Chapter 6: “The Real Year of Hell, Part II”

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”


Janeway: “You pedantic drone.”

Braxton: “There better be some surrendering going on.”

Seven: “I’ve decided to rejoin the Borg Collective... And I’ve turned Gay.”

Brannon Braga: “That didn’t happen last time!”

Voiceover: “OH... MY BAD... AND NOW THE CONCLUSION...”

“Captain’s Log... Oh hell, I forget do I use the Stardate or a ‘supplemental’ here? Oh, never mind. I changed my mind about beaming the crew into space after Tuvok said that Starfleet would frown upon it. But since our Reset Button was destroyed, we are trying to find an alternate method of defeating Captain Braxton and restoring Voyager.”

Suddenly... you guessed it... A ship decloaks off the port bow... It’s the Starship Voyager!! Janeway says, “My God, I need to quit spiking my coffee with vodka, I’m seeing things!” The other Voyager hails them and a very, very old Captain Janeway with blue hair appears on screen and says, “Kathryn, I’m from 25 years in your future... I’ve come back in time to stop you from making a terrible mistake.” Younger Janeway gasps, “What... What?? What are you talking about!” Older Janeway responds, “Five years from now, you will try to give yourself a home-perm, and the results will be disastrous. I’ve come back in time to prevent that from happening.” Younger Janeway says, “Thank God you were here!! But, I think I need your help with one other thing...”

Minutes later, the two Janeways have a meeting. Younger Janeway says, “Kathryn... if I may call you Kathryn... The evil Captain Braxton is hell-bent on destroying us. The only way to stop him and restore Voyager to its usual regal beauty, somebody must obliterate Braxton from the timeline.” Older Janeway asks, “You mean... the ‘time’s... up’ maneuver??” Younger Janeway responds, “Exactly, we want you to collide with Braxton’s ship and destroy it. Then the Reset Maneuver will be complete.” Older Janeway says, “Well, why can’t you do it yourself?” Younger Janeway replies, “It sounds dangerous, and it most likely won’t work, and so then I’ll be dead. And I don’t want to be dead.” Older Janeway replies, “Aha... okay, no sweat. Just make me a promise Kathryn... Get your crew home.” Younger Janeway replies, “I will... I will!!” Older Janeway adds, “Make me another promise Kathryn... Violate the Prime Directive as often as possible.” Younger Janeway replies, “I will.... I will!!”

Older Janeway returns to her Voyager and jumps to warp in an effort to find Braxton. Younger Janeway can’t stand the waiting, so she goes to her quarters and watches the new game show, hosted by Mr. Neelix, Who Wants to be a Maquis? Today’s contestant is Tuvok. Neelix asks, “Do you have a problem with destroying Cardassians and/or overthrowing Voyager??” Tuvok responds, “Indeed, I do not.” Neelix asks, “Is that your final answer...”

Suddenly, a ship decloaks off the port bow. It’s the return of the Original Starship Enterprise!! Janeway hails them and Captain Kirk says, “You Klingon bastards, you’ve killed my son!!” Janeway says, “Captain, you pedantic drone, you’re suffering from temporal psychosis, remember??” Kirk barks at Janeway, “I don’t need a lecture from you... I was out saving the galaxy when your grandfather was in diapers.” Janeway responds, “Actually, Captain, my grandfather is 129 years old. And he is still in diapers... Granted, they’re Depends, but still, he is in diapers.”

Kirk accepts that. Minutes later, Kirk and Dr. McCoy beam to Voyager and Kirk says, “So what happened to your ship, why are you so damaged?” Janeway says, “We were attacked by the evil Captain Braxton, no doubt.” McCoy replies, “That green-blooded son of a bitch! ...It’s his revenge for all those arguments he lost.”

Meanwhile, older Janeway locates Captain Braxton’s ship. She sets a collision course. She begins to wonder if this was such a good idea. But then she remembers the need for melodrama, and says to herself, “I must go on.” As she is just meters away from destroying the ship, Janeway suddenly can’t remember the ultimate melodramatic line, “Um... Times... Square?? No. Time.... Out?? No. Time... Zone?? No!! Damn.”

Then Janeway decides to improvise and says, “Pencils... down.” With that, her Voyager crashes into Braxton’s ship and all is as it was before.

Meanwhile, the “real” Voyager is reestablished to its original condition. Captain Kirk hangs around for the big party. Unfortunately the partying gets a little out of hand. Janeway and Kirk drink way too much Romulan ale and their passions get the best of each other. They succumb to their hidden desires and they head to Janeway’s quarters. The two of them get to know each other (in the biblical sense).

Afterwards, Janeway gets up and puts her clothes on and mentions something about having to be on the bridge. Kirk whines and says, “But Kathy, come back to bed, let me give you some more Captain Kirk Sugar Lovin’!!” Janeway looks at him coldly and says, “Time’s....... up” and leaves the room. Captain Kirk is alone, all by himself and he says ever-so-softly, “It was... fun.”