Chapter 21: “Our Very Own Titanic”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
“Janeway Impostor’s Log: Stardate 55004.2. First of all, I’d like to say that Harry Kim rules. Harry Kim is so cool. As per the blackmail agreement, I am forced to say those words in every log entry. We have resumed a course toward home... again. Chakotay is not happy that I demoted him in order to make Harry the first officer. I have a suspicion that Chakotay is planning a mutiny. The reason I think that is the hundreds of flyers I’ve seen all over the ship that say: “Join me: Chakotay.... For the Mutiny of the Millennium. Come to the secret planning meeting in the Mess Hall.” I am trying to prepare for what he has planned for me. But for now, I must return to the Bridge. Harry wants me to massage his feet and read him the sports section of the paper.”
Holo-Janeway enters the bridge and sees Wesley Crusher standing there. Holo-Janeway says, “Oh joy! I heard you were still alive, Mr. Crusher.”
Wesley pulls Holo-Janeway aside and whispers, “I know your secret, Holo-Janeway. And I intend to blackmail you, also. Here is my list of demands...”
Holo-Janeway says, “I don’t have time for this.” She pulls out her phaser and shoots Wesley Crusher. His body disintegrates right before their very eyes. The Bridge crew roars in applause!! Holo-Janeway says, “I doubt we’ve seen the last of him...”
At that moment, Mr. Tuvok enters the Bridge. He pulls Holo-Janeway aside and says, “Guess what?? My memory has returned!! I know you are simply a hologram. I intend to blackmail you. Here is my list of demands...”
Meanwhile... Kirk, Janeway, Seven and Locutus have set sail on their Love Boat Starship Cruise. Janeway and Seven try to postpone the wedding night for as long as possible. The two of them keep playing shuffleboard over and over and over. Captain Kirk finally says, “Look!! You ladies are our wives now. You will report to our quarters in one hour... for Wedding Night Duty.”
Locutus agrees, “Make it so.” Janeway and Seven have a look of terror in their eyes. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Janeway sees none other than Leonardo DiCaprio on the ship.
Janeway pulls Seven aside and says, “Seven... Look!! It’s Leonardo DiCaprio!!” Seven says, “Yeah, what a twerp!”
Janeway says, “Don’t you understand?? This means we are on the Starship Titanic. And that means this voyage is doomed!!” Seven says, “How did you ever jump to that conclusion???”
Janeway says, “Dammit, Seven!! Just go along with it!! It’s a plot loophole and quit asking questions!! We have to be ready to escape once the tragedy befalls this ship!”
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
Chakotay is holding his “Mutiny Meeting” in the Mess Hall. It’s very exciting. Neelix is serving pigs in a blanket. Chakotay gives his speech, “Here’s the plan! I will go to the Bridge and begin telling Janeway one of my parables. That usually puts her to sleep. Once she falls asleep, I will tie her up and take her to my quarters.”
Torres chimes in, “Kinky!!”
Chakotay continues, “At which point, I will tickle Janeway until she tells me the command codes. Then I will be in command of the ship, and we will resume a course toward home... again.”
The room seems to be in agreement of the plan. Chakotay continues, “And here is the most important part... Nobody must tell Janeway of our plan. We must have the element of surprise. Do you understand me??? Nobody tells Janeway!!”
From the back of the room, Holo-Janeway says, “Too bad, Chakotay!! I already know!”
Chakotay says, “D’oh!! I guess I shouldn’t have invited Janeway after all! Now my plans are ruined!!”
Holo-Janeway replies, “Not necessarily. I liked the part about being tied up and taken to your quarters...”
The mutiny meeting ends. Tuvok says to Holo-Janeway, “So... remember our deal, Holo-Janeway! You will demote Harry Kim back to Ensign and make me first officer... otherwise I will tell the crew your holographic secret!”
Holo-Janeway then makes a stunning announcement, “I have decided that Harry Kim should be demoted to Ensign. And now Mr. Tuvok will be the first officer!”
Mr. Kim pulls Holo-Janeway aside and says, “Listen here, Holo-Janeway. We had an agreement! You better reinstate me as First Officer, or I will tell everybody your Holographic Secret.” Holo-Janeway laments, “Okay, this is getting really old!”
Meanwhile... back on the Love Boat/Titanic...
Seven panics, “Captain!! We have exactly two minutes to report to our husbands for wedding night duty! What are we going to do??”
Suddenly, Captain Stuebing says, “Oh no!! There’s a subspace iceberg coming right for us!” The subspace iceberg strikes the hull. Captain Stuebing says, “Damage report!!”
The Lone Titanic Ensign answers, “We are losing life-support! We are losing the shuffleboard! The damage to Titanic has been extreme!”
Stuebing replies, “Damn! I knew we should have taken the Voyager! That ship doesn’t give a damn about damage being extreme! Okay, we better abandon ship. Women and children first!”
Locutus arrives and pulls a gun on Stuebing and makes a suggestion, “How about women and Borg drones first??”
Seven and Janeway begin searching for an escape pod. They find one, but Leonardo DiCaprio is in it. Seven turns to Janeway and says, “Don’t worry Captain, I’ll handle this!”
With that, Seven pulls Leonardo out of the escape pod and begins beating the pretty-boy with a baseball bat. Seven says, “I always wanted to do that!!” Seven and Janeway board the escape pod and take off!
Janeway checks the rear-view mirror and sees the Love Boat’s destruction. Janeway says to Seven, “You know what this means??? We’re widows!!” With that, Seven and Janeway exchange high-fives.
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
“Janeway Impostor Log: Supplemental. I’ve made the decision to have two first officers: Mr. Kim and Mr. Tuvok. I pray that nobody else discovers my secret. Because we simply don’t have anymore chairs left on the Bridge.”
Suddenly, Mr. Paris says, “Captain!! There is an escape pod decloaking... Ten kilometers off the port nacelle!”
Commander Kim says, “Don’t you mean ‘The Harry Kim Nacelle,’ Mr. Paris?” Mr. Paris replies, “Whatever.”
Voyager hails the escape pod. And they are stunned to see the real Janeway and Seven of Nine aboard! The real Janeway says, “Hello, Holo-Janeway! I have returned! Your days as the impostor Hologram are over!”
Holo-Janeway laments, “Can’t you just blackmail me like everybody else??” The real Janeway says, “No dice! We’re beaming aboard!” With that, the real Janeway and Seven of Nine board the Bridge. The real Janeway looks at Tuvok and Kim and says, “Why are you two sitting here??” Tuvok says, “We’re the first officer now.”
Janeway starts laughing hysterically, and nearly wets herself and says, “Oh I don’t think so, silly boy! Commander Chakotay, return to the Bridge!”
Kim and Tuvok mutter something obscene under their breaths, and then return to their regular posts. Chakotay returns to the Bridge. Holo-Janeway takes advantage of the confusion and boards the abandoned escape pod. She flies off into warp. Janeway says, “I doubt we’ve seen the last of her...”
Chakotay says, “Oh, I’ve missed the way you say that, Captain!” Janeway whispers to Chakotay, “Now about this idea I heard about... involving ropes and your quarters...”
Mr. Kim interrupts, “Captain! There is a limousine decloaking off the ‘Harry Kim’.... um I mean, port bow!” Janeway chuckles and says, “Hail them... Ensign Kim!”
Again, Mr. Kim mutters something obscene under his breath and the figure appears on screen. The man says, “Good Afternoon. I am Chester T. Schiester, I am the attorney who was assigned as the executor of Locutus and Captain Kirk’s wills. And I have some fantastic news for Janeway and Seven of Nine. The two of you are widows now, and have inherited a lot... You are two very wealthy ladies!!”
Seven says, “I thought money doesn’t exist in the 24th Century...”
Janeway walks over to Seven, slaps her, and says, “Shut up... You pedantic drone. It exists now!”
Meanwhile, Captain Sisko is all that remains of the Legion of Doom... or so it seems. A series of escape pods have joined Captain Sisko. And a meeting is held to introduce the new members: A recently taped-together Wesley Crusher, a holographic female named Holo-Janeway, and a young man named Leonardo, who is very beaten and bloodied.
Captain Sisko says, “Excellent! More Voyager bashers! We have more strength than ever!”
Holo-Janeway says, “What about Kirk and Locutus?? Shouldn’t they be coming back from the dead to join us??”
Captain Sisko replies, “That’ll happen in Chapter 22...”