Episode 26: “Because the Book Says So”

Written by Swordtail

Published January 27, 2007

Scene 1 - Camera pans by the Celestial as it orbits a planet, then goes to one of the transporter rooms. Senseless, Baque, Tener, and some nameless extra are standing on the transporter pad looking around, yawning, checking their watches, and twiddling their thumbs, obviously bored.

Senseless - My god, he’s never been this late before!

Baque - Let’s just go already!!!

No-Name #1 - Sir, we should really get going. I’m so excited I think I might faint if I wait any longer!!! Wow! My first away mission! And an important one! Finding out why a village exists while no villagers are being detected is an anthropologist’s dream!

Baque whispers to Tener.

Baque - I give him less than an hour.

Tener - Put me down for 1 to 2.

Senseless - Alright, we’ve waited enough. Crewman, energize.

The four dematerialize and the camera goes to the planet, just outside a medieval village of some sort with smoke coming from chimneys and birds flying around. The away team materializes and takes out their tricorders.

Baque - Still no sign of life forms.

Tener - Strange... not even those birds register.

Senseless - Holographic?

Tener - I don’t think so... I’m picking up infrared radiation from them... and... uh, hold on, infrared in our vicinity just spiked. I think–

An arrow flies out and hits No-Name #1 in the heart.

No-Name #1 - AH!!! (dies)

Baque - Yes! I win!

Dozens of armed and angry villagers storm towards them.

Villager #1 - Identify yourselves!

Villager #2 - They do not wear the colours of our kin. They must be enemies! Kill them!

Villager #3 - YEAH!

Senseless - Uh... hold on a second, we’re just passing through, we mean you no harm!

The villagers march toward them holding spears.

Baque - I win I win la la la la la la! Pay up, James!

Tener mutters as he tosses a strip of latinum to Baque.

O–no, not even going to say it...

Scene 2 - Camera watches as Righteous runs down the corridor, straightening his uniform as he goes. He runs into Transporter Room 1 and finds it empty.

Righteous - Wow, I guess I didn’t oversleep after all!

No-Name #2 - Actually sir, they beamed down about two minutes ago.

Righteous - Oh. Righteous to away team!

Senseless - Sir, be–

Righteous - Real mature guys, this is going on your records! I’m three hours late so you disobey my orders and beam down without out me.

Senseless - SIR, BEAM US–

Righteous - Cut the channel. Crewman, beam me down.

Camera goes to outside the village where Commander Senseless, Lieutenant Baque, and Lieutenant Tener have been tied to a post and a fire is being lit around them. The villagers are singing and doing victory dances. All of a sudden, Captain Righteous materializes out of thin air. The villagers stop what they’re doing and look at him.

Righteous - Oh, hi guys! I’m Lee! Who are you?

Villager #1 - ALL HAIL LEE!!!

All the villagers get down on their knees and bow down before Righteous, who looks more confused than normal. He glances at Senseless.

Righteous - Commander, what are they doing?

Villagers - HAIL!

Senseless - I think they’re worshipping you, sir. Speaking of which, can you get us out of here please?

Righteous - Uh, hey guys, would you mind untying my underlings please?

Villager #2 - RELEASE THE HONOURED GUESTS AT ONCE!!!

Fifteen villagers run to the three officers and frantically untie them, then bow down in the direction of Righteous. Senseless walks over to the Captain.

Senseless - They killed our anthropologist, by the way.

Righteous - So, no big loss?

Senseless - He was our only anthropologist. They are hard to come by these days. And now I have to perform a funeral. I hate those. For more than one reason.

Rigtheous - Still, no biggie.

He turns around in time to see four villagers carrying a chair coming toward him. They shove Senseless out of the way and pick Righteous up and place him on the chair. Then, singing in some strange language too pointless to translate, they carry Righteous off in the direction of the medieval village.

Righteous - Uh, Commander?

Senseless - Just go with it for now, sir, we’ll get you out of there as soon as possible.

The mob moves out of sight. Senseless turns to Baque and Tener.

Senseless - Alright, looks like we’ve f***ed up this culture already so now we’re going to have to switch to damage control mode. Tener, stay here and protect the Captain, and also try to figure out why they think he’s a god.

Tener - Wouldn’t that be because they saw him appear out of thin air?

Baque - Most medieval cultures believe such things are related to witchcraft. The fact that we weren’t all immediately burned at the stake is a miracle, to say the least.

Senseless - Baque and I will head back to the ship and try to figure out why we didn’t detect these people from orbit.

Tener - Alright sir, have fun.

Tener takes off at a jog toward the village.

Senseless - Senseless to Celestial, two to beam up.

No-Name #2 - Sir, I’m not detecting your biosigns. Where are you?

Senseless - Lock onto our commbadges. Energize.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

Scene 3 - Celestial’s bridge. Senseless and Baque enter as Bios and Center are staring at a console.

Senseless - Figured it out yet?

Bios - Huh?

Senseless - Have you figured out why we can’t detect animal life signs on this planet?

Center - Oh, is that what we’re supposed to be doing?

Bios - We were watching Wheel of Fortume.

Senseless - Well, pause it if you can.

Bios hits some buttons, reads some screens, hits some more buttons, and turns to Senseless.

Bios - Meh, it has something to do with radiant electromagnetic interference and stuff that the plants cancel out due to absorbing large amounts of magnesium and niobium through the soil or something. Bob, switch back to Wheel of Fortune.

Senseless - Can you modify the sensors to cut through the interference?

Center - Sorry sir, that plot device only works so often.

Senseless - Right. Senseless to Transporter Room 1, get a lock on the Captain and Lieutenant Tener and beam them back at once.

Camera goes to the transporter room. Tener and a commbadge materialize on the platform. No-Name #2 looks at the commbadge.

No-Name #2 - Oh, bugger.

Tener - Tener to Commander Senseless, I think the Captain took his commbadge off again.

Senseless (over comm) - Damn it, we pin it to his uniform and he still manages to lose it! I swear, we should implant the damn thing under his skin or something where he won’t be able to drop it without severing his arm in the process! Grab Genocide and Blavik and wait for me in the transporter room!

Scene 4 - Righteous is sitting in a fancy looking chair in a large building. Villager #1 walks in leading an ensemble of women.

Villager #1 - Here is an assortment of scantily-clad virgins, oh great one.

Righteous - Hm... They clash with the curtains. Give them a year’s pay and send them home to learn to read and write or whatever it is you people do at home all day normally.

The girls look at each other, shrug, and leave the room. Villager #2 enters.

Villager #2 - The sculptor is here to craft your monument, my lord.

Righteous - Neat. I should pick out a pose...

Villager #3 enters the room.

Villager #3 - My lord, the sacrifice is ready for your observation.

Righteous - Sacrifice?

Righteous runs outside and sees some villagers hoisting another villager up over a pit of flaming spikes.

Villager #1 - Since we killed one of your underlings, we must sacrifice one of ours in return.

Righteous - This isn’t necessary, the guy you killed was a nameless extra who nobody knew in the least.

Villager #2 - So’s this guy.

Righteous - So, no loss then. Okay, proceed if it will make you feel better.

They watch as the terrified villager is dropped into the pit and killed almost instantly. Almost. Just long enough to hurt a lot. Out of the blue, Senseless, Genocide, Tener, and Blavik enter the scene.

Righteous - Ensign, what’s with the wig?

Blavik - The ears, sir.

Righteous - Ah. And we don’t care that these people look more like Rigellians than humans yet we have three among us and they don’t care?

Blavik mutters something about not getting memos as she rips the wig off and throws it behind her.

Senseless - Captain, can we have a word?

Righteous - Certainly. Everyone go pray to the Prophets for a few minutes whilst I consult with my underlings.

The officers walk a few metres and stop.

Senseless - Sir, do I have to quote the Prime Directive to you?

Righteous - I told you last week and I’ll tell you now, I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS!!

Senseless - Starfleet policy forbids us to interfere with a planet’s natural development. Now, since we’ve already contaminated them, the best option would be for you to stand up there and say “Farewell my friends” and then we all beam away, giving them closure. Oh, and Admiral Nelix agrees.

Righteous - Nice to see you too. Now, Lieutenant Commander Genocide, I believe I said you weren’t allowed to visit planets after what happened the last time.

Genocide - Last time?

Righteous - Yeah didn’t you blow something up or something and I said you couldn’t go to planets anymore?

Genocide - ...What?! No! I’m just here because I haven’t gotten any screen time in yet this episode!

Senseless - So sir, figured out why the villagers worship you yet instead of burning you for being a witch?

Righteous - Yeah, has something to do with the Prophets, of course.

Tener - Here we go again...

Righteous - See, the Prophets sent me as this planet’s Emissary to them. I’m to lead them out of the darkness and into the light.

Tener - Thank you, and good night.

Genocide - Right. Well, let’s go.

Righteous - No, I’m serious! I’m not making this up this time! I have what you guys call actual evidence!

Senseless - Ensign Blavik?

Blavik scans Rightous with her tricorder.

Blavik - No intoxication or illegal drugs, well... none more than usual, sir.

Righteous - Here, I’ll show you.

Righteous leads the group back into the throne room place and picks up a big old book. He opens it and flips to a page.

Righteous - See, it says right here in ancient Bajoran that the Emissary to the Prophets will descend from his heavenly chariot in a blaze of light to lead the people out of the darkness and show them the love of the Prophets so that they might be saved from evil.

The other three officers look at the page.

Genocide - Well, I’ll be damned. I can’t read this, but I definitely recognize the writing as ancient Bajoran.

Blavik - How can you read this, sir?

Righteous - Duh, Vedek school?

Senseless - Alright, I guess we can’t leave then. What does it say about other people coming down?

Righteous - Well, it makes a pretty decent description of a zebra from Earth, along with some mention of 746 followers of the Emissary who live aboard the Celestial chariot.

Tener - I don’t believe this...

Righteous - Have a little faith, Lieutenant. Prophets! What’s not to like?

Senseless - Can the villagers read this?

Righteous - Not anymore, they now speak a more modern dialect of Bajoran. I’m sure because they’re the first species I’ve run into whose mouths move in time with the words I hear them saying. Cool, eh? I wonder why none of the other Star Trek series ever explored that plot hole?

Senseless - Blavik, discreetly scan some of the villagers and see if there’s a relationship between them and the Bajorans we know of. They certainly don’t look the same but there could be a genetic similarity. Get Doctor Puker down here to help you. Tener, get Bios down here and have her run this book through the computer, then see what you can learn about what this “Emissary” is supposed to do to “lead” these people. Genocide, do your best not to destroy anything while you’re down here. I’m going back to the ship to contact Admiral Nelix and let him know what we’ve discovered. Everyone got that?

Righteous - What about me?

Senseless - Sit tight and don’t do anything stupid.

Righteous - Um...

Senseless - Fine, just sit tight then.

Scene 5 - Senseless is talking with Admiral Nelix in the ready room. Nelix is rubbing his forehead with his front paw, obviously suffering from a headache.

Nelix - So let me get this straight: Somehow these people, who live practically on the other side of the Federation from Bajor, have a book written in ancient Bajoran and speak Bajoran as well? And they think your idiot CO is some kind of god??

Senseless - That’s the gist of it, sir.

Nelix - It’s sh*t like this that makes me question getting up in the morning. I’m going to erase the logs of this conversation and go back to bed. Good day!

Beep!

Senseless turns around and is about to sit down when his commbadge pipes up.

No-Name #2 - Sir, Lieutenant Bios wishes to speak with you at once in Computer Lab 1.

Senseless - (sigh) Alright.

He starts toward the door.

Senseless - Once more into the headache zone we go...

Scene 6 - Bios and several nameless blueshirts meet Senseless as he enters a cold room filled with lots of monitors, all showing different screensavers. A guy with a headset is sitting behind a monitor showing a bunch of scrolling green lines. Another guy stands behind him.

Neo - How can you understand this code?

Tank - This? This is just a screensaver. But don’t tell Morpheus. He thinks I actually do work around here.

Scene jumps to Bios and Senseless in mid-conversation.

Bios - Long story short, this text says the Captain has to perform some kind of miracle which will somehow save the inhabitants from destruction.

Senseless - Well, the last time we tried to save a planet using the Captain’s help, it ended up with thousands being killed by meteors.

Bios - True, but that wasn’t in some book, was it? Righteous has probably figured this out by now and is no doubt up to his ears in his own ego with regards to it.

Camera jumps to the planet. Sure enough, Righteous is having a grand old time being worshipped like a god. He is currently partaking in a feast when Senseless, Bios, and Blavik show up.

Righteous - Hi guys! Have some of the strange pig-like thing they’ve killed and cooked. It tastes just like you’d expect from a strange pig-like thing.

Senseless - We already ate. We’re here to tell you we think we’ve figured out what you’re supposed to do to save these people from salvation like they think you will.

Righteous, mouth filled with food, looks at them.

Righteous - I have to do what now?

Bios - You have to save these people from the beings who wish to destroy them.

Righteous - Pah-Wraiths?

Bios - No. Not exactly.

Righteous - What then?

Senseless - Oh, just that!

He points behind Righteous, but the captain doesn’t turn around until a dark shadow passes over him. He looks up to see an enormous dark oval shape covering the sun.

Righteous - Cool, I didn’t know this planet had a moon!

Blavik - It doesn’t. That’s a ship.

Righteous - Haha, nice try but no ship is that big while not cube shaped. I’m smarter than you guys give me credit for.

Senseless - No, it’s a ship, and just because we’re getting tired of the corniness, that ship has been spotted by the Federation before. It belongs to a small race of beings called the... well, we don’t really know what they call themselves, but they’ve left the Federation alone in the past.

Righteous - YOU CALL THAT A SMALL RACE!?!

Bios - That’s their only ship. They have nothing else except a few asteroid mining stations.

Righteous - Ah. So what’s it doing here?

Senseless - Funny story, we think this is their space...

Righteous - Well, they could have marked it better.

Bios - Yes, but it doesn’t matter. That thing could pulverize the Celestial in less than a minute and there’s no way we could even make a dent in them.

Righteous - How come we’ve never heard this race mentioned before?

Blavik - Do the Son’a ring a bell?

Righteous - No.

Blavik - Precisely.

Righteous - So what should I do?

Senseless - Just keep everyone calm. We’ll think of some way to get them out of here. We’re going back to the ship.

Righteous - Okay, I can do that.

The others leave him alone at the table. All the villagers are beginning to freak out.

Righteous - Okay, stay calm, stay calm... WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Righteous begins running around like a dog trying to chase its tail while screaming.

Scene 7 - On the bridge, Greaser is talking with an alien on the viewscreen when Senseless, Genocide, and Center enter from the turbolift.

Greaser - Ah, here’s my commanding officer.

Senseless whispers to her.

Senseless - What did you tell him?

Greaser - Nothing. We’ve been having a staring contest for the past three minutes. I was winning until you came in.

Senseless - Okay. (to viewscreen alien) I’m Commander Jack Senseless of the Federation starship Celestial. How can we be of service?

Generic Bad Guy #1 - Well, we were just passing through and noticed that you seem to have taken an interest in our quaint planet which shows no signs of life whatsoever. We were just curious.

Generic Bad Guy #1 quickly looks to his left, then to his right with just his eyes while dark music plays in the background and lightening strikes somewhere on the alien bridge. Camera goes once to each of the blinking faces of the Celestial crew.

Greaser - Is this guy for real, or is Admiral Nelix feeding us false sensor information again as a joke?

Generic Bad Guy #1 - Silence! We do not wish a war with the Federation at this time. You may go about your business, but do not move any deeper into our space... or else!

Lightening and thunder roll by as the viewscreen fizzles out.

Senseless - I think that went well. Who here thinks that went well?

A few freshman no-names raise their hands, see the senior staff isn’t doing anything and then quietly go back to work.

Scene 8 - On the alien bridge.

Generic Bad Guy #1 - What the hell is that ship here for? They’ve been scanning this planet for almost 17 Earth hours now. What could be so interesting about a bunch of plants?

Generic Bad Guy #2 - And why haven’t they transported anyone down to the surface yet?

Generic Bad Guy #3 (at a console) - And why did their total crew count suddenly increase by two shortly after we arrived?

Generic Bad Guy #1 - Really? Yes, that is a good question.

Generic Bad Guy #1 does the whole evil finger pyramid thing as the scene fades to black.

Scene 9 - Righteous is trying his worst to calm the villagers while Blavik and Puker pass out morphine injections.

Righteous - Everything is going to be okay, there’s no need to panic.

Villager #1 - IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD!

Righteous - Well, maybe, but it could also just be the world having a bad day. The point is we don’t know for sure so we just need to stay–

Priest - SILENCE!!! All of you! Listen to the Emissary!

Righteous - Hey, why haven’t I seen you before now?

Priest - It was not written in the sacred text for us to meet!

Puker - Neither were these morphine shots, but everyone seems to like them.

Priest - Come, Emissary, it is not safe here.

Righteous - It looks perfectly safe to me.

The Priest pulls out a notepad, flips to some pages, looks at a nearby sundial, and then up at the sky.

Priest - 4, 3, 2, 1,...

FOOM! An enormous energy weapon is fired at the planet from the big oval-shaped ship-thing. It impacts several hundred kilometres away but the explosion’s shockwave reaches as far as the village and knocks several trees over. A massive mushroom cloud begins to billow upward from the impact site. All the villagers start screaming even more and running for cover.

Righteous - Okay... so you were saying?

Priest - Follow me.

The four start running for the hills as several villagers follow.

Puker - Such a large planet and they choose to fire near where we are? Not a coincidence... I think they’re tracking our commbadges!

Blavik and Puker rip their commbadges off and throw them at the ground, then pull out their phasers and yell at the villagers who are about to run over the spot.

Blavik - Get back!

The two vapourize their commbadges and then continue running after Righteous.

Righteous - Hey, where are your talky pin things?

Another energy weapon hits the ground, on the other side of the village from the first, but much closer. The shockwave knocks most of the trees over as well as some wooden houses.

Blavik - We think they’ve detected us by them. It’s the only possible explanation for why they’ve chosen this location to fire upon.

Righteous - I’d better call the ship then and tell them to beam us up.

Puker - NO, SIR! A signal that strong and they’ll lock onto us and be able to take out this entire valley! Think of the children!!!

Righteous - Always the children. Fine. Here.

He tosses Puker his commbadge, who promptly destroys it.

Priest - In here.

He ushers them all into a cave. Hundreds of villagers begin to follow.

Priest - My lord, is there anything you can do at this point?

Righteous - Nah, we’ll just have to ride this one out until I can get in touch with my underlings. Which shouldn’t be too long from now. I hope. Well, they are lazy but maybe stuff like mushroom clouds will speed them up.

Puker - Sir, I’ve scanned this cave network. It should be deep enough underground that we’ll be protected, unless there’s a cave-in.

The last of the villagers runs into the cave.

Puker - Come on, we need to be deeper before they fire again. Third time’s the charm, as I always say.

The remaining people at the mouth of the cave begin running deeper into the cave.

FOOM! Everyone turns around just in time to see a blinding light.

Priest - Take cover!

Righteous - I HATE THIS JOB!!!

The mouth of the cave is hit by a big shockwave and everything goes dark.

Scene 9 - Bridge of the Celestial. It’s at red alert and everyone is at their stations, except Righteous, obviously. (Why do I even bother to mention that, then?)

Senseless - Anything?

Center - Still no response. I don’t think they’re listening.

Senseless - Open a channel. This is Commander Senseless of the Celestial. Cease your attack at once. We have people on the surface conducting scientific experiments. If you do not cease fire and stand down, we will consider it an act of aggression against us and will respond accordingly.

The screen changes to show Generic Bad Guy #1.

Generic Bad Guy #1 - Respond accordingly? What will you do? Throw rocks at us? You couldn’t possibly harm our ship. Now, this is our planet and we have decided to strip mine the whole thing. But first we must wipe out all indigenous plant life which might slow us down. Good day!

The screen goes back to the view of the oval ship.

Senseless - F**K! Commander Genocide, tactical analysis?

Genocide - They’re armed to the teeth but most of their more powerful weapons are slow to fire and easy to avoid. Their smaller ones are not a huge threat to us but continued exposure to small weapons fire from their hull will be deadly.

Senseless - I think that’s the first time you’ve ever given me a straight answer when I asked for a tactical analysis. Good work.

Genocide - Well, stuff like this interests me.

Senseless - Lieutenant Baque, think your piloting is good enough to avoid those big guns?

Baque - Yes. Admiral Nelix might say otherwise, but I’m cool.

Senseless - Good. All hands, battlestations. Mr. Baque, attack pattern Alpha. Mr. Genocide, target their weapons and fire at will. Bios, I don’t give a rat’s ass if using the “modify sensors” plot device only goes so far, find a way through that interference and get our people out, NOW!

Bios - Aye, aye, sir!

Camera watches as the USS Celestial speeds toward the ship firing all its phasers and torpedo launchers. It dodges left and right and up and down as those big yellow mushroom-cloud-making weapons shoot at it. Camera goes to the bridge.

Center - On the bright side, they’ve stopped firing at the planet now.

Camera watches as a yellow energy weapon just grazes the side of the ship. Camera goes to the bridge where the Master Systems Display console explodes, killing 4 no-names and showering the bridge with glass and flaming debris.

Baque - Yes, let’s always look on the bright side of life, damn it!

Scene 10 - In the cave, Righteous, Puker, Blavik, and the Priest wake up and shake the dust and rock off of them. Blavik pulls out her tricorder and scans the caved-in section.

Blavik - It will take hours to clear this away. On both sides. So, which way do we go, sir? Out or into the mountain?

Righteous, meanwhile, is more interested in a third pile of rock he’s found. He pulls a stone away from it and finds a hole behind it.

Righteous - I say we go this way.

Puker - Sir, that’s probably a dead end. Let’s go check on the other villagers.

Priest - No, let him go. It is written.

Puker - So is the weather, but we all know how often that’s right.

Righteous starts clearing away the rock until he can crawl through.

Righteous - Hey guys, there’s a tunnel back here!

Blavik - I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for why he is right almost as often as he is wrong.

Puker - One of the universe’s many mysteries. Let’s go.

They run down the tunnel and enter a large cavern with a big piece of machinery in it.

Priest - Okay, THIS wasn’t written.

Puker - What is it!?

Blavik - Some kind of high energy discharge device, I would say by these readings. If my calculations are correct, it’s generating enough electromagnetic interference to account for the inability to detect non-plant life on this planet.

Righteous - Cool. Now how does it work?

Blavik - I do not have enough information to tell you, sir.

Righteous - Of course.

Scene 11 - Camera is on the Celestial’s burning bridge as it gets the crap kicked out of it by the other ship’s conventional weaponry.

Genocide - Shields down to 21%! Main phaser bank is offline!

Center - We have hull breaches on decks 8 through 12 and emergency force fields are not responding!

Baque - The port nacelle has been ruptured and we’re venting plasma.

Greaser - We’ve got microfractures in the warp reaction chamber! If we don’t shut the core down it’ll breach!

Senseless - Damn it! Prepare to ram them!

Baque - Uh, uh, no way, I say we high tail it out of here and come back with a full task force!

Genocide - I agree, sir, we can’t even scratch them if we destroy ourselves.

Senseless - Alright, plot a course for the nearest starbase, maximum warp.

Bios - Wait! Something’s happening!

Senseless - Something’s always happening, Lieutenant. ENGAGE!

BOOM! The engineering console sparks as the ship shakes.

Greaser - Damn it! They took out our warp drive! Luckily I’ve had to fix it so many times I can now do it blindfolded, but it will take time.

Senseless - Get us out of their weapons range with impulse then!

Baque - Gladly.

Genocide - Spoilsport... I was having fun...

Scene 12 - Planet’s surface, in the hidden cavern. Blavik, Puker, and the Priest are looking around for a control panel since there is none to be seen. Righteous simply looks at the weapon.

Righteous - I swear I’ve seen this before, but I can’t put my finger on it.

Puker - Sir, a little help? Remember we’re trying to save a planet?

Righteous - I know, I know, but it’s been a long day, just give me a break.

As he puts his hand on a ledge to lean, the entire device lights up like the 1st of July. (Yeah that’s right, 1st! Not 4th!)

Righteous - I didn’t do it!

He pulls his hand off and the device shuts down.

Blavik - Fascinating.

Blavik puts her hand on the device and nothing happens. Puker and the Priest try with the same result.

Righteous - Ah oh, I hope I didn’t break it...

Blavik - Captain, please try that again.

Righteous puts his hand on the device and it lights up again.

Puker - Now just, hold it right there!

The humming of the device gets louder and louder. Light begins pulsing up and down its 5-story length.

Righteous - Uh, guys?

Priest - AHH!

Puker - We’ll just be, um, over here, sir, if you need us.

The three other people run back to the mouth of the tunnel.

Righteous - Guys! It’s starting to get a little warm here!

All of a sudden, the device shoots a huge plume of white lightning out of its top, up through the top of the mountain, and into the sky. The camera follows it as it plows into space and heads straight for the alien ship at light speed. On the alien bridge...

Generic Bad Guy #3 - SIR!

Generic Bad Guy #1 - What is it?

KA-BOOM! The lightening hits the ship and blows a gaping hole through it, causing it to promptly explode in a huge ball of antimatter fire. Camera goes to Righteous who quickly pulls his hand away from the device. Camera then goes to the Bridge of the Celestial.

Senseless and the other bridge crew have shielded their eyes from the glare on the viewscreen.

Senseless - Report!

Bios - Hey, don’t look at me!

Genocide - Did we do that?

Baque - Somehow I doubt it.

Center - The ship has been completely destroyed.

Greaser - I’m sure we all should be feeling bad about the annihilation of almost an entire species, but it’s not the first time it’s happened, so let’s just live with it.

Bios - Hey, I can detect life signs on the planet’s surface now! How cool is that?

Senseless - Baque, take us back to the planet.

Baque - Um, how about no? That weapon could still be active.

Genocide - Oh, we can only hope! I’d like to get a look at that baby!

Senseless - Just put us back in orbit...

Genocide - Just imagine the destructive power! Oh, I can almost taste the smoke and fire...

Scene 13 - Senseless, Genocide, Tener, and Bios beam down into the crater which used to be the village.

Senseless - Well, this doesn’t look good. I thought you said there were life signs here?

Bios - Yeah, a hundred metres that way.

They look toward the mountain’s base and see several villagers moving rocks away from the entrance to the cave network.

Senseless - Ah.

The four officers go up to the cave and push their way in. A short way into the tunnel they come across Righteous.

Senseless - Sir, is everyone alright?

Righteous - Oh just peachy. We found this really big gun–

Genocide - WHERE!?!! JUST POINT AND I’LL FIND IT!

Righteous - It’s back there. And the cool thing is only I can use it! Neat, right?

Genocide suddenly becomes much less enthusiastic.

Genocide - Well, that just ruined it for me.

He walks out and goes to help the villagers move rocks with Tener. Blavik, Puker, and the Priest come out of the other tunnel and join the group.

Blavik - The weapon seems to build up charge very slowly, over a period of a few thousand years. The resulting magnetic field produced the interference we observed.

Puker - Our guess is that it’s keyed to engage when Righteous’s DNA comes in contact with it.

Senseless - Who would do that?

Righteous - The Prophets, of course!

Priest - We now know the love of the Prophets. We have survived so that we may spread their word to everyone!

Bios - What have we done...

Senseless - There’s a village a few kilometres north of here your people can settle in. I’ll assume you know of it. We have to leave now.

Righteous - But why!? We still don’t know why the Prophets choose this backwater planet to install a huge weapon.

Senseless - And some questions are best left unanswered... Let’s go home. Senseless to Celestial.

No-Name #2 - Aye sir?

Senseless - Seven to beam up.

Scene 14 - In the Celestial Temple, Ben Sisko is watching the events unfold on the Prophet’s big screen high definition television. He turns to the other Prophets.

Sisko - HA! I told you he could save those people! You guys owe me an all-expense-paid trip to Risa! Score one for Starfleet!

One of the Prophets, represented by No-Name #1, flips the channel.

No-Name #1 Prophet - Here’s what he did last week.

The television shows as the Celestial creates a wormhole which accidentally cuts a moon in two.

Sisko - DAMN IT! PROPHETS DAMN IT!

No-Name #1 Prophet - Oh, we tried, we tried...

The End