Episode 19: “Tripping Over Loose Ends”

Written by Swordtail

Published March 16, 2006

Scene 1 - Camera flies through San Francisco and towards one of the tallest skyscrapers. A seagull gets hit by an air car as the camera moves through a window into an office with a chair’s back to the window. As the camera pans around to face the chair we see Fleet Admiral Spot laying on the table playing with a ball of yarn.

Spot - Purr...

Suddenly, the doors burst open and in walk Admiral Nelix, Admiral Ross, and Admiral Janeway. Spot jumps and throws the ball of yarn out the open window where it falls 147 stories and hits some pedestrian in the head.

Spot - HISS! What do you people want!?!

Nelix, Ross, Janeway - We’ve located Chester’s home planet!

Spot - Where!

Ross - We tracked the OSS Scratchingpost and the zombie ship to a remote class-M moon in the Bomai sector. The planet was once a mining colony but now supports a population of 100,000, all grouped into one large city.

Nelix - We’ve turned all our listening satellites onto that planet and we’ll know his activities all the way down to what one of his henchman is having for supper. Which, by the way, is marinated crab with brown rice.

Spot - Well, what are we waiting for? Send every available ship.

Janeway - Unfortunately, most of our ships are currently busy in the fight into Breen space. I’ve dispatched Voyager but it will take about two days to get there at maximum warp. There is one ship within 12 hours distance of the planet, though. It’s the–

Spot - Wait, don’t tell me. I already know what ship you’re going to say it is. It’s their series after all. Very well people, good work. I’ll contact this ship and give them their orders. Dismissed.

The three other admirals leave. Spot turns to her computer.

Spot - Computer, open a secure, priority one channel to the USS Celestial.

Computer - You told me to shoot you the next time you asked to contact Righteous. Does that order still stand?

Spot - Um... ask me next time. Transmit.

Opening credits: Don’t worry, it’ll be over soon. Theme song: “Session” by Linkin Park.

Scene 2 - The Celestial’s briefing room. All of the senior staff are present. Currently, they are arguing about something.

Baque - Well, I don’t like it. Just because it’s a Starfleet directive doesn’t mean we should follow it.

Righteous - Lieutenant, I’m going to run this ship like Steven Harper ran Canada in the 2006 term.

Baque - Well, it’s a good thing I’m the pilot then.

Righteous - I meant without corruption, not into the ground.

Senseless - Both of you! Please! Let’s just drop the subject. Now, Lieutenant Commander Greaser says that the new warp core is working fine, so we can get back to doing our mission.

Bios - Which is...?

Genocide - The destruction of the Breen Confederation and their allies.

Righteous - No, the destruction of the Pah-Wraiths and their followers.

Senseless - It’s the peaceful exploration of space and the protection of the United Federation of Planets and our allies.

Baque - How about we change it to “To kick Righteous in the--”

Admiral Spot’s holographic form appears in the middle of the table.

Spot - Wake up, you sorry excuses for Starfleet officers!

Baque - Gah!

Righteous - Kitty!

Spot - I don’t have much time so listen up. You are the nearest ship to the Bomai sector. We’re transmitting a set of coordinates that we’ve tracked Chester and the zombies to. Go there and conduct an all out assault on their base. Capture them if possible, eliminate them otherwise. Do not screw this one up! Do you all understand?

Righteous - Who is Chester?

Spot - HISS! This is why we’re sending the USS Voyager NCC-74656-A along as backup. They’ll arrive about a day after you get there.

Senseless - Ma’am, with all due respect, this is suicide!

Spot - No, screwing this mission up in any way possible is suicide. You’ve all been to hell, so you should know that hell hath no wrath like that of an angry feline. No, I’m serious, guys. Something bad is coming your way. I can feel it. You have to get this mission right or I might not be able to help you when the kitty litter hits the fan. Spot out.

The holo-communicator deactivates.

Righteous - Are we under any obligation to actually follow these orders?

Senseless - Yes we are, sir.

Righteous - Bummer. Helm boy, set a course for wherever the heck Admiral Spot wants to send us.

Baque - Would you stop calling me that?!?

Scene 3 - Space... yeah that’s about it. Oh wait, the Celestial zooms by at warp speeds and then drops out of warp, stalls, sputters, and then goes back into warp, and keeps going. On the bridge...

Righteous - Estimated time of arrival?

Baque - Twenty seconds less than it was the last time you asked.

Bios - Commander, we’re not going to have to deal with that evil Macrosoft programmer again, are we?

Senseless - I’d count on it if I were you.

Tener - And the zombies?

Senseless - Our orders are to take those out as well.

Genocide - Good. More target practice.

Greaser - Are we forgetting anyone?

Genocide- No, we remembered to include Tener in this mission this time.

Tener - Real funny, sir.

Greaser - I meant our enemies.

Baque - Deranged cat, evil nerd, persons of low cellular cohesion... nope, I don’t think we’re forgetting anyone.

Righteous - Okay.

Long pause. The sound of the environmental fans and the hum of the EPS grid can be heard, among beeps and whirs of bridge controls.

Righteous - So who’s up for a game of Twister?

Scene 4 - On some stupid planet (moon, whatever!) in the Bomai sector, Chester, the current leader of the Orion Syndicate, is in his lair inside the OSS Scratchingpost (which is hovering over a city), laying on his desk playing with a ball of barbed wire.

Chester - Purr...

And, not unexpectedly, Dr. Will Doores, the zombie leader (the maintenance guy), and some random no-name we’ll call Henchman #1 burst in.

Chester - HISS!!!

He tosses the ball of wire out the opened window where it rolls down the hull and then proceeds to fall 1,000 metres and kills some random generic civilian on the ground.

Chester - What do you people want!

Zombie #1 - Urgg. Ship coming. Need ship parts now. Can’t wait.

Doores - The Federation starship Celestial, site of one of my most ingenious works of programming, is approaching this location at warp 9. They will be here in less than two hours.

Chester - What?!? How did they find us?

Henchman #1 - I’d hazard a guess it’s got something to do with trying to hide two Galaxy-class starships by hovering them in plain view over a city! IDIOT!

Chester takes out a phaser and vaporizes Henchman #1.

Chester - I hate it when my underlings outsmart me. Now, Mr. Zombie. You were saying something about ship parts...?

Dr. Doores - He needs that weapon right away. If the Celestial gets here, they’ll most likely level the entire city.

Chester - Those Starfleet SOB’s wouldn’t dare harm a civilian population.

Doores - I once met their chief tactical officer. Trust me, nothing will stop him from killing us.

Chester - Alright, take what you need. Doctor, see they get it installed correctly.

Zombie #1 - Urrg.

Chester - Now, get out before I decide to do a violent shift rotation.

Scene 5 - The Celestial flies through space at warp speeds.

Righteous - Captain’s log, stardate 434668.7. We are still en route to Chester’s base of operations. I don’t see why we just can’t enlist the help of the Prophets and wipe them from the face of the universe, but I suppose Starfleet Command has its reasons. So, we currently have no plan, so I went down to Engineering to figure one out.

Camera is in engineering. Righteous, Senseless, Center and Greaser are present and standing near a console.

Greaser - Dumb idea.

Center - It is not!

Righteous - See? At least someone sees the brilliance in ramming the OSS Scratchingpost at maximum warp.

Senseless - Captain, all our momentum would be converted to energy and the explosion would destroy us, the entire planet, and probably most of the system.

Righteous - Nonsense. Everyone knows you can’t destroy a planet without the Prophets’ help.

Senseless - Sir, we witnessed it back in December, remember?

Righteous - Oh, yeah, the Cardassians... I forgot. Okay, so what do we do then?

Greaser - Best option is to go in with phasers firing and lay waste to the whole area.

Senseless - There’s a whole civilian city beneath that ship. We can’t just go in and shoot everywhere.

Righteous - Yeah, kinda funny they parked themselves even lower that normal. Almost like they were expecting us to come looking for them...

Senseless - Funny how we never figure that out until now, but you’re probably right, sir. We just need to use that to our advantage.

Center - Chester may be a sitting duck, but what about the zombie ship? The stolen Borg cutting beam? The terrible paint job they did to the Scratchingpost?

Greaser - I think Dr. Puker is working on a bio weapon for use against the zombies. The cutting beam could be a problem though. Last time they fired it at us it vaporised the warp core and killed Tener. He came back, warp core didn’t. I’d rather not lose another core. Starfleet refused to replace our spare one that we were forced to use so we’re fresh out of warp cores if this one gets destroyed.

Righteous - And the poor paint job?

Senseless - Don’t worry about it, sir.

Righteous - Okay then. I’ll be on the bridge if anyone needs me.

Righteous leaves the room.

Greaser - So... is he coming up with our assault plan?

Senseless - Oh, probably.

Greaser - Hmm... When’s Voyager getting here again?

Scene 6 - Bridge of the Celestial. Baque, Genocide, and Bios are present and at their stations. Blavik and Puker are standing behind the railing behind the command chairs.

Baque - Now, I think we have time: Three Vulcans walk into a bar and order some bloodwine. The bartender gives them an odd look but proceeds with the order. While he is looking for the bottle, the Vulcans get up and start dancing and singing around the room. Dumbfounded, the bartender nearly overflows the cups but as soon as the drinks are poured the three Vulcans stop their noise making and sit down and start drinking. Then the bartender asks—

Genocide - SH*T!!!

Baque - Damn it... I never get to finish that joke!

Bios - What a crying shame.

Genocide - The zombie ship is approaching at warp 6.

Puker - Oh crap! The bioweapon isn’t ready! Try to evade them while we work. Come on, Ensign.

Genocide - All hands, battlestations.

Puker and Blavik leave the room. A few seconds later, camera goes out into space and watches as the two ships drop out of warp and face each other. The zombie ship takes the first shot, firing a wide green beam from a newly attached launcher on the bottom of the saucer. The beam skims the starboard side of the Celestial as it tries to evade. It cuts through the hull and goes out the back of the forward section, nearly hitting the starboard nacelle pylon as it passes through. On the bridge...

Bios - Hull breach on deck 9! Emergency forcefields are holding.

Genocide - A Borg cutting beam! How cute... evasive manoeuvres!

Baque - Remodulate the shields, I can’t shake them.

The ship rocks again.

Bios - Hull breach on decks 13, 14, 15, and 16. We’ve lost the aft sensor array.

Genocide - That beam is passing through our shields as if they weren’t there. There’s no way to stop it.

Baque - Then hit them with everything we have!

Camera goes out into space as the Celestial fires its two forward phaser arrays, four photon torpedoes, a rubber chicken, lead pipes, several torpedo-encased crewmen from the morgue, and tonnes and tonnes of forks and knives (I’m sure I’ve done this before... oh well!). Camera goes back to the bridge, where Righteous, Senseless, and Center have arrived.

Senseless - Report.

Genocide - No damage to their weapons. They’re evading our phasers somehow!

Righteous - When will that bioweapon be ready?

Bios - Not soon enough. The doctor says he needs at least another hour or so.

Righteous - Then I believe the best option is to put our heads between our legs and kiss our–

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Bios - Port nacelle pylon! The cutting beam took out the main warp plasma conduit! We’re venting plasma!

Center - Communications are failing! If we’re going to call for help, we’d better do it now.

Senseless - Get us out of here, maximum warp!

Baque - Setting course out of here, warp 9.936.

Center - We can go that fast with only one nacelle?

Baque - Yep, good ‘ole redundant systems.

Righteous - By all means helm boy, engage!

Camera watches as the Celestial turns to go to warp. The zombie ship fires its weapon one last time and puts a hole through all nine decks of the forward section. Despite the damage, the Celestial still manages to go to warp. On the bridge, the crew hold on to their consoles for dear overworked life as the bridge explodes around them. Finally, the shaking and sparking stops.

Senseless - Did we lose them?

Bios - Them and most of us. I’m reading that we’ve lost a major portion of our outer hull. Repairs will be extensive and time consuming.

Righteous - Bummer. Are we back on a course for that unnamed planet?

Baque - Yeah we are.

Center’s console is beeping.

Center - Sir, I’m picking up a Sovereign-class starship heading this way. I think it’s Voyager.

Righteous - I thought we weren’t going to have any fan ships in this series!

Senseless - Sir, we’re on a fan ship!

Righteous - Not in my world we aren’t. Hail Voyager.

Captain Chakotay appears on the screen.

Righteous - Hi, Captain Chuckles.

Chakotay - It’s CHAKOTAY! Now, do you need assistance? We detected Borg weapons signatures on your hull and several large holes.

Senseless - We do need to stop and repair. I thought you weren’t supposed to be here for another 24 hours?

Chakotay - Well, when you travel 70,000 lightyears in 7 years, you learn a thing or two about shortcuts.

Senseless - Naturally. There’s a class 4 nebula half a lightyear from here. Let’s stop there and make repairs.

Chakotay - Very well. We’ll follow you. Voyager out.

Righteous - Bye!

Beep!

Senseless - Set a course.

Baque - Whatever.

Scene 7 - Celestial’s briefing room. All the Celestial senior staff are present, as are Captain Chakotay, and Lieutenant-Commander Vorik.

Senseless - This is getting ridiculous. Why is it every time the radioactive mutant zombie no-names are involved the plot line goes down the crapper?

Righteous - They do have that effect.

Chakotay - We weren’t told much. Who is Chester?

Righteous - He’s a kitty cat! A fluffy kitty cat!

Senseless - Apparently the same thing that happened to Admiral Nelix and Admiral Spot happened to him and he became sentient. He had no trouble at all of escaping from O’Brien’s life and ended up as the leader of the Orion Syndicate. He stole a Galaxy-class starship and modified it to operate as his flagship. He formed an alliance with the radioactive mutant zombie no-names from a planet near Cardassia.

Vorik - How do you intend to capture him?

Genocide - We don’t. At least I don’t. I want to kill him.

Baque - We’ve tried that before. It’s never worked.

Genocide - There’s more than one way to skin a cat.

Senseless (to Chakotay) - I don’t suppose you have any suggestions?

Chakotay - I want to tell you a parable I heard as a child: There were three blind mice. They all ran up to the farmer’s wife, who chopped off their tails with a carving knife.

The rest of the officers in the room stare at him. Crickets can be heard chirping in the background.

Greaser - How does that help us?

Chakotay - I’m not sure it does. Hold on, I have another: Three Vulcans walk into a bar and order some–...

Baque - ...3... 2... 1...

No-Name #1 - Bridge to Captain Righteous. The zombie ship has located us!

Senseless - Battlestations! Transporter room 1, beam Captain Chakotay and Commander Vorik to their ship.

The Celestial’s senior staff leave the room as Chuckles and the Vulcan guy dematerialize.

Scene 8 - Camera watches the nebula as the zombie ship enters it. Then, in classic cartoon fashion, the nebula undergoes severe and long lasting turbulence while phaser beams and torpedoes can be seen flying out of it. Loud explosions can be heard among the chaos and bits of debris can be seen flying out of the nebula with the ballistic ammo. After about a minute, the Celestial and Voyager come flying out of the nebula, all beat up. The zombie ship, also beat up, follows them. On the Celestial’s bridge...

(All senior staff are present except the medical people.)

Senseless - Do we have warp drive back at full capacity?

Greaser - Yes. Try it now.

Baque - Setting a course for the Bomai system, maximum warp.

Center - Captain Chakotay is hailing. He says he’ll hold off the zombies as long as he can.

Righteous - That’s nice of him.

Senseless - Engage.

The camera watches the Celestial jump to warp, again.

Scene 9 - Onboard the OSS Scrachingpost, Chester is becoming really pissed off really fast.

Chester - THOSE INCOMPETENT ZOMBIES!!! BARGE OF THE BRAIN DEAD, IS WHAT I CALL THEM!!! I GIVE THEM THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON I COULD STEAL AND THEY STILL CAN’T DESTROY ONE MEASLY STARSHIP!!! GAH!!!

Dr. Doores - The Celestial and that other ship will be here in less than two hours.

Chester - Time for plan B.

Doores - We have a plan B?

Chester - I always have a plan B.

Doores - Ok, what’s plan B then?

Chester - Plan B is where I tell you to figure out a new plan.

Doores - Ah, I see.

Chester - Now go use some of that scrap metal you call computers and find a way to stop the Celestial.

Doores - Why don’t you just warp away? You have a ship, after all.

Chester - Did I ask you to point out the blindingly obvious solutions to my problems? No, I didn’t! Go to work! Now!

Doores promptly turns and geekily runs from the room.

Scene 10 - Celestial, bridge. Everyone except Tener, Puker, and Blavik are present.

Baque - We’ve entered the Bomai system.

Righteous - Take us in.

Baque - Um, isn’t that what I was doing?

Senseless - Drop out of warp and move toward Bomai Prime, full impulse.

Baque - Ok. So, once we capture Chester, and kill the zombies, we’ll not have to worry about extra work anymore?

Righteous - I wouldn’t count on it. After all, the zombies are sort of our doing...

Genocide - I’m picking up small ships heading this way from the surface. Chester’s getting desperate if he’s sending sub-light ships after us.

Center - Why doesn’t he just warp away from this system? He’s done it before.

Bios - Probably for the same reason he’s hovering over a city instead of sitting in orbit. I think his ship is too heavily damaged and can’t go to warp. It’s been through a lot lately. He doesn’t have the fortune of a large shipyard and a tolerant and understanding fleet admiral.

Baque - Nelix and Spot are tolerant and understanding?

Senseless - Just to be on the safe side though, keep track of any ships that try to leave the system. Tag them if you can.

Bios - Sure sir.

Baque - We’re entering weapons range of the Scratchingpost.

Senseless - Hold your fire, let’s just see how willing he is to die. Hail them.

Center - Um, they’re hailing us.

Righteous - On screen.

Instead of showing Chester or anyone at all, a white box pops up on the screen. Inside it are the words, “Do you want cheap life insurance? (Yes, No).”

Righteous - Cheap life insurance! HOW CAN WE LOSE!?!?! Click yes click yes click yes click yes please oh please oh please please please!!!

Senseless - Sir, it’s probably a trap.

Righteous - Oh, alright. Click no, Ensign.

Bios - NO!!!! DON’T CLICK ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!

Center - Gah, too late! Sorry!

The lights start flickering and the comm system starts beeping. On every console and wall monitor throughout the ship, tonnes of ads for everything from “Fake Credible University Diplomas” to “60% off all books bought HERE” start filling the screens. On the bridge, the crew have their hands full trying to close the popups.

Bios - It’s adware, sir! It’s designed to download itself into our computer and bother us with useless advertisements. It’s using up system resources at an ever-increasing rate!

Genocide - How am I supposed to fire at anything if ads for affordable housing keep covering the targeting display?!?

Senseless - Lieutenant Bios, stop this! Now!

Bios - I’m trying sir, but I don’t think I can–ah oh! It’s gotten into the holographic mainframe.

Then, holographic boxes sided with ads start appearing throughout the bridge. And elsewhere... Camera is in the mess hall. A box selling quality Cajun foods are bothering the crew. A no-name reaches for it, but it is quickly replaced by an add for Geico car insurance.

No-Name #2 - Damn. Lost another meal to Geico...

Camera is in sickbay. Ads for Canadian-style pharmaceuticals are annoying Dr. Puker and Ensign Blavik.

Puker - Great, as if the waiting lines weren’t long enough, now this thing is blocking the door.

Blavik (reading) - ...Delivered right to your door... most logical...

Camera is in engineering. Greaser has found her way down there and is attempting to override something. A box displaying an ad for effective weight loss plans pops up behind her and starts beeping.

Greaser - Okay! That’s it! I’ve tried damn hard to keep the kilograms off and now this thing is telling me I’m fat! GAH!!!!!!! I AM NOT FAT!!!

She whips out a phaser and blows the box into its constituent photons.

Camera is back on the bridge. Bios is slaving over her console while Senseless and Righteous are shooting the boxes with phasers whenever they try to cover a door or ventilation duct.

Senseless - Computers are supposed to be your area of expertise, Lieutenant!

Bios - Oh, just give me a minute!

Righteous - AH! That one told me my horoscope said I’m going to die tomorrow!!! AHH!

Bios - F**K!

She hits the console with her fist and the holograms disappear.

Bios - Well, now we’re getting somewhere.

She hits some more buttons and the ads on the consoles disappear as well.

Senseless - What did you do?

Bios - I ran AdAware and Spybot Search and Destroy. They’ve removed the adware, but a lot of memory was overwritten.

Genocide - I have weapons.

Senseless - Target their weapons array. Fire!

The Celestial shoots a phaser beam at the Scratchingpost. Onboard said ship...

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Chester - Damn it, I thought you said this would work.

Doores - That was just the tip of the iceberg. I’m transmitting the second phase now. It’s a virus which will find a vulnerable system and deactivate it. I call it Windows NT.

Camera goes to the bridge of the Celestial.

Senseless - Report.

Genocide - Direct hit to their dorsal phaser emitter. Minimum damage.

Center - Captain, we’re being hailed again.

Baque - Block it!

Center - But Starfleet regulations clearly state we must respond to any and all attempts at communication from the enemy.

As Baque is about to say something, his console goes blank, as does the engineering consoles at the engineering station.

Baque - Ah oh...

Center - We’re losing attitude control.

Baque - The next time you take a message from an enemy after they’ve screwed us over once before using that same method, I’ll show you some loss of attitude control...

Righteous - That is, if we survive.

The bridge officers look toward the viewscreen as the planet (fine, moon) starts to become bigger.

Commercial break (sorry, but using all those ads means those companies have to be considered “sponsors” and need to have their commercials shown)

”Star Trek: Celestial is brought to you by the useless junk email filters provided by Hotmail!”

Scene 11 - Camera is on the USS Celestial as it nosedives through the planet’s atmosphere. Camera goes to main engineering. Greaser, Tener, and tonnes of screaming no-names are present as the ship rocks around them and the emergency klaxons go off.

Greaser - Switch to manual control of the intermix ratio!

No-Name #3 - No effect!

Greaser - Try rebooting the main computer!

No-Name #4 - I can’t get access to the computer systems!

Greaser - Divert emergency power to the auxiliary thrusters!

No-Name #5 - They’re already at 110% of normal operation!

Tener - It says here there’s an overload in the starboard power coupling. Is that bad?

KA-BOOM! Ship lurches, steam and fire, No-Names #3, 4, and 5 are killed instantly. Ten more no-names are injured badly.

Greaser - Greaser to bridge, I’ve just lost my entire engineering team and half the consoles down here. Tell me Bios has had luck getting whatever that was out of our computers.

Senseless (over comm) - No. We’re going to have to abandon ship. Get your people to the escape pods.

Center (also over comm) - Wait! Voyager’s here!

The ship lurches and the camera goes outside to watch Voyager lock a tractor beam on the Celestial and pull them out of their dive. The Sovereign class starship moves the Opaka-class ship next to the modified Galaxy-class ship. On the Celestial’s bridge...

Chakotay (on viewscreen) - Hurry up and board their ship! We have to pull you back into orbit, the zombies are hot on our trail.

Righteous - Righteous to Lieutenant Tener, is your boarding party ready?

Tener (over comm) - Yes sir.

Righteous - Well then go capture the kitty cat and his supporters. And bring us back some cake and ice cream if you have room in your party bags.

Tener - Yes sir, Tener out.

Camera goes to some airlock where Tener and his large team of yellow shirts are double-checking the settings on their compression phaser rifles.

Tener - Set to pulse mode.

No-Name #6 - Check.

Tener - Heavy stun, everyone.

No-Name #6 - What’s with the party hats?

Tener - Captain’s gift. Just wear them...

He pulls on his conical party hat, spins his noise maker, and opens the airlock. The twenty person boarding party run out across the top of the hull and jump onto the OSS Scratchingpost.

Tener (over the wind and whine of the tractor beams locked firmly on the Celestial and the Scratchingpost) - Alpha team, we’ll enter through the ready room on deck 1. Beta and Gamma teams, come in through this deck and enter the bridge from below. Delta team, take main engineering.

No-Names - YEAH!

Tener - Alright let’s move out!

Ten of the people, including Tener, run as fast as they can up the hull and climb over the dorsal phaser strip. Once Tener and a couple of his team are over, he says to the others:

Tener - Hurry, they could fire at any moment–

A glowing ball of phaser energy zooms along the phaser strip and fires upward at the spot where a no-name is climbing over the emitter.

No-Name #7 - (sizzle) AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Tener - Oh well, just don’t let it happen again.

Scene 12 - On the Scratchingpost’s bridge, Chester is sitting in his cat chair and barking orders.

Chester - I DON’T CARE HOW THE ENGINES DON’T WORK RIGHT, WE NEED TO MOVE, NOW!!!

All of a sudden, the ready room doors explode inward and 9 Starfleet commandoes barge onto the bridge, shooting everything in sight.

Tener - Now, which one of you is Chester?

Chester - Gee, I don’t know...

Tener - Right, the cat.

Chester - Not so fast... you see, I know your weakness... CUE THE ZOMBIES!!!

The turbolift doors open and 6 zombies, lead by Zombie #1, enter the bridge.

Zombies - Urgg!!!!

Tener - IT’S THE ATTACK OF THE RADIOACTIVE MUTANT ZOMBIE No-NameS FROM A PLANET IN THE BOMAI SECTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

The other No-Names start blasting at the undead soldiers while Tener runs back and forth screaming like a little girl. He finally gets his act together and targets his phaser on Zombie #1.

Tener - If I kill you, it’s game over for your kind!

He fires, but the shots just blow holes through the dead guy and he keeps coming toward Tener, who taps his commbadge.

Tener - Lieutenant Tener to Dr. Puker, a little help please?

Puker - Stand by.

With about two metres between Tener and Zombie #1, a hum fills the room and a Federation Type II Photon torpedo materializes between Tener and his nemesis.

Zombie #1 - Urgg?

The ambient sound the torpedo makes starts to increase its pitch and get louder.

No-Name #8 - SHE’S GONNA BLOW!!!

Everyone in the room ducks and covers their heads, waiting for the end to come. Then, the torpedo makes a low “pop” sound and a mini-crossbow pops up out of the casing and fires a small dart at Zombie #1, Tener, Chester, and everyone else in range.

Chester - What’s this, a tetanus shot?

Doores - What was in this? Was it AIDS?!?

Zombie #1 raises his hand to add something, but as he opens his mouth, his arm falls off.

Chester - Okay, I knew you people were a little old and decrepit, but seriously!

Zombie #1 falls over and turns to dust. Shortly afterward, every other zombie in the room starts writhing and falling apart. They too turn to dust.

Doores - Oh boy...

Senseless - Celestial to Lieutenant Tener, what happened over there? The zombie ship was attacking Voyager, but just stopped and is drifting around now!

Tener - It’s over, sir. The radioactive mutant zombie no-names from a planet near Cardassia are no more. As is the Orion Syndicate.

Chester - Oh that’s what you think! So long, suckers!

He presses a button on the arm of his chair, which makes the commander’s seat eject through the roof.

Chester - Ah crap! I installed the ejection seat in the wrong chair! DAMN IT!

Tener - Well, I do believe you’ll be coming with us. You too, doctor!

Doores - You’ll never take me alive! I shall smite you with my mighty sword of doom! Just let me get my D20 out so I can see if it hits or not...

He takes an odd shaped die out of his pocket and rolls it on the floor.

Doores - Ah crap, it misses. No matter, I’ll just RUN AWAY!

The computer nerd takes off running around the room.

Tener (to No-Name #8) - Just stun him, will ya?

Bzzzt!

Chester - If you think I’ll tell you anything about the Syndicate, you’re going to be very disappointed.

Tener - Away team to Celestial, beam Alpha team back along with Chester and Dr. Will Doores.

Center - Yes, sir.

Tener turns toward Chester and grins.

Tener - And tell sickbay to get the bathtub ready...

Chester - (gulp)!

Scene 13 - Earth Spacedock. The Celestial and Voyager flies in through the space doors. Righteous, Senseless, Genocide, Greaser, Puker, Tener, Baque, Bios, Blavik, Center, Chakotay, and some no-names are celebrating the end of the Orion Syndicate.

Bios - Ever noticed how these mushroom-shaped starbases seem to have gotten lot bigger in the last 90 years?

Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix walk in.

Senseless - Ma’am!

Spot - At ease, we just beamed over. I take it everything went okay?

Righteous - Well, we had a few setbacks but other than that no problems. We’ll need about 40 replacement crewmen, a bunch of hull plates, and we’ll need those holes fixed.

Spot - I think we can arrange that, can’t we, Admiral?

Nelix - Yes, I think we can. If I didn’t know better, I’d say your crew and even you acted in a competent manner for once. Looks like I lost the bet to Janeway... Where the hell am I going to get fifty megatonnes of coffee beans?

The mess hall doors open and a soaking wet Chester runs through, covered in soap bubbles. Two no-names with sponges and scratches on their arms follow him.

Chester - DON’T YOU PEOPLE HAVE LAWS AGAINST THIS KIND OF THING!?!?!?!

Chester and the no-names leave run through the other doors.

Puker - Well, all’s well that ends well, and this is the fifth time I’ve said that, at least. We captured Chester, eliminated the zombies, took one more hacker off the net, and dealt a serious blow to the Orion Syndicate. Not only that, but we managed to keep our ship in one piece this time too. For the most part, anyway.

Greaser - Whatever happened to Logic Man, Commander Spliff, or Binky the Mistreated Targ?

Blavik - Logic Man was self-sentenced to three years in prison for having an annoying song sung about him without the proper licences. Commander Spliff is probably dead, seeing as that temporal anomaly would have caused his ship’s warp core to overload. As for Binky the Mistreated Targ, I doubt we’ve seen the last of him.

While no one is watching a temporal portal opens just outside the station and a large explosion comes out. Propelled forward by the blast is Binky the Mistreated Targ who flies through the doors but gets his tail stuck as they close shut.

Binky - (no one can hear you scream in space!)!!!!!

Camera goes back to the Celestial.

Spot - How is morale holding up?

Genocide - Couldn’t be better.

Nelix - Good because we’re sending you to the front lines first thing tomorrow.

Genocide - God damn it, I love my job!

The End

No-Name #9 - Pie!