Chapter 28: “Hi Honey, I’m Home!”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
“Captain’s Log: Stardate: Oblivion. We have resumed a course toward home... again.”
(a voice from off-stage yells “Mulgrew... Read the script right!!")
“I mean we have returned home... again. Yes, we’ve finally reached Earth. I’m kind of disappointed that there wasn’t a subspace banner waiting for us which read: “Good Job Janeway: You got your crew home! You Rule!” But what can you expect? We’ve already begun to hear some sort of communication. Apparently, while we were gone, there was some big war here in the Alpha Quadrant. I guess these Federation people don’t know how to run a Quadrant. There was never a single war in the Delta Quadrant when I was there. Anyways, I’m very interested to see what sort of plot developments happen now that we’ve returned home.”
Voyager finally enters orbit of Earth. Suddenly, two Starfleet sheriffs beam aboard Voyager, holding a subspace arrest warrant, and say, “Which one of you is Captain Janeway?”
Janeway says, “I’m Janeway.” The sheriff then says, “Janeway, I have a warrant for your arrest!” Janeway tries to cover, “Janeway? Did you say Janeway? I thought you said Amway.” The sheriff says, “No dice, Janeway! You are under arrest! You took an oath to never break the Prime Directive... and you broke it!”
Janeway again tries to cover, “Prime Directive?? I thought they said never to eat Prime Rib. Heh heh. Honest mistake, sorry about that...”
The sheriff then says, “No dice, Janeway. You must come with us!”
Janeway tries to bribe the officers, “Wait! Why must we rush right to arrest warrants. Why don’t you boys join us?? We were about to play a great game of Yahtzee, and then we were going to all play Craps together!”
Mr. Kim interrupts, “Captain! We can’t play Yahtzee, and we can’t play Craps!!”
Janeway asks, “Well, why not???”
Mr. Kim replies, “No dice, Janeway.”
With that, Janeway is taken into custody. The rest of the crew waits to see what unfolds for them. They are certain that nothing but happy reunions are headed their way.
At that moment, the Starfleet social workers board Voyager. They grab Naomi Wildman and say, “We’re putting this child into a foster home. You people have poisoned her mind. For God’s sakes, you let her be Captain of the ship and you let her hang out with a Borg??? You people are sick!” With that, Naomi is carted away.
Soon, more Starfleet sheriffs board Voyager. With arrest warrants for the Maquis crewmembers. The lead sheriff says, “Chakotay and Torres! We know for a fact that you were in the Maquis! I’m afraid you will have to come with us. You’re going directly to jail. You will not pass go and you will not collect $200!”
Chakotay then offers, “Listen, if I tell you a fascinating parable, will you go easy on Torres and I?”
The sheriff says, “Chakotay, we’ve heard of your parables. And if you threaten us with those again, I can think of only two words to say to you: police brutality!! But, we will be lenient if you tell us who the other Maquis crewmembers are, so we can arrest them!”
Torres asks, “We had other Maquis people on this ship?? Damn, I forgot we did. You see, Sheriff, we haven’t done a Maquis storyline for over five years.”
So the sheriff must be content with just apprehending Torres and Chakotay. Then, the Starfleet prison warden beams aboard Voyager and says, “Tom Paris, I’m afraid I must take you back to the prison now!”
Tom says, “What?? Captain Janeway arrange for a reprieve for me! She said I wouldn’t have to go back!” The warden says, “Ordinarily, that would be true. But unfortuantely Janeway did not fill out all the forms in triplicate. So you must come back with us.”
Tom asks, “Why? How could Janeway make such a foolish mistake???”
The warden replies, “Haven’t you heard? Because she’s mean.”
Mr. Paris then says, “Wait!! My father is Admiral Paris! He’ll vouch for me. I won’t have to go to prison after all.”
At that moment Admiral Paris boards Voyager and says, “Actually Tom, you’re adopted. Take him away, boys!”
Paris screams, “But a pretty boy like me won’t do well in prison!!” With that, Tom Paris is taken away.
The remaining crew: Mr. Kim, Seven of Nine, The Doctor, Tuvok and Neelix await their fate. Seven says, “I’m very certain that I have some human relatives on Earth and that they will be more than happy to take me in.”
At that moment, the Starfleet sheriff shows Seven a restraining order and says, “Seven, this is from your Earth family. Apparently they want nothing to do with a big-chested Borg. They’ve ordered you to keep a distance of five light years. Which, by the way, you already broke during the ‘Relativity’ episode. So we must take you to jail!”
Seven says, “I’m not worried. I’m a very attractive female. All the other prisoners will be very kind and considerate towards me.”
Tuvok says, “Seven, you don’t understand. They will take you to a woman’s prison!!”
Seven screams hysterically as she’s beamed off Voyager.
At that moment an incoming message comes in from Mr. Kim’s parents, “Hello, Harry. I’m afraid you can’t come home to us. You see, a duplicate Harry Kim got here a few years ago and we’ve taken him in as our son. But we’ll send you your clarinet!”
Mr. Kim growls, “Damn those duplicates!!”
Then the bad news comes for Mr. Tuvok. The sheriff says, “Mr. Tuvok. I’m afraid your entire family was killed after eating some bad tuna fish. I’m terribly sorry.”
Mr. Tuvok says, “Oh. Indeed. These things happen I guess. How long ago did this take place?”
The sheriff replies, “This morning.”
Tuvok replies, “Ouch...”
Admiral Paris turns to the Doctor and says, “Doctor, we’ve heard so much about you. It is a real honor to meet you. Unfortunately, we’ve discontinued the Emergency Medical Holograms aboard Starfleet ships... Nothing personal.” With that, Admiral Paris unplugs the Doctor’s program.
Neelix says, “Well, Starfleet. You people don’t even know me. You couldn’t possibly have anything against me!”
Admiral Paris replies, “Well, actually... After the war, Starfleet decided that each planet can’t have more than one person with the same name. No Earth for you.” Neelix says, “What?? How could there possibly be a Neelix on Earth already??”
Admiral Paris answers, “Barclay’s cat. No Earth for you, Mr. Neelix.... mwaaa ha ha ha ha.”
Meanwhile, in the Starfleet prison, the warden arranges for a reunion of Paris, Torres, Seven, Chakotay and Janeway. Janeway says, “Obviously we must break out of here. We must find a way to undo all the illegal things we did in the Delta Quadrant.”
Paris interrupts, “Actually, Captain... You were the only one who did illegal doings in the Delta Quadrant.”
Janeway pulls out a two-by-four and hits Paris over the head with it and says, “Don’t push me... pedantic drone. What we need to do is go back to the Delta Quadrant and prove that we are brilliant and accomplished Starfleet officers. Then we will get the homecoming we deserve!”
Torres says, “Janeway, that’s just insane! Why would we want to go back to the Delta Quadrant???”
Janeway answers, “Promotions for everybody!”
Seven replies, “We’re in!”
So a few moments later, Janeway and her crew stage a brilliant escape. Actually, it wasn’t that brilliant. They all told the guards that they left their luggage on Voyager and the guards beamed them back to Voyager.
Mr. Kim says, “Captain! What are you doing?”
Janeway says, “Hello, Lieutenant Kim. We are returning to the Delta Quadrant. Promotions for everybody! Lieutenant Paris, set a course for the Badlands. Commander Torres, bring the warp drive to full power!”
Chakotay asks, “Captain. Do I get a promotion, too? Doesn’t this mean I’m a Captain now?”
Janeway says, “Sorry, I’m the Captain. I called it already. But you do get a promotion, to Big Kahuna Commander!!”
Chakotay replies, “Far out!”
Kim gives a status report, “Captain! We’re almost to the Badlands. We’ve restored the Doctor’s program. But Starfleet hasn’t sent a single ship to come after us.”
Janeway responds, “Really! How rude!”
Kim then says, “But I do have some fantastic news, Captain! We forgot to pick up Naomi Wildman!!”
The crew breaks out into a celebratory song!!
Meanwhile... in Voyager’s Brig...
Odo-Kes says, “I’m starting to get hungry...”
Kes replies, “I know, when’s dinner?”
Meanwhile... on the Enterprise-E...
Holo-Janeway makes an announcement, “Sisko! We’ve located Voyager! I don’t know how, but they’ve gone back 75,000 light years. They’ve gone back to the Caretaker’s Array!”
Sisko says, “Very well. Set a course for the Caretaker’s Array.”
Locutus says, “How odd. First Voyager was back on Earth, and now they’re back at the Caretaker’s Array.”
Kirk replies, “I know. It’s as if somebody hit a huge, giant reset button. Hmmmmm....”
(And the human adventure is just beginning...)
UPN Promo for Next Week’s The Voyager Coronary:
Next time, on an all-new Coronary. The Kazon get their first look at Seven of Nine. Seska becomes insanely jealous and contemplates breast enlargement to win back Culluh’s affection... Another thought-provoking episode!