Episode 17: “Weekend of Fun”

Written by Swordtail

Published January 29, 2006

Scene 1 - Camera is on the bottom of the Celestial as the Captain’s Yacht detaches from the ship and takes off.

Righteous - Captain’s log, stardate 435522.7. After much soul searching, and a lot of research, I’ve finally realized that since it’s the Captain’s Yacht, I should be allowed to use it. That being said, I’m going to a Bajoran colony with Dr. Puker and Nurse Blavik. Apparently, the colony, which for some stupid reason lies within three lightyears of the Cardassian border, has contracted some kind of plague. Beats me why Starfleet didn’t send a medical ship and instead opted to send the Celestial... wait a minute...if they wanted to send the Celestial, why aren’t we taking the Celestial? End log.

Scene is now on the bridge of the Yacht.

Puker - Because the ship is needed elsewhere and no one on the Federation Council really cares much about Bajorans.

Righteous - But how are we going to save an entire colony with just the three of us? And how are we going to get back in time for work on Monday?

Blavik - The colony on Magellis III only has 47 inhabitants. It’s more of an outpost. We should be done before the weekend is over.

Righteous - Okay. Wait... Magellis III... that sounds familiar... have we ever been there before?

Puker - Captain, you lived there for five years, remember?

Righteous - Come to think of it, no. Does this mean we’re going to have a contrived character personality building episode?

Puker - Over my dead body. Engaging warp drive.

The Yacht zooms away. Meanwhile, on deck 8, Center, Baque, and Senseless are next to the door to the holodeck.

Baque - It took almost three days to download this program. Rumour has it that it’s the largest single holodeck program in existence. It encompasses an entire continent of characters, buildings, and environmental objects.

Senseless - And running this is okay for this ship?

Center - What better way to find out the Celestial’s capabilities than to run them to the max?

Senseless - Okay. Is it loaded yet?

Baque - Enough of it is. This thing is incredible! It’s so complex we need to use the entire auxiliary computer processor just to run it! I had to retract the wall between holodecks 1 and 2 because it said it couldn’t run the program in such a confined space. There, it’s done. Let’s go.

The three officers enter the holodeck. The emerge from an alleyway and the arch disappears. The look around and find themselves in what appears to be downtown Chicago.

Baque - Welcome to Chicago, early 21st century.

Everywhere, cars are going by, people are walking and talking, and stuff is happening. The sun is low in the sky and most of the buildings have their lights on. Standing out against the skyline is the Sears Tower.

Center - Oooh! Let’s go there first!

Senseless - Okay. Um, how? I don’t see any site to site transporters anywhere around here.

Baque - You never learned the fine art of hailing a taxi did you?

Senseless - Hailing a taxi? I thought subspace communications hadn’t been invented in the early 21st century?

Baque - They hadn’t, sir.

He walks over to the curb and raises his arm and gives a whistle.

Baque - Yo, taxi!

A yellow cab parks next to him. Baque gets in the front passenger’s seat and Senseless and Center get in the back.

Cab Driver - Where to?

Baque - That big tower over there.

Cab Driver - The Sears Tower?

Center - That’s the one.

Cab Driver - No problem.

The cab takes off and starts driving along the street. Baque turns around after putting on his seatbelt to talk to the other two senior staff.

Baque - This should be a good test of the program’s ability to adjust the perspective.

Scene 2 - Main engineering. Greaser is sitting at a console running some kind of diagnostic when something starts beeping.

Greaser - Woah! Main processor usage is at 89%! I’d better reroute functions to the auxiliary processor. Hey, Lieutenant Carlson, divert the diagnostic procedures to the auxiliary processor.

Lieutenant Carlson - Yes ma’am.

Greaser - Did I say you could name yourself?

Lieutenant Carlson - But you were the one who–

Greaser - You’re a no-name and don’t you ever forget it!

No-Name #1 - Yes ma’am... um, ma’am? The auxiliary processor usage is already at 100%.

Greaser - What? That’s impossible! What’s being run on it?

No-Name #1 - Holodecks 1 and 2 are using 50% each. However, there’s been some overflow and they’ve started calling on more processor power.

Greaser - Who’s using holodeck 1 and 2?

No-Name #1 - There’s a single program running in both. They’ve retracted the wall between them for more space. Commander Senseless, Lieutenant Baque, and Ensign Centre are inside.

Greaser - Well, screw them! The Commander told me to get this EPS system diagnostic done by noon and I intend to do so. Shut down the hologrid. I’ll deal with them, don’t worry.

No-Name #1 - Ah oh!

Greaser - What do you mean, “Ah oh?”

No-Name #1 - The holodeck won’t disengage! I can’t shut the program down!

Greaser - ...Well, it was bound to happen eventually.

Star Trek: Celestial! Starring! (Whoosh!) Captain Righteous Lee! (Whoosh!) Also Starring! Commander Jack Senseless! (Whoosh!) Lieutenant Commander Genocide! (Whoosh!) Lieutenant Commander Greaser! (Whoosh!) Dr. Puker! (Whoosh!) Lieutenant James Tener! (Whoosh!) Lieutenant Toc Baque! Lieutenant Bios! Ensign Blavik! Ensign Bob Center! (Rumble, rumble, rumble, FOOM! Flash! Boom!) Created by Swordtail!

Scene 3 - The Captain’s Yacht drops out of warp and enters a planet’s atmosphere. The Bajoran inhabitants stop digging in the soil long enough to look up and watch the 33.53-metre-long craft land on four stubby legs, then collapse under its own weight, crushing a couple cow-like creatures. The hatch opens and Righteous, Puker, and Blavik hop out.

Righteous - I was sure I told Lieutenant-Commander Greaser to fix that problem with the landing gear. Hey, did I tell her to fix the one with the ship’s landing gear, or am I just forgetting things?

Puker - Don’t worry about it, sir. Well, these people don’t look sick.

Blavik - Appearances can be deceiving. I suggest we run a full biosweep, whatever that is.

Puker - Okay, get on it. We’ll go talk with the village leaders.

While the Vulcan starts scanning stuff, the other two officers walk up to a Bajoran man who has come out to see him.

Guy - Hello. I’m Torrell Aden. Welcome to Magellis III.

Righteous - It’s an honour to be here. Hey, I know I should have gone before we left, but is there a bathroom around here anywhere?

Puker - Sir, there’s three on the yacht.

Righteous - Oh... now you tell me.

Torrell - I recognize that stupidity anywhere! Lee?

Righteous - Yay! You remember me! I’m touched... funny how I don’t remember you, though.

Torrell - Well, you always were like that. And you are..?

Puker - Doctor Vaughn Puker, Chief Medical Officer, USS Celestial. And the Vulcan woman wondering around back there is my assistant, Ensign Blavik.

Torrell - A doctor, good, good.

Puker - You said you had some kind of outbreak?

Torrell - Yes, yes, this way, please.

Puker waves to Blavik indicating where they’re going, then follows the other two as they make their way toward a small building.

Torrell - At first we thought the children were only pretending to be sick. It happens a lot, we gave them ice cream while they were sick once and now they’re spoiled.

Puker - So what happened?

Torrell - We gave them ice cream, but they didn’t get better. If anything, their symptoms got worse.

Righteous - Maybe they didn’t like that particular flavour.

Puker - I’ll take a look at them. Has anyone else been affected?

Torrell - Well a whole bunch of old farts dropped dead a while ago, but it was bound to happen, eh?

Puker - Perhaps.

The trio enter the building and walk around the rows of beds holding sick kids. Puker starts scanning them with his tricorder.

Puker - Hmm...

Righteous - Well?

Puker - Well, what?

Righteous - Did you find anything?

Puker - I just found out my tricorder needs a new battery soon. This one is almost to the point where it can’t be charged by the induction fields on the ship.

Torrell - Did you find anything out about the kids?

Puker (waving in the general direction of the kids) - Yes, yes, they’re all going to die soon.

Everyone in the room goes silent and stares at them.

Torrell - How can you be sure?

Puker - It’s simple, really. You said that a whole bunch of old farts died, and my scans of the kids indicate an attack on their immune systems. My guess is that virus attacks people with weak immune systems, namely the young and the old. If the old farts died, the kids don’t have long to live either.

Torrell - Is there anything you can do?

Puker - Oh, probably not.

Righteous pulls him aside.

Righteous (quietly) - Look, I know they’re all unnamed brats, but do you know how low this show’s ratings will drop if you let a whole bunch of kids die like this?

Puker (quietly) - Fine, fine. - (To all the others) - I’ll do my best.

Righteous - You see? He said he’ll do his best! I once had a splinter, and he said he’d do his best to get it out, and viola! No more splinter! Had to get a new finger, but anyway...

Scene 4 - Main engineering. As Greaser works frantically to shut down the holodecks, Bios, Genocide, and Tener run in.

Genocide - What’s going on? I just lost weapons control.

Bios - Why is the main computer working so hard?

Greaser - They were running some kind of holodeck simulation on holodecks 1 and 2 and it took up so much computer power I’ve lost control over it.

Genocide - Shut it down!

Greaser - I can’t! It’s not responding.

Genocide - Then just pull the plug! It’s not like it’s a special program or anything. I heard Toc talking about it this morning. It’s just something he was able to download off the subnet.

Greaser - Okay, we’ll pull the plug.

Bios - I wouldn’t do that if I were you!

Greaser - Why not?

Bios - If you “pull the plug,” you’ll shut down the photonic forcefields, but where do you think all that build up photonic energy is going to go?

Tener - Back into the ship’s power grid?

Bios - Yeah, but it’s going to get to it by going through our comrades.

Greaser - You’re right about that, aren’t you?

Bios - We’ve finally made up a plausible reason for not simply pulling the plug on a holodeck malfunction!

Genocide - So if we can’t shut it down, what do we do?

Tener - First thing to do is to alert the Commander. I doubt they even know something is wrong.

Greaser - Already tried. The communicators aren’t working inside the program.

Bios - Here, let me at it...

Scene 5 - Within the program, the officer’s taxi is on the freeway on it’s way to the Sears Tower. Center glances out the window and spies something on a LED billboard that makes him jump.

Center - Commander! What’s that?!?

Senseless and Baque look to where Center’s pointing. On the billboard, a picture of the USS Celestial flashes across the screen, followed by the words “Holodeck malfunctioning? Unable to shut it down without killing everyone in it? Well have no fear, because with the new DrainAll 360 you’ll be running again in no time....” and other stuff like that.

Baque - Did that thing just say what I think it said?

Senseless taps his commbadge.

Senseless - Senseless to Greaser, what’s going on?

Nothing.

Senseless - Senseless to Genocide, Senseless to Bios... Senseless to anyone!

Shortly after he says the last one Baque’s and Center’s commbadges repeat it.

Baque - Well, your commbadge is still working, so that means that something must have gone wrong with the program.

Cab Driver - What are you guys talking about?

Senseless - Let us out here, we’ll walk the rest of the way.

Cab Driver - Your funeral.

He pulls the taxi over and the three officers get out.

Cab Driver - That’ll be $50.

Baque - Computer, delete Cab Driver from the program.

Cab Driver - Yeah, right, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve gotten that line, let’s just say I wouldn’t be working as a cab driver.

Baque - Err...

With a quick motion, he grabs the Cab Driver’s head in both hands and gives it a quick twist.

Senseless - Was that truly necessary?

Baque - How much do you want to bet the safety protocols are not working? Huh? How much?

Senseless - Point taken.

Center - Where to?

Senseless - First we have to get some more local clothes. The subroutines that keep holodeck characters from picking up things they shouldn’t be able to understand must be offline.

Baque - Maybe we should try to find the holodeck control panel. It must be around here somewhere. Perhaps we can get the program working from there.

Senseless - Why don’t they just pull the plug?

Center - I’m sure they’re thinking hard about it.

Scene 6 - Magellis III. After an exhaustive three hours of scanning everything in sight, Dr. Puker has only come to the conclusion that yes, his tricorder does need a new battery.

Puker - After an exhaustive sweep of the area, the only thing I’m able to discern is yes, I do need a new tricorder battery.

Torrell - What about the children?

Blavik - What about the other patients we need this tricorder to treat?

Righteous - I think I know that’s going on here.

Puker - Oh?

Righteous - Mr. Torrell, what year is it here?

Torrell - Well, by your calendar, 2382.

Righteous - Ah, I guessed as much. Aden, this may come as something of a surprise, but the year is actually, 2381.

Everyone in the room stops coughing, crying, or doing stuff and stares at Righteous. Crickets can be heard chirping in the background.

Puker - Um, sir?

Righteous - Yes, Vaughn?

Puker - The year is 2382.

Righteous - Oh. Well there goes my only theory. Sorry guys!

Puker - Ensign, have you found anything?

Blavik - I may have, sir. Tell me, Mr. Torrell, how much do you know about the forest to the north of here?

Torrell - Not much, we generally stay away from it. The trees aren’t made of wood and there’s a lot of thorny bushes. Why do you ask?

Blavik - The virus particle has a similar RNA sequence to one of the plants I found growing on the outskirts of the forest. I believe the children may have become infected while playing there.

Righteous - Well, what about the adults?

Puker - Once infected, the children probably acted as an incubator for the virus, and it mutated into an air-born form.

Torrell - How do you people know so much about medicine?

Puker - Eight years of med school will do that to a person. It also makes you have a strong stomach. Now if you’ll please excuse me, I’m going to go get a new battery for my tricorder.

Righteous - No, I think we’re going to go check out that forest. I once went there when I was a kid and I never got infected.

Blavik - Actually I’m detecting that the virus generally only attacks persons with a certain percentage of active brain tiss–

Puker elbows her in the ribs then mumbles in her ear:

Puker - Ickmae on the insultae our bossae, si vous plait?

Blavik - Understood, Doctor.

The three leave the room and head off toward some trees.

Scene 7 - Main engineering. Just like Center predicted, the crew are thinking very hard about pulling the plug.

Greaser - Do we really like them enough to spend all this trouble to save their lives?

Tener - She’s got a point.

Genocide - True... but just think what Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix would say.

Greaser - Well, Admiral Nelix would probably congratulate us, but it would be a short-lived high since Admiral Spot would rip open our jugulars with her claws and urinate in our wounds.

Genocide - Why isn’t there some kind of failsafe that prevents the holoprogram from stopping to respond to commands?

Greaser - That’s actually a good question. Guess we’ll never know.

Scene 8 - Inside the holodeck, Senseless, Center, and Baque are once again in the taxi, but this time Baque is driving with Senseless in the passenger seat and Center sitting in the back holding a revolver in his hand.

Senseless - I can understand needing a car, but was robbing the bank and killing everyone inside truly necessary?

Baque - Yes sir, it was.

Center glances out the back window and spots three black unmarked cars pull up and surround them.

Center - Ah oh!

Senseless - Lieutenant, if you please.

Baque does some quick piloting manoeuvres and tries to evade the black cars. Inside are men dressed in black suits and wearing sunglasses. Oddly, they all look the same.

Center - What is this, the Attack of the Elrond Fans?

Baque - Actually I think that’s supposed to be Agent Smith from The Matrix... and I really don’t like where this is going because the program isn’t supposed to have anything non-real in it.

One of the agents pulls out a gun and fires point blank and blows a hole in the side of car.

Senseless - JESUS CHRIST! Return fire!

Center takes a shot but the agent dodges the bullet somehow. Another agent jumps on top of the car, shoves his hand through the window, grabs Senseless by the front of his uniform, and pulls him through the window, then drags him back to one of the unmarked cars, which proceeds to back away from the other cars and the taxi.

Baque - Time to try some unsafe velocities.

Baque makes a hard 90 degree turn and smashes into a double-trailer gas truck, which explodes violently, destroying the remaining cars.

Baque - ...Well at least the safety protocols are still working.

Then a brick falls and hits him square in the head.

Baque - OW!!! DAMN IT! I spoke too soon!

Scene 9 - Righteous, Blavik and Puker are walking through a forest. Everywhere birds are chirping. It’s high noon but the canopy is so dense that the trees block the sun and it’s quite dark in the woods. Being that as it is, the three are holding wrist-lights.

Puker - You think the battery in this wrist light would work in my tricorder?

Righteous - Where are we going?

Blavik - We’re looking for anything that might have transmitted the virus to the children.

Righteous - Why do we need the cure those spoiled brats again?

Puker - Because we ourselves are now infected and we can’t risk infecting half the ship so we need to stay here until we find a cure.

Blavik - Why don’t we just use the high-tech diagnostic and treatment facility on the yacht?

Puker - Now that wouldn’t be very fun, would it?

Righteous - Hey what’s that thing in the tree over there?

Puker - What thing?

Righteous - This one.

He pushes a glowing symbol on the tree and a big hole opens in the ground right beneath the three officers.

Puker, Blavik, Righteous - AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

THUD!

Scene 10 - On the observation deck of the Sears Tower, Senseless is tied to a chair as three Agent Smith’s stand around him.

Smith 1 - Mr. Senseless... surprised to see me?

Senseless - Yes, I am.

Smith 1 - Then you–Oh, you are, are you?

Senseless - What are you doing in this program?

Smith - I don’t quite understand it myself. Perhaps something got moved or deleted... perhaps the program loaded a foreign subroutine. What matters is that I’m here now and I don’t intend to leave.

Senseless - So you’re a virus?

Smith 1 - There’s the pot calling the kettle black... no, Mr. Senseless, I am not a virus. I am the cure to such a virus.

The other two Smith’s activate an LCD projector and an animated picture of the Celestial is projected onto one wall.

Senseless - That’s not right...

Smith 1 - Your main computer has been quite forthcoming... so your ship is fully covered with holoprojectors? That’s interesting...

Senseless - What do you want?

Smith 1 - What we want we intend to get. Give us the command codes to allow us complete access to the ship’s systems, including life support!

Senseless - Over, my, dead, body.

Smith 1 - That can be arranged, Mr. Senseless.

Scene 11 - Main engineering. Bios is sitting in front of a monitor which is displaying a large amount of scrolling alphanumeric code.

Greaser - You can read this?

Bios - Sort of. I pretty much know what’s going on if that’s what you mean. You don’t actually read machine code, but I suppose you say I can.

Genocide - What’s going on?

Bios - Something’s happened to the program. I’m reading foreign subroutines in the simulation. And I don’t like what’s happening much at all...

Tener - What’s happening?

Bios - Somehow it loaded the Agent Smith program from The Matrix programs. If I’m reading correctly, they’re already taking over normal holo-characters and are attempting to gain access to the ship’s systems. If they can get the proper access codes they might be able to control the ship.

Genocide - From the holodeck?

Bios - No, they’d have to leave the holodeck and... Shut down all holoemitters on the ship!

Greaser - Gotcha.

Camera goes to sickbay where the EMH is operating on a no-name.

EMH - Don’t worry, there is no risk to this at all.

Bzzzzzzt! The EMH deactivates and the scalpel it was holding falls two feet and impales the no-name’s forehead. Camera goes back to engineering.

Bios - They’ve injected the commander with some kind of truth serum. Soon, he’ll tell them whatever they want to know.

Tener - Can’t you just change the access codes?

Greaser - Not without the Captain’s authorization and I doubt he remembers the code anyway.

Bios - Um, there is another option. Senseless is currently in holodeck 2... Baque and Center are in holodeck 1... we could kill the power to holodeck 2... it would kill Senseless but save the ship and the other two...

Grease places her hand over a big red button which is flashing “#2".

Greaser - Jack, you’ve been like a captain to us and... ah screw it, time to die.

Genocide pulls her hand away from the console.

Genocide - Stop... I’m going in.

Tener - Are you crazy? Wait, dumb question... I’ll come too.

Five minutes later, Genocide and Tener are standing outside the door to the holodeck.

Bios (over the comm) - What do you need?

Genocide - Guns... lots of guns...

Scene 12 - On Magellis III (just a random name I pulled out of my ass), Blavik, Puker, and Righteous regain consciousness down in some hole.

Puker - Why the heck would there be a big trap door with a hole in the middle of nowhere?

Righteous - Better question: How many molecules are there in a single piece of burnt toast?

Blavik - Shouldn’t you have asked how we intend to get out?

Righteous - Yeah, that too.

Righteous takes out his phaser and levels it and pulls the trigger. As the other two duck, Righteous swings the beam around the room and tears the cylindrical room to pieces. At last, a large door falls open on one side.

Righteous - Yay! It worked!

Puker - Captain, you nearly got us killed!

Rightous - Don’t worry, the phaser was only on stun.

Blavik - Actually you had it on full power, sir.

Righteous - Really? I always thought the red lights meant it was on stun. Oh well. I suppose I should have followed up on all those miners I stunned, err, vaporised a few years ago.

The trio enter the narrow hallway which the door was blocking.

Righteous - ANYONE HOME?!?

Blavik - I somehow doubt that. Oxygen decay indicates that this hallway hasn’t been used in over five hundred years.

Puker - Judging by the stone walls, I’d say this was built by a prewarp civilization.

Blavik - Perhaps a race native to this world?

Righteous - I hope they’re not too mad we used their planet...

Puker - Reports of this planet indicated that aside from the colony, no other intelligent life is present on this planet.

They approach a large spherical room.

Righteous - Have you ever noticed we seem to waste most of our away missions walking through abandoned hallways and vacant rooms that have no purpose to the plot whatsoever?

As they enter the room, a faint crackling can be heard.

Blavik - Fascinating... there seems to be an ambient electromagnetic force present here.

Righteous - My hair is standing on end...

All of a sudden Blavik drops her tricorder. About half a second later, a bolt of lightning jumps from one of the walls and hits the tricorder. The three officers look at its melted remains.

Puker - What the...

Blavik - Just before it happened, my tricorder picked up a plausibly technobabblish energy field increasing exponentially. Readings indicated that the metal in the tricorder was about to act as a conduit.

Puker - Aren’t the commbadges made of metal?

Blavik - Yes, but as long as the object’s aren’t on, they shouldn’t attract the energy.

Righteous - I thought the locator beacons were always on...

Blavik - True...

The three quickly grab and throw their commbadges into the middle of the room as a bolt of lightning shoots out and vaporises all three at the same time.

Blavik - There’s a door on the other side of this room!

Righteous - I don’t know, it’s kinda cool here...

The other two grab each of his arms and start running to the other side of the room. Once they make it out...

Puker - Oh, great... My tricorder won’t turn on now. Battery’s dead.

Blavik - And mine has been destroyed...

Righteous - And we can’t call the ship...

Puker - Which means that unless one of you thought to lay down a trail of bread crumbs, we’re lost in a dark forest on an unfamiliar planet.

Righteous - Prophets damn it!

Scene 13 - A busy city street in downtown Chicago. All is calm... or is it?!?! Okay, it is. Genocide and Tener walk into the bottom floor of the Sears Tower and up to a checkpoint. Genocide steps through and an alarm goes off.

Guard #1 - Sir, do you have any metal objects on you?

Genocide opens his trench coat, revealing a pen knife. Tener smacks himself in the forehead.

Genocide - I knew I was forgetting something! Oh well, time to improvise.

He grabs the guard’s head in both hands and twists. He then takes the gun from the guard’s dead body and shoots another nearby guard. Tener, who remembered to actually bring the guns, pulls out a phaser rifle and starts blasting around. One guard manages to hide behind a pillar and radios out:

Guard #2 - Need backup!

After disposing of him and the other remaining guards, Tener tosses Genocide a phaser and they both move over to the elevator, which is currently on its way down. Both level their phasers.

Genocide - No matter what comes through that door, stand your ground.

Ding! The door opens, revealing Barney the purple dinosaur.

Barney - I LOVE YOU!!!

Genocide, Tener - AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

While Tener takes off running, Genocide backs away slowly as he resets his phaser to full power. As Barney tries to give him a great big hug, Genocide fires and Barney is vaporised. Unfortunately, the beam also took out part of the holodeck wall, resulting in the program treating it like a structural failure in the building.

Meanwhile, at the top...

Smith 2 - Something’s wrong...

Smith 3 - The building is losing integrity. We need to leave.

Senseless - What’s the matter? Can’t stay in an area without your ugliness destroying it?

Smith 1 - Take him!

However, in another rip-off of The Matrix, a helicopter flies close to the windows. Inside are Baque who is flying it, and Center who has his hands on a Gatling gun.

Baque - Fire!

Center pulls the trigger and blows the window, the three Agents, and most of the back wall to shreds. His aim isn’t that good and he accidentally clips the Commander’s shoulder.

Baque - Way to go, moron!

Center - Oh yeah? Well if you would kindly pay attention to the fact that the building’s about to collapse you might come to the conclusion I don’t have time to be careful!

Senseless gets up and runs over to the window, and jumps out... and falls because he misjudged the distance.

Senseless - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Baque - Hang on!

He slams the control stick to the front and the chopper drops like a rock, now being propelled downward by the blades. Center manages to grab a hold of Senseless, but a large piece of debris hits the tail of the helicopter and it begins to spin out of control. Meanwhile, on the ground floor, Genocide and Tener are running for their lives.

Tener - I TOLD YOU IT WASN’T A GOOD IDEA TO BRING PHASERS INTO THE HOLODECK!!!

Genocide - JUST SHUT UP AND RUN!!!

Camera watches as the building begins to collapse. Camera then goes to the ‘copter, which is now spiraling out of control. Camera goes to main engineering where Bios’s face goes white as she sees what’s about to be simulated on the holodeck.

Bios - Oh... sh*t!

Greaser - Huh?

Bios - All hands, brace for impact! Lieutenant-Commander, grab hold of something.

In a massive process, all the holodeck’s built up energy is used to simulate the collapse of the Sears Tower. Just as the helicopter is about to hit the ground at 200km/h, and just as a cloud of shuttle-sized debris is about to hit Genocide and Tener, the hologrid blows out (along with a whole bunch of EPS conduits, I might add) and the five officers find themselves dropping about two metres to the hard and burnt holodeck floor.

Tener - We’re alive? We’re alive!

Senseless - What just happened?

As Genocide starts to explain, holodeck 1, just twenty metres from where they’re sitting, pretty much explodes.

Scene 14 - Puker, Righteous, and Blavik are walking through the pitch black forest.

Puker - Sir, we’ve passed that tree twice before.

Righteous - How would you know, all the trees in this forest look the same anyway.

Puker - Because of that.

He points to the tree which has been engraved with “Lee was here 2382.”

Righteous - Oh. So... now what?

Blavik - I suggest we attempt to use the phaser as a beacon. The others are most likely looking for us.

Puker - Good idea.

He sets his phaser on it’s lowest setting and fires straight up. The beam bursts through the canopy and up into the night sky.

Righteous - Yay, it’s working!

A loud growling sound comes from behind them.

Puker - Ah oh...

A large bear like creature jumps out at them and knocks Puker to the ground, throwing the phaser out of his hand. He gets up and the three officers take off running as fast as they can.

Blavik - That appeared to be a large carnivorous animal of some sort.

Righteous - AHHH!!

Puker - Sir it’s probably not as fast as us but every other member of its species can probably hear your yelling.

Righteous - AHHHHHHH!!!

They run headlong into a bunch of thorny bushes with the animal hot on their trail.

OW! OUCH! DRAT! OW!! OOH!

They emerge on the other side in a big field and run straight for the Captain’s Yacht, which is parked only a few hundred metres away. As they step through the airlock, they turn around and see three of the animals bounding along towards them.

Puker - CLOSE THE DOOR!

Righteous hits a button and the airlock closes. The three of them make their way to the control centre.

Righteous - Okay, Genocide explained this once... now where are the weapons...?

Blavik - Doctor, I’ve managed to feed your tricorder data into the ship’s medical database and I’ve discovered that the viral particle is almost exactly like the ancient SARS virus. Providing a cure should be no problem.

Puker - You mean we ran through kilometres of forest, let my tricorder’s battery go dead, almost got electrocuted, and very nearly got eaten all to look for the source of a virus that’s been curable for centuries?!?!

Blavik - It appears so, Doctor.

Camera goes out into space and watches as the planet shakes:

Puker - DAMN IT!!! GOD DAMN IT!!!

The End... NOT!

Scene 15 - Main engineering. Consoles are sparking, fires are smouldering, and tempers are flaring as the senior staff try to piece together what happened just a few minutes ago.

Bios - Yep, there’s a hole three decks deep under holodeck 1. I hope you’re happy.

Baque - Well, I am!

Senseless - Did you even read the fine print on this thing? It says “Do not use onboard a starship!” Learn to read!

Baque - Learn to jump!

Senseless (turning to Center) - Learn to shoot!

Genocide - Exactly what I’ve been trying to teach him for three years.

Greaser - Was it really three years?

Tener - Probably more like ten seconds.

Senseless - So how long until the holodecks are back online?

Greaser - Four weeks at the earliest!

Senseless (sighs) - I’m getting a headache. I’ll be in sickbay.

Bios - Doctor isn’t here, remember?

Senseless - I’ll use the EMH. He gets restless when he’s not used anyway.

Bios - The entire hologrid all over the ship is offline.

Greaser - Four... weeks... at... the... least...

Senseless - God... damn... it!

The End