Chapter 27: “Alpha Quadrant — Next Ten Exits”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
“Chakotay, get over here!! I never had to do a log entry aboard another starship before, what the hell do I do?” “Just hit that red button that says ‘Captain’s Log.’ Okay?”
“Cool!! Captain’s Log: Stardate: um, today. We seem to have a hit a bit of a snag. The Good News: Voyager has resumed a course for home... again. The Bad News: My crew and I are stuck on the Enterprise-E. We’ve noticed that Seven of Nine, Lt. Torres and Naomi Wildman are not with us. I can only assume they’re still on Voyager. And I’m going to lodge a formal complaint with Starfleet. How come this ship has a battle bridge and Voyager doesn’t?”
Janeway turns to Chakotay and asks, “What’s the status of the warp drive? Can we convert it to a slipstream warp drive so we can stop the Legion of Doom from assimilating Earth?”
Chakotay says, “I think so Captain, we’ve got the rarely-seen crewmen working on it, so I think it will be done soon.”
Janeway asks, “Rarely-seen crew?”
Chakotay answers, “Ensign Wildman, Ensign Vorik, Mr. Carey, and the Delaney Twins.” Janeway shouts, “So they are twins!! I wasn’t going through a Doublemint delusion??”
Mr. Kim interrupts, “Hey Janeway, you horse’s ass, the slipstream drive is ready.” Tuvok inquires, “‘Horse’s ass’?” Mr. Kim turns to Tuvok, “We’re Starfleet officers, profanity is part of the job...” Tuvok responds, “Indeed.”
Janeway says, “Mr. Paris!! Enter a pursuit course for Voyager! Warp 47!” Janeway turns to Mr. Kim, “And you’re grounded, Mr. Kim. No chocolate milk or bizarre girlfriends for you for two weeks.”
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
The ever-gracious Lt. Torres allows Seven of Nine to lead the revolt to take back Voyager... after a couple trillion nanoprobes were zapped into her body, anyways. Seven turns to the new adult version of Captain Janeway’s daughter. Seven says, “So tell me, do you remember your name?” “No,” she responds.
Seven then says, “Curses! I don’t either... from now on we’ll call you Junior Janeway. It doesn’t really matter, I’ve read the script and you’re going to die in this chapter anyways...”
Torres asks, “So how are we going to take back Voyager?”
Seven answers, “I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. Naomi Wildman shall go to the bridge and do her impression of Shirley Temple.”
Naomi asks, “The actress, or the drink?”
Seven responds, “The actress. Then when you get to the third verse of the ‘Good Ship Lollipop’ we’ll charge the bridge and take back Voyager!” Torres says, “Wow!! Very good idea!! But won’t this put Naomi in considerable danger??”
Seven answers, “Exactly! That’s the best part!”
Meanwhile... on the Voyager bridge.
Locutus makes a startling announcement, “Captain Sisko! The ship’s internal sensors are showing four life-forms: Seven of Nine, Lt. Torres, Junior Janeway.... and Shirley Temple!”
Sisko asks, “The actress or the drink?” Locutus responds, “The actress.”
Captain Kirk says, “I love her! Let’s all go down and get her autograph!”
Sisko agrees, but first he turns to Khan and says, “We’ll be right back. You have the conn, Khan... Or is it, You have the Khan, conn? Anyways, you’re in charge.”
Khan replies, “Full impulse power... Damn you!!”
On their way to the turbolift, Holo-Janeway whispers to Sisko, “We should really see about getting him some therapy...”
Meanwhile... back on the Enterprise...
Paris reports, “Captain! We are closing in on the Voyager! We’re just a few minutes away from the Alpha Quadrant.” Janeway asks, “Are we in bomb threat range yet?” Tuvok says, “Yes Captain, we are in bomb threat range. Do you intend on making a bomb threat?” Janeway replies, “Well what do you think, you pedantic drone!”
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
Locutus, Kirk, Sisko and Holo-Janeway find Naomi Wildman, the youngest one in curls (Oh wait, that’s the Brady Bunch). Sisko is damn mad, he screams, “You’re not Shirley Temple... Neither the actress nor the drink!”
Locutus says, “Let’s kill them all, starting with Junior Janeway!!” With that, Junior Janeway is disintegrated. Torres replies, “Damn, Seven, you know your plot twists!!”
The rest are about to be killed when Khan pages them from the Bridge, “Sisko!! We are receiving an incoming message on the bomb threat frequency!” Sisko says, “Okay, let’s hear it.”
A voice (which sounds strangely like Captain Janeway trying to do a Richard Nixon impression) says, “Hello. I have bad news. There is a bomb on Voyager. And it’s set to go off in 47 seconds.”
Sisko says, “Zoinks!”
The voice continues, “However, I do have some good news. The Enterprise-E does not have a bomb going off in 47 seconds. Why, if I were you, I’d transport your crew to the Enterprise and transport the Voyager crew back to Voyager... In my opinion.”
Khan then says, “Sisko! How lucky are we! The Enterprise-E is right behind us now... and not so wounded as we were led to believe...”
Sisko then says, “Very well... Let’s do the old switcheroo.”
Minutes later, the Voyager crew is returned to Voyager and the Legion of Doom is returned to the Enterprise. Upon returning, Sisko finds a note in Janeway’s handwriting that says, “Gotcha!”
Sisko starts laughing nervously and says, “Heh heh... whoops... Will this affect my reelection as leader of the Legion of Doom??” With that, the Enterprise retreats and goes to parts unknown to develop their next evil scheme...
Meanwhile, back in Voyager, in the brig...
Odo-Kes says, “Do you think anybody will ever let us out of here?” Kes replies, “Hey, if the UPN people want to keep paying my salary, I ain’t going to be complaining.”
On the Voyager bridge...
Janeway triumphantly returns to her Captain’s chair on Voyager’s Bridge. And Tuvok makes a very exciting announcement, “Captain!! We’ve finally entered the Alpha Quadrant! Planet Earth is just 47 seconds away!!”
The Voyager crew starts dancing and shouting and hollering and screaming and having a good old time... except for Janeway.
Janeway begins sweating bullets, she begins looking very very tense and begins biting her fingernails.
Chakotay asks, “Is there something wrong, Captain?? We’re about to be home!!”
Janeways then says, “Okay, but if anybody asks, I never broke the Prime Directive...”
UPN Promo for Next Week’s The Voyager Coronary:
Next week, on an all-new Coronary. Voyager finally returns home. Seven of Nine has difficulties fitting in with the people of Planet Earth, so The Doctor suggests taking her to a nude beach to explore her humanity... Another thought-provoking episode!