Episode 42: “Uninvited Guests”

Written by Swordtail

Published August 19, 2007

Scene 1 - Messhall, USS Celestial. Ensign Center is sitting with his head down alone at a table while everyone else has a grand old time eating and drinking. Lieutenant Bios walks in and goes up to the relicator.

Bios - Kool-Aid, blue.

Bzzzzzzzzzt! She takes the near-toxic drink and goes to sit at the same table as Center.

Bios - Good morning.

Center - My life sucks.

Bios (grimacing) - Well... No, it... doesn’t... completely... suck...

Center - I’ve kissed that dumb moron’s ass for the last two years and what has it gotten me? A mediocre job and massive unpopularity. And no promotion!

Bios - Could be worse. At least you still have your health.

Center - So does every other person on the ship.

Bios - Not true, I saw Crewman Marsh drop dead of a heart attack this morning. Rumour has it he was poisoned. I think he ate the lasagna even though the doctor clearly prohibited it.

Center - The lasagna was inedible?

Bios - No, Doctor Puker just wanted it all to himself.

Scene 2 - Space. The Celestial flies past and drops out of warp in a binary star system.

Righteous - Captain’s log, stardate 59738.4... I’m never going to get used to that... I think Admiral Spot made us all start using it again just to spite us. Anyway, after months of messing around with weapons, we’re finally getting back to exploring again. We’re on our way to the Desi Proixma system because no one’s been there before... Man, thousands of Federation starships kicking around, and no one bothered to explore a solar system that’s just on the edge of Andorian space? Someone isn’t doing all their paperwork. End log.

Camera goes to the Celestial’s briefing room, where Senseless, Genocide, Righteous, Blavik, Puker and the holographic form of Fleet Admiral Spot are talking.

Spot - I just want to state for the record that when the Enterprise was hit by Barclay’s demetamorphesis syndrome, I did not turn into an iguana! I simply put the cat collar on an iguana so I could go find some more food for the kittens. Data was so stupid that I got away with it all the time, but I didn’t count on Picard being with him. No, I turned into a sabre-toothed tiger and ate some No-Names. Not a lizard, that just doesn’t even make sense. Why would a cat de-evolve into a reptile? Seriously!

Senseless - That’s nice, ma’am, but what does that have to do with why you called us?

Spot - It doesn’t. I’m just calling to tell you not to eff up this mission. It seems every time you go exploring you screw something up. Luckily, every other ship known to exist has the same problem, so I’ll let it slide... but I’m going to say it nonetheless. Spot out.

Spot disappears and Senseless turns to the others.

Senseless - Alrighty then... where is everyone else?

Baque and Garell enter.

Baque - ...I’m telling you I don’t fly that badly.

Garell - All I’m saying is that it sure looks like unnecessary wear on the impulse manifolds...

Tener, Center, and Bios come in.

Tener - ...Put me down for “Wipes out a civilization.” That wins most of the time.

Bios - Gotcha. Bob?

Center - I’ll go for “make peaceful first contact and become friends with a superior race.”

Baque - Oh you would.

Senseless - Everyone sit down, shut up, and listen.

Everyone sits down, shuts up, and listens.

Senseless - Long range scans have detected six gas planets, several with moons. We’ll explore the second planet since it’s at the right distance for life to exist on any of its moons.

Genocide - Are we expecting any combat this time?

Senseless - Oh, experience has taught me to go in with phasers firing and shields to maximum, so yes.

Righteous - Ooh, ooh! Do you think we’ll find another Prophet-blessed nation with a big gun only I can use?

Senseless - We’ve been over this sir, the Prophets went on a vacation!

Blavik - I find it highly illogical that non-corporeal beings who live outside our space-time continuum would need to go on vac—

Senseless gives her an odd look.

Blavik - Never mind...

Opening credits. Or not... or yes.... or maybe!!!

Scene 3 - Sickbay. Doctor Puker and Lieutenant Blavik are operating on a No-Name.

Puker - So, did you hear that Chester apparently escaped again?

Blavik - Yes, my sister informed me.

Puker - Sister? Who’s your sister?

Blavik - Lieutenant Sa’lol of the USS Solaris.

Puker - Wait... she’s your sister?

Blavik - That’s what I just told you.

Puker - How come you never said anything before now!?

Blavik - It’s in my record, if you bothered to read it.

Puker - Bah, we don’t have time for those things.

Senseless (comm) - Bridge to Puker and Blavik, could you both come up here?

Puker - On our way.

The two officers leave the room, leaving a No-Name lying on the biobed with his chest cut open. On the bridge, everyone is present as a very old looking ship floats before them.

Puker - Hey everyone, can you believe our nurse here has a sister and never told us?

Righteous - Since when do you have a sister, naive Vulcan underling?

Blavik (rolling eyes) - Since about a year and a half before I was born... didn’t any of you read my Starfleet record?

Righteous - I was pressed for time when I hired you.

Senseless - You pulled them out of a surgery and on the spot offered them a position on your ship!

Center - Uh, guys?

Genocide - Not now, they’re arguing. I love it when they argue. It means we don’t have to do work.

Center - There’s a power signature on that ship.

Everyone turns toward him.

Senseless - You just finished telling us it has been derelict for over ten millennia.

Center - The energy signature just appeared.

Senseless - Well, we’d better go explore. This could be a huge finding. A power system that works even after ten thousand years? Might be worth a pat on the back. Tener, I want you—

Tener - Why is it always me!!?

Senseless - You’re the chief of security!

Tener - I didn’t want to be!

Senseless - Your other option was eventual death.

Tener - Alright, I’ll go... but I’m not going alone.

Senseless - Bios, Garell, let’s go.

Righteous - Can I go?

Senseless - Sir, Starfleet regulations prevent you from going on away missions. You’ll just mess something up. Read it if you want to.

Righteous - I will! Girl who breaks stuff a lot, find me the—

Bios tosses him a PADD she’d been keeping for months, ever since the last time he asked for the rulebook.

Bios - Have fun. Bye!

He starts reading the PADD.

Righteous - ... “Captain Righteous Lee is prohibited from going on away missions since he will undoubtably screw something up... signed by Fleet Admiral Spot...” Prophets damn it, I never get to have any fun!

Senseless pulls a squishy yellow ball out of his pocket and tosses it across the bridge.

Righteous - Cat toy!!!

He leaps after it and starts kicking it around the room while Senseless, Tener, Garell, and Bios leave.

Scene 4 - On a dark and dreary generic alien ship, the four officers, wearing environmental suits, materialize and start to float around.

Senseless - Mag-boots, everyone.

Everyone presses a button on their wrists and their magnetic boots engage, causing Bios to stick to the ceiling, Senseless to stick to the Floor, and Garell and Tener to stick to opposite walls.

Senseless - Alright, we need to work on that.

They all move to stand on the floor and walk down the corridor, through clouds of floating debris.

Garell - Most of this stuff is debris from the ship’s plasma conduits... looks like a widespread EPS overload.

Bios - That’s assuming they had an EPS system.

Tener - You two techno-dweebs want to speak something that the universal translators will be able to understand?

Garell - What did you just call me?

Bios - Something made the ship go boom on the inside.

Senseless - Any idea what kind of ship it was?

Bios - Probably just one from some long-dead civilization.

They enter a control centre of some sort. Bios goes over and attaches a portable power cell to one of the consoles. It lights up.

Bios - Wow, I didn’t think that would work, for obvious compatibility reasons.

Senseless - So, can you access the data banks?

Bios - Yeah... hang on... Okay, I’m in... wow, this is a mess.

Senseless - What?

Bios - Even the interface is all messed up. It looks like the entire database has been converted to nonsense.

Tener - Oh perfect, so much for getting our answers the easy way.

Bios - Wait! I found a heavily encrypted file... Wow, it’s big. Can’t open it, though.

Garell - Here, I’ll help you set up a link to the Celestial’s main computer.

Tener - I’m going to look around some more, this is boring.

Senseless - I’ll go with you. You two have fun.

Bios - Oh, we will.

Garell - Speak for yourself.

Senseless and Tener leave the room and wander around for a while. They stumble onto what must be the bridge. Skeletons litter the floor. A console is flashing.

Senseless - Well, there’s our power signature.

Tener - Looks like a log entry.

Senseless - Here, I’ll put an audio interpreter on the speaker over here. Okay, now play it.

Tener presses a button and the log entry starts playing. The audio interpreter detects the movements of the speaker and transmits a translation to the suit comm system. Remember there’s no air... yeah, I was thinking... for once.

Some Long Dead Guy - ...All systems are offline. Most of the crew is dead. Still unable to communicate with the entity. It infected our computer systems a few hours ago, after we set up a data transfer with a structure on the third moon of this planet. No idea what it wants. It shut off life support an hour ago. Unable to call for help... reserve power is almost out... but there is some good news... I just saved a tonne of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.... (cough).

The log stops. Senseless and Tener look at each other.

Senseless, Tener - Biiiiiiiiooooooooooooossss!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They run down the corridor as fast as their magnetic boots will let them. They run into the room where Garell and Bios are merging the two ship’s computers.

Senseless, Tener - Sttoppp!

Bios - What’s with the yelling, you could have used the comm!

Garell (turning to look at her) - They were! You just were too busy messing around with the transfer.

Senseless - There’s something in the computer, a lifeform of some kind. It killed the crew and disabled the ship. If we link the computers it might—

BOOM! The console explodes. Camera goes to the Celestial’s bridge.

Genocide - What the fuck?

The lights start flickering. Camera goes back to the away team.

Senseless - Away team to Celestial, beam us back at once!

No-Name #1 (comm) - Can’t sir, transporters are offline.

Senseless - Figures. Garell, where’s the nearest outer hatch?

Garell - Oh, no fricking way. Not going to happen.

Senseless - Tener? I need an outer hatch.

Tener takes his phaser rifle and blows a hole in the hull. Out the hole, the USS Celestial, lights flickering, can be seen a few hundred metres away. Senseless grabs Garell by the wrist, turns off her magnet boots, and shoves her out the hole.

Garell - I’ll kill you, Commander!!!

Bios, Tener, and Senseless jump out after her. They all slam into the Celestial’s hull and turn their boots back on. Walking along the hull, the reach an airlock and crawl inside the ship. Once they have their helmets off, Garell takes her phaser and shoots Senseless, who barely even flinches.

Garell - Damn it, I thought it was set to kill! Why is the standard procedure to put these things on the lowest setting?

Scene 5 - Bridge. The ship is at red alert, and all the lights and consoles are still flickering. Senseless, Bios, Garell, and Tener walk in. Everyone else is already present.

Righteous - What happened? One minute I was chasing a cat toy, and the next thing I know, Lieutenant-Commander Genocide over here is cursing up a storm.

Genocide - Some kind of virus got into our systems! It’s wiping out or databanks and is taking over our main computer! Fuck! Weapons are offline! Damn it!

Senseless - According to a log entry we found over there, the same thing wiped out that ship’s entire crew.

Center - Well, it’s in our computers alright. Nothing I throw at it seems to work.

Bios - We have no choice, someone has to go in and flush it into an area where we can physically destroy it.

Senseless - That sounds a little risky, not to mention impossible.

Bios - Any minute now, that thing will get access to our life support systems and—

The life support systems deactivate.

Bios - Oh great. Okay, now, any other minute, that thing will start blowing out EPS conduits, and a lot of people are going to die.

Genocide - So, they’re just No-Names. It’s not like one of us is in any danger.

Bios - Uh, the bridge is ODN grand central station... the first thing it will attack is here.

Senseless - Fine, how do you intend to get in there?

Bios - Well, I’m the only one with a synaptic processor, so I’ll just plug in and interface directly with the main computer.

Garell - You told me you broke that thing.

Bios - Well, I fixed it.

Senseless - Fine, but you know what this means...

Bios - Yeah, you’re going to send Genocide in with me.

Genocide - What? In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t have a synaptic processor. How do you intend for me to go into the computer with her?

Senseless turns to look at Blavik. Genocide follows his gaze, then drops his head.

Genocide - Ah, fudgesicles.

Scene 6 - In one of the science labs, Bios sits in a chair with a bunch of wires stuck to her head. Genocide and Blavik stand just off to the side. Puker is scanning everyone with a medical tricorder.

Puker (to Blavik) - How many times have you performed this “bridging of minds?”

Blavik - Never, but I once observed an episode of Star Trek: Voyager, and I am fairly confident I can reproduce Tuvok’s success.

Bios - Ready.

Genocide - Here goes nothing... so how is this supposed to work, anyway? I mean, how will we be able to interpret the data coming into our heads?

Puker - The subconscious mind is the most powerful computer known to exist. It can interpret the data into familiar patterns, more for plot purposes than for anything else. All you need to do is give it direction from your conscious mind and it will do the rest for you.

Genocide - Alright, so if I wanted a really big gun...?

Puker - I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

Genocide - Sweeeeet.

Genocide takes a chair next to Bios, who plugs the other end of the wires sticking out of her head into the computer. Blavik puts a hand on each’s forehead.

Blavik - Your minds to... ah screw it, just merge already.

Scene 7 - Genocide and Bios appear in the middle of a weird looking... place. Lights are flying around the wide corridor, which resembles the Celestial.

Genocide - Ah, this will be easier than I thought. I’m assuming we have to get to Main Engineering or somewhere?

Bios - No, we have to find the entity and see what we’re up against.

Genocide - Sounds good... so, where do we go?

Bios - This way.

They start walking and turn into a room. It opens onto an unknown, very alien planet. The sand is yellow, the sky is green, and dozens of moons fill the sky, as does a massive gas planet.

Genocide - Great, knew this seemed too easy.

Bios - I can’t be sure, but I think this might be the entity’s home planet.

She picks up some of the sand.

Bios - This could be a form of iron silicate, which would be how the entity moves naturally through its environment.

Genocide - So... where is it?

Bios - Uh... there! Come on!

She grabs his wrist and the two of them start flying through the air really fast. A massive structure rises over the horizon. It looks like a vertically elongated pyramid, with circuitry carved into it, which is showing the movement of algorithms and subroutines.

Genocide - What’s that thing?

Bios - That would be the CelestOS interpretation of the ship’s main computer.

Genocide - Well... it’s a little bigger than I expected.

The structure continues to rise as their close, now over a dozen kilometres tall. Suddenly, a massive explosion detonates on its surface. Then another. As the two officers get closer, they see that a massive creature of some sort is attacking the main computer.

Genocide - Twenty bucks says that’s the entity.

Suddenly, a plume of electricity flies out of the top of the structure and vapourizes the creature.

Genocide - Well, it was the entity.

More projectiles hit the computer and explode, and more bolts of cybernetic lightening fly out of its top. As they get even closer, they see millions of the creatures surrounding the main computer. Then, one of the creatures turns and sees the two officers flying through the air. It fires at them, barely missing them.

Bios - Crap! Blavik, get us out of here!

Genocide vanishes and a second later Bios does as well.

Scene 8 - Bios and Genocide wake up in the science lab. Righteous, Senseless, Garell, Blavik and Puker are already present.

Senseless - So, how did it go? Did you find the entity?

Genocide - I think there’s more than one entity. Looks like there’s a whole civilization of them living inside our systems.

Puker - Okay, so Tener wins this one.

Bios - They’re laying siege to the main computer core. It’s weakening, and it won’t last much longer.

Righteous - What do these things look like?

Senseless - Sir, it doesn’t matter. It’s just an abstract interpretation.

Righteous - Lieutenant-Commander Genocide, I asked you a question.

Genocide - They look like the aliens from Starship Troopers, sir.

Righteous - I never saw that movie.

Genocide - I’m not surprised.

Suddenly, the ship rocks and the lights flicker.

Senseless - Senseless to bridge, what’s going on?

Center (comm) - An EPS conduit exploded on deck 3. Casualty reports are coming in... five dead, seventeen injured. It blew in the messhall.

Garell - No! Not the messhall!

Genocide - What are you complaining about, the only things there are replicators and tables, which you can find practically everywhere else on the ship. There are replicators and tables in your quarters!

Garell - But you don’t get the social atmosphere in my quarters.

Genocide - Invite people over!

Garell - I do, no one comes for some reason.

Genocide - What a mystery. Just go get that stupid trap set up, we’re going to lure them into it.

Bios - We are? What about abandoning ship?

Righteous - Not my ship! We need to save it! It’s important!

Puker - Don’t worry everyone, I’m still working on a cure for stupidity.

Righteous - Just put your faith in the Prophets and we’ll all be fine.

Bios mutters something in that really high pitched Bynar speech.

Senseless - What was that?

Bios - Oh, you probably don’t want me to translate. Let’s just get back into the computer.

Bios plugs herself back in and Blavik starts the mind-bridging routine on her and Genocide.

Righteous - What do you suppose that file you guys brought back said?

Garell - Who knows, it’s probably deleted now, along with half our database.

Righteous - I bet it’s a recipe for the galaxy’s best pumpkin pie!

Senseless - I’m not even going to point out the multitude of flaws in that hypothesis.

Righteous - All the better if you don’t, I didn’t understand half of what you said anyway.

Garell - What I’d like to know is how this day could get any worse: We’re looking at a wide scale EPS explosion in less than forty minutes, total loss of breathable air in 30 minutes, we can’t call for help, the escape pods probably don’t work, and our only hope is Genocide’s mindless homicidal rage and the person who breaks practically everything she touches. I suppose since we’re at such a low, things can only get better, right?

Senseless - I can guarantee you that by the end of this day you’ll eat your words.

Scene 9 - Bridge. Center’s console starts beeping. Tener and Baque look over at him.

Center - Woah, a temporal anomaly just opened on deck 6. There’s—

He stops talking in mid sentence. Tener goes over to see what the problem is. He looks at the console.

Tener (sigh) - Here we go again...

As they know, Binky the Mistreated Targ has appeared out of nowhere and is now sitting next to an EPS conduit. The hum of the plasma going through it increases in pitch. Binky, slightly dazed, looks over at the wall it is behind.

Binky - Urg?

BOOM!

Scene 10 - In cyber la-la land, Bios and Genocide are sneaking around a bunch of rocks, trying to avoid being seen by the two-story tall black cyber-creatures that are still trying to blow the main computer to pieces.

Genocide - So what do we do now?

Bios - If I could access the main computer, I might be able to erect a firewall around it. It would hold them off for a while and make them more likely to chase us. But I don’t think I can get close without being seen and shot at.

Genocide - Would a distraction help?

Bios - Yeah, it would, but how do you intend to distract them?

Genocide - It just occurred to me that Gundam Wing isn’t all that farfetched...

Bios - Oh... well, have fun.

Bios slips away and Genocide goes out into the open behind the thousands of creatures.

Genocide - Hey! Butt wipes!

The creatures all turn to look at him.

Genocide - Say hello to my little friend!

Mustering up all the will power he has available, he makes a massive duranium exoskeleton form around him. Controlling it like those guys from The Matrix, he pulls out a big honking gun and points it at the creatures.

Genocide (in as deep a voice as he can manage) - You... are... terminated!

BOOM! Bios, running around the place trying to hide from the creatures, is nearly hit by a huge explosion which vapourizes a dozen of the creatures at once.

Bios - Science H. Logic! That guy doesn’t kid around when he goes to distract!

Scene 11 - Deck 6. Tener, Center, and Baque run in carrying phasers, and see that the entire area has been blown to smithereens. Garell comes running in from another direction.

Garell - Woah... I sure hope no one important was in there.

Tener - Remember that targ?

Garell - Oh please... don’t tell me he’s back again.

Suddenly, a piece of rubble on the floor moves and Binky crawls out from under it. He sees the three officers with phasers pointed at him and makes a run for it.

Garell - What’s the phasers for?

Baque - We couldn’t be sure he wasn’t the Borg version of Binky.

Garell - Well, since you’re here, you can help me with this plamsa conduit trap.

Baque - Oh great.

Tener - Beats sitting on the bridge waiting for it to explode and kill us.

Center - What do you need done, ma’am?

Garell - Ensign, I need you to get me an ODN to EPS data converter, there should be one in the storage cabinet in Lower Engineering, on deck 16. Lieutenant, I’ll need a portable forcefield generator and an independent power supply. I don’t remember where those are kept. Lieutenant-Commander, go to jefferies tube 14-H and reroute the plasma flow for the entire deck.

Baque - Okay, what will you be doing?

Garell - I’m supervising and giving orders, isn’t that good enough?

Baque - I hate you.

Garell - No you don’t, but that’s okay, after all, you are an idiot.

Scene 12 - BOOM!

Bios - Son of a bitch!

Genocide - Wooo! This is fun!!!

Boom!

Parts of the cybernetic creatures go flying everywhere as Genocide again unleashes a burst of plasma from the gun his walking war machine is touting. Bios meanwhile, has reached the main computer processor.

Bios - Computer, do you recognize my voice?

Computer - Thank you for using the CelestOS 2.0 LCARS computer interface system, Lieutenant Bios, how may I help you?

Bios - Initiate firewall program, authorization Bios sigma one five zero. Encrypt on the following access code:

Bios speaks something in Bynar language and the computer beeps a few times. A massive bubble of flame forms around the computer processor, killing dozens of the creatures that were caught crossing it. The computer’s defence system and Genocide make quick work of the creatures inside the bubble, and others are burnt to a crisp as they try to cross it.

Bios - It’s done! Sir!

Genocide stops firing at the now dead entities long enough to reach down and let Bios climb onboard his exoskeleton.

Genocide - Now what?

Bios - Now we head for the trap.

They run out of the firewall, which lets them pass, and then turn toward the creatures which are still trying to get through.

Bios - Hey! Morons!

The creatures ignore her.

Bios - Want in? I’m the only one who can lower that firewall!

All the creatures stop what they’re doing and turn to face the two officers.

Genocide - Uh... just out of curiosity, what happens if we’re killed in here?

Bios - Oh nothing really, it’s just that you, me, and probably Lieutenant Blavik will suffer permanent and fatal brain damage.

Genocide - Oh joy... time to run.

The mechanized bipedal battle suit starts running, with Genocide inside and Bios clinging onto it for dear life.

Bios - Wait a minute, I can fly in here, can’t I?

She rises up far above the ground. Genocide jumps out of his battle suit and does the same.

Genocide - Good, let’s see just how stupid these things are.

The creatures extend wings and start flying.

Genocide - God damn it!

Scene 13 - On deck 14, near the main computer memory core, Center walks in struggling to roll a large piece of machinery with two plugs coming out of it. He takes it over to Garell, who is yanking wires out of the wall near the ship’s hard drive. An exposed plasma conduit with a valve sticking out of it is visible on the wall.

Center - Is this what you wanted? It weighs a tonne!

Garell - 300 kilograms, actually.

Center - You could have told me so I would have had time to get an antigrav unit!

Garell - Oh stop your whining, you little baby. At least it rolls.

Center - Yeah, if you call pushing a hexagon “rolling".

Tener comes in.

Tener - I can’t find one. Looks like some dumb No-Names used them to protect themselves on deck 20.

Garell - Don’t worry, I forgot that the door has a built-in one that’s on a separate computer system.

Little does Tener know, Binky the Mistreated Targ has made his way down to deck 20 and is now facing four No-Names who are hiding behind a forcefield.

No-Name #2 - Should we let him in?

No-Name #3 - Isn’t this the same targ that has all the bad luck?

No-Name #4 - Who cares, let him in!

No-Name #5 - My pudding can is leaking all over my uniform!

No-Name #2 - That’s not pudding, you’re bleeding!

No-Name #3 - Way to cut yourself on the cover, you team-killing fucktard!

No-Name #4 - I want pizza!

No-Name #5 - I don’t feel so good...

No-Name #2 - Ice cream!

No-Name #4 - Now I want ice cream too!

No-Name #3 - You can’t have ice cream, No-Name #2 asked for it first!

No-Name #5 - I think I’m going to pass out!

No-Name #4 - Who are we sending out to get the food this time?

No-Name #2 - I went last time, it’s No-Name #5’s turn!

They turn to No-Name #5 who has collapsed from blood loss.

No-Name #3 - Crap, that means it’s my turn.

He turns off the forcefield and Binky hops inside. However, just as No-Name #3 is about to leave the deck to go get some pizza and ice cream and god knows what else, the entire deck explodes and blows them all out the bottom of the ship.

Binky - WHEEE!!!

As the four No-Names, only three of which are still conscious, gasp for air, Binky is sucked into a temporal portal and vanishes.

Scene 14 - Inside the computer, Genocide and Bios are flying for their lives as hordes of Starship Trooper alien rip-offs chase them through various pathways.

Bios - There! There it is!

A big building labelled “ODN to EPS Converter” appears up ahead. The two officers fly inside and then Bios yells:

Bios - Blavik! Get us out of here!

They both vanish, and the thousands of bug things fly into the building. Outside, in the real world, Genocide and Bios come to and Genocide taps his combadge.

Genocide - Garell, now!

Garell (comm) - What?! We’re not ready!

Camera goes to the place at which Baque, Tener, Garell, and Center are located.

Garell - Shit, they’re all in there!

Baque - So what’s the problem?

Garell yanks the converter off the plasma conduit and pushes it aside.

Garell - You’re right, that thing is heavy.

Tener - Uh, what does this thingy mean?

They look at the console he is pointing at and their eyes go wide.

Center - Oh that’s not good.

Garell - Alright, everyone out!!!

The four officers run out of the room.

Garell - Computer, erect a level-10 forcefield around the computer memory core access room.

Beep! The forcefield engages. Everyone looks inside the room, where the plug end of the plasma conduit is just sitting there, and the hum of the plasma flowing in the conduits begins to get louder.

Baque - Nothing’s happening, isn’t something supposed to happen?

Garell - The conduit cap is supposed to break open and release the energy harmlessly into the room.

Baque - Uh, what happens if it doesn’t break?

Garell - Um... the feedback from all the energy creatures will eventually break through the little detour you set up and fly into the warp core.

Tener - I’m guessing that’s a bad thing.

Garell - If you call getting blown to a trillion pieces in an antimatter explosion a bad thing, then yes, it’s a very, very bad thing.

They continue to watch, but the conduit plug does nothing.

Garell - Son of a bitch!

On the bridge, everyone else has taken their stations.

Bios - Commander, the computer is starting back up. We’ll have full control in a few moments.

Garell (comm) - Garell to bridge, we have a little problem.

Righteous - Oh yay! Problems!

Genocide - Problems are a bad thing, jackass.

Righteous - Oh yeah...

Garell (comm) - We didn’t have time to weaken the valve cap. The energy density in the plasma is still building. I estimate it will feedback into the warp core in less than a minute!

Senseless - What can we do to stop that?

Garell (comm) - The only thing I can think of is to manually break open the conduit, but that would vapourize everything in the room and we don’t have time to get one of those robot thingies they use for blowing up luggage at airports!

Senseless - Evacuate the stardrive section, we’ll separate the ship.

Garell (comm) - No time, and the shockwave would get us anyway.

Camera goes to deck 14. Consoles start sparking as the plasma conduits start to overload. Center looks at the computer memory core access room, then at everyone else, then at the sparking consoles, then at the memory core room.

Center - Ah hell...

He presses a button and drops the forcefield, slips inside and reactivates it before the other three turn around.

Garell - Ensign what the hell are you doing?

Center - Saving your sorry asses.

Garell - Ensign don’t be a fucking moron, you’ll get yourself—

Too late. He picks up a pipe and hits the valve cap, blowing it open and filling the room with superheated plasma, which instantly vapourizes him.

Garell - —killed...

As the consoles and readouts stop freaking out and everything goes back to normal, the other three officers just stand there stunned. Camera goes to the bridge.

Senseless - Report! Why aren’t we dead?

Genocide - Uh, the plasma was released... all system are returning to normal.

Bios - I’m running a full diagnostic on the computer now, but it looks like all the entities have been eradicated.

Senseless - Bridge to Lieutenant-Commander Garell, I’m guessing the valve finally blew?

Garell (comm) - Not... quite... Commander.

Puker - Well, all’s well that ends well. We did some exploring, blew up an entire civilization of cybernetic baddies, and... Bios?

Bios - This file we got from that ship is a recipe for the galaxy’s best pumpkin pie... huh, who knew?

Righteous - Ha! Told ya!

Senseless (ignoring them) - What do you mean, “not quite?”

Garell (comm) - It was manually opened, sir.

Senseless - But you said you didn’t have time to—

Garell (comm) - Ensign Bob Center opened it, sir.

Everyone on the bridge stands stunned, well, all except Righteous.

Righteous - Ah, I think it’s about time I promoted that man! Send him up here, blue woman.

Puker - He’s dead, Lee...

Righteous - Oh... Prophets damn it!

The End