“Captain’s Log: Classified. That basically means I’m too lazy to get off my butt and check the calendar. I’ve looked over our mission files for the last several weeks and have discovered something very disturbing. We have not had a ‘Holodeck Goes Berserk’ adventure or a ‘Return of the Borg Collective... Again’ adventure in several weeks. That means it’s just a matter of time before we have another of those. So I’ve ordered the Holodecks off limits, and I’ve chained Seven of Nine to her alcove in Cargo Bay Two. How that woman can sleep standing up is beyond me.”
Suddenly... Absolutely nothing decloaks off the port-bow. Janeway is disturbed, “Nothing? Nothing is decloaking at all?? This is odd... Go to Red Alert!!” Chakotay says, “Captain? Red Alert?? There isn’t the slightest hint of trouble.” Janeway becomes stern, “Chakotay, I shelled out two thousand bucks for these red flashing lights, and we’re going to get good use out of the damn things... Red Alert!!” So the ship goes to Red Alert.
Tuvok interrupts, “Captain, I am detecting some kind of subspace something or other directly ahead!!” Janeway barks, “How many times to do I have to tell you... technobabble!!” Tuvok rephrases, “Of course, Captain. Um.... How ‘bout this: there is a bi-dimensional phase shift in the space-time continuum at coordinates 4832.103 by 535.3819 by 2031.112 by 4281.4831 by 39103.330.” Janeway replies, “Not your best technobabble, Tuvok, but it will have to do.”
Suddenly the subspace rift races towards Voyager and gobbles it up. Janeway yells, “Report!!!” Kim answers, “We’re not deaf!!” Tuvok continues, “It seems the rift has sent us to some sort of alternate universe.” Janeway is impressed, “Cool!! You mean we finally get our ‘Mirror, Mirror’ episode?” Tuvok says, “Indeed.” Chakotay suggests, “Maybe we should go back through the rift and get back to our own universe.” Tuvok announces, “We can’t. The reverse gear is off line!!”
Suddenly, another ship approaches Voyager... It’s the Starship Voyager!! Janeway groans, “My God, how many damn Voyagers are there??” Tuvok answers, “Including this one, and the two duplicates, and all the ones from different time frames: 919.” Janeway says, “Hail them!!”
The Alternate Universe Captain Janeway comes on screen and says, “I am Alternate Universe Captain Janeway of the Alternate Universe Starship Voyager.” Regular Janeway says, “Captain, what has happened to your Voyager? It looks like it has suffered some extreme damage, no doubt.”
Alternate Janeway explains, “No kidding, you pedantic drone. You see, in our universe, we deal with reality. Our ship has been damaged by the Hirogen, the Malon, the Vidiians, the Kazon, the Borg, Species 8472, Species 8473 and Species 4.” Regular Janeway says, “Well you obviously aren’t a very good captain, Captain. My ship is in the same mint condition it was in when we arrived in the Delta Quadrant.”
Alternate Janeway replies, “You see, dear Janeway, your ship has one luxury we do not have: Your Reset Button.” Regular Janeway plays dumb, “Reset Button? What’s that?” Alternate Janeway says, “Don’t insult my intelligence, Kirk.” Regular Janeway answers, “Give us some time to recall the data on our computers...” Brannon Braga then rushes on stage and says, “You ladies are lapsing into Star Trek II again, how many times have I told you??” Alternate Janeway is disappointed, “You lie!! On Ceti Alpha Five there was life... A fair chance!!” Braga slaps both of them back to their senses.
Alternate Janeway says, “Okay Captain, you have exactly 10 minutes to hand over your Reset Button to me, or I will destroy you.” Regular Janeway is upset, “Stand by.” The view screen goes blank and she says to her crew, “Since I really enjoyed saying it once before we are going to do this again. I’m enacting the Omega Directive... The Prime Directive is rescinded for the rest of this mission. I’m also enacting the Voyager Directive: Plot holes and continuity are rescinded for the rest of this mission!!”
Alternate Janeway hails them again, “What is it going to be, Captain??” Regular Janeway says, “Do your worst, Janeway. I must warn you, our ship is equipped with Corbomite... No, better yet: Janeway-omite. Anything you shoot at us will damage your ship.” Paris chimes in, “Captain, I think you’re thinking of: ‘I’m rubber you’re glue, anything you say bounces off me and sticks to you...’” Regular Janeway slaps Regular Paris and says, “Pedantic drone!”
Alternate Janeway says, “Your Jedi Mind Tricks aren’t going to work on me, dear Janeway... Alternate Tuvok, lock Alternate Phasers on Regular Voyager!!”
Suddenly, a ship decloaks off the port bow. (They were running late.) It’s the Alternate Universe Equinox!! They hail Regular Voyager and Alternate Captain Ransom appears on the screen. Regular Janeway says, “Ransom!! You’re supposed to be dead!! And your ship, how come your ship is in mint condition??” Alternate Ransom says, “Hi, Captain!! You forget you’re in an alternate universe. If Voyager is in shambles in this universe, then the Equinox must be in ship-shape. (No pun intended.)”
Tuvok says, “Hmmmmm... Indeed... There is logic to what he is saying.” Alternate Ransom says, “Hmmmm... Indeed... You’re way more boring than the Tuvok of this universe. Now that guy knows how to party. I remember this one time he got the Delaney sisters drunk and he pretended he was having the pon farr and...”
Regular Janeway interrupts, “No time, Ransom!! Will you help us defeat Alternate Voyager??” Alternate Ransom says, “Of course, Alternate Max, lock Alternate Phasers on Alternate Voyager... Destroy them.” Moments later the Alternate Voyager is blown into 500 billion small pieces, Alternate Janeway’s last words are, “I doubt you’ve seen the last of us...”
A party is held among the crew of Alternate Equinox and the Regular Voyager. Once again Janeway’s partying gets out of hand and she goes home (so to speak) with Alternate Ransom. Regular Janeway is becoming a regular floozy.
“Captain’s Log: Supplementary Confidential. We have returned to our own universe and have resumed a course home... again. Even though the Alternate Voyager was destroyed into 500 billion small pieces, I doubt we’ve seen the last of them. On a personal note, I’ve begun having morning sickness, in the afternoon. This is either another time paradox, or I am ‘with child.’ And if I am pregnant, who is the father? Captain Kirk?? Alternate Ransom?? Mr. Paris? (a side effect of the time I bore his child in ‘Threshold.’) Or is it Chakotay?? (I took the liberty of extracting a sample of his DNA.) I have an appointment to see the Doctor tomorrow... And I doubt I’ve seen the last of the Doctor.”
Suddenly a message comes in from Cargo Bay Two, “Captain, this is Seven of Nine, I’ve been chained in this Cargo Bay for 9 weeks now, will somebody please come change my water dish?” Janeway says, “See to it, Tuvok.”
Suddenly a message comes in... from Starfleet Command!!! “This is Reginald Barclay from Starfleet.” Janeway is very excited, “Yes!! We can hear you!!” Barclay says, “We can only talk a few moments, the wormhole is about to collapse.” Janeway panics, “Understood, then I must say this quickly... Back home... On Earth... In my old apartment... I think I left the iron on!!!” Barclay says, “Understood, Captain!!”
And the transmission goes dead...