Episode 27: “Side Effects Include Hallucinations”

Written by Swordtail

Published February 17, 2007

Author’s Note: Why did I stop censoring out the curse words? Because in today’s media-run society, it’s a complete waste of time! Everyone from the age of about 5 upwards knows what the words are, and bleeping them out won’t change anything. Don’t like it? Don’t read it!

Scene 1 - Admiral Nelix trots into Fleet Admiral Spot’s office onboard the Earth Spacedock. He jumps up onto her desk where she is currently writing a report on a laptop computer.

Nelix - Ma’am, we’ve got a problem.

Spot - So your memo said. What is it?

Nelix - Do you remember reading a report about a small rogue Breen faction being led by some deranged military commander?

Spot - Yeah, what about it?

Nelix - Well, apparently the combined forces of his entire fleet decided to pay Trill a visit. They intend to annihilate the entire planet.

Spot - What!?! We have to stop them! Divert all ships in the area to defend Trill.

Nelix - Uh, I did. The only ship within 30 lightyears was the USS Celestial.

Spot - It figures. Think they’ll go?

Nelix - Well Lieutenant-Commander Genocide is ecstatic about shooting something, Commander Senseless is just following orders, Righteous thinks the Breen are in league with the Pah-Wraiths, and Baque for some reason said he felt like flying in weird circles for a while. I think they had him on drugs.

Spot - Excellent. So, they’ll take care of it then?

Nelix - They’re outnumbered 5 to one.

Spot - I’ll tell every ship within 50 lightyears to get there at maximum warp.

Nelix - My thoughts exactly.

Scene 2 - Bridge of the Celestial. The entire thing is being blown to pieces and most of the bridge is on fire and covered with beams and debris. The ship is shaking as the bridge crew fights to keep themselves alive.

Genocide - Aft shield generator destroyed!

Center - Hull breaches on decks 7 through 20!

Greaser - Port nacelle has been destroyed!

Baque - We’re losing impulse engines!

Senseless - Continue firing on their lead ship!

Bios - Sensors are failing!

Righteous - Dear Prophets, please accept our souls in a few minutes when we finally buy the farm!

Genocide - FUCK! Aft torpedo launchers are destroyed!

Center - Hull breach on deck 3, Mess hall! They’re targeting the bridge!

Senseless - Beam us to the battle bridge!

Camera watches as a Breen ship destroys the Celestial’s bridge. Camera goes to the battle bridge where everyone materializes and takes their stations. It, too, is heavily damaged and on fire.

Baque - Again I ask, why are we here!

Greaser - At this point, we don’t have a choice! Warp drive is beyond repair! The warp core is fused!

Righteous - Is that a bad thing? I kind of stopped listening to the bad things since there are so many of them!!!

Senseless - Genocide! What’s the status of that lead ship?

Genocide - I’ve took down their forward shields, but the other ships are getting bolder.

Senseless - You’re authorized to use tricobalt torpedoes now.

Genocide - This close to a planet? Isn’t that against some stupid Starfleet regulation?

Senseless - No choice. Fire.

Camera watches as a Breen cruiser which got too close has a hole blown through it by a white glowing torpedo.

Genocide - YEAH! Take that, you bastards!

Camera watches as the largest Breen ship hits the Celestial’s port impulse engine.

Center - Oh, crap!

Camera watches as that same impulse engines promptly explodes and takes most of the port saucer section with it. Camera goes back to the battle bridge. Consoles explode and throw no-names around the room. The viewscreen shorts out and then cracks.

Greaser - JESUS CHRIST! WE JUST LOST DECKS 4 THROUGH 9 TO OPEN SPACE!

Center - Casualty reports are coming in. 300 dead, 240 wounded, sickbay has been destroyed, Doctor Puker and Ensign Blavik are setting up a triage in cargo bay 1 and 2.

Greaser - We’re about to lose main power!

Genocide - All shields are offline! All weapons are offline! We’re screwed! Men, women, I salute you!

Genocide puts his hand up in a salute and starts humming “Last Post,” when his console explodes and throws him unconscious against the back wall.

Righteous - I say if we go down, we take those sinners with us. Ramming speed, helm boy!

Baque - Alright, but I say if we have to die, can you at LEAST stop calling me helm boy for ONE! LAST! TIME!

Righteous - No. Ram the lead ship, helm boy!

Senseless - All hands, abandon ship. I repeat, abandon ship!

Bios - Sir, most of the crew are dead or injured and the comm system is offline.

Senseless - Well, then. Nice knowing you guys.

Baque - I’ll reserve that judgement until later.

Camera watches as the USS Celestial, missing one nacelle with the other one half blown apart, and missing a good third of its port forward section, and covered with holes and burn marks, turns and heads straight for the large Breen dreadnought which is still firing. Other Breen ships try to destroy the Celestial, but it keeps on plowing. A few kilometres from impact, something all plot-like and unexpected happens. The USS Saratoga, USS Drunk, and a nameless Miranda-class ship drop out of warp. Camera watches the battle bridge as the crew are beamed away. Camera goes out into space, seconds before the Celestial slams into the Breen lead ship and explodes, taking its target with it. The smaller Breen cruisers and destroyers quickly disperse. Camera goes to the sickbay of the Saratoga, where the senior staff were transported.

Senseless - Well. Who would have thunk it?

Righteous - Thank the Prophets! We’re saved!

Puker - Excellent. I can now get stuff done. See, Blavik accidentally said “triage” when I meant “morgue.”

Center - Who are we missing?

Senseless (pointing at people) - Bios, Genocide, Baque, Greaser, Puker, Blavik, Me, the Captain, you. Who else are we missing?

Tener walks in.

Tener - Gee, thanks guys... I really appreciate being woken up for that battle!

Righteous - Him! Want some porridge?

Tener - What?

The sickbay doors open and Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix walk in.

Nelix - Well, I’ll be a tiger’s uncle. They survived. Almost makes me happy.

Spot - Ignore him. You morons did good today. Better than I would have expected.

Senseless - What are you guys doing here?

Nelix - We’re not. We’re trying out some new long range holographic comm system. We’re actually in a holosuite on the Spacedock.

Bios - Sounds like the author forgot how far Trill was from Earth, but we’ll buy it.

Nelix - I’m supposed to express my thanks from the Trill government to you guys. You really pulled through this time. Hell, if I didn’t know better I’d say you all acted competent this time.

Righteous - Yay! So, when will our ship get fixed?

Spot - Ah, there’s the Righteous we all know and hate...

Nelix - Captain, your ship was destroyed, in case you didn’t realize.

Righteous - Bummer. So, when do we get a new one?

Genocide - Uh uh, not if it’s the USS Halfass again. I hated that ship, and I always will... unless Starfleet decides to arm it to the teeth.

Nelix - Don’t worry, we’ll get you a ship that won’t break every time you jump to warp. Now, you’re all coming back to Earth for a full debriefing and probably some shore leave. Ah, who am I kidding... just get back here for a debriefing.

Spot and Nelix vanish from the room.

Righteous - Ooh, I hope we get a pretty ship!

Baque - I hope we get a new captain...

Opening credits. Ah, for God’s sake why do I do this? It’s just a waste of 3 or 4 lines of text! Sheesh. I can’t even remember why I started doing this in the first place, but I can’t think of a good reason now. Oh well.

Scene 3 - Commander Senseless is sitting in a room under the glare of a dozen admirals all writing things down on PADDs. Spot and Nelix are among them simply because they’re the only admirals who have names and the production staff were too cheap to hire more than a few talking extras.

Spot - Now, in your own opinion, could you have saved Trill and the Celestial in an ideal situation?

Senseless - I don’t see how. The Trill government are a bunch of morons and spent hours having a meeting to decide whether to launch their homeworld defence fleet, only to break for a 5-hour lunch just about the time we ran into the Breen. Of course, our ship is heavily underfunded or under-resourced or whatever the Federation is supposed to give to ships so I think we held out quite well under the fire of a Breen dreadnought and 2 cruisers and 2 destroyers.

Nameless Admiral #1 - Commander, in your professional opinion, is Captain Righteous Lee a complete and utter moron who is unfit for duty?

Senseless - Yes.

Nameless Admiral #2 - Well, you’re obviously biased since you work with him all the time, so we’ll just leave him in command for the time being.

Senseless - Of course, sir.

Nelix - Alright I think we’re done for now. Go wait in the lobby; they’re serving cookies and juice.

Senseless gets up and leaves the room. Righteous enters and sits in Senseless’s previous chair.

Spot - Captain Righteous Lee, you were in command of the USS Celestial NCC-80164 when it was destroyed, were you not?

Righteous - Sure, I guess so.

Nelix - And in your professional opinion, under ideal conditions, could your ship have been saved?

Righteous - Yeah, if the Prophets hadn’t been busy saving the rest of the universe I’m sure they would have helped us out.

The admirals look at each other.

Nameless Admiral #1 - Captain, in your professional opinion, are you a complete and utter moron who is unfit for duty?

Righteous - Yep. Crazy, ain’t it? So, now, the ship? When do I get it back?

The admirals look at each other again.

Spot - Sometimes I ask myself, why? Why did I give up a carefree life batting fake mice and scratching up the curtains for this...?

Righteous - Can I go now?

All the admirals - Yes, get out!

Nelix - There’s cookies and juice in the lobby.

Righteous gets up and leaves the room.

Spot - Why... why!?

Scene 4 - Somewhere on Earth, the Celestial’s senior staff minus Righteous are eating at a restaurant.

Tener - I swear you guys would have forgotten to beam me off the ship if it had been left up to you. I don’t see how you can forget about your security chief that easily! Genocide, did you ever have this problem?

Genocide - I did less security work as chief than I do now. Type II phasers verses Type IX or XII or whatever. Which ones would you pick?

Puker - I’d still like to know why Trill didn’t have a better defence force. I say next time we just let the enemy through. Less paperwork.

Blavik - Half the crew was killed when that impulse engine blew. You’d think those things would be a little safer.

Center - Meh.

Baque - The one constant in this universe is bureaucracy. We’ll get a freighter. A crappy freighter. One with a top speed of warp 2 and only lasers as armaments. You’ll see...

Bios - I really couldn’t care less at this point. If Starfleet sticks us on the Halfass again, I’m quitting.

Senseless - Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll at least fix it up first.

Righteous walks in.

Righteous - Ooh, food. Sorry guys, no time to eat, we have a ship to man.

Baque - This ought to be good. Waiter, cheque please.

So, later, the crew are aboard a shuttle heading up to the spacedock. As they pass through the doors, they all look out the window at a ship which lays before them.

Bios - What the recycling bin is that thing?

Tener - Looks like a Prometheus rip-off.

Rightoeus -That, my underlings, is our new ship. The USS Celestial-A. Ares Class. (Look it up)

Genocide - Starfleet granted our ship a letter???

Righteous - Well, I pushed for it, and Admiral Spot agreed on the bounds that it’s the only one we get.

Puker - Ah, it figures.

Senseless - Don’t worry. That’s what HQ said to Kirk too.

The shuttle moves around ths ship.

Genocide - This is stupid. Where’s the ablative hull armour?

Greaser - Oh, it’s there, just less of it than on the old ship. What I want to know is why the warp nacelles are directly connected to the ship instead of being attached to pylons. And why are they on their sides?

Center - You guys complain too much. I’m just happy we got a nice ship.

Genocide - Bullshit. Mark my words, we’ll regret stepping onboard that ship.

The shuttle flies around back and parks in one of the two shuttlebays. They file out and are met by Admiral Nelix.

Nelix - Ah, you found the place. I was beginning to think you’d somehow gotten lost.

Righteous - Here to give us a tour, sir?

Nelix - What am I, an ensign? Figure out shit on your own. All systems are operational and the rest of your new crew will be arriving shortly. Now, the turbolift is down that way, so have fun.

Admiral Nelix walks over to a shuttle parked in the other bay, climbs aboard, and takes off through the forcefield.

Senseless - Shall we?

The crew walk down the corridor. Everywhere no-names are running around carrying duffle bags and pillows and chatting noisily.

No-Name #1 - 800 crew! Wow, the chances of any one of us being killed are now much slimmer! I love this ship--!

Bzzzzzzt! Baque lowers his phaser when the rest of the senior staff look at him.

Baque - Sorry, I just couldn’t let it slide.

Genocide, meanwhile, is looking around at the brightly lit corridors and calm colour scheme of the paint job.

Genocide - I wanted a warship and they give us something that looks like the Enterprise-D was shoved inside it. I have a feeling I’ll be bored here...

They find their way to the bridge, which looks a lot like the Prometheus’ bridge from that Voyager episode. Everyone goes to their consoles; camera follows Genocide.

Genocide - Alright, let’s inspect the damage...

He looks down at his console and his eyes go wide as Galaxy-class saucers. He looks up again and a smile crosses his face.

Genocide - Dear diary... Jackpot!

Scene 5 - Meanwhile, confusingly enough, camera is watching Lieutenant Tener as he crawls through the wreckage of what is clearly the USS Celestial with no letter attached to its name. The lights are off, the red-alert lights are flickering, the carpet is burnt to a crisp, dead crewmen lie everywhere, ceiling tiles litter the floor, you name it, it’s happening. Tener stops at a groaning no-name and checks his pulse.

Tener - Well, ethically I shouldn’t let you suffer.

He pulls out his phaser and kills the dying no-name.

Just then, several yellow and blue shirt no-names come walking around the corner and encounter Tener. One of them yells back at some others.

No-Name #2 - WE’VE FOUND SOMEONE!

Tener - Who are you guys?

No-Name #2 - We’re a rescue team from the Saratoga. Are you injured?

Tener - Nothing a little scene change won’t fix. What happened?

No-Name #3 - From what we were told you were a half second away from crashing into a Breen dreadnought when they transported away your bridge crew and medical team and jumped to warp just in time. The other Breen ships continued firing until the Saratoga destroyed them, but not before your auxiliary power systems were knocked offline.

Tener - Am I that forgettable that not even the enemy remembers to kidnap me?

No-Name #2 - What’s your name again, sir?

Tener - Just for that, I won’t warn you about the subtle power buildup in that plasma conduit over there which is about to blow.

No-Name #2 - Huh?

Bam! The plasma conduit blows open and a shard of metal goes through the side of No-Name #2’s head.

Tener - Ah yes... that made me feel better.

No-Name #3 - Sir, we’ve got orders to take anyone we find back to the Saratoga. Your ship is beyond repair. But don’t worry, that’s also what they said the day it was launched from the shipyard and, well, here we are.

Tener - Alright, let’s go.

Tener and No-Name #3 are transported onto the Saratoga. Commander Shelby meets them in the transporter room.

Shelby - Lieutenant Tener, welcome aboard the Saratoga. I’m only sorry it’s not under better circumstances.

Tener - Don’t be. I’ll probably get a tonne of shore leave for this! So, the Breen took everyone?

They go into the corridor and walk briskly toward the nearest turbolift.

Shelby - As far as we can tell, your entire senior staff, minus yourself.

Tener - Any idea where they went?

Shelby - Not really. They did a good job covering their warp trail and those other ships did a good job knocking out our sensors. We sent the USS Drunk and the USS Fukov after them, but neither is fast enough to catch up.

Shelby and Tener walk onto the bridge. Captain Farfetched stands up to greet them.

Farfetched - Well hello there, jackass.

Tener - Nice to see you too, sir.

Farfetched - Your incompetent crewmates were beamed aboard the Breen ship just seconds before it warped away. Any good idea why it would want to capture them?

Tener - I don’t even know how the Breen knew who to take, and why they forgot about me is kind of annoying to say the least.

Lieutenant Commander Garsh (tactical Andorian guy) - All systems are back online sir. We’re ready to give chase on your order.

Farfetched - Make it such.

The Saratoga jumps to warp.

Tener - So what’s you guy’s theory on why the Breen kidnapped the crew of the Celestial?

Shelby - Probably to get command codes and weaknesses of ships from them.

Tener - And any ideas on just how did they know who to take?

Shelby - We’re still working on that part. That’s why we asked you!

Tener - Well, I’m sure they’re working on an escape plan even as we speak.

Scene 6 - In the apparently simulated briefing room on the apparently-simulated Celestial-A, the crew are chatting about their new not-so-apparently simulated ship.

Genocide - I never want to leave here! Have you seen the armaments of this thing? Apparently it can fire the phasers in wide beam and use them to locate cloaked ships before pummeling them with narrow beams and torpedoes!

Greaser - Dual warp cores! This thing has a cruising speed of warp 8!

Baque - She handles like a ship should!

Righteous - Prophets!

Puker - Three sickbays! Full sickbays! With medical staff, the works!

Center - My console looks cool!

Senseless - I can’t believe Admiral Spot gave us this ship!

Apparently Fake Tener - Well, we did save Trill.

Senseless - Yeah, I guess you’re right.

Blavik - This vessel is a prototype, so naturally we’d be the first to be used to test it out.

Bios - The operating system hasn’t crashed on me once yet! I love it!

Righteous - Prophets!

Baque is spinning in this chair.

Baque - These chairs kick ass. Hey, doesn’t this all seem a little too convenient?

Everyone stops what they’re doing.

Pause...

Everyone but Righteous - NAH!

Righteous - Thank the Prophets!

Scene 7 - Some time later, the Saratoga catches up with the Breen dreadnought.

Farfetched - Red alert, target their weapons.

Garsh - Weapons targeted.

Farfetched - Fire!

Camear watches as the Saratoga fires torpedoes at the dreadnought, which promptly drops out of warp. The Saratoga follows.

Lieutenant Scratcher - WE HAVE DAMAGED THEIR WARP ENGINES, SIR! THEY ARE COMING ABOUT AND TARGETING US, SIR!

Farfetched - Evasive manoeuvres! Take out their weapons! Now!

No-Name Helm Girl - Anyone remember that we established in the pilot episode the Breen had developed a new energy dampener weapon that we didn’t say anywhere we had produced a defence to?

Farfetched - I pay you to fly the ship, not to point out blatantly obvious plot holes, jackass!

No-Name Helm Girl - Aye, aye... (muttering) Stupid son of a bitch..

Shelby - What was that, Ensign?

Helm Girl - Adjusting roll and pitch, ma’am.

Tener - So, I guess it goes to show every crew has a hard time getting along.

Farfetched - You think? The life of Picard’s and Kirk’s and Sisko’s and Janeway’s “families” are so completely ridiculous, it’s not funny.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Scratcher - SHIELDS DOWN TO 65%, SIR!

Farfetched - Where are the USS Fukov and Drunk?

Camera goes to look at a Miranda-class and a Defiant-class ship floating in front of a large alien space station which obviously has a few dozen guns pointed at each ship. Camera goes to the bridge of the USS Drunk.

No-Name #4 (looking at an upside down map) - Damn it, I knew we should have turned left at that pulsar!

Scene 8 - On the “bridge” of the “USS Celestial-A” the crew (Righteous, Senseless, Genocide, Baque, Center, Tener, Bios, some No-Names for filler) are sitting around doing nothing in particular when all of a sudden the ship starts to shake.

Senseless - What the hell?

Baque glances as his console.

Baque - I got nothing.

Something changes quickly and starts beeping.

Baque - Wait, wait, there’s something wrong with the inertial dampeners.

Senseless - Bridge to engineering, what’s up with the inertial dampeners?

Greaser - The whats? They’re fine, why?

Senseless - Well, the bridge was shaking, didn’t you feel anything?

Greaser - I’m busy taking in how cool my engineering room is. I’ll get back to you on the shaking bridge problem later.

Senseless - But– Damn it!

Righteous - Well, only one thing to do now.

Genocide - Blow something up for the hell of it?

Righteous - Exactly. Target the spacedock’s power core and fire.

Genocide’s jaw drops.

Genocide - Wait... what?

Righteous - You heard me, lock all weapons on the Spacedock’s power core and destroy it.

Genocide - Captain, that would destroy our ship as well!

Senseless - Are you out of your mind, sir? There’s thousands of people on the spacedock!

Righteous - No, there isn’t. Destroy the spacedock, that’s an order.

Senseless - Belay that order, Lieutenant!

Everyone on the bridge turns to look at the fight.

Senseless - Lieutenant Tener, I am relieving Captain Righteous of command. Please escort him to the brig.

Righteous - Genocide, kill Lieutenant Tener and then destroy the spacedock! Now!

Fake Tener approaches Righteous and draws his phaser. Genocide looks from Senseless to Righteous and back again, then draws his own phaser and sets it to kill.

Genocide - Sorry, Commander.

He fires at Fake Tener, who vapourizes in a cloud of... whatever people vapour is made of.

Senseless - GENOCIDE!!!!!

Genocide hits some buttons on his console and the Celestial-A’s weapons fire at the base of the empty space within the spacedock. Explosions ripple through it and everything is suddenly destroyed... except, inexplicably, the Celestial-A.

Righteous - Wow, Lieutenant-Commander, for a second I didn’t think you’d listen to me. I’m touched.

Genocide - Don’t be. I just wanted an excuse to use this baby’s weapons. Why did you get me to kill Tener, though?

Greaser, Puker, and Blavik enter the bridge.

Puker - What’s going on? I just looked out a window and saw a really big explosion that should have killed us!

Greaser - Yeah, and why did Engineering shake for no reason a minute ago?

Blavik - And where is Lieutenant Tener?

Everyone looks at Righteous.

Righteous - Well, it all started on the Saratoga. I figured something was up when Admiral Nelix and Admiral Spot were being nice to us. Then, when they gave us this cool ship, I again suspected something was up. When the room shook without an explanation, I knew the truth. We are not onboard the USS Celestial-A. This also isn’t the Celestial Temple for those of you that were getting your hopes up. We are being held against our will somewhere, possibly by the Breen that we were attacking.

Everyone stares at him with their mouths hanging open.

Bios - But... why Tener?

Righteous - Simple. We were all beamed to the Saratoga’s sickbay. Tener came in a few moments later, after we did a mock head count. Obviously, whoever captured us didn’t even think there might be another one until we started talking. When they clued in, it was probably too late to go back and get the real Tener, so they just created a fake to fool us.

Center - So... Tener is...?

Rigtheous - Obviously alive, since this ship still exists, and the Celestial wasn’t destroyed, or we wouldn’t be here. The smaller Breen ships aren’t equipped to capture us like this. The dreadnought must have somehow gotten out of the way in the nick of time.

Puker - Wait, the Righteous we know isn’t that smart. How do we know you’re the real deal?

Righteous - Just ask the Prophets, they’ll sort everything out for ya!

Everyone - It’s Righteous.

Senseless - And you figured all that out on your own?

Righteous - Yeah, I guess so. Cool, eh?

Center - That’s...

Voice - ...Amazing, to say the least.

Everyone turns around as the room fizzles out and is replaced by a strange holodeck. The crew’s phasers disappear and they find themselves surrounded by armed Breen guards. They look toward the voice and see a fluffy cat pawing a remote of some sort.

Genocide - Wait, aren’t you...?

Chester - Yes, it is I, Chester, once ruler of the Orion Syndicate and your arch-enemy, but then you had to screw everything up!

Bios - How does a cat escape from the Federation’s Maximum Security Prison?

Baque - Ooh...

Bios - What?

Baque - Remember a few months ago when we broke Genocide out of that “Maximum Security Prison”?

Bios - Oh, right, we blew the whole wall off, didn’t we?

Chester - Yes you did, and thanks to you, I escaped. However, I’m not willing to forgive you for that, seeing as it was you who put me in there in the first place.

Senseless - Why did you kidnap us?

Chester - Why, to learn everything you know and then use it against Starfleet! Duh!

Righteous - Well, your little plan failed because I’m smarter than you! Ha ha!

Chester - Who was it who remembered Mr. James Tener first? Who? The person who took him hostage once, or the people who live with him??

Righteous - Sure, rub it in...

Boom, ship rocks.

Genocide - Troubles?

Chester - Nothing to worry about. Now, since you rejected the easy way, we’ll have to do this the hard way: Bring in the Romulan Mind Reader Thingies!

Two Breen leave the room and come back in with various trolleys covered in wires and electronic devices.

Chester - Unfortunately, I couldn’t get top of the line ones, but these should do. I got them from Value Village. Now, who’s first?

Righteous - Ooh, pick me!

Chester - Yeah, right, like after what happened the last time you were hooked up to one of these things?

Baque - You were there?

Chester - I don’t honestly remember. Now, how bout the Commander?

Senseless - Uh, um, LOOK! A DISTRACTION!

Chester - Haha! That only works so many times before we clue–

Little does he know the Breen guards fell for it and are all currently facing the wrong way. Greaser runs up and grabs Chester by the scruff of the neck and puts her other hand around his throat. The Breen turn back around at the sound of hissing feline.

Breen - AHAJKDSHFHASJKJSEHKSERAWKH$@*WQWKH#%* KH#$%!!!!

Greaser - Nobody move! On some planets they eat animals like this! I could make a fortune!

The Breen stop their advance.

Senseless - We want a shuttle, and we want it now!

The Breen just look at each other.

Greaser - All right, here goes–

BOOM! Ship rocks, sparks, the room shakes and everyone loses their footing and falls to the ground. Genocide, who was nearest a Breen soldier, grabs the guard’s weapon and starts firing around the room.

Genoicde - Take this, you bloodless bastards! This is for getting my hopes up and then crushing them!

The Breen no-names frantically fumble around trying to stay alive. Finally, the last one dies and Genocide shoots the door.

Genocide - Let’s go!

Everyone grabs a disruptor rifle and follows him out into the corridor.

Chester - HISS! Put me down!

Greaser puts her weapon to his head.

Chester (quietly) - Not like that...

Greaser - Then SHUT UP!

The officers race through the exploding hallways. Breen soldiers fall before them simply because they suck at shooting and make Stormtroopers look like crack shots. Finally, they come to a small control room.

Senseless - Bios, get to work on figuring out who’s attacking this ship. If they’re friendly, we need to lower the shields so they can beam us out.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Bios - I’m detecting a Galaxy-class ship and a Prometheus-class ship in multi-vector assault mode. This ship doesn’t have any escorts and frankly doesn’t stand a chance.

Genocide - Can you lower the shields?

Bios - Hang on. I’m accessing the shield controls...

BANG! The console she was at sparks and explodes nearly catching her in the face.

Bios - Whoops. Wrong button.

All of a sudden Puker, Righteous, and Blavik are transported away in a Federation transporter beam. Chester takes advantage of the distraction and bites Greaser on the hand.

Greaser - OW!!! FRAK!

She drops the cat who quickly hops away. Greaser tries to shoot him but misses and is beamed away before she can line up another shot. Camera goes into space and watches as the Saratoga and some un-named Prometheus ship(s?) finish destroying the Breen dreadnought. Just before it explodes, a small ship exits a docking bay and jumps to warp... There’s no point saying that obviously Chester was onboard.

Scene 9 - In the Saratoga’s transporter room, the Celestial’s senior staff get down off the transporter pad and are met by Commander Shelby and Lieutenant Tener.

Tener - So... why did the enemy forget about me?

Righteous - Because I’m smarter than him, apparently!

Tener - Oh... so how did they get you all in the first place then? Transporters are complex pieces of technology, as I recall.

Senseless - Hello Commander, I’m afraid we have bad news.

Shelby - Worse than you were just held prisoner by the Breen and have probably given them valuable intelligence information regarding Starfleet systems so that they could build an even more annoying weapon to piss us off?

Senseless - ...Well, maybe. Chester the cat is at large again.

Righteous - A fluffy kitty cat! What harm could he possibly do?

Everyone slowly turns to stare at Righteous.

Genocide - Sir, do you remember anything from Season One?

Righteous - If I say yes, will you drop the subject?

Greaser - That damn animal bit me!

Puker - I’d better take a look at that in case you’ve contracted rabies or something similar. Nurse, prep for brain surgery.

Greaser - What?

Puker - In case you’ve been infected with Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy. It attacks the brain.

Greaser - I’ll take my chances, if you don’t mind.

Puker - Good. Less work for me.

Suddenly, Admiral Spot appears in the room in a fizzle of holographic goodness.

Spot - About time those morons on the Saratoga got you morons back. What’s the deal?

Bios - I thought that long range holo-communicator thing was just an illusion made by our captors?

Spot - Yes, but it’s very convenient in furthering the plot, don’t you think?

Senseless - Chester is working with the rogue Breen factions now.

Spot - ...Greeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaattttttt... I suppose this would have something to do with you breaking him out of prison?

Righteous - Accidentally, of course.

Spot - Right. Of course.

Righteous - So is our ship non-exploded?

Spot - That’s a matter of opinion. However, you’ll have to make do, seeing as I’m in a really pissy mood and don’t feel like letting you get it fixed by Starfleet. Good day! God, the paper work this Chester character brings with him... GAH!

Bzzzt! Spot disappears.

Senseless - Alright, well you heard the angry Admiral. Greaser, as soon as we get back to the ship, I want you to start repairing it.

Greaser - God damn it, half my engineering team is dead!

Tener - Oh, actually it’s more like three quarters. Sorry, but you’ll have to do four times the work in order to get everything up and running.

Greaser - Damn it! God damn it!!

The End