Chapter 23: “The Barge of the Brain Dead”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
“Captain’s Log: Another lonely lonely night. The crew keeps making fun of me because of my Holographic Boyfriend. I don’t see what the big deal is... Jan Brady invented an imaginary boyfriend, why can’t I?? Anyways, we’ve probably set a course for home... again. I can’t really be sure, I’ve locked myself in my quarters. We recently entered.... The Void!! At first I thought ‘the void’ referred to the inside of Chakotay’s head. But now I realize that we are in a region of space with no stars, no planets, no subspace anything. So I’ve locked myself in my quarters. The crew is probably concerned, but they know I am a complicated woman.”
Meanwhile, on the Bridge. Mr. Paris asks, “Why has Captain Janeway locked herself in her quarters?” Chakotay replies, “I think she’s having her monthly visitor.” Paris shudders and says, “Yikes! Do you remember the time we entered the time paradox and she had 47 ‘monthly visitors’ in the span of 6 hours??” Chakotay responds, “I still have the scars on my neck...”
Suddenly Tuvok interrupts, “Chakotay! Long-range sensors are showing the Enterprise-E approaching!” Chakotay asks, “And the short range sensors?” Tuvok answers, “The short range sensors are off-line.”
Chakotay panics, “Damn!! Let’s go to Red Alert! All hands: This is Commander Chakotay! The short-range sensors are off-line! Everyone report to short-range-sensor repair stations immediately!!”
Tuvok wonders, “Um, Commander? Maybe we should worry about the Enterprise-E instead...”
Chakotay says, “Tuvok! You and your damned Vulcan parameters! This reminds me of a parable I heard as a child...”
At that moment Janeway returns to the Bridge. She immediately walks over to Chakotay and pinches his nose and says, “What did I tell you about those parables???” Janeway turns to Tuvok and says, “We should go to battle stations, you pedantic drone! But I wonder who is commanding the Enterprise-E, it couldn’t be Locutus... He and Captain Kirk died two chapters ago...”
Meanwhile... In the Gay Nexus...
Locutus and Kirk are still trapped in their gay lifestyle. Locutus has taken-up interior decorating, while Kirk has developed a talent for dressmaking.
Suddenly Kirk panics, “Locutus!! My sewing machine is off line!! Now I’ll never finish my Easter dress!!”
Locutus comforts him, “Don’t worry, Sugar-Booger, I’ll take the sewing machine in and get it fixed... Do you need anything else from me?”
Kirk replies, “Just one thing... Don’t ever call me Sugar-Booger again...”
So Locutus takes the sewing machine into the repair shop. The man in the store asks, “Is there anything I can help you with?”
Locutus looks at the man, and then points to the sewing machine and says, “Make it sew!”
The repairman complies. Suddenly, Whoopi Goldberg enters the same store. Locutus says, “Good Gravy Marie! What are you doing here? Please don’t tell me you’re dragging me into another Sister Act sequel??” Whoopi responds, “No. I’m here to tell you that both you and Captain Kirk can leave the Gay Nexus whenever you want.”
Without hesitation, Locutus says, “Check, please!”
Meanwhile, back on Voyager...
Mr. Tuvok says, “Captain! The Enterprise is gaining on us! They are trying to hail us.” Tuvok puts them on screen.
Janeway sees Sisko is now the captain of the Enterprise. Sisko says, “Captain Janeway! You will surrender to the Legion of Doom at once!”
Janeway is bold and asks, “Or else what??”
Sisko then shows Harry Kim in shackles and says, “As you can see, I’m holding Ensign Kim hostage. You will surrender or else I will kill Ensign Kim!!”
Janeway doesn’t hesitate. She responds, “Big fat deal!” Sisko is surprised, “Oh Dear. I thought she’d be threatened by that. Damn! Very well, send Ensign Kim back to Voyager and let’s get out of here.”
At that moment, Harry’s beamed back to Voyager. Harry says, “Wow, Captain! I thought I was a goner. You made them think you’d actually let them kill me. What a brilliant bluff!” Janeway responds, “Who said I was bluffing?”
Meanwhile... The Legion of Doom holds another meeting. Sisko says, “Now what? How are we ever going to defeat Voyager??”
Holo-Janeway says, “I’ve got it!! This is a foolproof plan!” She pulls out her cellular phone and says, “Hello?? I’d like to make a long-distance call to the Alpha Quadrant... I need to speak with the Paramount casting office. I would like to hire some actors from the the ‘Spock’s Brain’ episode...” Sisko asks, “What the hell are you doing???”
Holo-Janeway replies, “We are going to steal their brains, and hold them for ransom...”
Meanwhile, back on Voyager...
Voyager finally exits the void. And they resume a course toward home... again. Suddenly, Mr. Kim screams, “Captain!! Long-range sensors are detecting a mean-looking ship...” A bitter Chakotay adds, “I would say check the short-range sensors. But evidently nobody gives a damn about short-range sensors...”
A panicked Tuvok says, “Captain! I’ve analyzed the license plate on that ship! They are brain-stealers!”
Janeway yells, “Brain and brain... what is brain??” At that moment, the brain-stealers beam aboard Voyager and manage to steal all but two of the Voyager crew’s brains.
The crew are all brain-dead and find themselves on a barge that resembles a riverboat casino. Janeway looks around and says, “My God! Look at all these people... There’s Pat Buchanan! There’s Jesse Helms! Where the hell are we??”
B’Elanna answers, “Captain, I’d think seeing those two guys here would confirm it for you... We are on the Barge of the Brain Dead.”
Suddenly, two more people are dropped off on the barge... it’s Captain Kirk and Locutus! Janeway says, “What??? What are you doing here? You are supposed to be dead!! Even though I doubted that I had seen the last of you.”
Locutus answers, “We were in the Gay Nexus. But we were told we could go anywhere we wanted, so I wanted to be whereever my beloved wife, Seven of Nine is.” Seven groans and says, “Oh joy, my hubby is back.”
Captain Kirk then says, “And guess what, Janeway baby?? I’m home!! Give Daddy some sugar!!”
Janeway screams hysterically!
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
There are still two people on Voyager whose brains were not stolen: The Doctor and Naomi Wildman. The two of them hold a meeting. The Doctor says, “We need to get their brains back immediately, or else we’ll never save them! But I must stay in Sickbay so that I can keep their bodies alive until we get their brains.”
Naomi Wildman responds, “I understand, Doctor. This can only mean one thing... I must take command of the USS Voyager!!!” (insert loud claps of thunder and dramatic music)
Naomi adds, “You never saw Wesley Crusher as Captain now, did you...”