Chapter 40: “The Undoing of the Final Chapter!”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published March 28, 2000
Archivist’s Note: Thanks to the impassioned pleas of several TrekBBS members, Cureboy agreed to keep the Coronary series going. Phew!
“Captain’s Log: It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times. Things have gone terribly wrong since my previous blissful log entry. Isn’t that convenient? The relationship between Seven of Nine and the Doctor has taken a dramatic turn for the worse. I would investigate it, but I really don’t have any desire to speak with Seven of Nine. Another rumor is spreading through out the ship that the relationship between Torres and Paris has ended suddenly. Apparently Paris called out the Delaney sisters’ names during their last sexual encounter. Torres was not pleased. And, imagine my surprise when I realized that Tuvok and Neelix were not gay lovers. That was only a stereotypical rumor that got out once Tuvok and Neelix opened their antique shop on Deck Nine. Surprisingly, Harry Kim is still becoming a priest, although he assures me it will not interfere with his Starfleet duties. And fortunately, there are still two happy things going on. Number one, our new enhanced warp drive is bringing us closer and closer to Earth, and today is finally my wedding day with Chakotay.”
Suddenly, Janeway’s log entry is interrupted by a knock on her door. Janeway opens the door to see Mr. Kim, wearing a priest outfit. Janeway says, “Father Kim? Is there something I can help you with?”
Father Kim replies, “Yes, Captain. I was just wondering... Have you found Jesus?” Janeway says, “I hadn’t realized Jesus was missing. Computer: Locate Jesus.” The computer replies, “Jesus is not on board.”
Father Kim is angry, “Janeway! You blasphemer! You will have to say 47 Hail Marys!”
Janeway replies, “I’ve got a better idea, how ‘bout I drink 47 Bloody Marys?” With that, Father Kim faints.
Janeway says, “Damn! I guess this means Father Kim can’t perform the ceremony between Chakotay and I. Never fear, I will use the holographic minister.”
Meanwhile... on the desert island...
Nixon says, “Oh Seska, so you really planted a bomb in Voyager’s holographic minister. How ingenious!”
Seska replies, “Thank you, I know. But it’s kind of a hollow victory. The whole rest of the Legion of Doom is gone forever. It’s just you and me, Nixon.”
Nixon says, “I’ve been giving that some thought, Seska. I’ve decided that I want you to implant the DNA of Khan’s mother inside of me... I want you to turn me into Khan’s mother!”
Seska asks, “But why??”
Nixon replies, “Basically, it seems that the character of Khan’s mother is far more entertaining than my character. They have not renewed my contract.”
Seska says, “Oh Nixon, I’m so sorry. But never fear, I will begin the transformation.”
Meanwhile... in the Species 8472 brig...
Kes says, “Okay, Odo-Kes, we have to get out of here!”
Odo-Kes replies, “But how?? The brig is locked, and we have no way of breaking that lock.”
Kes says, “On the contrary, Odo-Kes. You forget, you are a shapeshifter! You can change your form into the key of the lock, and them WHAMMO, I will escape!”
Odo-Kes says, “But, my Queen! I don’t think you understand! That is an incredibly radical shapeshifting process. When it is complete, I will be dead!”
Kes replies, “Wow, sucks to be you! Now get started on your transformation!”
Odo-Kes says, “Yes, my Queen.”
Meanwhile... in Voyager’s wedding chapel...
Neelix whispers to Tuvok, “You know, Tuvok. I never even realized Voyager had a wedding chapel...” Tuvok replies, “Indeed.” Neelix says, “I think it’s very very quaint.” Tuvok replies, “Indeed.”
Two macho crew members walk by and Neelix says, “Yeah, Tuvok, like I was saying, I saw this girl on Deck Twelve and she had the biggest hooters you ever did see!!”
Tuvok replies, “Indeed.”
After the macho crew members leave Neelix says, “Good, I had to preserve my manhood. People still think we are a gay couple. Isn’t that crazy?”
Tuvok replies, “Neelix, go sit somewhere else, you bother me!”
Torres runs into the Doctor in the halls and says, “Doctor, I hear you and Seven are on the outs.” The Doctor replies, “Yes, that Borg bonehead dumped me after I gave her a new hairdo!”
Torres says, “Really? She didn’t like the big red hair you gave her?”
The Doctor answers, “Apparently not, Seven thinks she shouldn’t look like Lucille Ball...”
Torres says, “Don’t worry Doctor, I have a perfect plan. The two of us will pretend to be dating. That way Seven will get jealous of me, and Tom will get jealous of you.”
The Doctor replies, “Oh, how sneaky! That’s a brilliant plan, Torres!”
As the wedding is about to begin Tom Paris makes an announcement, “Your attention please! I have an announcement. Now that The Doctor and B’Elanna are dating, I can now announce my intentions to go after Seven of Nine and make her mine!”
The Doctor turns to Torres and says, “Dumb-ass idea, Torres!”
So finally... The wedding is about to begin... again. Janeway starts walking down the aisle... again. The crew is nervous with anticipation... again.
Meanwhile... Seska watches the ceremony on Pay-Per-View. Nixon is in a transformation chamber turning into Mrs. Khan. The waitress comes over to Seska. And Seska says, “Oh, this is too funny! Janeway and Chakotay have no idea that Voyager will explode once the minister pronounces them husband and wife!”
The waitress responds, “Well, that’s a pretty stupid and obvious statement to make, Ma’am. If Chakotay and Janeway did know Voyager would explode when the minister announced them as husband and wife, then they would ask the minister not to announce them as husband and wife.”
Seska turns to the waitress, and with an evil look in her eye says, “No tip for you!!”
Meanwhile... in Fluidic Space...
Odo-Kes turns into a key and opens the brig doors. Moments later he turns into a pile of goo on the floor. Kes says, “So long, Odo-Kes!”
With that, Kes tries to make her way to the escape pod. She is stopped dead in her tracks by the 8472 who looks like Boothby.
Boothby says, “And where do you think you’re going?” Kes replies, “I’m trying to escape, will you please get out of my way?” Boothby says, “No Dice, Queen Kes. We cannot let the Borg Queen escape under any circumstances!”
Kes replies, “You know, I do need a new Borg vice president. Are you interested in the job?”
Boothby says, “Cool!! Let me show you the way to the escape pods!”
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
The marriage between Chakotay and Janeway has nearly reached its climax. The minister gets to the part where he says, “Is there anybody here who knows why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your bladder...”
A voice from the back of the room shouts, “I object to this wedding!” The crew turns around to see an unfamiliar face in the back of the chapel.
Chakotay says, “Now, who the hell are you?”
The man says, “My name is Billy Ray... Billy Ray Braga... I am Kathryn’s first husband!”
Janeway says, “Billy Ray! What are you doing here? You are presumed dead!”
Chakotay says, “What do you mean, presumed dead?”
Janeway replies, “I married this man fifteen years ago. And then one day, he left for the supermarket and he never returned. I had to presume him dead.”
Billy Ray says, “Jeez, Kathryn, give me a break. I was only gone fifteen years. I had trouble finding the Hamburger Helper!”
The holographic minister says, “Obviously, I cannot marry you two today! Captain Janeway is obviously already married!”
Janeway says, “Damn!! I can’t believe this! Billy Ray, how in the Hell did you know where I was?”
Billy Ray replies, “A nice young priest named Father Kim told me.”
Father Kim enters the Chapel with a smug look on his face and says, “You should have gone with the Hail Marys, Janeway. I wouldn’t have had to be so vengeful...”
Meanwhile... on Seska’s Island...
Mrs. Khan returns and Seska says, “Well hey, Mrs. Khan. I’m so glad to have you back! By the way, do you have a first name?”
Mrs. Khan replies, “Yes. It’s Connie. Connie Khan. But everybody calls me Mrs. Khan.”
Seska replies, “Very well. You won’t believe what happened! Janeway’s husband came back from the dead and now the wedding won’t happen.”
Mrs. Khan says, “What are you watching, Ryan’s Hope or something??”
Seska says, “No! I was watching Janeway and Chakotay’s doomed marriage ceremony. Damn!! Now I have to find some way of getting even with Voyager. You know, Mrs. Khan. I realize that we are the only two people left in the Legion of Doom, but we have to mount an attack force against Voyager.”
Mrs. Khan says, “Well, we’ll need a starship!”
Seska replies, “Yes, I know. Maybe we can rent a starship. Bring me the Yellow Pages.”
Seska flips through the Yellow Pages and says, “A-HA! This one sounds perfect!”
Seska dials the number and says, “Uh yes, hello? Is this the Enterprise Rent-A-Car Company? I need to rent a Starship Enterprise...”
The car dealer says, “You do realize we charge by the mile?”
Seska replies, “Yes, I know. But we can handle it, we’re only going to the Delta Quadrant...”
(And my very own version of the Reset Button is complete!!!)