Chapter 36: “The New and Improved, Lemon-Scented Borg Queen”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published March 19, 2000
“Captain’s Log: Stardate: St. Patty’s Day. To commemorate the occasion, I have downed 47 mugs of green beer. The Doctor has cleared me as being able to return to my rightful position as Captain of Voyager. They were able to reverse the Borg assimilation. And it was not a moment too soon, because I was finding it quite difficult to go to the bathroom without short-circuiting myself. Anyways, we have set a course for Kazon space. Locutus has ordered us to save Seven of Nine and Mr. Kim from the Kazon, and in exchange he will give us the Kryptonite to destroy the Legion of Doom. I think that pretty much catches everybody up on the plot. Let’s see the drama unfold now...”
Janeway enters the Bridge and finally sits down in the Captain’s Chair again. The tears are pouring down Chakotay’s face, and he says, “Oh, Janeway. I’ve missed you so much. The pain of losing you was just like falling out of a 47 story building onto a bed of nails and then being run over by a bus, a marching band, and a 747 jet liner.”
Janeway says, “Care to be a little more specific, Commander?”
Chakotay says, “Maybe later, my beloved Janeway. Now... finally... I need to know the answer to my question. Will you.... Please, Janeway... Please... Will you marry me?”
Janeway is about to answer when Tuvok says, “Jumping jitterbugs!! Captain, we are approaching the Kazon ship with Mr. Kim and Seven of Nine on board!”
Janeway says, “Damn! Okay, let’s go to red alert.”
Tuvok gives Janeway the bad news, “Uh, Captain, I regret to inform you that Red Alert is broken, again. But we do have Lime Green Alert ready.”
Janeway says, “Very well, go to Lime Green Alert!!”
Chakotay says, “Wait!! Do you mean to tell me I still have to wait for the answer to my marriage proposal???”
Tuvok responds, “Indeed.”
Meanwhile... on the Enterprise...
Sisko finishes eating his Nixon pancakes and says, “Nixon, these were fab!!” The Legion of Doom all give Nixon pats on the back.
Kirk says, “Now that we have a full stomach, we can exact our revenge on the Starship Voyager!”
Holo-Janeway is busy reading the morning edition of the Delta Quadrant Post-Times and says, “Whoa!! Look at this story in the paper! Ever since the Borg lost Captain Janeway, the Collective have been without a Borg Queen.”
Khan replies, “On Earth... 200 years ago... I was a prince, with power over millions.”
Holo-Janeway says, “Please try to stay on topic, Khan. But it says here that the Borg are interviewing candidates to be the new Borg Queen. They are having a special election to elect the new queen!”
Sisko says, “Holo-Janeway, you should run for that office. You’d make a fantastic Borg Queen!”
Holo-Janeway says, “You really think so?? I think I’m going to run for that office. I mean, the dental plan alone is well worth it!!” So Holo-Janeway fills out the necessary paperwork to enter the Borg election.
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
Tuvok says, “Captain! The lead Kazon ship is hailing us.” Janeway asks, “Which one is the lead Kazon ship?” Tuvok replies, “It’s the one that’s leading the others.” Janeway says, “Ahhh. Okay, put them on screen.”
Culluh appears on screen and says, “Captain Janeway... How are you, you pathetic tramp?” Chakotay says, “Watch your tongue, Culluh. Or I’ll sic my animal guide on you!” Culluh quickly changes subject, “Very well. I see you are here as I requested. Okay, here is the deal, I will give you Seven of Nine and Mr. Kim in exchange for six replicators, five phaser guns, four shuttlecraft, three turbolifts, two warp cores, and a partridge in a pair tree.”
Janeway says, “I have another idea, Culluh. How about you give us Seven of Nine and Mr. Kim and I won’t destroy your ship!”
Culluh says, “Actually, I liked my idea better.”
Janeway says, “No dice, Culluh! You pedantic drone! Mr. Tuvok, lock phasers on Culluh’s ship, and fire at will.” Tuvok says, “I’ve scanned the Kazon ship, Captain. And there is nobody on that ship named Will. Nobody even close!” Janeway says, “Tuvok, you twit! Just shoot the Kazon!”
So Tuvok complies and Voyager cripples the Kazon ship badly. Culluh pages Janeway again and says, “Captain Janeway, you beautiful and benevolent woman. I’ve decided that peace is a much more civilized alternative. We are returning Seven of Nine and Mr. Kim to you now.” With that, the two of them are beamed aboard, and Culluh’s ship retreats.
A couple hours later, a welcome home party is held for Seven and Kim. Unfortunately Seven and Kim are the only ones who show up for it. Kim says, “They no like us...” Seven replies, “Don’t you fret, baby. We’ll always have each other.” With that, Mr. Kim starts crying hysterically.
Meanwhile, Captain Janeway calls Chakotay to her ready room. Chakotay says, “What can I do for you, Captain?” Janeway says, “Don’t be so formal, Chakotay. You don’t have to call me Captain. ‘God’ or ‘Supreme Being’ will do just as well.”
Chakotay says, “Very well, what do you want?” Janeway says, “I’ve made a decision on your wedding proposal.”
Chakotay says, “And............???”
Janeway says, “Let’s do it, baby! Let’s get hitched!”
Chakotay says, “Hot damn!!”
Meanwhile... in Voyager’s brig...
Kes turns to Odo-Kes and says, “I hate this!! We’ve been stuck in this brig forever. And I’m sick and tired of it!!” Odo-Kes says, “Hey, you think you’ve got it bad?? I’ve had to pee since Chapter 29!!”
Meanwhile... on the Kazon ship...
Culluh says, “Okay Seska, what gives? Why did you think we should let Voyager go so easily??”
Seska says, “Look at the front page of today’s paper! The Borg are looking for a new Queen! And I’ve entered my name to the election. So far my only competition is Holo-Janeway of the Legion of Doom Reform Party. There is a debate scheduled for a just a few minutes from now.”
Culluh says, “Break a neck, Seska.”
Seska says, “I think you mean, ‘break a leg.’”
Culluh says, “Hell, break anything you want to win that election!”
A few hours later, the Borg Queen Election Debate is held... The first question is asked to Holo-Janeway: ‘How will you better the Borg Collective?’
Holo-Janeway says, “If elected Borg Queen, I will increase assimilations by 47% over the next five years. I will arrange for all Borg cubes to get new wallpaper and I vow to make the Borg as scary as they were in ‘The Best of Both Worlds.’ Let’s face it, Voyager has made the Borg seem like a bunch of timid mice!”
Seska says, “However, if you elect me as your Queen, I will increase the defense budget by 47%. We will build better and stronger maturation chambers. I will hold weekly meetings with the ‘everyday’ Borg to get their input on how I’m doing. My door will always be open, except for when I close it.”
Holo-Janeway says, “Oh yeah?? If you elect me as your Queen, I will launch a full-scale attack on Species 8472 and I will have two weekly meetings with the ‘everyday’ Borg. I will increase the amount of benefits for Borg Medicare. Our elderly drones have been overlooked for far too long.”
Seska rebuts, “Oh yeah?? If you elect me as your Queen, I will have illicit affairs with all of my Congressional aids, giving all drones something to gossip about during their morning breakfast!”
Holo-Janeway says, “Oh yeah?? If you elect me as your Queen, I will make every Friday ‘Borg Casual Day.’ You can wear your most comfortable implants and sometimes I’ll even dismiss work early!!”
The Borg Collective is torn between these two fascinating candidates. The time comes for them all to vote. Moments later, the Collective announces that the results of the Borg Election have come in...
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
The crew gathers for the wedding of the century: Janeway and Chakotay. The crew laughs their ass off over the fact that Janeway’s wearing a white wedding dress. But soon the wedding begins.
The priest asks, “Is there anybody here who knows a reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your bladder.”
A voice from the back of the room says, “Me!! I say this wedding must stop, here and now!” The crew turns around and sees Janeway’s holographic boyfriend Michael from Fair Haven in the back of the room.
Janeway says, “Michael?? What are you doing here??”
Michael replies, “I cannot let you marry Chakotay... I love you, my darling.”
Chakotay says, “Computer, end program.” With that, Michael vanishes. Chakotay turns to the priest and says, “Okay, Padre, you may continue now. I just hope nobody else dares to interrupt this wedding...”
Suddenly Locutus enters the room and says, “Captain!! I’ve finally finished the Kryptonite. We have the material we need to destroy the Legion of Doom once and for all!!”
Janeway says, “Cool!! We have no time to lose, let’s find the Legion of Doom and get rid of them forever. Chakotay, babe, I’m afraid the wedding will have to wait for another time.”
Chakotay mutters, “I hate Kryptonite...”
(And the human drama intensifies...)