Chapter 42: “Where the Kisses are Hers and Hers and His”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published April 27, 2000
“Captain’s Log: Agony. I’ve been confined to Sickbay after drinking the Doctor’s special blend of coffee. I’m beginning to suspect that there was something wrong with that coffee. Especially since I coughed up several internal organs earlier today. Two other people have drunk the tainted coffee also: Commander Chakotay and Seven of Nine. The three of us have been confined to Sickbay together while the Doctor works feverishly on a cure to this malady. The illness has forced Chakotay and I to postpone our marriage... again. Tuvok has taken command and has resumed a course toward home... again. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to vomit... again.”
The Evil-EMH excuses himself and goes to Deck 9 to the unauthorized message sending array and makes contact with the USS Excelsior. He says, “Captain Sulu. My work here is complete. I’ve poisoned the Captain, Chakotay and Seven of Nine.”
Sulu’s voice booms, “Excellent work, my young apprentice. You will now proceed to stage two of our plan: Dumping Janeway, Seven and Chakotay! Once that’s complete, you will use the rest of the Cardassian rat poison to kill the rest of the crew.... Mwaaa ha ha!”
The Evil-EMH responds, “Okay, Sulu, you’re kind of overdoing the villian role... Evil-EMH out.”
The Evil-EMH returns to Sickbay and says, “Okay Captain. I have some disturbing news. I have no way of curing your illness. Your only hope is for the three of you to be left behind on an alien planet... Preferably one with a little monkey running around. Voyager will have to leave you behind.”
Janeway says, “Oh, how terrible. Well, look at the bright side, Chakotay. You and I can finally be married and live out our lives together on this alien planet!”
Chakotay wonders, “If we get married, what about Seven of Nine?”
Janeway laughs gleefully, “Looks like she’ll be spanking the monkey for entertainment...”
Seven is not amused...
Meanwhile... on The Excelsior...
Voyager’s EMH is still being held prisoner. He tries desperately to think of a plan to escape. He says, “Hmmmm. Maybe somehow I can use the computer to sabatoge. Computer: Give me access to Excelsior’s primary systems.”
The computer responds, “Unable to comply. Level-47 authorization required.”
The Doc tries again, “Please... Can I have access to Excelsior’s primary systems?”
The ever-gullible computer says, “Access granted!”
The Doctor begins fiddling with the controls and creates a holographic man who looks exactly like... Suder! Voyager’s most popular psychopath. Holo-Suder says, “Hello, my master, how can I help you?”
The Doctor replies, “We need to take control of Excelsior, and then we have to return to Voyager. There is a duplicate EMH who is plotting to murder the entire crew.”
Holo-Suder replies, “I just need to breathe... See the light that is my breath.”
The Doctor says, “Who the hell are you supposed to be? You need to work on your philosophical phrases!” Holo-Suder is confused and The Doctor continues, “Okay Holo-Suder, I need you to go to the Bridge and kill them all. All of the LUSTers!” Holo-Suder says, “And what are you going to do while I do all your dirty work?? Just sit here and play checkers??” The Doctor replies, “That makes no sense! Checkers is a two-player game. I’ll be playing a one-person game. I’ll be playing with myself.”
Holo-Suder says, “Don’t do that too often, Doc. You’ll go blind.”
Meanwhile... in the Borg Collective...
Boothby announces, “Queen Kes! I’ve notified Mrs. Khan that we are holding the three Khans hostage. It should be no time at all until they arrive.”
Kes replies, in a booming voice, “Well done! We’ll be able to destroy Mrs. Khan once and for all, and then nothing will stand in our way to assimilate the Earth and then... The galaxy!!”
Boothby says, “You do melodrama so well!!”
Minutes later a ship decloaks off the Cube’s port bow. Kes says, “What ship is that?!?”
Boothby says, “It’s the Reliant!!”
Kes says, “Hail them!!”
Mrs. Khan appears on screen and says, “Hello, Borg Collective. I am now in command of my own starship, the USS Reliant!”
Kes says “Well, listen here lady, you will surrender or I will kill all my Khan-Clones and I will fire phasers on you!”
Mrs. Khan says, “Phasers don’t faze me!”
Kes says, “Damn!! She’s going through a phasers-don’t-faze-her phase!”
Mrs. Khan continues, “You are the one who will surrender... Or my fleet will destroy you!”
With that, three other ships decloak around the Reliant. We have the USS Defiant, the USS Compliant and the USS Potential Client.
Kes panics, “My God!! Four starships!! We’ll never be able to survive! Our fate has been sealed!” Boothby reminds Kes, “Um, my Queen, you forget that we are the friggin’ Borg Collective!! We have about 150 trillion ships in our Collective.”
Kes says, “Oh yeah!! I forgot about that. Attention all drones, assimilate those bastards!”
With that, the specially trained bastard-assimilating drones beam to the four starships. Minutes later, they are all drones. Including Mrs. Khan!
Kes says, “There will be nothing to stop us now!!”
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
Janeway, Chakotay and Seven of Nine are brought to their new home: Alpha Omega Kappa (or AOK). Neelix feels obliged to warn the trio. He says, “This is a very very old-fashioned planet. It is ruled by a man called Prime Minister Roper. He would never allow two women and one man to live in the same home.”
Janeway says, “Well, what are we going to do??”
Neelix replies, “I suggest you tell Prime Minister Roper that Chakotay is gay. Otherwise you’ll be banished from this planet and you will die.”
Janeway growls, “Are you telling me that Chakotay and I still can’t get married?”
Neelix says, “Yup!! Okay, well we have to be going. Would you like to give a farewall speech to the crew, Captain?”
Janeway nods her head and gives her speech, “I wish I could say that being your Captain has been a privilege. But mostly it’s been a pain in my ass! You people couldn’t fly a shuttlecraft to save your life! The only thing most of you know how to do is tell me what percent our shields are at. I’m quite frankly very happy to be rid of you numb-skulls!”
With that, Neelix promptly punches Janeway in the mouth and says, “Good luck... And God speed.”
Moments later, Neelix returns to Voyager and they leave Janeway, Chakotay and Seven behind. The “Good Riddance” party on Voyager is scheduled for later that evening.
On the planet, Janeway, Chakotay and Seven are busy fixing up their new home. Prime Minister Roper comes up to them and says, “Wait!! What are you people doing?? I will not allow two girls and a guy to live in one house together. I demand an explanation!”
Janeway explains, “Oh, you see, Chakotay here is gay.”
Seven continues, “Gay as gay can be. Hasn’t missed a parade in 10 years!”
Roper asks, “Is this true, Chakotay??”
Chakotay says, “You better believe Prime Minister. Why, you’re so yummy, I could just eat you up!”
Roper says, “Uh.... No thanks!! However, I think you’d be perfect for my next door neighbor.”
Moments later Roper returns with a very familiar person. Roper says, “Chakotay, this is my gay neighbor... Wesley Crusher!”
Chakotay screams in horror.......
Meanwhile... back in the Borg Collective...
Kes is finalizing her plans to conquer the universe when the newly-assimilated Mrs. Khan rushes up to her and says, “Kes!! I have terrible, terrible news!”
Kes says, “Do tell.”
Mrs. Khan replies, “There has been a terrible outbreak on several Borg ships. Somehow, some sort of violent rodent has infested all Borg cubes. These rodents are very deadly and threaten to wipe out the Collective!”
Kes says, “What kind of rodents are they??”
Mrs. Khan answers, “They are Cardassian rats!!”
Kes says, “My God!! If only we had some Cardassian rat poison!”
Boothby runs a quick scan and says, “My Queen!! Good news. I have found a great supply of Cardassian rat poison in Sector 474747 Beta 47 Alpha.”
Kes asks, “Are there any ships in the area?”
Bootbhy replies, “It looks like there are two ships: the Excelsior and Voyager.”
Kes says, “Hmmmm... I’m sensing a build-up to a climactic battle. Set a course!”
Meanwhile... on the Excelsior...
Uhura says, “Good news!! Voyager has left the Captain and the others behind an alien world. And now they’re entering the same sector as us!”
Sulu’s voice booms, “Good work! I’m sensing a build-up to a climactic battle. Let’s go to Red Alert!”
Holo-Suder sneaks his way through the turbolift and enters the Bridge. The Excelsior crew spins around in horror as they see Holo-Suder exit the Bridge.
Holo-Suder says, “Not so fast, Captain Sulu! You are nothing but a dumb-ass helmsman! The game is over. You’ve reached the end of the line! The opera is over and the fat lady has sung. You’re out of options. You won’t escape this time. You are totally doomed. You will surrender... immediately!!!”
Sulu starts laughing his ass off. Holo-Suder is confused.
Sulu finally says, “Oh, Holo-Suder. Your threats amuse me. I might even be scared if you were holding some sort of weapon.”
Holo-Suder says, “Oh damn!! I forgot a weapon!! Heh heh... About that dumb-ass helmsman stuff...”
Sulu’s voice booms, “Kill him... immediately!!”