Episode 43: “Whose Console Is It, Anyway?”

Written by Swordtail

Published August 27, 2007

Scene 1 - The Celestial floats through space near a space station of some sort.

Righteous (voiceover) - Captain’s log, stardate 59746.6. Um... what’s new... hmmm... Let’s see, Ensign Center is still dead, I guess. We were going to have a funeral, but that’s kind of hard when there’s nothing left of the body except a cloud of ionized gas... We did have a memorial service, but for some unknown reason only eleven people showed up: The entire senior staff, and two of his subordinates. Which is odd, because I wasn’t aware he had any subordinates... Oh yeah, and Admiral Nelix has us running supply convoy duty for the next few days... something about keeping us out of trouble for a while... anyway, we’re ferrying relief supplies to a colony near the Tholian border, which was hit by an ion storm or something. I’m too lazy to look up exactly what happened, but we’re just supposed to help them. Beats me why, it’s not like they’re part of the Federation, and the Federation doesn’t normally help outsiders.

Scene jumps to the bridge of the Celestial. Everyone present has turned and is looking at Righteous with an annoyed look. The Ops station is empty, and has a sign which says “Vacancy, Inquire at Captain’s Chair” on it.

Baque - You retard!

Senseless - Um... the Federation went through enormous pains to help Bajor after the occupation.

Righteous - That’s different, the Prophets told them to.

Baque - Thanks to Bajor, we discovered the wormhole... and thanks to that wormhole, we met the Dominion, and thanks to the Dominion, our population is at an all time low!

Righteous - Not our problem at the moment. Ensign, hail the station.

Everyone groans and rolls their eyes.

Righteous - Ensign, I gave you a direct... oh yeah, ha ha, silly me. Um... who’s controlling the comm system today?

Genocide - Uh... good question... where are the other Ops officers?

Baque - What other officers? Center worked the night shift, the morning shift, and the afternoon shift.

Genocide - Dude... you’re right... I never saw him leave the bridge... how did he sleep?

Bios - I think he took short naps when no one was around.

Tener walks onto the bridge, leading a yellow-shirt No-Name.

Tener - Found one.

Righteous - One what?

Tener - I’ve been searching the ship for three days now, trying to track down who is qualified to run the Operations station on the bridge... here’s one.

No-Name #1 - Wow, the bridge! I’ve never been up here before! Where do I sit?

Tener points to the Ops console, then walks over and takes the “Vacancy” sign off of it.

Righteous - Welcome to the senior staff, No-Name #1... your first duty is to hail the station.

No-Name #1 - Hail, hail... ah, here it is.

The station commander appears on the screen.

Station Commander - Ready to go, Celestial?

Senseless - Ready as we’ll ever be.

Station Commander - Good. See you in a few days.

The channel cuts.

Righteous - Alrighty then, flyboy, set a course for wherever we’re supposed to be doing.

Baque - Fine, but stop calling me that.

Righteous - Okay, helm boy.

Baque - Better... but I still hate it.

Senseless - Just lay in the damn course.

Baque - Alright, jeesh.

The Celestial turns and goes to warp.

Bios - So what is our cargo, anyway?

Genocide - I bet it’s weapons to help this colony defend against the Tholians!

Senseless - Actually, it’s relief supplies.

Genocide - No weapons?

Senseless - Not that I know of.

Genocide - Oh, we’ll see about this. Nameless security officer! Take my post while I go digging through the cargo bays for a while.

Genocide leaves the bridge. Everyone else just goes back to doing whatever they were doing. Genocide enters one of the cargo bays and starts looking around through the forest of containers.

Genocide - Yeah, “relief” supplies, sure, right... and I’m a pacifist... the Klingons and Cardassians aren’t even worth worrying about, the Romulans suck, the Gorn and Breen are still at large but manageable... so that just leaves the Tholians... yeah, like Admiral Spot would pass up an opportunity to score some allies near their border.

Suddenly, something makes a sound. Genocide spins around and whips out his phaser.

Genocide - Hello?

Silence... he moves around some crates and tries to catch whoever made the noise.

Genocide - Ah... HA! Oh... damn.

Finding nothing, he shakes his head and continues searching the crates. Suddenly, something moves again.

Genocide - Alright, I know someone is there!

He peeks around a few corners and finds nothing. As he turns around, though, he finds himself face to face with a crate.

Genocide - What the... I don’t remember this being here a minute ago...

He lightly touches the crate and it easily floats away. Genocide, irked, reaches behind and turns off the anti-gravity device attached to it.

Genocide - Stupid loading crew... can’t do anything right...

Bllllurbb! (Or whatever it sounds like). The red alert klaxons go off.

Senseless (comm) - All hands, battlestations.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks, cargo goes flying.

Opening credits... booooooooooooooring!

Scene 2 - Bridge. Genocide runs in. On the viewscreen, several Tholian ships are constructing a wall of web stuff.

Genocide - What do they want? We’re light-years from their border.

Righteous - Who cares, we have a rendezvous to make... Full impulse!

Baque - Uh, captain? That web is right in front of us.

Righteous - What did I just tell you to do, Lieutenant-Commander?

Baque - Aye sir...

The Celestial’s impulse engines fire up and the ship moves forward, and crashes into the web. The webbing stretches and then rebounds, throwing back the Celestial. On the bridge, consoles are exploding.

No-Name #1 - Port power coupling is offline, EPS grid has taken heavy damage, and-

BOOM! The operations console explodes, killing No-Name #1.

Baque - Well, another brilliant idea from the laughing stock of the galaxy goes awry... any more plans, jerk?

Righteous - Hey, our new ops guy died!

Genocide - Fancy that...

Senseless - Genocide, can you do anything about those Tholian ships?

Genocide - Do bears shit in the woods?

Bios - Bears are extinct.

Genocide - It was a rhetorical question!

Garell enters the bridge.

Garell - Whose bright idea was it to try to ram the Tholian web?

Baque - Why do you show up after something breaks?

Garell - Hey, I get the job done, don’t complain... oh yeah, we’re fresh out of power couplings... we’ll have to stop at the shipyard on the way home.

Genocide - The Tholians are retreating, sir. And they’ve dropped the web.

Righteous - Good. Resume course... I wonder why they attacked us?

Bios - Who knows. Tell Tener to find us another Operations officer.

Scene 3 - Space. The Celestial is warping by.

Righteous - Captain’s log, supplemental. This sucks. I’m bored. Cargo hauling is really boring.

Camera goes to the bridge. Tener walks in leading another nameless yellow-shirt.

Tener - Alright, here’s No-Name #2.

No-Name #2 - Wow, the bridge! I didn’t know this ship even had a bridge!

Senseless - Alright, well, try to last longer than your predecessor.

No-Name #2 - Okey dokey, sir.

Beep, beep, beep! The operations console starts beeping.

No-Name #2 - Wow! My first beep, beep, beep!

Senseless - ...Well?

No-Name #2 - It says here... something...

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - More Tholian ships. Shall I have them killed, sir?

Righteous - Meh, let the Prophets handle this one, I think they owe us a few favours anyway.

Boom, ship rocks, operations console explodes again.

No-Name #2 - AH! GAK! (Dies)

Bios - Well... saw that coming.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Garell - Ah damn... they’ve knocked out our engines. I have to take care of this. I’ll have them back online in five minutes, tops.

She initiates a site to site transport and beams herself to Main Engineering. There, she picks up a phaser, sets it to kill, and waves it around the room at the nameless engineers who are milling about already fixing stuff.

Garell - Listen up, everyone!

Everyone stops what they’re doing and looks at the chief engineer.

Garell - If the engines aren’t working in five minutes, people start dying.

The engineering crew scream and scramble to fix the engines.

Garell (tapping combadge) - Garell to bridge, everything is under control.

Camera goes back to the bridge.

Genocide - Sir, one of the ships has come along side us... they’ve extended some kind of docking tunnel... They’re cutting through the hull, deck 12, section 6... near the cargo bays... hmmm...

Senseless - Oh come off of it, there’s no weapons in there. Tener, organize a security team and keep them out until Garell can get the engines back online. Genocide, take care of their friends in the other ships.

Genocide - Woo hoo! Work time!

Tener - I find your enthusiasm slightly disturbing.

Baque - Slightly? I’d have to say our maniac of a tactical officer here is the most disturbing person on the ship.

Suddenly Doctor Puker bursts onto the bridge covered in blood and holding something in his hand.

Puker - Who wants a new spleen!?! I’ve got a fresh one right here! Don’t worry, the donor doesn’t need it anymore... well, at least, he didn’t say he needed it.

Baque - I stand corrected.

Scene 4 - Some random corridor. Two security guards are already in place and taking aim at a glowing bulkhead as Tener and several more phaser-wielding yellow-shirts show up.

Tener - What’s the situation?

No-Name #3 - The Tholians are trying to cut through the hull... the temperature on the other side of that bulkhead is something like 480 degrees Kelvin.

Tener - Well, nothing left to do but leave.

No-Name #3 - What??

Tener - That’s right. Move out, people.

The No-Names shrug and move down the corridor.

Tener - Computer, isolate section 6 with a level six forcefield.

Bzzzt! The forcefield engages as the bulkhead breaks open. Three Tholians burst into the room, then stop.

No-Name #3 - What now, sir?

Tener - Now, we watch The Weather Channel.

Weatherman - The forecast today on the USS Celestial calls for a balmy 20 degrees Celsius—

Tholian #1 - High Pitched Squeaky Noise (Translation: Wow, we really should have thought this through.)

Bam! The Tholians shatter into a million super-heated pieces. Tener drops the forcefield.

Tener - Alright, let’s test out a long-held myth: Take their remains and see if you actually can make Tholian silk. If not, then the myth is busted... got it?

No-Name #3 - I like this job!

Suddenly, the engines come back online and Baque veers sharply to starboard. The Tholian ship breaks free of the Celestial and the hallway Tener and his group are in is exposed to space.

Tener - Oh son of a—

Woosh! He manages to grab a hold of a door frame, but the No-Names are not so lucky.

No-Name #3 - I’m too expendable to die...!

Splat! The No-Names, flying through space, are hit by a Tholian ship, which is then destroyed by a quantum torpedo. Another forcefield finally seals the breach.

Tener - Well, it was bound to happen.

Scene 5 - Space. The Celestial is under attack... again... by Tholians... again... they don’t give up... their ships are like the size of shuttlecraft but they keep on attacking something that’s nearly as big as a Sovereign. Seriously, like, wtf?

Righteous - Captain’s log, we’re running out of ops guys...

“Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen starts playing as No-Name after No-Name get killed while working the ops station.


No-Name #4 - What does this button do?

Bzzzzt! He beams himself into space.


No-Name #7 - Waffles!

He stabs a waffle with a fork but it goes through the plate and into the console where it electrocutes him.


No-Name #10 - I smell burnt toast!



No-Name #13 - Oh yeah, like I’m gonna last long with a number like that...

She puts a phaser to her head and pulls the trigger.


No-Name #18 - Ooooh they built the ship Titanic, to sail the ocean blue, and they thought they had a ship, that the water would never leak through! It was on its maiden trip when the snowball hit the ship, it was sad when the great ship went—

PZZZZZT!!! Several phaser blasts fly across the bridge from various locations and put an end to No-Name #18’s terrible singing.


No-Name #25 walks into sickbay with a papercut... and she never walks out... because injured No-Names just can’t be saved...


No-Name #29 bangs his knee on the console.

No-Name #29 - AH! This is the worst pain ever!

Worf materializes on the bridge and shoots him.

Worf - Enough complaining! I... can’t even remember why I do that anymore.


No-Name #36 - Uh guys?

The rest of the bridge officers turn around and see that No-Name #36 has a spoon sticking out of her forehead.

No-Name #36 - Permission to leave the bridge?

Righteous - Granted.

No-Name #36, being careful not to jiggle the spoon too much, walks through the turbolift doors and falls 10 decks to her death.


No-Name #42 chokes on a pretzel and dies.


No-Name #46 just explodes randomly. “Another One Bites the Dust” finally stops playing. The entire senior staff are present.

Senseless - This got ridiculous after about the third time it happened.

Puker - Spontaneous Vulcan Combustion... not every day you see that.

Blavik (raising an eyebrow) - Indeed...

Righteous - Da, da, da... another one bites the dust... da, da, da... another one bites the-

Baque - With no due respect, sir, shut up.

Righteous - Fine...

Garell - James, tell me you have someone more qualified on that list?

Tener - I arranged the names from most qualified to least competent... so no.

Bios - What if we were to get Lieutenant Scratcher from the USS Saratoga? I’m sure Captain Farfetched would understand our predicament and be willing...

Everyone Else - No!

Bios - Just a thought...so, no more names on that list, Lieutenant?

Tener - Well... there is one person left... she signed herself up.

Senseless - At this point we don’t have anything to lose... send her to my office for an interview.

Tener - If you say so, sir... if you say so...

Tener leaves the bridge. More Tholian ships arrive and start shooting again.

Genocide - I’d sure like to know what they’re so interested in that’s in our cargo bays... if it were “relief supplies” they wouldn’t be so willing to sacrifice so many ships...

Senseless - Theorize all you want, but there are no weapons in that cargo bay.

Genocide - Only time will tell... only time... (under his breath) and maybe a full internal scan...

Scene 6 - The Captain’s Ready Room, aka Senseless’s office. A young woman of about 23 sits in a chair, chewing bubblegum and twirling her blond hair around her finger. Senseless walks in and sits across the desk from her.

Senseless - Glad you could make it, Ensign Casey.

Casey - Like, oh my god! I was talking to Kiesha and she’s all like “did you hear the ops job opened up?” and I was like “No way!” and she was all like “you should so apply for it girl” and I was like “get out!” and she was like “no really, you’d be great at it” so I was like “Okay, what do I got to lose, right?” and then that’s like how I ended up applying for this job but then Lieutenant Tener said like I was like at the end of the list or whatever and I was all like “oh well,” and like this is soooooooo cool!

Senseless’s left eyebrow raises up as high as humanly possible.

Senseless - Riiiiiiiggggghhhhhhhhhhtttttt.......... Um....

He presses a few buttons on the laptop computer in front of him and pulls up Ensign Casey’s resume. It says the following:

Ensign Casey

Senseless - Um... so do you have any skills that you might have left out of your resume?

Casey - Well I’ve been told I’m good in—

Senseless - On second thought, I probably don’t want to know. Well, as they say, the 47th time is the charm... you’re hired.

Casey - That is like so awesome!

Senseless (under his breath as Casey jumps around in joy) - I’m gonna regret this...

Scene 7 - Bridge. Senseless walks out leading the new operations officer.

Senseless - Alright everyone, let me introduce our new chief of operations... Ensign Casey.

Casey - Cool! I’ve like always wanted to meet you people! This is so freaking cool!

She runs around and shakes hands with the entire bridge staff.

Baque - Casey... is that your first name or your last name?

Casey - First.

Baque - What’s your surname?

Casey just shrugs and goes over to the operations console. Baque goes over to Senseless.

Baque (quietly) - Commander...

Casey - Oh sweet! Waffles!

Baque (still being quiet) - Is this the best we can do?

Senseless - She’s the last person on the ship who even remotely knows how to do Center’s old job.

Baque - She’s a walking blond joke!

Casey - Ooh, there’s like a phaser holder here too!

She picks up the phaser and starts fiddling with it. Genocide quickly takes it from her.

Genocide - Um, this one is defective... I’ll get you a new one.

Genocide takes the phaser to Bios.

Genocide (quietly) - Make it defective and then put it back in its place... I don’t trust her to know how to use one properly.

As Bios starts jabbing screw drivers into the phaser, Genocide’s console starts beeping.

Genocide - Company!

Righteous - Red alert! All hands to battlestations!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Genocide - They’re targeting the bridge!

Boom, ship rocks some more, more sparks.

Genocide - Dorsal shields are down!

Bzzzzzzt! Several Tholians, this time wearing environmental suits, materialize and start shooting around the room, killing No-Names. The senior officers start shooing back. Ensign Casey runs across the bridge and grabs the phaser Bios had been working on. She aims it at a Tholian and pulls the trigger, but instead of firing a beam, it simply starts making noises.

Casey - Huh, I guess it is defective!

The briefing room doors open and six more Tholians start to come out. Casey tosses the phaser over her shoulder, where it goes through the briefing room doors and the Tholians look back at it. It then promptly explodes and sends the six Tholians flying through the air.

Baque (picking himself off the floor) - Sheesh, these Tholians don’t give up. I’d say we’re in more trouble than the Enterprise was when they put a mirror in Kirk’s quarters.

Scene jumps to the original Enterprise, which is at red alert. Captain Kirk, however, is still in his quarters, smiling at himself in the mirror.

Kirk - Kirk... James Kirk... James T. Kirk... James Tiberius Oh-My-God-I’m-Awesome Kirk... alllllright! Time to kick some Klingon ass!

Camera goes back to the Celestial’s bridge.

Senseless (watching more Tholian ships besiege the viewscreen) - I wish we could somehow find out what they want, but they won’t even answer our hails.

Casey - I could like hack their communication systems, if you want.

Bios - Wait... not even I can do that.

Casey - Hang on, I’ll like cross polarize our secondary like deflector and use it to like activate their comm systems.

A Tholian ship explodes randomly.

Casey - Oops, wrong button.

She starts humming something as she works the console. Suddenly, a surprised Tholian appears on the viewscreen.

Righteous - Wow... hey, Mr. Tholian... why are you attacking us?

Tholian - Because... we just don’t like you... and your cargo can’t be allowed to get to that colony! Hand it over!

Righteous - You want relief supplies? But you didn’t ask for any!

Tholian - Relief supplies? You’re transporting weapons! We won’t let you arm those colonists!

Boom, ship rocks, sparks.

Righteous - They’re relief supplies! Why would Starfleet lie to us about that!

Tholian - Enough talking! Prepare to die! A long, horrible death! Yeah! Die!!!!!!!

WHAM! The screen goes all static-like and then cuts out, being replaced with a “Signal Lost” message.

Genocide - The buggers rammed us!

Righteous - Hey, that’s our last ditch move!

Garell walks onto the bridge, already in bitching mode.

Garell - Who let that ship ram us!?! I want a name! Was it you Genocide? No, probably Baque... ah, to hell with it, I’m gonna kick you both in the ass...

She spies Ensign Casey, then turns toward the rest of the bridge crew.

Garell (thumbing behind her) - Who’s that?

Righteous - That’s our new ops guy... err...girl.

Garell - Great, more humans...

She storms off the bridge.

Scene 8 - Genocide stumbles into a different cargo bay onboard the Celestial, holding a phaser.

Genocide - Time to find out what the Tholians are so interested in.

As he walks slowly between the cargo containers, a flash of orange jumps behind him and knocks over a small crate. Genocide wheels around aims his phaser. When nothing moves, he cautiously edges around the corner, his phaser at the ready. Suddenly, a large orange tabby cat pounces at him and knocks him to the floor. His phaser goes flying and the cat, which is a good metre long, puts a clawed paw to his throat.

Genocide - What the hell?!

Cat - Commander Genocide?

Genocide - Mittens?!?!

Mittens - Maybe... or maybe I’m a Changeling infiltrator, so don’t tell me anything that could be used against the Federation! What the hell are you doing here!?

Genocide - Uh... I live here!

Mittens - I meant what are you doing in the cargo bay?

Genocide - Trying to find out why the Tholians are going so far out of their way to make our day miserable.

Mittens - Oh... well, that makes sense... I guess.

Genocide - What are you doing here? The last time I saw you, you were announcing a race that nearly got us all killed!

Mittens - That’s classified.

Genocide - Did Admiral Spot send you to turn that colony that we’ve yet to describe into our allies?

Mittens - That’s classified.

Genocide - What department are you with? Starfleet Intelligence? Section 31?

Mittens - That’s classified also.

Genocide - Well why are you hiding from us?

Mittens - That too is classified.

Genocide - How do the Tholians know—

Mittens - Classified.

Genocide - What is—

Mittens - Classified.

Genocide - Is there anything you can tell me that isn’t classified?

Mittens - Sorry, that’s classified.

Scene 9 - Bridge. Righteous, Baque, Bios, Senseless, Tener, Garell, Blavik, Puker, and a talkative Casey are present.

Casey - ...And I was all like “you’re full of b.s.” and he was all like “I beg your pardon, ma’am?” and I’m like “there is no way there’s an inverted waterfall on this planet” and he’s like “see for yourself” and I’m like looking and stuff and it is soooo true! The water really falls upward, out of the troposphere and then re-condenses and falls back as rain. The whole time you’re there like all your hear is water sloshing around or falling or dripping or running down rivers or like you hear waves and puddles and... I have to go to the bathroom now...

Ensign Casey skips off the bridge.

Righteous - Well, I for one like her.

Baque - Fancy that.

Senseless - She seems competent enough, and she’s survived more than five minutes, so I’m guessing she’s a keeper.

Garell - I for one am launching an official protest with Starfleet Command. I’m sure there’s a rule that says something about hiring visible minorities in certain percentages and I doubt we meet that. Now Solaris... do you know how many humans they have in their senior staff? Two. That’s right, eight senior officers and only two of them are human. The rest are non-human, as would be expected in a society that is supposedly free of racism and—

Bios - As the one who represents the most visible minority on the ship, I can honestly say I’d like you to shut up, ma’am.

Garell - How are you the most visible minority?

Bios - Well, for starters, I’m the only Bynar on the ship at the moment. Secondly, I technically have no gender, but you people keep referring to me as female. Seems a little sexist, doesn’t it?

Garell - ...But you look female, more or less. That, and every Bynar ever portrayed on screen was played by a female actor. What other pronoun are we supposed to use? It?

Bios - Ya see? Your languages don’t have the proper pronoun structures in place. If anyone should be complaining, it should be me, but I don’t because I know it’s no one’s fault. It’s just the way the fates happened that Righteous hired the first people he could find. So with no due respect, ma’am, shut the hell up.


Righteous - Where did Ensign Casey go? She was telling us a wonderful story about the inverted waterfalls of Dratex VII.

Baque - She probably got lost.

Genocide bursts onto the bridge, which isn’t an easy feat since the only real entrance is via turbolift, and it’s hard to burst out of a turbolift car... well... unless you use a phaser to blow the doors apart, which he did.

Genocide - Guess who I found lurking in our cargo bays?

Righteous - The Emissary?

Genocide - No! Mittens! And now he’s trying to kill me!!!

Senseless - What the heck are you talking about now?

Genocide - Do any of you remember that cat Admiral Spot hired to announce the race we were in with the USS Avenger back in the second season?

Baque - All I remember is we kicked their collective asses.

Genocide - Well, he says I know too much so now he’s trying to kill me!

Puker - Time for another psychological evaluation, Mr. Genocide... come with me to sickbay.

Genocide - I’m not crazy! He’s trying to kill me!

Senseless - Look, none of us doubt that Mittens is onboard, it seems fairly normal for random people to just show up unannounced... but I highly doubt he wants to kill you.

Blavik - Mittens is a race announcer. Logic dictates he must be heading for a race somewhere near where we are going.

Genocide - No, he told me—

The turbolift doors open and Casey walks onto the bridge, carrying (no easy feat) a purring Mittens, the massive tabby cat who is covered in scars and is missing part of an ear.

Casey (baby talk) - Who’s a good kitty!? Yes we are! Yes we are!

Mittens - Purrr... oh hi everyone! I was just on my way to a race the Tholians are holding and I thought I’d hitch a ride with you. You’ll find the travel documents in your ship’s computer. Sorry I didn’t get around to letting you know I was onboard, but the battles scared me into hiding.

Righteous - That’s okay, we forgive you.

Mittens - Congrats on finding a new operations officer.

Senseless - Thanks. So, if the Tholians know you’re onboard, why are they attacking us?

Mittens - They don’t know I’m onboard. They probably think you’re carrying weapons or something.

Senseless - But we’re not, we’re carrying relief supplies.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks. More Tholians attacking from port... go figure.

Senseless - Here we go again...

Genocide - Commander, I think Mittens here would—

He spies Mittens giving him an evil look that says “shut up if you want to live” and changes his mind mid sentence. No one else seems to notice it.

Genocide - ...like to go somewhere safer than the bridge.

Senseless - Good idea. Tener?

Tener - This way, Mr. Mittens.

The two leave the bridge with Blavik and Puker as everyone else goes to their stations.

Baque - These guys don’t give up, do they?

Boom, ship rocks, more sparks.

Genocide - Firing phasers.

One by one the Tholian ships explode.

Genocide - If this is supposed to be this episode’s climax, it’s very anti-climactical.

Righteous - Oh stop your complaining. Helm boy, how much longer until we reach this colony?

Baque - Assuming no more interruptions, five minutes.

Righteous - Than all ahead full... Jack, what does that mean, “all ahead full?”

Senseless - It essentially means “go forward at full impulse.”

Righteous - Then why not say that?

Senseless - It’s an old maritime saying.

Righteous - You know frankly I don’t see why the Atlantic Provinces of that place you guys call Canada get to have to many weird sayings imprinted into our culture.

Senseless - Sir, maritime refers to any seagoing-

Righteous - Spare me your incessant technobabble... I get enough of it from the rest of you people.

Garell - You know, I’m still wondering why the Tholians are bothering to attack us. Aside from that run-in with the wall of their web, we haven’t really sustained that much damage in their attacks. It’s almost like the only thing they’re doing is slowing us down...

She trails off and then the rest of the bridge crew, except Righteous and Casey for obvious reasons, come to a startling realization and their eyes go wide.

Senseless, Genocide, Garell, Bios - STEP ON IT!

Baque - You don’t have to tell me twice!

The Celestial puts on a burst of speed and jumps from warp 7 to warp 9.936 in a record three seconds... woot... go them... not.

Casey - Like, what’s everyone so flustered about?

Righteous - Yeah, what’s the big deal? And why isn’t the blue woman here complaining about the engines being used this way?

Senseless - Captain, those ships have been trying to slow us down. They know where we’re going, and they know why. For all we know they’ve already—

Casey - Oh look, I’m like picking up a planetary distress signal from that colony we’re supposed to be like helping! They like say they are, like, under attack by Tholians!

Righteous - Oh that doesn’t sound good... we should help them.

Baque - Entering the system.

Senseless - Third planet on the left, put us in geostationary orbit above their capital city.

The Celestial drops out of warp and bumps into a satellite.

Righteous - Hail them.

Casey - Sure thing, boss.

A Tholian appears onscreen.

Tholian - We’ve annexed this planet in the name of the Tholian Assembly! Leave our space at once!

Everyone looks at each other.

Garell - Ah man, Admiral Nelix is gonna be pissed...

Genocide - There’s something new.

Senseless - What have you done with the native population?

Tholian - Don’t worry, they’re still alive. They will now pay taxes to the Assembly, and follow our rules and laws... and they’ll have a dozen new holidays... But no rebelling!!! Or we’ll slaughter them!

Senseless - Sounds fair enough... um... we’ve got some relief supplies... in the interest of not going to war over this, would you distribute them amongst the population?

Tholian - We’ll need to inspect the cargo, but that should be acceptable... we’re sending transport coordinates. Nameless Colony containing Nameless Aliens who are now subjugated by the Tholian Assembly out.

The screen goes blank.

Tener (comm) - Tener to Genocide, I need you down here in transporter room one.

Genocide - On my way.

Scene 10 - Transporter Room 1. Tener is standing outside as Genocide enters.

Tener - Mittens wants to see you, he wouldn’t say why.

Genocide - If I don’t come out, tell my family I died fighting.

Tener - I don’t think they’d believe me if I told them anything else, but why?

Genocide - I’ll tell you later. Go help transport the relief supplies.

Genocide enters the room. Mittens is standing on the transporter pad.

Genocide - What do you want?!

Mittens - I just wanted to say good luck with the future. I’m going down to attend to some business... so long. Oh, and one more thing.

Genocide - Yeah?

Mittens (in a very deep voice) - Don’t, ever, be, alone...

Mittens the cat vanishes in a transporter beam. Genocide shivers and leave the room.

Scene 11 - Earth Spacedock. The Celestial pulls in alongside some nameless ships.

Righteous - Captain’s log, stardate 59760.3. We’re back in Federation space again, and according to Admiral Nelix, we aren’t in any trouble. Apparently Starfleet Command fully counted on the Tholians annexing the colony, since they’ve tried before, hence the need for relief supplies. Long story short, our real mission was to deliver Mittens there. He’s a diplomat, or something like that... end log.

Camera flies over and goes inside one of the spacedock’s observation lounges. Earth is out the window, as is some guy who is cleaning said window from the outside. Captain Amy Castanea of the USS Citadel, Captain Leon Farfetched of the USS Saratoga, and Captain Righteous of the USS Celestial are sitting around a table.

Farfetched - I hear finding this operations person was no easy task.

Righteous - Well, the morgue’s overflowing again, but that’s nothing we can’t handle. So how go the repairs on your ships?

Farfetched - I’m still waiting on a new stardrive section for mine. They’re building a custom one at the Utopia Planitia ship yards in Yard 7.

Castanea - Well, hopefully they’ll do a better job with yours. I got Yard 7 to fix the Citadel... I told the guys I wanted her to fly circles around other ships.

Righteous - And?

Castanea - And now it only flies in circles.

Righteous and Farfetched start laughing, then Farfetched suddenly stops and his eyes go wide.

Farfetched - ...Uh oh.

Commander Shelby (comm) - Captain, the shipyard just called... apparently they’re gonna need a few more days... they put the nacelles on backwards.

Farfetched - Damn it! God damn it!

The End