Chapter 39: “The Final Chapter”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published March 27, 2000
I think this novelty has run its course. 😀 I better quit while I’m somewhat ahead... So here’s the Coronary conclusion:
“Captains Log: Stardate: It’s the End of the World as We Know It. And I feel fine. Here’s a rundown for those tuning in: That sneaky Locutus double-crossed us and as a result the Legion of Doom is poised to destroy us once and for all. I also shaved my head, under the misguided notion that it would win back Chakotay’s effections. Now I’m just left looking like Picard. So, I figured I’d make the day an absolute waste and so I’ve activated the self-destruct countdown...”
Sisko hails Voyager again, “Janeway! Is English your second language? I told you to surrender or be destroyed!” Janeway replies, “No dice, Sisko! I’ve begun the self-destruct countdown. In minutes, this ship will be destroyed.”
Sisko says, “Oh. Will you please turn it off so I can take over your ship?”
Janeway answers, “Nice try, Sisko. But the answer is no! I suggest you move to a safe distance.”
Sisko panics, “Damn! What are we going to do now? It seems we’ll never defeat Voyager!” Khan has an inspiration, “I know! I know! We will use our transporters to beam the entire Voyager crew into space. Once that’s done we will beam aboard Voyager and deactivate the self-destruct. And then... finally... we will control Voyager!”
At that moment, a mysterious figure beams aboard the Enterprise bridge. Khan is horrified when he realizes who the person is.... It’s his mother!! It’s Mrs. Khan! Yes, Mrs. Khan: The mother of all mothers!! Khan starts trembling and says, “Mama! What are you doing here?”
Mrs. Khan replies, “Dwight! You’d better not be thinking of murdering the Voyager crew, young man!”
Khan is totally embarassed and says, “Mother! Please! Don’t call me Dwight in front of my friends!!!”
Kirk and Nixon are in the corner laughing hysterically. “His name is Dwight???” Nixon laughs as the tears pour down his face.
Meanwhile... on Voyager...
Tuvok says, “Captain! I’ve just heard the most disturbing conversation on the Enterprise Eavesdropping Frequency!”
Janeway says, “Do tell.”
Tuvok explains, “It seems Khan’s mother has beamed aboard the Enterprise in order to scold him, and get this... His name is Dwight!”
Janeway says, “Dwight?? Oh, good heavens!”
Tuvok continues, “But the Legion of Doom is busy trying to deal with her at the moment. I think we can escape!” Janeway says, “Well done, Tuvok! Mr. Paris, set a course away from here...Warp 9.99999999999999975!”
Mr. Paris spends the next four minutes typing in all the 9’s properly. Then finally he says, “Ready!” With that, Voyager jumps to warp. Tuvok then says, “Okay Captain, now that we are out of harm’s way, you can deactivate the self-destruct.”
Janeway says, “Well, there’s one problem... I don’t know how to turn it off.”
Tuvok looks at the timer and says, “My God!! Captain, what are we going to do now? This ship will explode in less than five minutes!”
Janeway replies, “All hands: This is the Captain. I advise you all to make sure your life insurance has been paid up and that your organ donor cards are filled out. Because I think we’re doomed...”
Meanwhile... in the Borg Collective...
Queen Kes prepares her Borg troops for entering Fluidic Space and destroying Species 8472. Odo-Kes begins entering the calculations to open a vortex to Fluidic Space. At that moment, a vortex opens and Queen Kes blows on her trumpet and says, “Charge!!”
As soon as the Borg enter Fluidic Space, 47 trillion ships belonging to Species 8472 start heading right for them. Odo-Kes says, “Uh-oh. Um, Queen Kes, I’ve just realized something...”
Queen Kes says, “What is that?”
Odo-Kes responds, “The Borg aren’t capable of defeating Species 8472. We can only kill them if we have the weapons from Voyager.”
Queen Kes says, “My God! I think you’re right! I forget all about that whole ‘Scorpion’ thing...”
Odo-Kes then shouts, “Queen Kes!! The 8472 have begun attacking our Borg ships! 90% of them have already been destroyed!!!!”
Queen Kes says, “Oh dear. Bad idea! We should really try to leave. So no matter what happens, Odo-Kes, do not close the Vortex back into normal space!”
Odo-Kes then says, “Whoops... heh heh... I kind of already closed it...”
Queen Kes says with a dramatic flair, “My God, man, we’re doomed!”
Meanwhile... back on the Enterprise...
Mrs. Khan continues her lecture, “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, Dwight. First you do that whole superhuman genetic engineering stuff. Then you take over a quarter of the Earth, and now you hang out with these people. They can’t be a good influence on you!”
Sisko, the quick thinker he is, says, “Mrs. Khan. You don’t understand. It wasn’t Dwight’s fault. That ship that was just here, Voyager, they are bad kids. They were trying to give Dwight drugs, but Dwight said ‘Just say no.’ Do not fault him!”
Mrs. Khan says, “It was Voyager, eh? They were trying to peer pressure my baby?? Damn them! Set an intercept course!”
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
Torres shows Janeway a huge black box. And she says, “Captain, this is a huge black box.” Janeway says, “Thank you for the clarification.” Torres continues, “You don’t understand Captain, this huge black box contains the self-destruct bomb.” Janeway says, “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Torres says, “You mean, we should simply beam the bomb into space?”
Janeway says, “Well, actually I was thinking that we should go play in the Fair Haven holo-simulation, but your idea is good, too!”
Torres says, “Cool! I’ll beam it into space. I just hope something terrible doesn’t happen and the transporters go offline...”
Suddenly, WHAMMO! Voyager is rocked by phaser fire! Janeway says, “Chakotay?? What happened?”
Chakotay responds, “The Enterprise! They caught up with us and they fired on us!”
Janeway says, “What!? Didn’t you notice them approaching us?”
Chakotay answers, “Sorry, Captain, I was busy undressing Seven of Nine with my eyes. I kind of got lost in the moment...”
Janeway says, “Grrrrr!”
Torres then says, “Captain! The phasers knocked out our transporter power! We can’t beam the bomb away now!!!”
Janeway says, “Double Grrrrr! And the bomb is set to go off in two minutes...”
Torres says, “This is one hell of a long five minutes on that bomb!”
Janeway replies, “Chalk it up to dramatic license.”
Sisko hails Voyager again and says, “Game’s over, Janeway. Your goose is cooked. You’ve reached the end of the line!”
Janeway says, “Okay, okay. We surrender. I will hand Voyager over to you.”
Sisko says, “Good!”
Janeway says, “I’ve got the deed to Voyager right here in this huge black box. I’d transport it over to your ship, but our transporters are down. You should beam it aboard your ship.”
Sisko says, “Good idea! You’re being very helpful and considerate, and I appreciate that!”
Meanwhile... in Fluidic Space...
Species 8472 has destroyed every last Borg ship except for the one containing Kes and Odo-Kes. The 8472 close in on Kes and Odo-Kes. But instead of destroying them, Species 8472 beams them aboard their ship... and sends them into their brig.
Kes says, “So much for my reign of terror...”
Odo-Kes responds, “Do you think Species 8472 ever heard of a deck of cards?...”
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
Sisko activates the transporter and beams the huge black box over to the Enterprise.
Torres says to Janeway, “Good thinking, Captain! Now the Legion of Doom will be destroyed!”
Sisko opens the huge black box and says, “Janeway!! What the hell are you thinking??” Janeway says smugly, “Problem, Sisko?” Sisko says, “Yes! There is no deed in here! There is only a tuna fish sandwich, some Ritz crackers and a grape soda!”
Janeway says, “What??”
Torres blushes, “Oh God, I think I confused the bomb box with my lunch box!” Torres rushes to Engineering and grabs the real box. She then says to Janeway, “I found it Captain, this is the real thing!” Janeway says, “Finally! We only have two minutes until the bomb explodes!!”
Torres says, “Boy, you sure are milking this dramatic license thing, aren’t you?”
Janeway informs Sisko that they have the real box now. Sisko beams that box aboard. At that moment Janeway says, “Okay, let’s roll!!” With that, Voyager jumps to warp.
Sisko says, “My God! They just up and left!” Sisko then opens the box and says, “Good Gravy Marie, it’s a bomb!”
Mrs. Khan says, “What do you expect from drug pushers?”
Mysteriously, the last two minutes on the bomb timer start speeding up dramatically. Holo-Janeway says, “This whole dramatic license stuff is getting on my nerves!”
Moments later, the Enterprise is destroyed in a huge explosion... Voyager feels the shockwave of the explosion, and it temporarily knocks out all the lights on Voyager’s Bridge. Janeway takes advantage of this situation and quickly snatches Seven of Nine’s wig and places it on her head.
Moments later, power is restored to Voyager and Chakotay sees that Janeway has hair again and says, “Oh Janeway! You’re looking gooooood, baby!! Come say hi to Daddy!”
“Captain’s Log: Triumphant! Chakotay has finally agreed that we should get married. The wedding will be tomorrow afternoon. Seven of Nine has decided to give The Doctor another chance and the two of them have started dating. Torres and Paris have escalated their relationship, according to internal scans, the two of them have sexual relations four times a day now. Mr. Neelix and Mr. Tuvok have finally admitted to the crew that they are secretly gay lovers and the two of them have opened an Antique Store on Deck Nine. Mr. Kim has given up on women and has joined the priesthood. We have resumed a course for home... again. Even though we have utterly destroyed the Legion of Doom, our scans show that two escape pods were launched from the Enterprise just before the explosion. But I choose not to worry about them, I doubt we’ve seen the last of them. But they are such pedantic Drones that I don’t think they’ll pose much of a threat to us. The Engineering crew has perfected the slipstream technology and we should be back on Earth in a matter of days. All’s well that ends well, that’s what I always say...”
Meanwhile... on a desert island in the South Pacific...
A waiter hands two drinks to some people on the beach... It’s Seska and Nixon. Seska starts laughing hysterically. Nixon says, “What’s so funny, darlin’?”
Seska replies, “I booby-trapped the holographic minister that will be doing the wedding for Chakotay and Janeway. The moment he pronounces them husband and wife, the ship will be destroyed in a gigantic fireball!”
Nixon says, “Wow!! I’m impressed! You are much cooler than Spiro Agnew! How did you ever devise such a beautiful plan?”
Seska replies, “Because I’m mean...”
(insert demonic laughter)
(Insert big huge neon sign which reads “THE END!!!)