Chapter 15: “Why, oh Why? Why, Y2K, Why?”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published December 31, 1999
“Captain’s Log: Stardate 53999.999999. I hope that means New Year’s Eve because that is what I was going for. Oh the Hell with it, I’m the Captain, after all... Captain’s Log: New Year’s Eve. We were pleased to learn that Locutus’ plan to destroy Voyager in the tenth film was shot down by Paramount. We have now resumed a course toward home... again. I’m debating my two alternatives for spending this New Year’s Eve. Making life a living hell for my crew or going to Holodeck Two for an intimate encounter with Dick Clark in Times Square. Oh, the decisions of a Starfleet Captain...”
Suddenly, it’s the return of the Enterprise-A, decloaking off the starboard bow. Janeway hails Captain Kirk and says, “The starboard bow?? Are you out of your psychotic mind?? You know all decloaking is supposed to happen off the port bow!!” Kirk, who is quickly becoming more temporally psychotic says, “Captain, I can explain.” Janeway yelps, “How??” Kirk replies, “I reprogrammed the simulation, so it was possible to save the ship... I got a commendation for original thinking!!”
Janeway says, “Ugh!! What do you want Kirk?” Kirk says, “Well, Locutus and Sisko couldn’t make it to this attempt at revenge. They were busy trying to create another storyline with the Ba’ku Planet.” Janeway says, “I don’t blame you for not joining them.” Kirk continues, “Anyways, I’ve come here to zap you with the evil laser beam.”
Still demented, Kirk says, “Well, now that I’ve zapped you with the laser beam, I will be on my way.” Janeway whispers to the crew, “The fool! He forgot to zap us!! No matter what happens, nobody tell Captain Kirk that he forgot to zap us!!”
At that point, Neelix rushes to the bridge and says, “Captain Kirk!! You forgot to zap us with the laser beam!!” Janeway slaps Neelix and says, “Why??” Neelix replies, “Was I going to appear in this episode otherwise??” Janeway says, “Okay, well I see your point there...”
Captain Kirk then says, “Oh yeah!! Thanks a lot, Gilligan little buddy!” With that, the Enterprise-A zaps the Voyager and Captain Kirk cryptically says, “Yes... we’ve been through death and life together.” And the Enterprise-A warps away.
Janeway yells at Tuvok, “Status report!!” Tuvok says, “Well, I’ve been having problems digesting vegetables lately. Not only that, but I find for some reason that I have to use the restroom several times in one night. And that presents a problem as I don’t even know where the bathroom is on Voyager... furthermore...”
”Tuvok!!” Janeway screams, “Too much information!! How about a ship’s status report?” Tuvok says, “Ooooooh. Well, the laser beam hasn’t caused us the slightest bit of trouble. Long range sensors show nothing wrong with Voyager.” Chakotay asks, “What about the short range sensors?” Tuvok responds, “Same thing. The laser beam has given us no damage. And I am disappointed, actually, I had worked up some fantastic new technobabble that I’ve been dying to use!!” Janeway says, “Very well, Tuvok. Another time, perhaps. Mr. Paris, set a course toward home... again.”
The blonde female in the conn chair spins around and says, “I am not Mr. Paris.” Janeway says, “Oh yeah, you’re that broad who works the night shift!! Well set a course toward home, Nightshift Girl.”
Hours later... as the clock nears midnight... The crew of Voyager gathers together hoping for their New Year’s kiss. Janeway stands near Chakotay. Mr. Paris stands near B’Elanna. The Doctor stands near Seven of Nine. Mr. Kim stands near Tuvok and says, “We really need some more girls on this ship.” Tuvok says, “Indeed.” And Mr. Neelix stands near the inflatable woman that he altered to look like Kes. And then... The Big Countdown... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
FWOOSH!! Suddenly all the lights go dark. Artificial gravity quits working. Janeway yells, “What the hell’s going on??” Paris says, “The laser beam!! It must have zapped us with the Y2K Bug!! It has crashed all of our computers!!” Chakotay asks, “Y2K?? Correct me if I’m wrong here, but aren’t we in the 24th century? Some 350 years after Y2K??” Janeway says, “Oh Chakotay!! Must you always be such a nitpicker?? I suppose you’re one of those idiots who say ‘Well, the 21st century doesn’t really start until 2001’... Aren’t you?”
Chakotay reaches out to strangle Janeway, but decides otherwise after realizing it would probably be frowned upon. Janeway says, “We have to find a way to bring up the computer system, no doubt.”
Tuvok says, “I have an idea Captain, but I don’t think you’ll like it.” Janeway says, “Anything!! I’m desperate! As long as it doesn’t involve Seven of Nine and her damn nanoprobes!!” Tuvok answers, “It involves Seven of Nine and her damn nanoprobes.” Janeway says, “Nooooo!!”
Janeway pulls herself together and approaches Seven of Nine and asks, “Seven, are your nanoprobes Year 2000-Compliant?” Seven responds, “I’m afraid not, Captain. The Borg deemed the Y2K threat as irrelevant.” Janeway says, “Curses!!”
Then Tuvok says, “I have another idea... But you might not like it, Captain.” Janeway responds, “Well go ahead Tuvok, lay it on me.” Tuvok says, “For some unknown, stupid reason. The main computer date field program can be accessed on the outside of Voyager’s hull.” Janeway asks, “Torres, Why the hell would they put it on the outer hull in outer space??” Torres says, “It helps the plot.”
Janeway answers, “Oooooh... I gotcha. So Tuvok, somebody can take a space suit and go to the hull and reprogram Voyager’s computer, right?” Tuvok says, “Well, not really... This is the problem Captain, and I don’t think you’re going to like it.” Janeway grows tiresome, “Just spill it, Tuvok!!” Tuvok says, “The space suits are not Y2K-compliant either. So somebody must go into space without a space suit and reprogram the computer. The person will save Voyager, but they will be killed in the process.”
Janeway says, “Oh... You’re right, I don’t like that very much. Well, who do we have on board who is best trained to do the job?” Tuvok says, “I know who we can send. And fortunately, you will like this idea very much!!” Janeway says, “Really? Who?? Who must die in order to save Voyager??” Tuvok answers, “Wesley Crusher.” Janeway says, “Oh Tuvok, I love you!!” And Tuvok and Janeway exchange high-fives.
Minutes later, Wesley Crusher is outside in deep space, holding on to Voyager’s hull for dear life. The crew listens closely as Wesley explains his progress, “My oh my... It is cold in space. Let’s see, I’m reprogramming the thing. Oh my, I’m quickly running out of air. Wait, wait... Wait... I’ve got it!! Programming complete!!”
With that, all of Voyager’s main systems come back on line. Torres says, “Great!! And Wesley is still alive, we can beam him back on board now!!” Janeway says, “Torres, if you ever want a promotion, I suggest you tell me right now that it will take a good two days to get the transporters back on line.” Torres can read between the lines and she says, “Well actually Captain, it might take a good three weeks!!” Torres and Janeway exchange high-fives.
“Captain’s Log: Supplemental. It’s been about ten weeks and Torres informs me that the transporter is finally working again. I suppose we should check to see if Crusher is still alive and holding on to the hull for dear life. Nah, why waste the sensors. I’m sure he’s quite dead. Although I just can’t get this sentence out of my system: I doubt we’ve seen the last of him.”
Suddenly, Voyager receives an incoming message from the Legion of Doom. It’s Kirk saying, “Well played, Janeway. I look forward to our next encounter. I would tell you what it is, but I forgot.” Then Locutus takes over, “Oh Janeway!! You think you’re so clever. But you can’t win forever. Remember these words, Janeway: All good things come to an end.” Then Sisko takes over the message, “And remember these words Janeway: What you leave behind.” Locutus says, “What the hell does that mean, Sisko??” Sisko says, “Oh, you can mention your final episode in the message and it’s not a problem, but I mention mine and you make a Federal case out of it... I’m going to kick your little bald butt...”
The message terminates...