Chapter 41: “The Holier-Than-Thou Seven of Nine”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published April 22, 2000
“Captain’s Log: Stardate: Confusion and lots of it. Imagine my surprise when the man of my dreams got merged with the dreaded back-from-the-dead husband. Sounds like a good topic for Springer. Anyways, I’ve decided to resume a course toward home... again. We finished doing battle with the LUSTers, and I doubt we’ve seen the last of them. Oh yes, how I doubt we’ve seen the last of them. If there’s one group of people I doubt we’ve seen the last of... it’s them.”
Janeway’s melodramatic log entry is interrupted by a knock at her door. Janeway answers it and the Doctor walks in. Janeway asks, “So, Doctor, can you separate Chekov-otay back into two separate beings?”
The Doctor replies, “Captain, the situation is more startling than I first anticipated. The transporter accident didn’t really cause a merging of Chekov and Chakotay. It seems Chekov was killed in the transporter accident, and his evil spirit possessed Chakotay!”
Janeway says, “Possessed?? How dreadful! Are you saying we have to do some sort of exorcism?”
The Doctor answers, “You are correct, Janie.”
Janeway says, “Wow! I need to find somebody who can perform an exorcism. And did you call me Janie?”
The Doctor says, “Yes.”
Janeway says, “Don’t!”
Moments later, Seven of Nine comes rushing to Janeway’s quarters and says, “Captain, I understand you need to perform an exorcism on Commander Chakotay?”
Janeway replies, “Wow, there’s no fooling you, Seven!”
Seven says, “It just so happens that when I was a Borg, I helped assimilate the USS Vatican. We added the 47 priests on board to the Borg Collective.” Janeway’s flabbergasted, “You assimilated 47 priests??!! Jeepers! Good luck explaining that one to Saint Peter...”
Seven says, “The point I’m trying to make is that I have the knowledge of all 47 priests. I can perform the exorcism on Commander Chakotay!”
Janeway says, “Oh Seven... Thank you! Is there anything you need from us?”
Seven answers, “Yes. I need a Holy Bible and I need lots of hot water.”
The Doctor interrupts, “Excuse me Seven, hot water is for delivering babies. You need holy water for an exorcism.”
Seven replies, “My bad...”
Meanwhile... in the Legion of Under-used Star Trekkers, or LUST...
The LUSTers are licking their wounds from their latest defeat by Voyager. Sulu turns to Uhura and says, “My God, Uhura, you shouldn’t be licking that wound on the Bridge... It’s obscene... Do that one in your quarters!!”
Uhura replies, “Sorry, Captain Sulu,” and she puts her pants back on.
Sulu makes an announcement, “I have developed a new half-baked plan that will surely help us to defeat Voyager!! As you may or may not know, the USS Excelsior has recently been upgraded to have our very own Emergency Medical Hologram.”
Dr. Crusher interrupts, “I swore I’d never use one of those things...”
Sulu says, “Too bad!! Our EMH looks just like the Voyager’s EMH. Except my plan is this: I’m going to delete the ethical subroutines from our EMH and give him some really cool sneaky/evil sub-routines!”
Sulu makes the modifications and activates the Evil-EMH. The Evil-EMH appears and says, “Please state the nature of the sabotage or evil you’d like me to unleash at this time.”
Sulu says, “Well, Evil-EMH. Here’s the plan. We’re going to have to get close to Voyager and launch an attack on them. We’ll need to disable their shields. Once we do, we will beam you aboard Voyager and we’ll kidnap their goody-two-shoes EMH!”
Evil-EMH says, “Oh, how dastardly... Then what??”
Sulu says, “I want to make Voyager suffer. I want to make the Voyager crew suffer. I want them to suffer the torments of the damned. I want to drive them insane from the suffering.”
Evil-EMH says, “So you want me to steal Janeway’s clothes and make her run around the ship naked?”
Sulu says, “Well, I’m not that mean! But I want you to slowly poison the Voyager crew, with some Cardassian rat poison!” (insert loud thunder)
Uhura says, “Cardassian rat poison???” (insert more loud thunder)
Sulu says, “Yes! That poison will slowly eat away at their bodies.”
Evil-EMH says, “Understood. I will give them all Cardassian rat poison!” (insert even louder thunder)
Sulu says, “Installing thunder sound effects may have been my best improvement to the Excelsior...”
Meanwhile... in the Borg Collective...
Queen Kes says, “What’s the status of our plan to assimilate the Earth?” Boothby answers, “I don’t understand. The assimilation virus has not spread. Mr. Barclay has not spread the virus to anybody.” Queen Kes answers, “That’s impossible!! Where is Mr. Barclay now??”
Boothby does some research and says, “Oh my!! I’ve discovered what happened to Barclay. Apparently minutes after he opened the letter, he started wandering aimlessly around his neighborhood, when a big car came along and ran him over!”
Queen Kes is mad, “What?? A car, in the 24th century?? And now Barclay is dead??”
Boothby says, “Wait! It wasn’t really a car... It was a starship. A starship designed to look like a minivan!” Queen Kes says, “A starship minivan?? I know of only one group of people in the universe that has that kind of technology!” Boothby says, “You mean....”
Queen Kes says, “Yes!! It was the Mother Against Legions of Terror Evil and Doom... Or MALTED!”
Queen Kes and Boothby pause, expectantly...
Queen Kes finally says, “We need to get some thunder in the Collective, this doesn’t seem melodramatic enough...”
Boothby says, “So what now?”
Queen Kes says, “Obviously that Mrs. Khan is a very determined woman. She killed Barclay to prevent us from assimilating the Earth. If we try again, then the MALTEDs will undoubtedly try to stop us again.” Boothby says, “We must stop the MALTEDs... But how??”
Queen Kes says excitedly, “Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!! I’ve got it!! We can utilize our holographic Borg technology to create a Holo-Khan. And we’ll hold him prisoner! The MALTEDs will have no choice but to surrender. Boothby, get started on creating a Holo-Khan!!”
Meanwhile... Back on Voyager...
Seven of Nine has prepared Holodeck Two for the Exorcism. Janeway and Neelix enter the Holodeck and sees Chekov-otay tied to the bed. Janeway says, “Kinky!!”
Seven explains, “No, Captain. I had to tie him up for his own good. I must ask you both to leave, as I am about to start the exorcism. And it could get ugly.”
Neelix says, “Okay Seven, but you wanted to know what Chekov-otay’s eaten over the past 72 hours. And I’m here to report that Chekov-otay has eaten nothing but green pea soup for the past 3 days.”
Seven sighs, “Oh dear, I have a feeling this could get really really gross!”
Moments later, Seven begins the exorcism. She starts pouring beer all over Chekov-otay. Seven turns to Janeway and says, “I couldn’t find the holy water, so I had to improvise.” With that, Neelix and Janeway leave. Seven continues her exorcism, “I cast you out, unclean spirit. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Toledo. You will be exorcised. Resistance is futile!”
Janeway and Neelix wait outside the Holodeck. Neelix says, “Captain, did you see all the cameras inside that holodeck?” Janeway says, “Oh, I know. Seven wanted to video tape the entire exorcism.” Neelix says, “But why??” Janeway explains, “She wanted to be just like Jane Fonda... She wanted to have her own exorcise video.” (ba dum bum)
Janeway’s bad pun is interrupted by Tuvok who says, “Captain!! The Excelsior is returning... And they are opening fire.”
Janeway rushes to the bridge and says, “Tuvok! We don’t have time for this!” Tuvok says, “Well, shall I ask the Excelsior if they can reschedule their attack for another time?”
Janeway says, “Hmmmm... I think the plea will fall on deaf ears. Let’s just destroy the bastards!”
Tuvok says, “Powering up the bastard-destroying phasers.”
On the Excelsior... Dr. Crusher reports, “Voyager’s shields are down to 47%.” Sulu barks, “Keep firing!!” Uhura asks, “Should I open the hailing frequencies?” Sulu says, “Do you ever do anything besides open hailing frequencies?”
Uhura says, “Sometimes I close them, too.”
Crusher says, “Their shields are continuing to fail... They’re down to 40%.”
Suddenly, Scotty comes rushing to the Bridge and says, “Captain! I’ve just checked the continuity logs!” Sulu says, “And???” Scotty continues, “According to the logs, this particular episode of Voyager will allow you to beam through the shields!!”
Sulu says, “Cool!! Lock on to Voyager’s EMH and beam him aboard, and then beam aboard the Evil-EMH at the same time.”
Moments later, the transaction is complete. Sulu says, “Good work, boys and girls... Let’s get out here... Warp speed!!”
Back on Voyager...
Janeway says, “How odd! The Excelsior just suddenly stopped their attack and left... That’s strange...”
Tuvok says, “Captain, shall I check the sensors to see if any members of our crew were beamed to Excelsior and replaced with an evil imposter??” Janeway says, “Nah, I wouldn’t worry about it...”
Janeway heads down to the holodeck to see how the exorcism is going. When she arrives, she sees that Chakotay has returned to his old, boring self. And she sees Seven of Nine with a mop cleaning up gallons and gallons of pea soup off the floor.
Janeway says, “Oh Chakotay... My love... You’re back!!”
Chakotay says, “Yes!! At last... We can be married!”
The Evil-EMH joins the crew on the Holodeck and says, “I think this calls for a celebration. Captain Janeway, would you like a cup of coffee? It’s my own special blend.”
Janeway says, “Sure!”
The Evil-EMH then laughs to himself and says, “This is the beginning of their undoing... Mwaaa ha ha ha ha.” And gets out his packet of Cardassian rat poison...
Meanwhile... in the Borg Collective...
Queen Kes says, “Well, Boothby, how did it go, did you create Holo-Khan?” Boothby says, “Well, kind of... There was a little bit of a problem.”
Queen Kes says, “Explain!”
Boothby says, “Well, I did create a Holo-Khan, but the machine malfunctioned, so now we also have Genghis Khan and we also have Shaka Khan.” Queen Kes says, “Really?? Three Khans?? Good work Boothby, even more hostages. Sounds like we’re having a Khan-vention... hee-hee-hee...”
The Collective goes silent. Queen Kes says, “Laugh, you drones!!”
And the Borg Collective doubles over in laughter.....