Scene 1 - Camera is following a Breen ship as it flies through space. Then, out of nowhere, a blue torpedo slams into it, followed by three phaser blasts and another torpedo. The Breen ship explodes and the USS Celestial flies through the wreckage and gets all scratched up. The camera zooms out to show hundreds of ships of Federation, Klingon, and Breen origin fighting around a planet. The Celestial destroys a small Breen ship before the camera goes to the bridge. All bridge staff are present.
Genocide - Target destroyed.
Righteous - And the Prophets smiled down upon the victors, saying–
Baque - We don’t need a religious sermon every time we blow up a damn ship!
Senseless - Bring us about and find the biggest Breen ship you can.
Bios - Got it. There’s a dreadnought bearing 315 mark 731.
Center - The Saratoga is already engaging it.
Senseless - Let’s give them a hand then.
Righteous - “And go forth, ye mortals, and bring peace to the universe!”
Baque - I’ll take that as a “make it so.”
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Center - Secondary deflector is offline, shields at 83%.
Genocide - Target locked.
Senseless - Fire.
Boom, ship rocks.
Bios - A destroyer has locked onto us.
Righteous - Smite the wicked ones!
Genocide - How about ignoring it in favour of finishing off his big brother here?
Righteous - That works too.
Genocide - Permission to use a tricobalt torpedo? Their engines are offline.
Senseless - Granted.
Genocide - I have their warp core in my sights.
Senseless - ...Fire!
Camera goes into space as the Celestial launches a glowing white torpedo which smashes into the Breen ship, destroying it. On the Bridge...
Genocide - Yeah! 27! Beat that, Defiant!
Senseless - Find another target.
Genocide - There aren’t many left to choose from.
Righteous - Then I think it’s time to end this. Bring us within weapons range of the Breen homeworld. Prepare to target their largest city.
Senseless - Sir?
Righteous - Admiral Spot made me promise not to leave until their largest city burned. Or maybe it was something to do with not getting burned up unless we take their largest city with us... either way...
Genocide - Firing...
Center - Sir! We’re receiving a wide band communication from the Breen. They say they’re surrendering!
Genocide - Oops, too late!
Righteous - Well, as I’m sure Vaughn would say if he were here, all’s well that ends well. We’ve defeated the Breen, and, um... scored 27 kills and one massacre, and, um, yeah, that’s about it.
Admiral Nelix (over comm) - This is the USS Scratchingpost to all ships. Fleets 4, 7, and 12 will remain to hold the system. All other fleets will return to your designated ship yards for repairs and shore leave. Scratchingpost out.
Baque - He’s awfully nice today.
Bios - He’s been ecstatic ever since he got his own flagship from Chester.
Righteous - Helm boy, set a course for Earth Spacedock, warp 7.
Baque - STOP! CALLING! ME! THAT!
Righteous - Engage!
Opening credits. Theme song: “Session.” Don’t worry, this will probably be the last time you hear it... until the series goes into syndication 😀
Scene 2 - Camera is panning around the inside of the Earth spacedock, where the Celestial, Saratoga, and Scratchingpost are parked.
Righteous - Captain’s log, stardate 435701.7. We’ve been sitting around for a week doing absolutely nothing while we wait for our new orders. My guess is that there’s a whole bunch of paperwork they have to go through with regards to the end of the war and they just haven’t gotten around to sending us off on another mission yet. In the meantime, I’m off to see Admiral Spot to ask her why the spacedock seems to have almost quadrupled in size since the time of Captain Kirk.
Righteous enters Admiral Spot’s office. Spot is there.
Righteous - I want to know why my ship fits easily inside this station while the original Enterprise barely went through... ma’am!
Spot - We build bigger ships, we build bigger stations. It’s that simple. This one began construction almost 30 years ago and it’s still not completely done. Is that all you came in here to ask me about?
Righteous - Actually, I’d like to know why my crew is bored out of our skulls doing nothing.
Spot - You want a mission?
Righteous - No, I want a shrine opened up on this station so we can all pray and have a grand old time.
Spot - How about a mission?
Righteous - That would be okay, I guess.
Spot - Okay. Go round up Lieutenant-Commander Genocide and bring him to level 115, section 83, room 115324.
Righteous - Why?
Spot - Military hearing.
Righteous - What?
Spot - The war’s over, and now we need to investigate the things that went wrong during the war.
Righteous - No, what’s a military hearing?
Spot - You’ll find out when you get there.
Righteous - Well, it wouldn’t be fair to my crew if I sent them into things I know nothing about, now would it?
Spot - That’s never stopped you before.
Righteous - How come you never say “meow purr hiss” anymore?
Spot - I got a better universal translator. And is your attention span always this short?
Righteous - Sometime’s it’s shorter!
Spot - Just go get your tactical officer and bring him the place I said to.
Righteous - Which was...?
Spot - Grr... Just go get Genocide and take him to room 115324!
Righteous - I can do that!
Righteous leaves and Spot writes something down on his record.
Spot - Can... understand... menial... tasks... when... explained... in... simple... terms.
Scene 3 - Celestial’s bridge. Ensign Center is pressing some buttons when something on his console starts beeping.
Center - What the...? Ensign Center to Lieutenant Tener.
Tener - Tener here. Now what?
Center - I’m reading that the tricobalt torpedo loader just went offline. Should I go check it out sir?
Tener - Oh... Nah, I’ll go. I’m nearby anyway. Tener out.
Camera goes to Tener who walks around a corner and sees two no-names carrying away a tricobalt torpedo on an anti-gravity sled. Tener goes up to the guy who seems to be in charge.
Tener - What’s going on here? Why are you taking away all the tricobalt torpedoes?
Guy Who Seems To Be In Charge - Orders. We’re replacing the tricobalt loader with a multiphasic sensor array.
Tener - But we already have one!
Guy - Now you have two.
Tener - Why are you doing this?
Guy - We’re refitting the Celestial to act primarily as an exploration vessel. We’ve been ordered to remove almost 35% of the ship’s armaments.
Tener - Oh, Commander Genocide won’t like that at all!
Guy - With all due respect, Lieutenant, I don’t think Commander Genocide going to have anything to say about it. Now, I have to get back to work.
He pushes past Tener, who stands still, shocked at the fact his ship is being retrofitted without his knowledge. The guy person can be heard off screen.
Guy - Be careful with that detonator!
Tener flinches as a loud BOOM! fills the corridor.
Scene 4 - Two security guards bring Genocide into a large dark room. Inside, seated behind a long table, are Admiral Ross, Fleet Admrial Necheyev, Admiral Owen Paris, Fleet Admiral Spot, and Admiral Nelix.
Genocide - Why am I here?!
Ross - Lieutenant Commander, please sit down.
Genocide takes his seat and Admiral Necheyev picks up a PADD and starts reading it.
Necheyev - Lieutenant-Commander Nick Genocide–
Genocide - ...I hate that name...
Necheyev - --You are under investigation for disobeying direct orders on at least a dozen occasions,–
Genocide - All lies!
Necheyev - --Being directly responsible for massive amounts of damage to your ship and others,--
Genocide - Okay, that might have slivers of truth in it...
Necheyev - --And being criminally insane.
Genocide - I won’t deny that one...
Necheyev - If found guilty, you face dishonourable discharge from Starfleet and 50 years in a maximum security prison. How do you plead?
Genocide - Gah, innocent!
The admirals all look at each other. Spot whispers to Janeway:
Spot - They always say that!
Necheyev - Very well, since you have the right to an attorney, this court will be in recess until tomorrow at 0900 station time. Be ready.
Necheyev picks up the claw covered spark ball the Klingons use and slams it down on the table. All the admirals get up to leave.
Genocide - God damn it!
Scene 5 - Commander Senseless is walking down a hallway in the spacedock when Bios and Tener and Greaser run up to him.
Greaser - Commander, we need to talk!
Senseless - What is it?
Bios - I’m being transferred to the Saratoga!
Greaser - I’ve been ordered to make a complete inventory of every piece of technology on the bloody ship! Do you know how long that will take me?
Tener - The repair crews are retrofitting the ship without telling us about it!
Senseless - Woah, woah, woah! Slow down. Bios, are you serious?
Bios - Yes! I have the orders right here!
She passes a PADD to Senseless, who reads it.
Senseless - Hm... that’s not right. There’s supposed to be the Captain’s signature on this.
Greaser - You know, I’ve heard stories and I think I’m due to be transferred as well. Why else would they make me do a ship-wide inventory on all systems and stuff and report it directly to Admiral Nelix?
Tener - They’re taking out the weapons and putting in sensor arrays!
Senseless - Why wasn’t I informed about all this?
Greaser - We’d like to know too.
Senseless - Well, hang tight. I’ll get to the bottom of this. Right now, I need to go find Genocide. I haven’t seen him all morning and I was sure he was on duty. The computer says he’s not on the ship.
Tener - I think I saw him going somewhere with the captain.
Senseless - No good ever comes out of going somewhere with the captain. I’d better go find him.
Righteous (over comm) - All senior staff report to the meeting place.
Senseless - Never mind, then.
Scene 6 - Briefing room. All senior staff are present and yelling at Righteous.
Puker - What the hell is going on around here?
Genocide - Why am I being tried for crimes that previously I was not tried for?
Greaser - Why are me and Bios being transferred to other ships?
Righteous - Why are you all talking at once!?!
Senseless - Captain, do you even know the answers to these questions?
Righteous - I haven’t a clue. Let’s call Admiral Spot.
Center presses some buttons on the control panel at his place at the table and a few moments later the holographic display of Admiral Spot appears in the middle of the table.
Spot - What do you people want now?
Righteous - You know what we want!
Spot - Fine, I’ll give you a f***ing mission, just to shut you up. Go once around the spacedock and scan for paint loss. Happy now?
Righteous - Actually, we’d like to know why two of our people are being transferred and one is being put on trial.
Spot - Fine, I suppose you do deserve an explanation.
Righteous - Good.
Spot - Lieutenant Commander Genocide is being sentenced to a maximum security prison because he is a threat to the Federation itself. As for the rest of you, most of you are being demoted to the rank of Ensign and being reassigned to smaller, less dangerous ships. Righteous, you are being kicked out of Starfleet, permanently! Commander Senseless, you will retain the rank of Lieutenant-Commander since you’re probably the most competent person on your entire ship. Ensign Center and Ensign Blavik, since you’re already Ensigns I don’t see any reason to put you somewhere else so you’ll stay on the Celestial. Which, by the way, is being placed under new leadership and being moved to the 12th fleet. Any questions?
Righteous - Bad.
Tener - My life as a main character, cut short!
Greaser - Hell f***ing no. I worked damn hard to get my rank.
Baque - Me too!
Puker - We all did!
Spot - Ah hem! Destroyed a Federation police ship, violated Breen space without Starfleet’s knowledge, crashed on a Breen planet, reopened the wormhole to the Dominion, lured a Borg tactical cube into the Alpha Quadrant, opened a fluidic rift, failed your inspection, destroyed the Golden Gate Bridge, destroyed the Federation Monument, rigged the election, tried to assassinate one of the candidates for said election, unleashed armies of radioactive mutant zombie no-names, inflicted heavy damage to Jupiter Station, destroyed your bloody ship, screwed up the timeline, scratched the paint on a new bloody ship, devastated a task force by destroying a nebula, destroyed hell, Gre’thor, etc... shall I go on?
Senseless - Um, the proverbial straws, ma’am?
Spot - More like proverbial pianos. Frankly, I’m surprised the Federation Council let your little parade of destruction go on as long as it did. It probably had something to do with the fact that we were so lacking in ships that we needed every person and everything we could get our paws on. So now that the war is over...
Righteous - We had the Prophets on our side the whole time. You can’t say everything that went bad was a bad thing, or else the Prophets would have put a stop to it.
Spot - I don’t care. Now, here’s your assignments. Righteous, you will board the first transport back to Bajor that comes along. You can go on to be a Vedek or whatever; I really don’t care. Senseless, you’ll become Operations Officer for Starbase 117. Genocide, you’ll probably end up in prison. Greaser, I suspect you’ll be sent back to Utopia Planitia to work on the shipyards. Baque, you’re fired! I don’t care how well you can pilot a starship, because it seems that every time you leave a station you hit something! Go work for the civilian sector or something.
Baque - Well, if you made the doors bigger...
Spot - Bios, you’re being transferred to the science department on the Saratoga, as you already know.
Bios - Computer science?
Spot - I don’t know or care. Tener, you’re being transferred to the Lunar 1 colony to act as deputy chief of security.
Tener - The moon!?! What!?!
Spot - Doctor Puker, I’m sending you somewhere where you can’t hurt anyone: Deep Space 14. It’s a small stellar observatory some 6,000 lightyears from here.
Puker - Oh, fun.
Spot - Blavik and Center, you’re staying here, but Center, you will no longer be chief operations officer and Blavik you will remain working in the medical department in emergencies, but we’re transferring you to molecular biology.
Center - Phooey.
Blavik - Most illogical.
Spot - Wait, Admiral Nelix wants to talk with you.
Admiral Spot walks off the holo-communicator platform and Admiral Nelix walks onto it.
Nelix - I just wanted to say how terribly happy I am that you all got what you all deserved. I can’t tell you how utterly happy this makes me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must perform my victory dance.
Admiral Nelix starts jumping around and singing.
Nelix - I LIKE MITTENS, I LIKE SPRING N’ FALL, BUT THE CELESTIAL I DO NOT LIKE AT ALL! MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW!!!
Center kills the connection after receiving the signal from Righteous.
Righteous - So, now what?
Senseless - There isn’t anything we can do. We just have to deal with it and move on. After all, it was bound to happen eventually.
Righteous - So, do you think I still have a shot at Kai?
Baque - I wonder if I can still take a shot or two at you with a phaser...
Righteous - What?
Baque - I said you’re a f***ing idiot.
Righteous - I’m beginning to get the impression that you don’t like me, Lieutenant.
Baque - It’s CIVILIAN thanks to you! Screw this, they can’t fire me, I quit!
With that, Baque gets up and storms out of the room, hitting the “Slam Doors for Dramatic Effect” button on his way out.
Puker - Okay then...
Genocide - Well, it was nice knowing you guys, but I have to go to my trial now. Unfortunately, no one would volunteer to act as my legal counsel so I’ll have to get some stupid no-name to do it.
Senseless - Well if that’s all, for the last time, dismissed.
They all get up and leave the room. Righteous remains, looking quite depressed.
Scene 7 - Camera is panning around the Celestial which is still inside the spacedock.
Righteous - Captain’s final log, stardate... ah, forget it. It turns out that there’s no more spots for Vedeks in the Bajoran religious leadership, so I’m fresh out of jobs. I’ve looked up the protocols regarding “reluctantly handing over ships to new captains” and it says I should take all my stuff off the ship. Well, I think I have all of it. That being said, it appears as the voyages of the starship Celestial have come to an end. I just hope the new crew live up to the Prophets’ expectations. End log.
Camera goes to a docking port on the outside of the station. Dr. Puker is entering a small transport while Tener, Blavik, and some No-Name blueshirts say goodbye.
Puker - Feel free to drop in and visit every now and then.
Tener - Doc, you’re going to the middle of nowhere. How are we going to visit?
Puker - Well, write then.
Blavik - An ionic nebula in the area blocks all communications.
Puker - Are you guys trying to make this harder than it already is?
Tener - Yes. Bon voyage!
Puker - Yeah, yeah, bye now.
He gets on the transport and the door closes.
Tener - ...And good riddance.
He slams his hand down on a wooden railing, then recoils like he’s been burnt.
Tener - OW! Splinter! Doc, wait up!
Scene 8 - Admiral Spot’s office. Righteous and Senseless are present.
Senseless - So, who’s the guy who is taking over the Celestial?
Spot - I’ll bring him in here.
She presses a button on her console.
Spot - Send him in here, please.
The door opens and a Starfleet captain walks in. The creases in his uniform could cut neutronium and the shine on his boots would give Voyager’s EMH’s head a run for its money.
Captain - Captain Competent reporting as requested, ma’am.
While Captain Competent stands at attention to rigid that he looks like he’s about to break something, Righteous stares him in the eye with a kind of angry look on his face.
Righteous - I don’t like the look of you. I think you worship the Pah-Wraiths.
Spot - Lee, he’s Human, not Bajoran. He’s never even been to Bajor and I doubt he even knows that much about the Pah-whatchamacallems.
Righteous - Oh, we’ll see who gets the last laugh! WE’LL SEE!!!
Righteous turns around and storms out of the room. Admiral Spot just shakes her head.
Spot - Now, Captain, as you already know you’ll be put in command of the USS Celestial NCC-80164. It’s an Opaka-class ship.
Competent - Opaka class, ma’am?
Spot - Yes. It was designed by a bunch of Bajoran bible thumpers and was proposed during the Sovereign project Phase II production line. We built one about three years ago: The first Celestial. Starfleet built another one about eight months ago which ended up being a replacement for the first ship Righteous managed to blow up. The project has been scrapped, so don’t expect any more ships like this coming off the assembly line any time soon. They’re just too fast for their own damn good and don’t hold together all that well. Although they have a normal cruising speed of warp 7, I wouldn’t go much faster than that if you want to get where you’re going in one piece.
Senseless - We did okay with it...
Spot - It has ten type-XII phaser strips, two forward quantum and photon torpedo launchers, two rear torpedo launchers, primary shields and secondary forward shields, 20 decks, bio-neural gel packs, three holodecks, a standard crew capacity of 750, saucer separation capabilities, landing capabilities, optional variable geometry nacelles, ramming capabilities, full use of holographic systems, a battle bridge, and a top speed of warp 9.936.
Senseless - We’ve made it go faster before...
Spot - Are you still here, Lieutenant-Commander?
Senseless - I’m going, I’m going...
Senseless leaves the room.
Scene 9 - Out in space. The words “About one month later” appear on the screen, followed by the USS Celestial flying through.
Competent - Captain’s log, stardate 434778.8. We’ve scanned sector 442 as throughly as we can and are currently en route to Starbase 118.
Camera is in a room with monitors covering the walls. On them are displays of DNA strands and various biological crap that no one cares about. In the middle of the room is Ensign Blavik who is currently spinning in her chair looking very bored, even for a Vulcan. Ensign Center enters the room, carrying a PADD.
Center (dryly) - New molecular filaments for you to categorize.
Blavik - Thank you.
Center plops down in one of the empty chairs and starts spinning in his as well.
Blavik - I’m not sure I would ever have said this, but things were certainly more interesting with our old colleagues.
Center - You’ll get no argument from me. At times like this, I’d even tolerate them being insubordinate and rowdy and breaking stuff...
Blavik - Well maybe things will pick up in pace in a few weeks.
Center - That’s what you said three weeks ago.
Blavik - Fascinating...
Center - That word again...
Center - I wish something exciting would happen.
Blavik - Well, you could try that joke. I still have not heard it in its entirety.
Center - Oh yeah! Three Vulcans walk into a bar and —
The red alert klaxons go off.
Competent - All hands, battle stations. This is not a drill, I repeat, this is not a drill!
Blavik and Center - Boo yeah!
The both leave the room and head down the corridor. After running around for a few minutes doing nothing except looking for broken stuff or dying people, they meet up and head for the bridge. Once they’re, they starts to get tidbits of the problem that’s going on.
Competent - Any survivors?
No-Name #1 - None, sir. I’m detecting a mass of debris that looks like it came from a group of escape pods, but all are destroyed. I’m also picking up biological residue in the wreckage as well. It looks like everyone was killed.
Competent - My God, there were over 3,000 people on this station!
Blavik (to Center) - Wasn’t Lieutenant-Commander Senseless on that station?
Center - Nah, that was Starbase 117 you’re thinking of.
Competent - Weapons signatures?
No-Name #2 - I... I don’t recognize them, but they’re definitely not Breen or Klingon, or Romulan or Cardassian... I’ll have to cross check them with the database but... yep, I was right. It’s the same signature the USS Voyager encountered when it faced off with Species 8472.
Competent - What?!?! Impossible! Search for quantum singularities!
No-Name #3 - I’ve found the remnants of one, bearing 663 mark 828. It is closed now, though.
Competent - Is there an ion trail leading anywhere other than to that singularity?
No-Name #1 - Um... yeah... There’s one leading directly for Earth...
Competent - Lay in a course for Earth, maximum warp!
No-Name #2 - If there really is a Sra’xa’diin fleet out there, catching up with them will mean certain doom, sir.
Center - Ooh! I might be able to help with that!
Competent (ignoring him) - How far away can they be by now?
No-Name #4 - Only a few hundred lightyears judging by the rate of ion decay.
Center - Hello!
Competent - I can’t risk this ship and crew just to save Earth. We’ll just have to send a message and hope they get it in time.
Center - EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!!!
Everyone on the bridge stops working and stares at him.
Center - Now, if you check the logs, you’ll see that we once managed to do a quick jump using quantum slipstream technology. I think we can use it to get ahead of the Sra’xa’diin fleet and get to Earth in time to warn everyone.
Competent - Uh, you heard the ensign, slipstream, now!
Scene 10 - Earth Spacedock. Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix are walking down a corridor somewhere in the station.
Spot - Well, I can’t say I’m not glad they’re all gone. After all, it’s been a lot less paperwork without them.
Nelix - Precisely what I said from the beginning.
Spot - At least with the Celestial out of they way, nothing bad can happen around here now.
As she finishes the sentence, the corridor explodes, sending both cats flying and hissing through the air. Camera goes out into space and looks at a large hole in the side of the spacedock’s bottom part. Three Sra’xa’diin ships zoom by. Several Federation starships move to intercept. One, a Nebula class, is destroyed before it can even get off a shot, and the other four are disabled quickly. The three bioships start heading for Earth and enter the atmosphere. They are almost within range of San Fransisco when the USS Litterbox comes out of nowhere and hits them with a full volley of weed torpedoes (see Enterprise: Weed or Star Trek: The Next Generation: Weed for explanation... hehe). The three bioships lose attitude control and slam into the Pacific Ocean at full speed, creating a tidal wave which destroys much of the Los Angeles coast line. Camera goes to the bridge of the Litterbox where Captain Spot Jr. is sitting in his chair.
Spot Jr. - Wow, it’s a good thing we kept those torpedoes on hand for emergencies just like this. Now, I doubt that will stop them for long, so get to work on those nano-probe torpedoes.
No-Name #5 - Yes sir.
Spot Jr. - But in the meantime, let’s get back to the spacedock and give them a hand.
Scene 11 - An office on the moon. Tener is talking with Senseless’s face on a monitor as the red alert klaxons sound and no-names run around frantically.
Senseless - How many casualties?
Tener - At least 800, maybe more. They’re still searching through the damaged portions of the spacedock.
Senseless - In an unprovoked attack...
Tener - Well, we know they once planned to attack the Federation, it would stand to reason they still might want to.
Senseless - I’d like to know how they managed to do it so fast.
Tener - You don’t think...
Senseless - I’m afraid I do. Bob. He must have been lying to us the whole time. His mission wasn’t just recreational, he was probably on a mission to collect intelligence on the Federation.
Tener - Well, he did have almost unlimited access to our ships’ systems...
Senseless - Which means this would easily be our fault. Damn it! Is there any sign of more ships?
Tener - You could say that, sir. The entire subspace communications network is offline. Quantum singularities are opening everywhere, but for the most part only a few ships come out of each one. I’m not that high level here, but from what I can gather, we’ve lost about 50 ships, and around 30 starbases. There’s also rumours that a colony was obliterated.
Senseless - I’m catching the first transport back to Earth that comes along. We’re the only people to have had contact with species 8472 since Voyager and they might need our help. Contact Bajor and get Lee back here. He was the one who entered fluidic space so he probably knows more than he thinks he knows.
Tener - Yes sir. Good luck.
He turns off the screen as a no-name runs past.
No-Name #6 - WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!
Tener - It’ll be you first if you don’t shut the hell up!
Scene 12 - A maximum security prison in San Fransisco. Genocide is sitting in his cell and playing a harmonica. His cellmate, a very annoyed looking Andorian, is giving him nasty looks.
Andorian - WOULD YOU STOP PLAYING THAT!!?!?!
Genocide throws the harmonica at the Andorian.
Andorian - OW! Hey!
Genocide - AH, SHAD UP!!! It’s bad enough I’m stuck in here for the next 50 years of my life, but having you piss all over my day isn’t helping matters.
Andorian - Well, if you hadn’t blown up our last toilet, forcing them to put us in a cell without one...
Genocide - Hey, it put a hole in the wall, didn’t it?
Andorian - Well now we’re on the 53rd floor, so I hope you’re happy. No way to get out now.
The Andorian throws his cup against the forcefield.
Andorian - Hey, guard! How about some water here? I’m losing all the colour from my skin!
However, the guard seems preoccupied with a view out the window. Genocide and the Andorian look out their window and see several Federation starships hovering over the water just offshore.
Genocide - What’s going on?
All of a sudden, a bio-pulse beam comes out of the water and blows a hole through one of the ships. The other four ships starts hitting the water with everything they’ve got. Several large assault phaser beams come down from somewhere in orbit and vaporize large volumes of seawater, and apparently the ship within, since the shooting stops soon after.
Andorian - What the hell was that all about?
Genocide - I don’t know, but somehow I bet I’ll find out soon enough.
Scene 13 - Three years later... hehe, just kidding. Several hours later, Righteous is praying in a shrine on Bajor. A stupid and unimportant Bajoran walks in on him.
Righteous - What’s up?
No-Name #7 - There’s a message for you coming through the subspace network. I think it’s urgent. It came in right before the net crashed.
Righteous - Sounds important. I’ll go check it out.
The No-Name looks toward the Orb Righteous was kneeling next to.
No-Name #7 - Which one is that?
Righteous - The Orb of Soliditude.
No-Name #7 - Don’t you mean the Orb of Solitude?
Righteous - Maybe. Not quite sure. Knock yourself out if you want to try it though.
Righteous leaves and No-Name #7 looks toward the orb, which immediately turns him to stone. Righteous walks up to a terminal.
Righteous - Check inbox.
Terminal - You’ve got mono!
Righteous - No, no, inbox, not medbot!
Terminal - Sorry... Message reads as follows: Species 8472 attacking. Stop. All forces powerless to slow them. Stop. Starfleet might need your knowledge about fluidic space. Stop. Come to Earth ASAP. Stop. Blavik, this is your last warning! Stop that now! I’m trying to record a message for the captain! Stop that!
So, shortly later, Righteous is boarding a Bajoran ship, a large Orb in his hands. He walks up to a no-name.
Righteous - Here, take this Orb of the Prophets to my quarters, please.
No-Name #8 - Which one is it, sir?
Righteous - The Orb of Condemnation.
No-Name #8 - You mean the Orb of Contemplation?
Righteous - Maybe. Not quite sure. I don’t usually read the fine print on stuff that comes out of the Celestial Temple.
Righteous hands him the orb and walks away. No-Name #8 glances around to make sure no one is watching, then opens the orb, which causes him to immediately burst into flames and die.
Scene 14 - The USS Celestial. On the bridge, Ensign Center stops pressing buttons and turns to Captain Competent.
Center - Sir, we’re just about ready.
Ensign Blavik enters from the turbolift.
Blavik - The enhanced structural integrity field will cause a large amount of nucleonic radiation, but I’ve inoculated the crew so it shouldn’t be a problem. The bridge staff are all that remain.
Competent - Make it such. How long until we can go to slipstream?
Center - Not long. We’ll be in the stream only a few minutes. This ship’s streamlined hull and warp field allows the slipstream to be smaller and tighter, and therefore faster.
Competent - Then when all is ready, make it such.
Blavik finishes injecting people with drugs and takes a seat on the left side of the Captain.
Center - Helm, modifications are ready.
No-Name #3 - Plotting course for Earth, bringing main deflector online. The Sra’xa’diin fleet will arrive in the Sol system at about the same time we do so we’ll have to go straight to tactical mode as soon as we exit slipstream. All systems report ready. Awaiting your order, sir.
Competent - Engage.
No-Name #3 - Aye sir. Slipstream in 4... 3... 2... 1...
Camera goes outside the ship and watches as a large bluish portal opens up and sucks the Celestial into it. Camera goes to the bridge.
No-Name #2 - Oh, sh*t! We forgot to reset the odometer! Now we can’t charge this trip to Starfleet! DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!
Center - I can’t believe I stayed in Starfleet for this crap...
Scene 15 - Near Earth. Admiral Spot wakes up lying on a biobed, fur missing from her tail and a white plastic cone around her neck.
Spot - HISS! (What the HELL is this!)
No-Name Doctor - I... was bored.
Spot - Meow purr (Why isn’t my universal translator working?)
No-Name Doctor - Damn it, Admiral I’m a doctor, not a diagnostic program!
The No-Name drops a PADD he had been working on and storms out of the room. Admiral Ross walks in.
Ross - How are you feeling?
Spot - Hiss purr meow (Like I’ve been some bratty kid’s pet for a month. What the hell happened?)
Ross - Species 8472 attacked Earth. We lost a few ships and a few thousand people, but nothing bad.
Spot - What prompted the attack?
Ross - No idea. Maybe it has something to do with the “101 Reasons Why Biological Ships Suck” paper Dr. A. F. Itt sent into fluidic space a couple of weeks ago.
Spot - Uh...
Ross - Heh, just kidding.
Spot - Meow (So are there any more bioships heading this way?)
The room shakes as eight bioships fly by the window.
Ross - Heading this way... probably not... already here... more than likely.
Camera goes out into space as seven of the bioships form a circle around the eighth. One by one they fire their bioweapons at the back of the central ship, all except one.
Central Bioship’s Pilot (telepathically) - Hurry up!
Hesitant Bioship’s Pilot - I was just thinking... it’s very immoral to destroy the people who provided us with a defence against the nanoprobe bombs the Borg used on us.
Central Bioship’s Pilot - Who cares?
Hesitant Bioship’s Pilot - Good point.
The seventh bioship fires its weapon at the back of the central ship and a large powerful biopulse beam flies out of the central ship, hits and reflects off a frozen beer ball, bounces off the side of the Monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey, goes through the side of the nearby Enterprise, reflects off Picard’s shiny head, and zooms straight toward Earth.
To be continued...
(but probably not)