Chapter 16: “Is that Egg on Janeway’s Face?”

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

“Captain’s Log: Stardate 54014.5. We have resumed a course toward home... again. I’ve gotten a disturbing telegram from Starfleet Command. First of all, I was disturbed by the fact that we still use telegrams in the 24th century. But most disturbing was the announcement that Starfleet Command has decided that a major member of the crew must die. I really don’t understand why, they said it has something to do with boosting ratings. So I took a poll of the crew and the overwhelming majority asked for Neelix and Naomi Wildman to be killed. I am currently trying to develop a dangerous shuttle mission for them both to go on, and I’m having them fitted for red shirts...” (insert loud clap of thunder here)

Suddenly, Mr. Kim says, “Captain!! A signal from Starfleet Command is decloaking off the port bow!” Mr. Tuvok says, “Ensign, I find it very unlikely that a signal can decloak.” Mr. Kim looks at Tuvok in anger and says, “Just ruin my dramatic moment, why don’t you???”

Captain Janeway intervenes, “Wait?? What kind of signal is it, a message from the Federation?? Instructions for us to get home?? What??” Mr. Kim says, “Even better!! It’s cable TV, Captain!!” Janeway screams, “Hot Damn!! Download it into the ship’s memory. We can finally have the one thing that the Delta Quadrant has been unable to provide us with... Nick At Nite!!”

Janeway’s jubilation is short-lived when she realizes that she must still find a way to kill off Neelix and Naomi. She secretly borrows Tuvok’s book: You Too Can Give Effective Technobabble and studies it carefully.

Hours later, Janeway calls for a meeting. She says, “Long range sensors are showing we are approaching a XYZ-class star.” Chakotay asks, “What about the short range sensors?” Janeway confirms, “Same thing, an XYZ-class star. The distance, 48 light-months.” The crew looks puzzled. Janeway then says, “Sorry... I mean 4 light-years.”

Paris asks, “What is the big deal about an XYZ-class star?” Janeway asks, “What are you doing in this episode?? Where’s that blonde night shift girl?” Janeway then says, “Oh never mind. Anyways, an XYZ star is very important because it can be turned into a wormhole leading directly to the Alpha Quadrant.”

Chakotay asks, “How is this possible??” Janeway tries to remember the technobabble she’d spent hours reciting and says, “The iconometric elements of the star have the ability to be phase-shifted into a sub-nucleonic tetryon that can be depolarized at the hyper-stimulated level to create an anti-temporal multidimensional matrix.”

Chakotay says, “Can you repeat that??” Janeway says, “I don’t think so... Anyways, my analysis shows that if a shuttlecraft carrying one Talaxian life-form and a half-Ktarian life-form is flown into that star, the star will collapse and create the wormhole.”

Chakotay says, “Wow, if only we had somebody on board who was fully Talaxian and another who is half-Ktarian!” Neelix and Naomi look at each other and say, “Cripes!!” Torres interrupts, “Captain!! What kind of analysis are you talking about?? What you are proposing is absolutely absurd!!” Janeway turns to Torres and says, “Hmmm... Maybe I should rerun my scans. Who knows, they might say that we should actually send a half-Klingon female onto the shuttlecraft.” Torres then says, “Never mind... excellent analysis, Captain!”

Janeway says to Neelix and Naomi, “You two are our only hope. If you fly a shuttlecraft into that star, this crew will finally be able to reach home. Unfortunately, you will both be killed in the process.” Neelix and Naomi are terrified and Janeway reassures them, “Now listen, I won’t order you two to do this, this is strictly a voluntarily decision by you both.”

Neelix replies, “Really?? Well then in that case, we’ll be going back to our quarters, now... Ain’t no way are we flying into that star!” Janeway then says, “Well let me rephrase this: You are going, like it or not.”

Neelix asks Chakotay, “Commander?? Can we spare a shuttlecraft?? It would be destroyed as well.” Chakotay answers, “Well, I ran a new inventory. Voyager left the Alpha Quadrant with four shuttlecraft. Over the past five years we have destroyed 15 shuttlecraft. So that brings us to a new total of 35 shuttlecraft in our shuttlebay.” Neelix says, “Who the hell taught you math, Tattoo Man??”

Janeway interrupts, “No time for nitpicking, Neelix. You and Naomi will proceed to the shuttlebay.” Neelix and Naomi are brave... Well actually they aren’t... They break down into tears and say, “Don’t make us go!!!”

After an LSD injection by the Doctor, Neelix and Naomi are in excellent moods and decide to proceed on the XYZ star mission. Neelix and Naomi board the shuttlecraft and leave Voyager, en route to the XYZ star. Janeway gathers the crew together and says, “It would probably be best if we held a silent moment of prayer for the success of the shuttle mission. But instead, I thought we’d all play a fun game of Bingo!” The crew cheers.

Minutes later, the shuttlecraft approaches the XYZ star. Neelix and Naomi are sweating bullets... Mainly because the temperature in the shuttlecraft has reached a pretty uncomfortable 259 degrees. Neelix hails Voyager and says, “Uh, Governor?? Any chance for a last-minute reprieve?” Janeway says, “The only reprieve today will be Voyager’s reprieve from your God-awful cooking and your incredibly annoying good mood.” Neelix whispers to Naomi, “You know, I’ve never really liked Janeway...”

Meanwhile, back on Voyager’s Bridge, Mr. Tuvok makes a shocking announcement: “Bingo!!” he says. Janeway then says, “Okay everybody: Red Alert... Do not clear your cards... We may have a Bingo.” Mr. Kim interrupts the game, “Captain!! The shuttle is about to reach the sun.” Kim puts the visual on screen. The crew watches in horror as the shuttlecraft is vaporized. Neelix hails Voyager one last time, “Neelix to Voyager: Owwwwwww!! Damn it’s hot!! Yowsa!!” With that, the shuttlecraft is destroyed.

The crew watches the XYZ star. Chakotay asks, “Captain, why didn’t the star collapse into a wormhole??” Janeway confesses, “Well, I kind of made that stuff up.” Tuvok says, “I knew it!! You make good technobabble Captain, but that part about the hyper-stimulated stuff was too far-fetched!”

Chakotay says, “Why?? Why did you deliberately allow Neelix and Naomi to be killed for no good reason??” Janeway says, “I had to!! I got this telegram from Starfleet saying I had to do it!!”

Chakotay looks at the telegram, “Janeway, you dolt!! This telegram is in Captain Kirk’s handwriting. The Legion of Doom has put one over on you!!” Janeway says, “Oh dear.” Chakotay continues, “Janeway!! How can you be so stupid, just look at the very last line of the telegram:

‘Thank you for your time,
James T. Kirk
Um, I mean Starfleet Command.’”

Janeway says, “Oh boy!! Now I know how people feel when Alan Funt jumps out of the bushes. Is my face red or what??” Chakotay says, “I’m sorry, Captain. But I am relieving you from duty... And I’m placing you under arrest for crimes you are going to commit.” Kim whispers in Chakotay’s ear, “Commander, you’re stealing from ‘Relativity’ now.”

Chakotay tries again, “I’m relieving you from duty and placing you under arrest for complete and utter stupidity. Tuvok, take her to the brig. Not the small brig either, but the big brig. The brig that doesn’t let people wear wigs, the brig where we keep the pigs.”

Tuvok says, “Oh yes, the No-Wig Big Pig Brig... right away.” Tuvok takes Janeway away and the bridge crew stares at Chakotay, awaiting the new orders of the new Captain. Chakotay says, “Ummmmm...take us out.”

The bridge crew explodes in applause for Chakotay!! Chekov and Scotty beam aboard for a moment. Chekov says, “Wery good, sir.” And Scotty adds, “It brought a tear to me eye...”

And Voyager resumes its course toward home and prepares for the trial of Former Captain Kathryn Janeway...(insert dramatic music here)