Chapter 22: “Tinker, Timeless, Threshold, Tuba”

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

“Captain’s Log: Back in the saddle. It’s been over a week since I returned to my duties as captain of Voyager. We have resumed a course toward home... again. And I am about to launch an investigation. I want to know who keeps changing our course!! Because we are forever resuming a course toward home... again. But another time. Seven and I are enjoying the millions we inherited from our dead husbands. I can only hope that our dead husbands don’t come back from the dead... at least until we’ve spent all the money...”

Janeway’s log entry is interrupted when she hears shouting on the Bridge. She runs to the Bridge and screams, “How many times do I have to tell you people not to scream during my log entries???” Tuvok answers, “47, Captain.”

Janeway continues, “So what’s all the ruckus about??” A crying Ensign Kim says, “Commander Chakotay sat on my clarinet. I put it upright in his chair for a moment... And he just came along and sat on it... The bastard!”

Chakotay turns around and a grossed-out Janeway says, “Ewww!! Oh Chakotay, you better get down to Sickbay. And you better hope that the Doctor has a proctology subroutine.”

So Chakotay shuffles his way off to Sickbay and Mr. Kim whines, “Now what will I do when I want to express my musical talents?”

Janeway answers, “I don’t remember anybody saying you were talented, Ensign.”

Suddenly, morale officer Mr. Neelix enters the bridge and saves the day. He says, “Here you go, Mr. Kim. I replicated a tuba for you!”

The Bridge crew stares at the tuba in wonder, each of them thinking, “Wow... A tuba... It’s a tuba...” And Mr. Kim begins immediately practicing the tuba.

Meanwhile, at Legion of Doom headquarters, Holo-Janeway is impatient, “Captain Sisko! You said Locutus and Captain Kirk would be coming back from the dead this chapter... Where are they??”

Sisko says, “Hmmmm... I don’t understand. They should have been here by now. Maybe I should have told them that we moved the Legion of Doom Headquarters.” Holo-Janeway slaps Sisko and says, “That would have helped, you pedantic drone!”

Sisko is concerned, but then inspiration strikes him, “I know!! I know how to find them!! We’ll call those people on the commercial. The 1-800-SEARCH people!”

Holo-Janeway is impressed, “Yes, the 1-800-SEARCH people!! Great idea! Give them a call!” Sisko says, “Okay, what’s their number?”

Holo-Janeway groans...

Meanwhile, back on Voyager...

Harry Kim has quickly become the greatest tuba sensation that the Delta Quadrant has ever known. His popularity knows no bounds. Harry secretly says to himself, “If only I started playing the tuba five years ago, I’d be that much better of a tuba player today...”

Suddenly, the light bulb goes on over Harry’s head. He says, “Oh yes!! I’ll do the ‘Timeless’ thing! I’ll go back in time and tell my past self to start learning the tuba!! What a brilliant idea!! What could possibly go wrong...”

Meanwhile, five years earlier...

“Captain’s Log: Five Years Earlier. We’ve just battled every last Kazon sect and every Vidiian in the quadrant. The damage to Voyager has been extreme... Lt. Torres estimates it will be fixed by morning. And we have resumed a course toward home... again. And I’m pleased to report that Mr. Paris is ready to go on the shuttlecraft, prepared to break the warp threshold. What a brilliant story idea!!”

The Future Kim is overhearing Janeway’s log entry and says, “Oh mercy!! I sent myself back in time to the ‘Threshold’ episode. Not one of Voyager’s finer moments... However, the mere mention of the word ‘Threshold’ should send 15 Voyager bashers into cardiac arrest, so it isn’t a complete loss!”

So Future Kim spots Younger Kim. Future Kim thinks to himself, “Wait, I can’t just walk to my past self! The guy will freak!” Future Kim puts on a pair of glasses and says, “There, that’s more like it!!”

Future Kim walks up to Younger Kim and says, “You know what, I think you should play the tuba instead of the clarinet!”

Younger Kim says, “What?? But I love the clarinet! Why would I ever give up the clarinet??”

Future Kim replies, “Well, remember that time when Commander Chakotay told you to stick that clarinet where the sun doesn’t shine??” Younger Kim says, “Yes, the bastard.”

Future Kim says, “Well, in about five years, it’ll happen!!”

Younger Kim catches the drift and vows to learn to tuba. Future Kim says, “Great!! My work here is done!! I can go back to my own timeframe now!!”

Suddenly, Captain Sisko and Holo-Janeway appear right in front of Future Kim. Future Kim says, “What the hell are you two doing here??”

Sisko says, “The 1-800-SEARCH people... They said we could find Locutus and Captain Kirk here!! But they’re not!!”

Holo-Janeway says, “You know what this means...”

Sisko says, “Yeah, the check I wrote them must have bounced... Oh, and by the way, you are our hostage, Future Kim.”

Meanwhile... Back in the “present"...

Janeway begins asking, “Anybody seen Mr. Kim lately??”

The crew replies, “No.”

Janeway then says, “Anybody care?”

The crew replies, “No.”

Janeway says, “Well, Harry must have died again or something... We can’t find him anywhere. I just hope we find the corpse before he stinks up the place!”

Chakotay says, “I doubt we’ve seen the last of Mr. Kim...”

Janeway marches over, grabs Chakotay by the hair, punches him and says, “Chakotay, don’t you ever steal my lines again!!!”

Janeway looks at the clock and says, “Hmmmm... now this is strange... It’s almost the end of Chapter 22. And there is still no mention of Locutus or Captain Kirk still being alive.”

Chakotay (hoping for brownie points) says, “Maybe they really died, Captain.”

Janeway picks up on the cue and says, “Oh no... I doubt we’ve seen the last of them...”

Meanwhile... in a place called “The Nexus”...

Captain Kirk says, “I’m still fixing these eggs, will you pass me the toast and the spices??” Locutus replies, “Sure thing, Dear, here you go.” Captain Kirk says, “Thanks, sweetie,” and kisses Locutus on the cheek. Locutus pauses, “Wait!! This isn’t right!! This isn’t reality... We must be trapped in the Nexus!!” Kirk replies, “Oh my God, you’re right. And I think you and I are like, longtime companions for each other.”

Locutus says, “This can mean only one thing... It’s the Gay Nexus!!”

(Insert loud claps of thunder and dramatic music)