Chapter 14: “It’s a Wonderful Life... Without Seven of Nine”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published December 26, 1999
“Captain’s Log: Twas the Stardate before Christmas and all through the ship, Not a crewman was stirring, ‘cause I glued shut their lips. Ummmm... anyways... We have finalized our plans to save the many B’Elannas from the Legion of Doom. We are approaching the coordinates give to us in last week’s episode. They lead to a Pale Blue Nebula. We’ve decided to call it ‘The Pale Blue Nebula’ ...I just hope we get there in time.”
Suddenly Voyager finds the Enterprise-E waiting near the Nebula. Locutus hails Janeway and says, “Sorry Captain, we would have done the decloaking off your port bow, but the cloaking device is in the shop.”
Janeway says, “Very well. Now we want you to hand over all ten B’Elannas to us... right now!!” Locutus says, “Okay, but first you are to surrender your ship. Captain Sisko will be the new Captain of Voyager. Captain Kirk will get to marry you, Janeway. And I will get to marry Seven of Nine.”
Janeway then says, “Ha ha!! You pedantic drones. You don’t understand, you will beam the ten different B’Elannas over to my ship right now, otherwise I will destroy this ship and everyone on it. And then none of you would reach your objectives!!”
Chakotay chimes in, “Um Captain, what’s with all this self-destruction stuff??” Janeway then says, “Computer! This is Captain Janeway. Let’s do the self-destruct thing. Authorization: banana cream pi: 110. Set the countdown for 7 minutes 41 seconds... No, better yet... 7 minutes and 40 seconds... Mwaaa-haaa-haa-ha!!”
Locutus says, “Cripes!! Foiled again!” At that moment, the ten B’Elannas are beamed aboard Voyager. Janeway says, “It’s a pleasure doing business with you, Locutus. However, I doubt we’ve seen the last of you.” Locutus says, “Hey, if Paramount doesn’t make me producer of the tenth film, then you truly will have seen the last of me.” With that, the Enterprise-E leaves.
Hours later in Sickbay, the Doctor is able to reintegrate the ten B’Elannas into a single person. But unfortunately, he made some sort of error and didn’t account for the fact that each of the B’Elannas weighed 115 pounds apiece. So basically there was now a 1,150 pound B’Elanna. The Doctor puts her on a very strict diet.
As Torres is returning to her quarters, she runs into Seven of Nine. Seven of Nine makes the foolish mistake of calling Torres “Blubber Butt” and Torres smacks her unconscious... Seven of Nine then begins her out of body experience.
During this experience, Seven meets up with the infamous Q. Q says, “Guess what, Seven? This story has been done on every other program in the world, so we thought we’d try it on Voyager, too. We are going to show you what life would be like if Seven of Nine never existed...”
Q and Seven then pop into the Mess Hall on Voyager. Nothing looks to different until Kes walks in. Seven says, “But... Kes left Voyager years ago!!” Q says, “Oh, but if you never existed, then they would never have fired her.” Seven then says, “Well what about her breasts?? I never remember Kes having boobs that big??” Q says, “Let me explain... Since you never existed, UPN had to find another way to get a big-chested woman on Voyager, so they gave Kes some implants.”
Seven then notices that half of Voyager has been destroyed. “How is that possible?” Seven asks. Q says simply, “No Seven of Nine, no nanoprobes. Without your nanoprobes to save the ship each week, Janeway had to use the Reset Button more often then expected. It led to an overload and caused all this damage.”
Seven says, “Wow!! The damage to Voyager has been extreme!!” Q says, “Oh, well actually this happened just yesterday, so it’ll be fixed by morning.”
Q then takes Seven to Cargo Bay 2. Seven looks around and sees a bright shiny ball hanging from the ceiling. There’s some crew members dancing on what looks like a dance floor, and the DJ is playing several dance songs by Abba. Seven says, “Okay... Explain this one!!” Q says, “Well since you never existed, Voyager never had to turn Cargo Bay 2 into your silly Borg alcove. They were able to use Mr. Tuvok’s idea of turning Cargo Bay 2 into a gigantic dance club.”
Seven is shocked, “What?? Tuvok wanted to create a disco club??” Q says, “Yes, because you never existed, you were unable to stop Tuvok from discovering the disco music from the 1970s. Tuvok embraced it and is now trying to get some people together to create a band: The Village People: The Next Generation.”
Seven is angered, “Hey, now I saw It’s a Wonderful Life, you are supposed to show me things that tell me how bad Voyager is because I never existed.” Q says, “Now why would I do that?? I have a single purpose here, I am trying to prove to the Paramount people that Voyager will be much better off without Seven of Nine.” Seven screams, “Khaaaaaaaaaaan!!!” Q interrupts, “Um, that line was taken already.” Seven tries again, “QQQQQQQQQQQ!!!”
Suddenly, Seven of Nine comes to in Sickbay. She realizes it was just a bad dream. She then says, “I’ve discovered the true meaning of Christmas.” Then Seven gets up and starts running around the ship saying, “Merry Christmas, Shuttle Bay!!... Merry Christmas, Holodeck Two!!... Merry Christmas, Transporter Room One!!... Merry Christmas, Warp Core!!” Janeway pulls Seven aside and slaps her across the face and says, “Oh stop already!”
“Captain’s Yule Log: Supplemental. The Christmas holiday has come and gone. I had to put Lt. Torres on report after she used the transporter beam to shed her excess 1,000 pounds. Basically I’m mad because I thought for sure she could dress up like Santa Claus. I counted all the gifts and I easily got more than anybody else on the ship. I’m so popular! Unfortunately, there were two crew members who did not give me presents: Ensign Kyoto and Mr. Ayala. Note to computer: Time to order some new uniforms for Kyoto and Ayala. They will now be wearing the cursed red shirts!! Mwaaa Ha Ha Ha Ha!”
Suddenly, Tuvok announces that a message is incoming from Locutus. Janeway puts it on the screen. Locutus says, “Good news, Janeway. I doubt you’ve seen the last of me. You see, Paramount finally decided to put me in charge of the tenth Star Trek movie. And you’ll never guess what it’s going to be called: Star Trek Ten: The Painful Agonizing Torturing Destruction of the Starship Voyager.
Janeway says, “Oh my God!!!!” Chakotay says, “I know! Isn’t it exciting?? We are finally going to get our own motion picture!!” Janeway says, “Chakotay, you pedantic drone, don’t you realize?? They are going to destroy Voyager in this tenth film!!” The light-bulb goes off on top of Chakotay’s head and he says, “Oooooh. I see your point...”