“Chakotay’s Log. Stardate: Well, Hell, I Lost The Calendar. We won’t be having a Stardate today. But anyways, I am still in command of Voyager. The senior staff and I had a meeting and we agreed that we shouldn’t really put Captain Janeway back in command. Considering that she is now the Borg Queen, and considering how she said she would take us all to Borg space if we put her in command. We pretty much decided it would be poor judgment to put her in command.”
Later on, Chakotay goes down to Sickbay to see how Janeway is doing. He asks the Doctor, “Well how is she? How’s Captain Janeway?” At that moment, Borg Queen Janeway bellows in a dark and booming voice, “I am Queen Janeway! You will call me Queen Janeway!”
The Doctor replies, “She’s lost it, Chakotay.” Chakotay frowns and says, “Who did she lose it to? I wanted to be her first. On our wedding night...”
The Doctor corrects himself, “Oh, I mean, she’s gone completely wacko! Should I put her in the brig?” Chakotay answers, “No, you better not. I think Kes and Odo-Kes are down there still, and I really don’t want to have to deal with them today. Just put her behind a level 10 forcefield.”
The Doctor asks, “Chakotay, why is it always a level 10 forcefield?? How come we never use a level 2 forcefield... or a level 9 forcefield?” Chakotay answers, “I didn’t know we had other levels. Hmmmm...”
Later on the crew holds a meeting...
Chakotay says, “Okay, so let’s recap for those who tuned in late. We have Janeway who is now the Borg Queen, we have Seven of Nine who has been kidnapped by the Borg Collective, and then there’s Harry Kim who was kidnapped by the Kazon. Am I missing anybody else?”
Tuvok answers, “What about Mr. Carey?”
Chakotay replies, “Carey?? Oh, I killed him four years ago. I just forgot to mention it. So anyways, what do you think should be our first priority? Anybody have any suggestions?” Torres says, “Without a doubt, the first priority should be to hold a celebratory dinner in my honor!”
Chakotay says, “No dice, Torres! I guess we need to find a way to, somehow, turn Janeway back into a normal person. But how??”
Locutus speaks up, “Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh!! I know!!”
Chakotay says, “Okay, dude, spit it out!”
Locutus says, “There is an antidote. It’s a mixture of anti-Borg molecules that reverses any sort of assimilation. And the best part is, now they have the antidote in cherry flavor!!”
Chakotay says, “Hot damn! Well done, Locutus! Where’s this Borg antidote?” Locutus answers, “There was only one person in this world who knew the formula for the Borg antidote... It was Holo-Janeway!!” Chakotay says, “Yikes! We can’t possibly expect Holo-Janeway to help. She works for the evil Legion of Doom and would undoubtedly try to destroy us.”
Locutus says, “Jeepers, Chuckles. Don’t be such a gloomy gus! We’ll just have to find a way to steal the antidote without having the Legion of Doom intercept us. All we have to do now, is find them!”
Meanwhile... in Voyager’s brig...
Kes throws her cards to the table and says, “Gin!!”
Odo-Kes says, “Gin?? But Kes, we’re playing cribbage!”
Kes tries to cover, “Oh, I know that. I just felt like drinking some.”
Meanwhile... in the Kazon brig...
Harry Kim throws his cards on the table and says, “Look!! Ha-ha! I have a full house! That beats your three of a kind!”
Seven of Nine says, “You are right. You win this game.” With that, Seven unbuttons her blouse.
Kim says, “See, Seven! I told you strip poker would be more fun than cribbage...”
On the Kazon Bridge...
Culluh says, “Okay Seska, you need to transmit a message to Voyager. Telling them that they have 47 hours to come to our coordinates and turn Voyager over to us.”
At that moment, Seska says, “Culluh! We have a serious plumbing breach on deck two. The deck directly underneath us is being flooded with water!” Culluh says, “My God! Is the water rising?? Will it seep to up to the Bridge?” Seska says, “No, I don’t think so. Should we cancel our Voyager plans and fix the plumbing for all the decks under the bridge??”
Culluh says, “Nah, I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s all water under the bridge now.”
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
Chakotay joins Locutus in Astrometrics. Chakotay says, “Okay Locutus, how is the search for the Enterprise coming?”
Locutus replies, “I think I’ve found their ship! Here, look at this cartography chart.” Chakotay examines the cartography chart and says, “My God, Locutus! You are right! Excellent work on the cartography! That cartography is brilliant!! No, brilliant is not the right word. Stellar! That’s what it is... It’s Stellar Cartography!”
Hours later, Voyager arrives at the Enterprise’s coordinates. Tuvok runs a scan and says, “How weird is that!! Commander, the Enterprise is running at almost zero power! The Legion of Doom are all in stasis chambers!” Chakotay says, “Of course! It makes sense! When we last saw the Enterprise, they were still trapped in the 1960s. They must have gone into stasis and programmed the system to wake them up in the 24th century...”
Tuvok, the eternal smartass, says, “Well Chakotay, we’ll just have to call you Miss Marple from now on. Anyways, we need to beam over and steal the Borg antidote. But we need to be discreet about it, or we may wake up the Legion of Doom.”
So, Tuvok, Chakotay and Neelix beam over to the Enterprise. They begin searching for the Borg antidote. Neelix begins peeking inside all the stasis chambers. Neelix says, “Awwwww... Look at the Legion of Doom... They look like such angels when they sleep...”
Finally, Chakotay locates the Borg antidote. He says, “Paydirt!! Now we can get out of here and save the Captain! So... no matter what happens... Nobody press that big red button on the wall that says: PRESS THIS BUTTON TO WAKE UP THE EVIL, VILE, VICIOUS, NO-GOOD, BACK-STABBING, DILITHIUM-STEALING, BAD INFLUENCE LEGION OF DOOM!”
So... Neelix promptly walks over to the button and presses it. At that moment, the Enterprise computer says, “Thank you for pressing the wake-up button. The Legion of Doom are now waking up, and they are well-rested and will be more than a match than they ever were.”
Tuvok pulls Neelix by the hair and says, “NEELIX!! What in the Hell did you do that for??”
Neelix winks and says, “Because I’m a little scamp!”
Chakotay clicks his commbadge and says, “Chakotay to Voyager: Beam us directly to Sickbay!”
Chakotay pauses and says, “No... That’s been done to death, getting beamed directly to Sickbay. We’ll try something else for a change. Chakotay to Voyager: Beam us directly to the ladies’ bathroom on Deck 14!”
Moments later, screams are heard coming from Deck 14 in the ladies’ bathroom. Chakotay, Tuvok and Neelix emerge from the bathroom and head right to Sickbay. Tuvok turns to Chakotay and says, “Now that’s what I call a show!!”
They enter Sickbay and give The Doctor the antidote. The Doctor looks at it and says, “A Borg antidote??? And cherry-flavored!! What will they think of next!!” The Doctor injects the antidote into Queen Janeway.
Chakotay says, “How long until we know if the antidote works?”
The Doctor replies, “Probably about one chapter.”
Chakotay says, “Acknowledged. Let me know the second anything changes. Because I intend on proposing to Janeway... again.”
At that moment, Mr. Paris pages Chakotay from the Bridge, “Chakotay!! The Enterprise is powering up their weapons!!”
Chakotay says, “Hmmmm... I’ll bet that means they intend to attack us.”
Tuvok says, “Wow, Chakotay. You are Miss Marple, aren’t you??”
Chakotay races to the bridge and says, “Okay, let’s get out of here. Engage the really fast stuff!!” Paris complies and Voyager jumps to warp.
A little while later, the staff has a meeting. Chakotay says, “Okay. We have obviously got to find a way to defeat the Legion of Doom once and for all. Any suggestions?”
Locutus says, “Well, as a former member of the Legion of Doom, I know exactly how to defeat those bastards.”
Chakotay asks, “Well, how???”
Locutus replies, “Kryptonite! Yup. That’s right. Kryptonite. The same stuff that can kill Superman can kill the Legion of Doom.”
Chakotay turns to Neelix and says, “Neelix, do you know how we can create some Kryptonite?” Neelix replies, “Not quite. But I imagine it involves using some leola roots...”
Locutus says, “No dice, Neelix! I am the only one who has the recipe.”
At that moment, a subspace postcard is delivered. Chakotay says, “Why!! It’s from Mr. Kim! Put it on screen!”
The postcard reads:
“Dear Voyager... I am with the Kazon. The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. Signed Mr. Kim.”
Chakotay says, “You see!! Mr. Kim is perfectly happy.” But then Chakotay reads the P.S. to the postcard. It reads, “P.S. Seven of Nine and I are being held prisoner by the Kazon. They say if you do not come here to negotiate within the next 47 hours, the Kazon will kill Seven of Nine... And me. And you know I have to be closing in on my ninth life by now!”
Chakotay says, “Well, I’m sorry. But we simply cannot risk returning to Kazon territory in order to save Kim and Seven. We are going to have to resume a course for home... again. Now, Locutus, if you will kindly give us the Kryptonite recipe...”
Locutus says, “No dice, Chakotay! As you may remember, I used to be married to Seven of Nine. I still am deeply enthralled with her. I want to win back her affections. I will not give you the recipe until we save Seven of Nine!”
Chakotay growls, “I just hate it when we use continuity. I was perfectly happy forgetting that Seven of Nine and Locutus were married.”
Locutus says, “So that’s the deal, Chakotay. Take it or leave it!”
Chakotay says, “Very well, you Borg bully. We will set a course for Kazon space. At this rate, it’s going to take us a couple trillion years to reach the Alpha Quadrant.”
Meanwhile... on the Enterprise...
Sisko says, “We must track Voyager’s course. We need to find out where they are going so we can defeat them once and for all!”
Captain Kirk says, “Sisko! It’s always work, work, work with you. We’ve just woken up from a 400 year sleep. I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m starving!” Khan says, “How can you think of food at a time like this?”
Kirk replies, “First order of business: survival.”
Holo-Janeway says, “There’s food in the Genesis Cave. Enough to last a lifetime, if necessary.”
Kirk says, “Thanks for the info Holo-Janeway, but we’re about 75,000 light years away from the Genesis Cave, so that really doesn’t do us a whole lot of good.”
Holo-Janeway says, “Good point, Kirk. I stand corrected. How about breakfast instead?”
Nixon says, “Great idea! I’ll make my infamous Nixon Pancakes!”
(And the plot thickens...)