all online.

Chester - It was more of a figure of speech, not a command.

Genocide (Shrugs) - Whatever.

The battle commences with the Halfass throwing everything it has at the Scratchingpost. On Chester’s ship...

Henchman #3 - Sir, a lightbulb has exploded on deck 8.

Chester - Return fire! No one messes up my ship but me...

With that he spills one of his henchmen’s blood all over the carpet.

Chester - Life is just.

On the bridge of the Halfass...

Genocide - Direct hit to our forward weapons array. It’s offline.

Righteous - Ooh! Ooh! Shoot them halfway between the engineering hull and the saucer, in the neck!

Genocide - What?

Righteous - I saw it in a comic book once.

Genocide - Worth a try.

Genocide fires a torpedo right at the photon launcher on the OSS Scratchingpost, destroying the torpedo magazine.

On the ship’s bridge...

Chester - No! How did this happen!?!

Henchman #3 - They were better than us?

Chester kills Henchman #3 a few seconds before his ship explodes in a ball of fire, littering its debris all over the Bajoran system. On the Halfass...

Bios - If we head for Vulcan now, we’re still cutting it pretty close.

Senseless - Helm, set course for Vulcan, maximum warp.

The Halfass spins around and high tails it out of the system.

Bios - We aren’t going to make it. We need more speed!

Greaser - Diverting warp power to the engines.

Bios - Idiot! No change in our speed!

Greaser - Oh yeah... Well, let’s try some life support.

Center - Life support on decks 2 through whatever number this ship has has gone offline.

Bios - If we can keep up this speed, we’ll just make it in time.

Center - We’re breaking up!

Sure enough, hull plates are tearing off the ship as the Halfass barrels across the Quadrant.

Genocide - Ahhhh, there goes those new and improved weapons.

Baque - Almost there. Traveling at warp 9.0... 9.01... 9.02. We can’t get any faster.

Bios - I’ll go get Binky.

Senseless - Load him right into the torpedo tube.

Righteous - Now what?

Senseless - Now we wait...

Scene 14 - The Halfass drops out of warp near Vulcan.

Senseless - Are we too late?

Bios - We’re too late... the asteroid has already crashed into Vulcan. Damn. I was really looking forward to seeing all those Vulcans run amok and get killed by falling rock.

Stoner - Hey!

Righteous - What about the theoretic apple pie?

Bios - Oh, it’s opening in about ten seconds.

Baque - Ten, nine, eight-

Genocide - Fly boy?

Baque - Yes sir?

Genocide - Shut up.

Baque - Yes sir.

Greaser - Targ torpedo is armed.

Scene jumps to a picture of Binky with a Starfleet bomb arming mechanism attached to him.

Scene is back on the Bridge.

Senseless - Target the temporal anomaly.

Genocide - Targeted.

Dramatic pause.

Righteous - Flame!

Genocide - What?

Senseless - He means fire.

Genocide - Oh. Firing.

Binky flies out of the torpedo tube at Mach 7 and slams into the temporal anomaly, which creates a tachyon surge, opening an inversely charged temporal portal, sending Binky through time and closing the big, annoying temporal anomaly just as the Halfass from the past (actually it’s in the future but you get the idea) is entering it. Both are instantly wiped from the face of the galaxy.

Senseless - Finally. Set a course for the 24th century, maximum warp.

They all slingshot around the Vulcan sun and end up back where they started, in 2381.

Senseless - Activate the viewscreen.

The viewscreen shows several Federation starships. All of a sudden they start firing antimatter fireworks... at the Halfass... no, not really.

Senseless - What the—?

Center - We’re being hailed. Split screen.

Righteous - Oh goodie, question and answer time!


Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix are sitting on their respective bridges of the USS Litterbox and the USS Asskicker.

Nelix - Welcome back, morons!

Righteous - What’s this? A welcome home ceremony?

Spot - No it’s a “Congratulations, you didn’t totally screw up the time line” party.

Righteous - How could you know about all that?

Spot - The Bureau for Temporal Investigations or whatever it’s called informed us that your ship had entered a temporal anomaly. We assumed the worst, of course.

Senseless - Well, I think we did okay, for a bunch of brain dead zombies.

Spot - My thoughts exactly. We’re so impressed-

Nelix - I’m not-

Spot - -That we decided to give you a better ship.

Genocide - Oh, gee, what’s this one going to be? A Type-1 shuttle? That would be an improvement.

Spot - Heh heh heh... No. Set a course for Earth Spacedock. Litterbox and Asskicker out.


Senseless - Well guys? Any bets?

Baque - Excelsior class, probably.

Greaser - I’m betting Miranda class.

Bios - I’m hoping for an Akira.

Center - Maybe it’s just a better Sabre-class ship.

Senseless - Well, we won’t know till we get there. Mr. Baque, set a course for Earth. Warp 6.

Scene 15 - They enter Earth spacedock and see a shiny, brand spanking new starship waiting for them...

Senseless - It looks quite familiar...

Greaser - How is this going to be an improvement?

Righteous - Ooh, pretty!

Genocide - Who the hell painted the phaser emitters purple?

Baque - Looks fast though...

Bios - ...oh yeah...

The camera pans out and around the ship, showing a great big Opaka-class vessel sitting in front of them. On its hull is painted USS Celestial, NCC-80164.

Righteous - How did our registry number go down???

Senseless - This one looks finished. That means it should run a lot better than the old one.

Tener - I hope it’s got that new-ship smell to it.

Genocide - I can’t see Starfleet Command sending us into battle now. That ship is worth so much latinum and probably cost an arm and a leg off every person on Earth to build it. Damn.

Senseless - Begin docking procedures.

Center - We’re being hailed by the USS Litterbox. She just dropped out of warp.


Spot - Ah, you’re already here. Good. Like the new ship?

Righteous - Yeah, it’s great!

Spot - I thought so. Now, whatever you do, don’t beat the crap out of it. It’s the newest ship in the fleet so it’s kinda our latest technology. I’m not telling you to treat it like a kitten, just try not to--

C R U N C H ! ! !

Spot - Son of a bitch!! DAMN IT!!! GOD DAMN IT!!

The End