Episode 18: “Incompetent Regress”

Written by Swordtail

Published February 27, 2006

Scene 1 - Captain Righteous Lee is strolling down a corridor one fine afternoon. His boots shined, his uniform ironed, and a big smile on his face. He can’t quite remember why he’s smiling but that’s not important right now, because he just realized that the deck he’s on has a corridor that goes around the entire deck in a big circle. Okay, so no, he hasn’t figured it out yet and is actually thinking that this is one long corridor.

Righteous - Boy, is this a long corridor. I’ve been walking for three hours already and still haven’t gotten anywhere!

He passes a couple of yellow shirts.

Righteous - Hello, my loyal crew-peoples. How are you today?

No-Name #1 - Um, feeling sick, actually, sir. We were on our way to sickbay.

Righteous - Well, you’re in for a walk then. The last turbolift I saw was three hours ago.

The no-names just look away and keep walking. Meanwhile, in another part of that deck (deck 6 actually), Baque and Blavik are chatting about something...

Baque - ...So I figured that if you snuck into his quarters and mind-melded with him while he was asleep, you could figure out the battle plan he’s going to use and my team could win the game. How does ten percent of the winnings sound to you?

Blavik - Aside from the fact the Federation doesn’t use currency so your winnings are useless to me, and even though I have no objection to breaking into Lieutenant-Commander Genocide’s private quarters and trying not to get killed, my mind-meld license has been revoked because I refused to pay my union dues.

Baque - Ah come on, how are they going to find out? There’s only 17 Vulcans on the ship other than you and I somehow doubt they’d tell anyone.

Blavik - Believe me, Lieutenant, they have ways of finding out...


Meanwhile, on Vulcan, a Vulcan guy sitting in an armchair suddenly stands up.

Vulcan Guy #1 - Someone just farted in the general direction of Romulus without a “Farting in General Directions” license! Quick! To the Logic-mobile!

The IDIC symbol zooms in and out as funky colours twirl on the background

Opening credits. Not to be confused with the similar closing credits, which just show a bunch of stars and some words that no one pays any attention to.

Scene 2 - Briefing room. Senseless, Puker, Blavik, Center, Baque, Genocide, Tener, Bios, and Greaser are present. They’re all looking rather bored and keep shooting glances at the empty chair at the head of the table.

Baque - Late again...

Senseless - Well, let’s start this without him then. Lieutenant Commander Greaser may have spilled the beans on this already, but I’ll tell you all anyway. We’ve been chosen to be the first starship that will use the new tritium injector assembly with the new quantum flux warp core.

Genocide - In English please?

Bio - We’re going to test out a new warp core that can use tritium as well as deuterium.

Tener - Doesn’t sound too safe.

Greaser - Well, I always figure that when Starfleet Command gives us things like this they’re either really happy with us and want to reward us, or they’re really pissed and hope we destroy ourselves. Usually turns out to be the latter.

Baque - So that means we won’t be doing anything while you’re installing the new warp core?

Greaser - Yeah, I guess not.

Genocide - Score! Blue team, you’re going down!

Greaser - Was that some racist remark?

Tener - No, he’s talking about the Elite Force holomatch we’ve got scheduled for tomorrow morning. Guess you won’t be attending?

Greaser - Tomorrow morning? Let me think... yep, should have the main core installed by then. We’ll probably be running long and boring systems diagnostics at that time. I’ll join the Blue team.

Puker - No surprise there.

Senseless - Who’s on what team?

Genocide - Myself, Ensign Centre, Dr. Puker, and Lieutenant Tener are on the red team, Lieutenant Baque, Ensign Blavik, Lieutenant Bios, and Lieutenant-Commander Greaser are on the blue team.

Senseless - Well, I’ll join the blue team too then.

Tener - Ah crap... that means we get the captain. Thanks a lot, Commander.

Baque - Hey, we might just win this now!

Center - I’ll tell the captain. Center to Captain Righteous...

No response...

Center - Righteous, please come in...

Still no response. The crew all get puzzled looks on their faces.

Senseless - Computer, locate Captain Righteous.

Computer - Captain Righteous is wandering around on deck 6.

Senseless - Open the intership comm system in that area.

Computer - Beoop de doop!

Senseless - Captain, why aren’t you responding?

Righteous - Apples! Apples! I like apples!

Bios - He sounds even dumber than usual.

Puker - Grr... I’d better go check on him.

Puker gets up and leaves the room.

Senseless - Well, if that’s everything, dismissed. Oh and one more thing. Red sucks!

With that he, Greaser, Bios, Baque, and Blavik run out of the room.

Scene 3 - Dr. Puker catches up to Righteous, who is now looking at a stained spot on the carpet.

Righteous - Hello, Doctor. Did you know these carpets stain? We’ll have to clean it now! Just imagine the implications!

Puker - Are you feeling alright, Captain?

Righteous - Never better! I just realized this is a really long corridor! Why, we could run marathons in here.

Puker - Captain, this is a looping corridor. You’ve been going around in circles for the last three and a half hours.

The smile on Righteous’s face disappears.

Righteous - Oh... Right... Maybe I should go to sickbay.

They both walk to the nearest turbolift. As the lift goes down one deck and over five sections, Righteous begins to hum the Johnny Appleseed song. They enter sickbay, where Ensign Blavik is already there treating a Vulcan no-name with a paper cut.

Blavik - I still don’t see the logic in using paper when we have too many more advanced recording devices in stock.

Puker - Here sir, on the biobed.

Righteous lays on the biobed and starts pushing the button that makes the full body scanner go up and down.

Righteous - Scanner goes up, scanner goes down, scanner goes up, scanner goes down.

No-Name #2 - I’d better get back to my shift. Thank you for the dermal regenerator.

The Vulcan goes to the door as Righteous keeps playing with the surgical equipment. All of a sudden, an annoying theme song to an ancient television show can be heard playing...

Voice - Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na–

The sickbay doors open, revealing Vulcan Guy.

Vulcan Guy - LOGIC MAN!

Righteous - Yay! Super heroes!

Logic Man walks over to No-Name #2 and starts writing him a ticket.

Logic Man - No-Name #2, you have been charged with farting in the general direction of Romulus without a “Farting in General Directions” license. I hear by revoke your “License for Logic.”

No-Name #2 - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As No-Name #2 takes off down the corridor, being chased by the Vulcan Guy who is dressed all in white robes with a white mask over his eyes, Puker starts taking scans of Righteous.

Puker - Oh no!

Blavik - What is it, Doctor?

Puker - His synaptic pathways are degrading! Puker to Senseless, you’d better get down here right away.

Senseless - Acknowledged, Senseless out.

About an hour later... Senseless finally walks into sickbay, followed by Greaser, Genocide, and Center.

Puker - What took you so long?

Senseless - You neglected to tell me where “down here” was. I couldn’t ask the computer because Greaser took it offline.

Greaser - I did not! It was Bios!

Genocide - So what’s going on?

Puker - For some reason, his synaptic pathways are degrading. I can’t figure out why. There’s no evidence of viral or bacterial infection, no foreign chemicals, no nerve damage, nothing! If I can’t stop it, he’ll be brain-dead in less than 48 hours.

Genocide - And that’s a problem why?

Blavik - Starfleet just recently passed a directive that instructs all starships to forgo all activities while the captain is dying of immense stupidity. You can’t have your holomatch until he’s better.

Genocide - DAMN IT! I hate Starfleet!

Senseless - Is there any way to stop the degradation?

Puker - Not medically. However, I’m willing to try other methods to treat him.

Senseless - Such as?

Puker - Vulcan mind meld.

Blavik - I believe I already told you I’m not allowed to perform mind melds without a “Perform Mind Melds On Idiots” license.

Puker - Nonsense. Who’s going to know?

Blavik - Logic Man will know.

Genocide - Oh, don’t worry about Logic Man...

Blavik - Very well, since it’s for a good cause, the holomatch, I’ll perform the meld. I’ll need an hour to prepare.

Puker - Okay, we’ll be ready then.

Righteous - Apples!

Senseless - You know, that’s not the first time I’ve heard him exclaim “apples” for no reason. I’m just trying to think back to where it was... Oh wait... I wasn’t there, was I? Never mind then.

Scene 4 - Logic Man is using his high-tech logic glasses to find No-Name #2 so he can arrest him for evading the Vulcan High Command’s top agent. Then, out of nowhere, Binky the Mistreated Targ pops out of a temporal portal wearing a white cape with the same IDIC symbol as on Logic Man’s cape on it and also wearing a white eye mask.

Logic Man - Ah, my trusty sidekick Binky the Mistreated Targ. How kind of you to join me.

They end up outside the entrance to holodeck 3.

Logic Man - Our adversary is inside! Computer! Open this door in the name of logic!

The door opens and Binky and the Vulcan step inside. However, due to some weird coincidence, they’re in the same holodeck that Baque, Bios, and Greaser are practising for tomorrow’s match. Baque spies Logic Man, but mistakes him for a holodeck character.


All three officers get up and start blasting at Binky and Logic Man, who recoil at being ambushed.

Logic Man - Logic Man to Logicmobile, two to beam aboard!

Both are beamed aboard a nearby Vulcan shuttlecraft.

Baque - Hey, I wonder whatever happened to that no-name that came in here a minute ago?

Little do they know, the no-name got jammed in the doors and is now nothing more than a pool of green goo.

Bios - Frag! I win!

Baque - Huh?

As he and Greaser turn around, Bios hits them with the Arc Welder weapon.

Scene 5 - Sickbay. A whole bunch of candles are sitting all over the place and Vulcan crap adorns the walls. Blavik stops meditating and goes over to the main biobed which has Righteous on it. Puker walks over and places a cortical monitor on both of them.

Puker - What’s the candles for?

Blavik - ...I don’t know...

Righteous - Apples! Muffins! Kitties! Two-for-one deals!

Blavik - Time to begin.

She places her hands on Righteous’s face like every other Vulcan always does.

Blavik - My mind to your mind... my thoughts to your thoughts... my intelligence to your intelligence--

BOOM! A bolt of blue energy sparks off of Righteous’s forehead and throws Blavik across the room. Puker and some blue shirts run over and check to see if she’s okay.

Puker - What the hell just happened?

Blavik - It would appear that our minds are incompatible. While I’m using an IQ of about 124, he’s using one of about 15, and the incompatibility caused a telepathic energy spike along his neo-cortex which resulted in a feedback loop with destroyed the connection and very nearly liquified both of our prefrontal lobes.

Puker - I have no idea what you just said, but I’ll buy it. But if you can’t mind-meld with him, how are you going to figure out what’s wrong with him?

Blavik - I will go research such problems like the one I just experienced. I know they’ve been solved before, or how else could Spock meld with Kirk?

Puker - Did Spock ever meld with Kirk anyway?

Blavik - Well they were on that ship for five years and bored 80% of the time, so I’m guessing it happened once or twice.

Puker - Okay, in the meantime I’ll check the captain’s medical records and cross reference them with the Bajoran central medicinal archives. Maybe they mention a hereditary disease that could account for this.

Blavik - I have no idea what you just said, but I’ll buy it.

Puker - Well, aren’t we a pair?

Scene 6 - Camera zooms in on a Romulan warbird as it cloaks. On the bridge, we once again see Commander Spliff, who should be dead but isn’t.

Spliff - Why did we just cloak?

No-Name Romulan #1 - Because we can.

Beep, beep, beep!

Romulan #2 - According to this indicator, which means nothing, we should go investigate a certain nothing and destroy it. Your orders, Commander?

Spliff - Well, I’ve never been one to go against protocol. Set a course for that certain “nothing” or whatever it is. And activate the “thing” that gets done by the thing.

Scene 7 - Bridge of the Celestial. Baque is sitting in his chair with his feet up on the console, looking around and busy being bored.

Baque - (sigh).

Looks around.

Baque - Man do I wish something exciting would happen right about now...

No-Name #3 - Sir! There’s some kind of tachyon signature approaching at warp 8. I think it’s a cloaked ship!

Baque - Son of a b**ch!

No-Name #3 - Your orders, sir?

Baque - Not in the mood for this. I’m setting a course deeper into Federation space, warp 8.2. No cloaked ships are going to bother me when I’m trying to mentally prepare for the holomatch!

He hits some buttons and the Celestial goes to warp. Meanwhile, in sickbay, Puker and Blavik are dragging Tener by the arm toward Righteous’s biobed.

Tener - Why does it have to be me again?

Blavik - Simply because you’re the dumbest person we could find in a hurry. You’ll just need to act as an adaptor.

Puker - We know for a fact you can be both smart and stupid at the same time, so that’s why we choose you.

Blavik places one hand on Tener’s forehead and the other on Righteous’s.

Blavik - My mind through your mind to that other guy’s mind... my thoughts through your thoughts to that other guy’s thoughts. Our minds are merging...

Righteous, Blavik - Our minds are one... apples!

After watching for a few seconds, Puker gets bored and leaves the room, hopefully remembering to tell the computer to monitor their vital signs. Inside Righteous’s head...

Blavik finds herself standing in the middle of a very large room. Before her is Righteous who is looking around.

Righteous - Cool. A lot of empty space in here... Funny how this looks a lot like the gutted inside of the USS Celestial.

Blavik - Yeah... so... are you back to normal here?

Righteous - Huh? And why are you here? And why am I seeing Romulan warbirds circling around my head?

Blavik - I believe I may be becoming aware of your condition. What is the last thing you remember?

Righteous - Stepping off the turbolift onto deck 6. Why? Did the Prophets call and not get to talk with me because I’ve been in this room all day?

Blavik - Actually captain, you ended up wandering around deck 6 for about four hours, then you kept talking about apples for the next three hours, and we’ve been unable to get a coherent word out of you since then. By the way, you’re on the red team.

Righteous - Yay! I like apples! Hey do you remember when I got an apple to appear on that weird head-zappy thingy the Romulans had on their ship?

Blavik - No captain, I wasn’t there.

Righteous - Oh. Well, one of the doctors said something about long term exposure and chips and how it didn’t matter because they were going to kill me anyway. Funny! Want an apple?

Somehow he musters up enough will power to make an apple pie appear in the middle of nowhere. A no-name appears as well.

No-Name #4 (reaching for the pie) - I like pie.

Poof! The no-name and Blavik both disappear. Back in sickbay, Blavik wakes up to find a dead no-name lying next to her and a sign that says “no loitering” where Tener used to be. Puker walks over and takes the cortical monitor off of her.

Puker - Well?

Blavik - Why is there a dead crewman lying next to my feet?

Puker - Oh, that. Well, Tener backed out as soon as he saw you got melded fine. I couldn’t break the meld so I sent this guy in to bring you out. Unfortunately he suffered massive brain damage and died shortly after. Don’t worry though, no-names are easy to replace.

Blavik - Okay. I believe the captain is suffering from a side-effect of prolonged exposure to the Romulan Mind Reader Thingy Device.

Puker - The what?

Blavik - The Romulan–the thing.

Puker - You mean the thing, that does the thing.

Blavik - Yeah, from those people.

Puker - The people with the stuff?

Blavik - The thing that does the thing from those people with the stuff.

Puker - So his stupidity is being caused by the thing that does the thing from the people with the stuff that does more things and relates to the thing that does things from the people with the stuff. Okay, I think I understand now.

Blavik - Good.

Puker - Well, I’m bored. Why don’t you go to the bridge and find out if anyone needs something medicinal done around here?

Puker goes into his office and Blavik leaves the room. Righteous opens his eyes, jumps off the bed and follows her.

Scene 8 - The corridor that leads into main engineering. Greaser begins yelling orders at her subordinates even before they’re within view.

Greaser - Alright everyone, get ready to eject the old warp–

She stops when she sees the core, whose pointless indicator lights are moving ten times as fast as they should be moving.

Greaser - Are we at warp?

No-Name #5 - Yes ma’am, warp 8.2 to be exact.

Greaser - Why? Who ordered it?

No-Name #5 - Lieutenant Baque.

Greaser - Well, we need to drop out of warp now don’t we?

Suddenly, Logic Man and Binky the Mistreated Targ jump into the scene.

Logic Man - Never fear, Logic Man is here!

Binky - Wheeeee!

Corny Backup Singers - Logic Man, Logic Man, does whatever a Vulcan can! Wears a corny logical disguise, destroys illogic, before your eyes! Look out, here come the Logic Man!!

Binky - WHEEEE!!!

Camera is on a confused Greaser and No-Name #5 as Logic Man and Binky dance out of the room.

Greaser - I knew we should have killed that targ when we had the chance. And letting Vulcan just be destroyed isn’t sounding too much like a bad idea anymore, either.

She presses some buttons and deactivates the warp core. As she and No-Name #5 and the other engineering crew disconnect it from the ship, the red alert klaxons go off.

Greaser - NOW WHAT!?!

Baque - All hands to battle stations!

Greaser - Must life always be this hard on me?

Scene 9 - Bridge. Baque, Senseless, Genocide, Blavik, Righteous, and Bios enter and start making a ruckus.

Senseless - What’s going on?

Righteous - Apples!

Genocide - Ensign, take him back to sickbay.

Blavik - Yes sir.

Blavik grabs Righteous’s arm and drags him off in the direction of the turbolift. As they reach the turbolift, Righteous suddenly stops, grabs a phaser from a nearby ledge, and shoots Blavik point blank in the stomach.

Senseless - What the–

Pzzzt! Senseless is knocked out by a phaser blast.

Genocide - Gah!

He lunges at Righteous and the two starts wrestling around on the floor for the phaser, which is now going off and blasting around the room.

Pzzzt! Baque is stunned. Pzzzt! Bios is stunned. Beep! Phaser gets set on kill. Pzzzt! A No-Name gets killed.

Genocide - Ga! Give me! Damn you, captain!

Righteous - Federation scum!

No-Name #6 - Sir! Here!

No-Name #6 tosses Genocide a four-centimetre-diameter, one-centimetre-thick, metre-long lead-composite pipe which Genocide uses to beat the captain to a bloody pulp.

Genocide - Bridge to sickbay, medical emergency. Beam Captain Righteous and Ensign Blavik directly to biobeds.

Puker - Now what happened? So much for my tea break.

Genocide (as the other two dematerialize) - Now, about that proximity alert...

He goes to his station, locks a quantum torpedo on the nearby tachyon signature, and fires. Camera goes to the bridge of the Romulan ship. Commander Spliff is watching as the blue torpedo zooms toward his cloaked and vulnerable ship.

Spliff - To eat pie with whipped cream, or not to eat pie with whipped cream...

Romulan #1 - Damn. Starfleet actually got smart for once.

BOOM! Camera goes out into space as the torpedo slams into an invisible wall, which decloaks, revealing a crippled Romulan D’deridex-class warbird. Camera goes to a very happy Lieutenant-Commander Genocide as he leaves the bridge.

Scene 10 - Sickbay. A recently revived Lieutenant Bios, Lieutenant Baque, Commander Senseless, a very content looking Lieutenant Commander Genocide, a confused looking Ensign Center and Lieutenant Commander Greaser, and a calm looking Dr. Puker are standing around the two biobeds with Blavik and Righteous on them.

Senseless - Will she be okay?

Puker - Yes. Luckily the shot missed her heart, but not by much. The Captain certainly knew where he was shooting she he shot her. Thankfully, due to the area of the blast, and the low setting the phaser was on, the damage was only minor.

Senseless - What about the captain?

Puker - He’s another story. First, Genocide, did you have to beat the stuffing out of him? He probably was rendered unconscious after the first blow! Do you know how much paperwork this is going to be?

Genocide - I was given a lead pipe. What would you do?

Puker - Noted. Now, as to why he acted the way he did, I may have an explanation.

He taps some buttons on the monitor over Righteous’s bed and a picture of some kind of microscopic device appears.

Puker - More advanced scans have detected a foreign device implanted in his skull. It’s causing low level subspace fluctuations. Also, it’s directly connected with the behaviour and personality centres of his brain.

Baque - Is this why he’s acting so stupid lately?

Bios - It’s more than that. I’ve seen this before. I believe it’s used as a interface for the Romulan Mind Reader Thingy Device. Remember back in mid-November of last year? When he got captured by the Romulans? It probably never got taken out and has been dormant ever since.

Center - So the Romulans are controlling him through this?

Bios - More than that. They probably have a complete interface with his brain. They see what he sees, and hear what he hears.

Genocide - Well that explains why they didn’t decloak: They just wanted to sit back and let Righteous kill us all.

Bios - Precisely.

Genocide - Hmm... You don’t suppose we could get this thing to work and use it to help us win the holomatch tomorrow, do you?

Puker - No.

Senseless - Can you remove the device?

Puker - Not without causing massive brain damage to his already tortured cerebellum.

Baque - But you can remove it, right?

Puker - I think Ensign Blavik had the right idea: With enough mind-meld lessons, Lee could be taught to overcome the device. However, she’s out of it for a while so we’ll have to make due.

Center - Why don’t we just beam the device out of him?

Baque - Why don’t you just go to hell?

Center - Been there, done that.

Senseless - Good work, doctor. Keep him sedated for the time being and let me know of any change in his condition.

The rest of the officers head for the door.

Tener - Lieutenant Tener to Commander Senseless.

Senseless - Senseless here.

Tener - You wanted to be notified when the Romulan ship’s communications system was back online...

Senseless - Yes, is it?

Tener - Not exactly...

Camera goes to the bridge where three Romulan thugs are holding their phasers to Tener’s head.

Thug #1 - If you want to see your comrade alive, you’ll give us your captain and leave this sector! You have one hour to think of a plan to screw us over!

He hits a button on the Ops console and the intraship communication is cut.

Tener - You do realize I’m a main character and therefore can’t be killed.

Thug #2 - Two of your officers are in sickbay with severe injuries. You want to risk it?

Tener - (gulp)

Scene 11 - Battle bridge. Senseless, Genocide, Baque, Center, and Bios are standing around the room.

Senseless - Okay, we’ve only got 20 minutes until they kill Tener and probably most of the bridge controls along with him. I’d like to thank those who managed to get lost on the way here for wasting 40 minutes.

Camera goes to Genocide, who just shrugs.

Senseless - Alright, we need ways to screw them over without killing ourselves in the process. First, let’s figure out how this all happened.

Bios - A single quantum torpedo to their unshielded power generator should have destroyed their entire power grid. I’m unable to hazard a guess as to how they got their transporters back up and running.

Genocide - I’d like to know how they managed to beam through our shields and not set off any alarms.

Baque - To both questions: This is Star Trek, nothing makes sense and it never will. Just get used to that.

A potted plant in the corner explodes. Then, a console starts beeping. Center presses a button.

Thug #1 - It’s 10:00: Do you know where your Captain is?

Senseless - Yes, but we’re not going to tell you.

Puker - Err... Funny thing happened guys...

Genocide - Now how the hell did they get into sickbay!?!

Thug #1 - You think it wasn’t just a matter of time until we developed a form of stealth teleportation?

Baque - You’d also think it was just a matter of time until you pulled your heads out of your asses too.


Thug #1 - You now have one less crewman to worry about and one more mess to clean up.

Senseless - What do you want? You have our captain, and you have our ship at your mercy. What more do you need?

Thug #1 - Firstly, we don’t have your captain! Where is he?!?!

Senseless - What?

Puker - I tried to tell them, sir, that Righteous and Blavik both sneaked out while my medical staff was playing cards with the Romulan boarding party. They don’t believe that I wasn’t paying attention.

Senseless - Okay, so what happens if we don’t give you our Captain?

Thug #1 - We destroy your precious ship.

At the words “precious ship” the entire senior staff listening in break out laughing.

Thug #1 - Stop laughing!

The crew only laugh harder.

Thug #1 - You have ten minutes! Find him!


Center - Communications cut, sir.

Genocide - I say we destroy their warbird.

Senseless - For once I’m in agreement with you. Get to the main torpedo tube and prep for a manual launch of two tricobalt torpedoes. With engines still offline they won’t be able to dodge it.

Genocide - With pleasure, sir!

He leaves the battle bridge.

Senseless - Bios, find the captain. Use the internal sensors and make it obvious you’re looking for him, but get specific locks on those Romulans too.

Bios - Yes sir.

She goes to a nearby station and starts tapping on the control panels.

Senseless - Ensign, Lieutenant, round up as many security officers and get ready to take the bridge. I frankly don’t trust Bios’s ability to get a transporter lock on intruders.

Bios - I heard that!

Senseless (back at her) - Just some constructive criticism.

Baque - Assuming we can get the torpedoes to work, and assuming we can get the transporters to work, what’s to stop the Romulans on the bridge to erect a dampening field and then destroy the Celestial from there?

Senseless - Good of you to ask. Here’s the plan...

Scene 12 - Battle bridge. Same people present. Center hits some buttons and the face of Commander Spliff appears on the screen.

Senseless - Hello. I’m Commander Jack Senseless of the USS Celestial.

Spliff - And I’m Commander Spliff of Nameless Warbird #1471.

Senseless - Why are you using mind control on our captain and holding half our crew hostage?

Spliff - Shouldn’t you be asking why I’m still alive? After all, I was on that ship you watched blow up.

Senseless - Actually, I really don’t care because you probably have some smart-assed answer anyway. Answer our question.

Spliff - Okay, I’ll be a stereotypical bad guy and reveal my master plan, allowing you to find weaknesses to use against me. Our intelligence has recently discovered that your Captain is quite important to the Bajoran people, especially after winning Prophetic Idol back in 2372, your calendar of course. If we capture him, we can hold him ransom in exchange for an Orb of the Prophets. You see, we believe that these orbs may hold the key to producing our own artificially generated wormholes, much like the wormhole aliens the Bajoran’s refer to as the “Prophets” did. Our base on Derna, Bajor’s fourth moon, failed to uncover anything during its short stay there, and we have been forced to find other means to procure our required materials. We tried and failed to decipher your Captain’s brain a few months ago and have been tracking him via the implanted chip ever since. Only recently have we been able to get close enough to use its full potential.

Baque - WOAH!

Spliff - Impressive plan, isn’t it?

Baque - No, I just had no idea you people even had any intelligence!

Spliff - You will pay for that, you insolent fool!

Baque - Insolent fool? What kind of insult is that! My grandmother can pull better burns out of her ass, and she’s six feet under!

Spliff - Enough! Hand over your captain, immediately, or suffer the wrath of my fully repaired warbird!

Senseless - Very well. Senseless to transporter room 3, energize.

On the viewscreen, Righteous materializes right next to Spliff.

Righteous - Apples!

Spliff - A wise choice. Nameless Warbird #1471 out.

The screen goes blank.

Senseless - Senseless to Genocide and Bios: Begin Operation Holomatch.

Genocide (over comm) - Wait, which one is Operation Holomatch again?

Bios (over comm) - The one you’ve been working on for the past hour!

Genocide - Oh, right!

Senseless - Battle bridge out.

Scene 13 - Inside a torpedo tube, Genocide works frantically on a torpedo while Logic Man and Binky the Mistreated Targ watch.

Logic Man - I fail to see the logic in configuring this torpedo for a manual launch. You must be aware that the Romulans have repaired their engines and will simply dodge the tricobalt torpedo as soon as it leaves the launch tube.

Genocide - I’m configuring it to home in on a target.

Logic Man - For what purpose?

Genocide - So it will hit its target which isn’t exactly in line with the launcher right now.

Logic Man - Why?

Genocide - Because that’s the plan! Stop asking questions and let me work.

Logic Man - But you already have a modified tricobalt torpedo. Why are you reconfiguring another one?

Genocide (annoyed) - Because, that’s, part, of, the, plan!

Senseless - Senseless to Genocide, we don’t have any more time! Launch, NOW!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks! Genocide looks at the rows and rows of quantum and photon torpedoes, then at the two tricobalt warheads in front of him, and realizes he’s in the worst part of the ship right now.

Genocide - Ah, screw it!

With a heave he shoves the half-gutted torpedo to one side, grabs a hold of Binky, and shoves him in the torpedo tube. He hits a button which closes the hatch, then another which fires Binky out the tube. Out of sheer luck, or just maybe because this is that way I want it to happen, Binky ends up hitting the Romulan warbird square in the front. On the Romulan bridge, the viewscreen blows open and Binky flies in and hits Spliff square in the chest.

Spliff (gasping) - ENGAGE THE CLOAK!

Binky - WHEE! WHEE!!!!!!

As the ship cloaks, the tachyon surge triggers a temporal portal to form, but through some combination of the gushing wind and cloaking ship, the temporal portal becomes super big and swallows the whole ship, teleporting it across time and space to an unknown destination. Back in the torpedo tube, Genocide preps the other tricobalt warhead as Logic Man freaks out behind him.

Logic Man - That was highly illogical! Why did you do that!?!?!?!

Genocide - You want to join him?

Logic Man - No.

Genocide - Then shut up, you stupid Vulcan!

He pulls on a breaker and the torpedo fires. Camera goes out into space as the glowing white torpedo flies out under the bottom of the “saucer” (or whatever you want to call it), up through the middle of the two hull prongs, across the hull, and straight into the bridge. On the bridge.

Tener - Three fives.

Thug #3 - Cheat!

WHAM!!!! The bridge buckles under the impact, pushing down the roof, splintering the ceiling beams, and making a air bubble which shatters the consoles, all the glass, and the sensitive ears of the three Romulan Thugs present.

As Tener picks himself up, the doors explode and in run five yellow shirt no-names with compression phaser rifles.


The three thugs lay down and put their hands on their heads as the no-names poke them in the ribs with phasers.

Thug #3 - But tell me, was I right?

Tener - Yeah, it was two tens and a jack.

Thug #3 - HA! You have to take all those cards! That sort of made my day!


The other four No-Names escort the Romulan Thugs and Tener off the bridge. No-Name #7 remains.

No-Name #7 - Yep, I see a promotion in my near future.

With the camera on his face, the ceiling finally gives way and a breach forms.

No-Name #7 - God damn it.


Scene 14 - In the corridor just outside the battle bridge, Genocide, Bios, Center, Puker, Tener, Blavik, Senseless, Baque, and Greaser all meet up.

Greaser - It worked?

Baque - Yeah it... Wait, where have you been?

Greaser - I’ve been busy replacing that stupid warp core, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Baque - Is it done?

Greaser - Yes, it’s done!

Baque - Score! Holomatch time!

Center - Does it even bother either of you that the Captain is gone?!?!

Baque - No, I can’t say that it does.

Center - Why are you smiling, Doctor?

Puker - He, he, he.

Then, Righteous rounds a corner.

Righteous - Hi guys! Great things those holoemitters, aren’t they?

Puker - We beamed him to transporter room three when we saw the Romulan boarding party coming in.

Greaser - And?

Senseless - When Commander Spliff asked for him we simply transported him to a room with a dampening field and activated the holoemitters.

Genocide - Yeah, and the best part of all is that Logic Man decided to leave now that I got rid of the only thing that would be his sidekick.

Blavik - Most logical. We even got to beam that chip out of the Captain’s head.

Center - How come I wasn’t told about all this?

Senseless - We need a little humour in our lives now and that I must say.

Tener - So all’s well that–

Puker - That’s my line! Well, all’s well that ends well. We found out why the Captain was acting weird, got rid of a possible source of a recurring character, replaced the warp core, and got to watch Genocide beat Righteous to a bloody pulp with a lead pipe.

Baque - Well, maybe we’ll see it again. Holodeck 1, five minutes, losers have to work double duty for the next two days!

Bios - Um, bad news about that.

Genocide - Uh oh.

Bios - Projecting the Captain’s holographic template such a far distance was too much of a strain on the EPS system. Most of the secondary systems are fried, including holodecks.


The End