Episode 36: “FUBARed”

Written by Swordtail

Published June 23, 2007

Scene 1 - Camera pans into a solar system and goes to one of the planets, a blue-green ball of land and water.

Genocide - Second Officer’s log, stardate 436115.5. Captain Righteous and Commander Senseless went to Starbase 342 with the USS Saratoga to be debriefed by Starfleet Command about our trip to the future. In the meantime, Lieutenant-Commander Garell has finally convinced me that the ship needs to be repaired and the quickest way to do that is to set down on a planet to eliminate the need for bulky environmental suits.

Camera flies through the clouds and spies the USS Celestial parked in a valley, standing on its eight landing struts. In case you’re wondering, four come out of the stardrive, and four are normally folded up on the underside of the command section. Yes, I know that totally blows Episode 3’s credibility, but oh well. Camera zooms in and sees Lieutenant Baque and Lieutenant-Commander Garell standing in the little indentation on the top of the primary hull that houses the secondary deflector. Garell is using a PADD and Baque is scanning with a tricorder.

Garell - Okay, that should just about do it. I’m going to test the alignment protocols.

She presses a button and...

FOOMP! The massive deflector dish moves outward about a half metre really quickly and creates an air compression that sends both officers flying backwards, nearly throwing them off of the hull.

Baque - Ow! What the hell was that?!?

Garell - Oh, I didn’t think about that. I guess with an atmosphere you have to be careful with it.

Baque - It moves in and out?

Garell - Yeah, it’s magnetically controlled. It’s used to align the deflector beam emitters, but I guess it also makes a good air-bazooka. Anyway, I’m done here.

She gives Baque the PADD and walks over to a hatch. Once she’s out of sight, Baque grabs hold of a hand hold on the hull and presses two buttons in rapid succession, which causes the dish to quickly move in and then out. Baque stands back up and raises an eyebrow, thinks for a moment, and then lets a smile cross his face.

Camera is watching a serene forest as the credits roll. Then, out of nowhere, “Pump It” by Black Eyed Peas starts playing, really, really, really loud. On that third vocal note, right as the bass takes off, all the large trees explode into splinters, and the small trees get blown nearly to the ground, and then just sort of oscillate with the music. Birds and other wildlife go flying, and not under their own power. Boulders starts falling from the mountains and even the clouds begin to dissipate. Camera pans over to see the Celestial rocking on its landing gear, the main and secondary deflectors moving in and out rapidly, acting as giant speakers. Camera goes to watch Baque who is grinning ear to ear and standing a good kilometre away, holding the controlling PADD.

Baque - ...Brilliant...

Scene 2 - With the corridor vibrating around him, Lieutenant-Commander Genocide runs past, trying to figure out what’s going on. He nearly runs into Garell.

Genocide - What’s happening!? Are we under attack?!?

Garell - No... I mistakenly told Toc that the deflector dishes could be used as speakers. He’s pretty much leveled the entire forest.

Genocide - Is the deflector in any danger?

Garell - Not unless he turns the volume up to maximum.

Genocide - This isn’t maximum!?!

Garell - All I can say is, thank the gods that Starfleet sound-proofed the ship.

Genocide - Computer, locate Lieutenant Baque.

Computer - Lieutenant Baque is not aboard the ship. He transported to a location approximately one kilometre south of this location.

Genocide - Transport me there.

Bzzzzzzt! Genocide materializes next to Baque.

Genocide - Lieutenant! Turn that off!!!

Baque - What!?!

Genocide - Turn! That! Off!

Baque - What!?!

Baque presses the “Pause” button on his modified PADD and the music stops.

Genocide - I said turn that off!

Baque - Ow! Not so loud!

Genocide - Sorry, my ears are still ringing. What the hell were you thinking!?!

Baque - I’ve turned the Celestial into the Federation’s largest sound system!

Genocide - Do you have any idea how stupid that was!?!

Baque - You’re just mad because you didn’t think of it first.

Genocide - ...Okay yeah, it’s brilliant... but still.... Pick a better song! And turn down the volume! You’ve clear-cut the entire valley.

Baque presses some buttons and “Session” by Linkin Park (theme song) starts playing at a much lower volume.

Baque - So... when does the Commander get back?

Genocide - Any minute. Think he’d be mad if we kept using the ship for this?

Baque - Nah, I doubt it. We get away with murder on this ship... literally.

Scene 3 - A runabout flies through space at warp speed. Camera goes into the cabin where Ensign Blavik is piloting the ship, and Senseless and Righteous are sitting in other chairs.

Righteous - So the Vedek says, “I’ll have a bottle of spring wine,” and the Kai says “OK, but It wasn’t made in spring.”

Blank stares.

Righteous - Ah, you guys suck.

Blavik - We’re approaching the rendezvous coordinates.

Senseless - Take us out of warp and bring us into the atmosphere.

Blavik - Aye sir... wait a minute...

Righteous - The ship isn’t there?

Blavik - No, not that... there’s a variance in the warp field.

Senseless - It could be because we’re so close to a gravity well.

Blavik - Dropping to impulse.

The sound of de-warping fills the cabin.

Blavik - The variance is still there, but now it’s in our deflector field.

Righteous - Meh, just ignore it and it’ll go away, like cancer.

Blavik - We’re approaching the Celestial.

Through the window, the clouds part and the back of the ship comes into view. It’s shaking slightly.

Senseless - What the hell have they done now!?!?

Faintly, some random heavy metal song can be heard.

Righteous - Ooh, they made a big boom-box!

Senseless simply rubs his head.

Senseless - Every time I leave...

The runabout slowly flies into the shuttlebay and stops.

Blavik - Powering down.

Senseless - What about that variance?

Blavik - Whatever it was, it’s gone now.

The hatch opens and the three officers exit. Lieutenant Tener walks by and stops when he sees them.

Tener - Ah, you’re back.

Senseless - Why is the floor vibrating?

Tener - Lieutenant Baque got bored.

Righteous - I should promote that man. Why haven’t I promoted anyone in over a year?

Blavik - I’m still an ensign, sir.

Righteous - I know that, naive Vulcan underling.

Blavik - So...?

Righteous - So what?

Blavik - I’ve been an ensign for nearly 5 years, hold a medical degree, a science degree, and can now pilot a starship. Don’t you think maybe... I don’t know... promotion is in order?

Senseless - She has a point, sir.

Righteous - Well, I’ll look into it. And by look into it, I mean I’ll completely forget about it and never speak of it again.

Tener - Yet another dream crushed by stupidity.

Blavik - Vulcans don’t have hopes and dreams, sir... thankfully.

Senseless - Let’s just get to the bridge.

Scene 4 - Bridge. Genocide is tapping away on his tactical console and Ensign Center is pulling wires out of the back of his station. Bios walks in.

Bios - Hey, I just fixed that stuff, what are you doing!?

Center - It shorted out when I turned on my console.

Bios - Damn it, I spent nearly six hours fixing it. I checked, rechecked, ran diagnostics, and even poked it with sharp pointy metal objects to see if I got electrocuted! It should work!

Center - Well it doesn’t, ma’am.

Bios - Damn it!

Senseless and Righteous walk in.

Senseless - Secure all hatches and stand by engines.

Baque - We’re leaving? So soon?

Righteous - Yep. Fleet Admiral Spot wants us to patrol the Bajoran sector, particularly near the Celestial Temple.

Baque - Oh perfect, so we’re looking at a three-day journey.

Senseless - Activate the antigravity thrusters.

Baque - Do we have to?

Senseless - Yes.

Baque - Fine... antigravity thrusters online. Altitude increasing.

Center - Retracting landing gear.

On the viewscreen, the flattened valley gets smaller and smaller until the screen is showing space.

Baque - Laying in a course for the Bajoran system.

Righteous - Warp 7. Engage.

Baque - Engaging... wait a minute... there’s a variance in the—

BOOM! The ship lurches around violently and all power on the bridge goes out, leaving it in pitch black. A second later, the red alert lights come on and illuminate the wreckage on the bridge. Everyone who was thrown to the floor gets back up and goes over to their chairs.

Righteous - What in the name of the Prophets happened?

Senseless - Ensign?

Center - I don’t know, my console won’t work.

Bios - Mine either.

Baque - Nothing works here.

Genocide - All tactical systems aren’t responding.

Senseless - Bridge to engineering.

Nothing.

Senseless - Lieutenant-Commander Garell, respond.

Center - It looks like the comm system is offline.

Baque - No, I bet it’s just playing a practical joke on us... (mutters) moron...

Senseless - Alright, Genocide, come with me. Lieutenant Baque, Lieutenant Bios, find a way to reactivate the comm system. We’ll be in Engineering.

Senseless and Genocide enter the turbolift and the door closes... no one remembers that the power is supposed to be out... but then they remember.

Senseless - Why did that door close?

Genocide - That’s a good question. A better question: Why is this keypad lit?

He starts fiddling with it and pushing buttons.

Genocide - It looks like the entire turbolift system is offline except for the route between decks 1 and 2.

Senseless - Then by all means, take us to deck 2.

The turbolift barely has time to start up before it stops again. The door opens and the two officers let their jaws drop, for before them is clearly a Borg corridor. Several drones are in their alcoves.

Senseless - Well... this explains a lot. But why didn’t they transmit their usual “we are the Borg” greeting before they started assimilating us?

Genocide - Uh, sir? This didn’t happen in the last hour. It looks like it’s been this way for months.

They walk along the corridor, and the drones seem to ignore them. As they pass a junction, they look over and see what can only be described as the inside of a Borg cube.

Senseless - My god... we’re not on the Celestial anymore, are we?

Genocide looks around and sees something that makes him tap the Commander on the shoulder.

Senseless - What?

He looks over and sees a Federation wall panel nearly hidden behind tubes and conduits.

Senseless - That leads to Jefferies tube 2A! We’re definitely on the Celestial.

Genocide - Well, it looks like it’s a Borg cube now.

Senseless - This isn’t right. We need to get to Engineering... or at least a data terminal.

They continue walking and round a corner. They see a sight that confuses them even more. A few metres down the new corridor there is a sudden shift in decor. Beyond the Borg technology lies standard Starfleet brightly lit hallways.

Genocide - Da hell?

They walk across the threshold. They hear something and turn around to find several drones approaching them.

Genocide - Ah oh...

They back down the corridor, but the drones disappear as soon as they cross the threshold between Borg-Celestial and normal-Celestial.

Genocide - Well... you don’t see that every day.

Senseless - Let’s find a tricorder.

The go to an equipment locker. Senseless opens it and takes out a tricorder. Genocide grabs a backpack, fills it with power packs, hand phasers, and photon grenades, shoulders a compression rifle, and slips a knife into his belt. Senseless just looks at him.

Genocide - What? It never hurts to be prepared.

Senseless shakes his head and they walk down the corridor, eventually arriving at a Jefferies tube junction.

Senseless - Jefferies tube 2B. We need to go down 9 decks, and then down another 3.

Genocide - Climbing down 12 decks... I can’t wait.

They start climbing... obviously.

Scene 5 - Lieutenant-Commander Garell is walking down a corridor, looking around at the names written on the door. She runs into Ensign Blavik.

Blavik - Commander, why aren’t you in engineering?

Garell - I’d like to know the same thing. The turbolift I was in stopped on deck 12 and wouldn’t go any further. I’m trying to find my way to a Jefferies tube.

Blavik - Why are you reading the doors?

Garell - For as long as I’ve lived here, I’ve never seen names put on No-Name crewmen’s doors.

Blavik - Nor have I... perhaps they started to do it? After all, the No-Names rarely inform us of their plans.

Garell - Speaking of No-Names, have you seen any?

Blavik - Now that you mention it, ma’am, no, I haven’t. In fact, I haven’t seen anyone on this deck yet.

Garell - Me neither. We’d better stick together... mainly because we need a reason for dialogue.

Blavik - Agreed.

They suddenly see a high-ranking Starfleet officer walking down the corridor.

Blavik - Captain Competent!?!

Captain Competent - Ensign! What are you doing here? This deck was evacuated!

Garell - What... the..?

Scene 6 - Bridge. Bios has her head shoved into a gutted console while Center and Baque look on.

Bios - Yep, here’s the problem alright.

Baque - What is?

Bios - The power generators aren’t working. They’re totally offline. It seems like every conduit leading to the bridge has been severed.

Baque - So... no fixing it?

Bios - Not from here. Let’s go, we should try to get to the battle bridge.

Righteous - Can I come too?

Baque - ...Why are you asking us, you are the captain.

Righteous - And don’t you ever forget it. Let’s go.

He walks over and pulls open a Jefferies tube and crawls in. The other three officers look at each other and then follow.

Scene 7 - On another random deck, where the lights are flickering, the wall panels have all been cracked and broken, and the carpet is covered in unknown liquids, Doctor Puker and Lieutenant Tener are walking along.

Tener - Now, I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure deck 7 wasn’t like this a few hours ago.

Puker - It sure wasn’t. Here, sickbay’s down this corridor.

They turn the corner and see several radioactive mutant zombie No-Names from a planet near Cardassia chewing on a No-Name yellowshirt.

Tener - It’s the attack of the—

SMACK! Puker hits him across the face.

Puker - Enough already! It was funny the first time, but it got old really fast!

The zombies look up and then start moving toward the two officers.

Tener - Now would be a good time to run.

Puker - Yes, it would.

They do a 180 and start running.

Puker - I (huff) thought (huff) I (huff) killed (huff) them (huff)!

Tener - Me too! Wait, up there!

They spy a break in the mess where the corridor suddenly becomes normally lit again.

Tener - There’s a weapons locker there!

They cross the threshold and try to open the weapons locker as the zombies close the gap.

Tener - My access code isn’t working!

Puker - Forget it then, let’s just get off this deck!

They start running down the new corridor but are stopped by a forcefield.

Puker - Damn it!

They turn around in time to see the zombies reach the threshold and simply disappear.

Tener - Well... you don’t see that every day.

Puker - Let’s try to get back to sickbay.

They walk back into the damaged corridor and continue on their way. A second later, they hear a noise and turn around to see that the zombies have reappeared at the threshold and are now moving toward them again.

Puker - Son of a...

They run at full speed until they reach sickbay. Inside, unbeknownst to them, they cross another threshold and the door closes.

Tener - Doctor?

Puker turns to see another version of himself standing in the room looking dumbfounded.

Other Puker - Who the hell are you?

Puker - I was about to ask you the same question.

Tener - Before I forget...

He shoots the other Puker and knocks him unconscious.

Puker - What the hell was that for!?!

Tener - Just to be on the safe side. Find me a tricorder.

Tener grabs him a medical tricorder. Puker scans his counterpart.

Puker - Uh huh...

Tener - What?

Puker - That explains it. We’re in another reality. Take a look at this quantum signature. That’s from our friend here. Now this is ours. They’re different.

Tener - So... what?

Puker - So it means we’re in the wrong reality... wait a minute... where are the zombies?

He cautiously walks to the door and opens it, walks out, and starts scanning the yellow-shirt corpse that the zombies had been chewing on.

Puker - The quantum signature in this guy’s RNA is different than ours, and different than the other me in there.

Tener - So... I’m still not understanding this.

Puker scans over to the doorway.

Puker - The tricorder is having trouble scanning beyond the door... there’s some kind of subspace threshold in place... with an oscillating quantum signature... We need to find the others.

Puker and Tener leave Sickbay and head for the nearest Jefferies tube.

Scene 8 - Bridge. On one side of the room a hatch pops open and Senseless and Genocide crawl out. In from the Ready Room, Tener and Puker come in with Garell and Blavik. Then, in from another hatch comes Bios, Center, Baque and Righteous, all soaking wet.

Righteous - Ah you’re all here. Now, someone replicate me a towel.

Garell - All power to deck 1 is offline.

Righteous - Then we’ll just have to air dry. So, SIT-REP: Battle bridge is slightly flooded. We must have crashed on a water planet.

Genocide - Not quite. Everything below this deck has been totally assimilated. We’re part of a Borg cube now.

Garell - We just ran across Captain Competent, who says he’s been in command of this ship for months.

Tener - Yeah... funny story.

Puker - Everything you think has happened is true. It’s just not true in this universe.

Righteous - My head hurts.

Puker - The ship has been fractured into various quantum realities. Remember that episode of Voyager and the other one in TNG?

Senseless - Wait... the author is so pressed for ideas he’s started combining Star Trek episodes to make whole new ones?

Swordtail - Damn it you guys, I don’t pay you to question my writing style!

Center - Uh... Okay, so what exactly does that mean, quantum realities?

Bios - For every action, there are an infinite number of possible outcomes that can and do happen in other realities. At the most basic level, quantum fluctuations are random, but each outcome produces a quantum reality. Some are very similar to ours, and some are very different. But why has the ship been fractured into such large pieces?

Righteous - Rounding.

Senseless - What?

Righteous - You know, when the preceding decimal is below five you round down, and when it’s above five you round up. Rounding.

Bios - Um... for lack of a better explanation, we’ll just accept that.

Righteous - Woo hoo!

Bios - If the doctor is right, various sections of the ship will have been occupied by other quantum realities, with the thresholds acting as gateways between each. They seem to form near forcefield emitters, probably due to the large electromagnetic charge built up in them.

Senseless - So how do we fix it?

Garell - We could try to create a subspace implosion wave using the warp core.

Genocide - That doesn’t sound safe.

Garell - No, it doesn’t.

Pause... crickets.

Senseless - Just do it.

Garell - Ensign, with me.

Center - Aye, ma’am.

Garell - Lieutenant, I could use your help too.

Bios - Okay.

Garell, Bios, and Center leave the bridge through a Jefferies tube.

Righteous - What should we do?

Senseless - I’m going to try to reach the astrometrics lab. Ensign, James, come with me.

Tener - You’re going to run through a screwed up ship, dodging god knows what, and then go look at a screen?

Senseless - Listen, everything we’ve seen so far could have happened in our past. Remember that Borg tactical cube? What if it had assimilated us? And what if we had crashed on a water planet and never gotten off? I can name a few instances where such a thing could have happened. As for Captain Competent, frankly it’s a miracle Admiral Spot let us get the ship back even after he was killed. What if he hadn’t died? We need to know more information. Now, think of the number of times we could have been destroyed?

Blavik - Are you implying that sections of the ship may no longer exist?

Senseless - Remember that we’re not on the same ship that encountered the Borg?

Blavik - I fail to see how that’s possible.

Senseless - Which means it isn’t. Starfleet must have finished constructing this ship using parts of the old one.

Tener - That explains the structural problems. Starfleet Command must have skimped out and just recycled the debris from the first ship.

Righteous - That sounds like a stupid idea! I wanna talk with Admiral Nelix! Open a channel to Starfleet Headquarters!

Baque - Have you forgotten that all power to the bridge is offline?

Righteous looks around at the darkness, pierced only by the red alert lights.

Righteous - The power’s out?

Senseless shakes his head.

Senseless - Come on you two.

Senseless, Blavik and Tener leave the bridge.

Righteous - Hmmm... we should be doing something now, shouldn’t we?

Puker - Uh...

Righteous - I know! Let’s just wait here!

Baque - I like that idea.

Genocide - How about we get the communications system online? Now that we know what’s happening, we should be able to cut through the interference and talk to each other.

Righteous - It’s prayer time, everyone either join me or shut up. Where are those candles?

Scene 9 - A Jefferies tube. Garell is crawling along with Bios following her and Center bringing up the rear.

Bios - So I was thinking about it, and the more I thought about it, the more it had to make sense. We can traverse the quantum thresholds because we’re on the ship that they were formed on. In the other realities, it would look like a strange anomaly with a weird quantum signature just opened up on some random deck. If we walk through one, it would look to anyone in those realities like we just appeared out of thin air. We can see through the thresholds and not past them because photons in our reality can traverse the thresholds and reach our eyes.

Center - Then how can light from another reality come through the threshold?

Bios - I... haven’t figured that out yet.

Garell - It’s probably something similar to how when people are out of phase they don’t fall through the floor and can still breathe normally.

Bios - Yeah. Exactly. So, if we generate a subspace implosion wave with our precise quantum signature in its resonance frequency, we should dissipate the thresholds and the other quantum realities should go away.

Center - And will the parts of the ship that they inhabit come back?

Bios - Theoretically. I hope... yeah, probably.

Garell - Okay, down this way guys.

A crackally noise comes from their combadges.

Baque - (white noise) Come in— (white noise)

Garell - What was that?

Baque (clear) - Can you hear me now?

Garell - Loud and clear.

Baque (comm) - Good. The comm system is back online. Stand by.

Silence, they continue crawling.

Baque (comm) - Okay, we’ve accounted for just over twenty crewmembers. Looks like the rest are stuck in... wherever the replaced sections of the ship went. Or they fell victim to another reality.

Camera goes to Senseless, Blavik, and Tener, who appear to have joined the conversation. They too are in a Jefferies tube.

Senseless - Any luck with the sensors?

Genocide (comm) - No sir, the consoles still don’t have power.

Senseless pushes off a hatch and crawls out into a corridor which is poorly lit and really dirty.

Senseless - We’ve almost reached the astrometrics lab. Even if it’s in another reality we should be able to map some of the ship if we know what to look for.

As they turn down the corridor, they hear noises coming from behind them.

Senseless - Stand by.

They pull up close against a wall as the noises get louder. Suddenly, several Cardassian soldiers round the corner and spy the three officers. They stop, confused.

Tener - Hi, we were just on our way back to our quantum reality and we must have taken a wrong turn at the Breen-infested version of the ship. Could you point us in the right direction?

PZZZT! The Cardassians whip out phasers and start blasting as Senseless, Blavik, and Tener take off running.

Tener - That’s a no.

The run into the astrometrics lab and the Cardassians follow, only to disappear as they cross the doorway.

Blavik - Most fortunate.

Senseless activates the viewscreen and hits some more buttons. A schematic of the Celestial appears onscreen, with dozens of coloured blobs indicating different quantum realities.

Senseless - Oh... not good. There’s a lot more than I thought. Looks like there’s at least 70 distinct realities, and some repeat in places.

Suddenly the door opens and a guy wearing a PACMAN suit runs in out of thin air.

PACMAN - OH GOD NO!!! HELP! OH GOD!!!

Then, a guy wearing a ghost costume runs in out of nothingness as well, chasing the PACMAN guy.

Ghost - Woka woka woka woka woka woka woka woka woka...

PACMAN - OH JESUS CHRIST, SOMEONE HELP ME!!!

Ghost - Woka woka woka.

Both run out of the room and disappear. The three officers just sort of raise eyebrows.

Tener - Did... that just happen?

Senseless - I... don’t even want to know what could have gone different to cause that.

Blavik - It appears as if some of these realities are beginning to collapse, and are taking the rest of the ship in with them.

Senseless - What?!?

Blavik - Look here. These two thresholds on deck 11 have moved close together, but the adjoining quantum realities haven’t changed size. The ship is slowly being imploded.

Tener - How long until structural collapse?

Blavik - Not long. A few minutes at most.

Senseless - Let’s just hope Lieutenant-Commander Garell can get to Engineering in time.

Garell (comm) - Garell to everyone else.

Righteous (comm) - Go ahead.

Garell (comm) - We have a slight problem...

Camera goes to Garell, Bios, and Center who are standing right in front of a forcefield. Beyond them is about a metre more of lit corridor, then nothing. Stars can be seen past that, with several lit corridors appearing out of nowhere at several places.

Garell - Engineering doesn’t exist.

Scene 10 - Bridge. The intercom is still working.

Righteous - Are you sure it’s gone? Maybe if you look closer?

Garell (comm) - Yes sir, it’s gone. Our whole plan is shot.

Senseless (comm) - We’ve got five minutes until half the ship rips itself apart.

Genocide - Any more bright ideas?

Bios (comm) - The only other option would be maybe to use the warp core in the runabout but we’d need to channel the implosion pulse through the deflector dish and the deflector controls are crawling with radioactive mutant zombie Borg No-Names from the bottom of deck 20.

Camera goes to the astrometrics lab.

Senseless - We’re already on deck 8. We can probably get to the deflector controls fairly easily. We’ll just have to fight our way through to them if necessary.

Garell (comm) - We can probably get to the shuttlebay, assuming it’s still in one piece.

Senseless - We’re in luck. The shuttlebay is painted the same colour as the bridge on this thing.

Baque (comm) - I have something you might need. I’ll meet you on deck 12.

Senseless - Four minutes. Let’s go, everyone!

Senseless, Blavik, and Tener run out the door. Each pulls out a phaser and starts shooting Cardassians as they come into view until they leave that reality. Meanwhile, Garell, Bios, and Center are crawling through Jefferies tubes. Camera goes back to Senseless, Blavik, and Tener who have gotten onto deck 12 and are surrounded by slimy assimilated corridor, running for their lives from several Borg zombies.

Senseless - Probably should have thought through this first.

They spy the door to the Main Deflector Control room. Tener, leading them, runs through. However, a tubule shoots out of the wall and hits Senseless in the leg, throwing him against the wall and pumping him full of nano-viroid things or whatever I decided to call them.

Tener - Commander!

Senseless - Go! Leave me!

Blavik stops and grabs him by the arm.

Blavik - Come on, sir.

Senseless - Damn it, Ensign, if there was ever a time to be logical now is it. We have less than a minute left!

As he says that, the corridor rips open and the air starts to be sucked into glowing white light.

Tener - Ensign, I can’t do this on my own!

Senseless - Logic says you leave me! Don’t be sentimental, for God’s sake!

Blavik - Actually sir, logic dictates that you must live. Captain Righteous would destroy us without you to control him.

She throws him into the Deflector Control room, crossing a threshold and making the nano-viroids in his body go away, leaving him with nothing but a few ruptured cells and a leg wound. Blavik follows just as more tubules shoot at her.

Garell (comm) - Garell to Senseless. We’re ready!

Blavik - I can’t align the deflector from here!

Garell (comm) - We’re out of time, I’m activating the pulse!

Baque - COMMANDER!

The three officers turn around and see Lieutenant Baque standing at the other end of the corridor, holding a PADD. The corridor continues to rip itself apart.

Baque - Catch!

He throws the PADD as hard as he can and it somehow makes it across the corridor and into Tener’s waiting hands. He passes it to Blavik just as the ship starts to shake.

Blavik - Channeling implosion wave, now!

She presses a button on the PADD and an implausible blue wave moves throughout the ship. The camera moves to and watches as various sections revert to normal as the wave passes, leaving a bunch of very confused No-Names standing around. Camera goes to the bridge, where the lights suddenly come on and all consoles regain power.

Righteous - I’m guessing it worked.

Puker - Obviously.

Genocide - Alright... the variance in the warp field is gone. Yet another crappy episode comes to a close with a whimper.

Scene 11 - Bridge. Everyone is present.

Bios - What I don’t understand is why none of the senior staff were trapped in over-written sections of the ship like the rest of the crew.

Puker - Plot purposes. Well, all’s well that ends well. We got to watch the Celestial used as giant boom-box, got to revisit some of our more disturbing episodes, and didn’t manage to destroy a runabout.

Garell - Not quite, anyway.

Righteous - So, naive Vulcan underling, Commander Senseless tells me that you saved his life.

Senseless - She disobeyed direct orders and could have gotten herself killed. If that had happened, no one would have been able to work the deflector. If anything, I should put her on report.

Righteous - Well luckily, you don’t run this ship.

Genocide - Could have fooled me...

Righteous reaches in his pocket and pulls out a rank pip.

Righteous - I think it’s about time you got promoted. Congratulations, Lieutenant, Junior Grade, Blavik.

Everyone claps.

Center - I don’t suppose you have any more pips in your pocket, sir?

Righteous - As a matter of fact, Ensign, I do.

Center - Woo hoo!

Righteous pulls out a pip and goes over to Baque.

Righteous - I went over an old log entry and apparently I was supposed to be reminded to promote you. Here you go, Lieutenant-Commander.

Baque, stunned, takes the pip and just looks at it.

Baque - Wait... you were actually serious about that?

Righteous - Apparently. Now, helm boy, set a course for... wherever it was that Admiral Spot wanted us to go. Engage.

Center - Are there any more promotions, sir?

Righteous - Why would there be?

Center - God damn it...

The End