Chapter 44: “Now That’s What I Call Fury!”

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published May 9, 2000

“Captain Neelix’s Log: Stardate: Forgotten. I’m still commanding Voyager at the moment. We’ve retrieved a cure that should allow Seven, Janeway and Chakotay to come back to us. Tuvok has infiltrated the USS Excelsior in order destroy the dastardly Captain Sulu. And unbeknowst to us at this time, the Evil-Excelsior Doc is still in our Sickbay. Makes you wonder how I was able to put this little factoid into my log entry, considering it’s unbeknowst to us. But I’m sure at some point it will be beknownst...”

Neelix’s poor grammar is interrupted by a page from Mr. Paris who says, “Captain Neelix, you told me you wanted me to let you know when we’ve reached Alpha Omega Kappa.”

Neelix replies, “Yes Mr. Paris, I did tell you that. Glad to see you haven’t forgotten. Okay, well Neelix out...”

Paris pages again, “No Neelix, you don’t understand... We’ve reached Alpha Omega Kappa.”

Neelix says, “Oooooooooh. Now I get it. I’m on my way...”

Meanwhile, on the planet Alpha Omega Kappa. The same-sex wedding of Chakotay and Wesley Crusher is about to begin. Janeway (who still wants to marry Chakotay herself) begins making snide comments about Wesley at the church. She says to Seven, “I can’t believe the nerve of that Wesley Crusher. He had the nerve to wear a white wedding dress. Oh puh-leez...”

And the wedding is in full swing. Luckily, the minister gets to the part where he asks, “Does anybody know a reason why these two should not get hitched?? If so, please speak now or forever hold your bladder.”

Janeway stands up triumphantly and screams, “Oh, hell yeah!! I’ve got tons and tons of reasons why they shouldn’t be married!!”

The minister replies, “You don’t count, Janeway! You talk far too much as it is. Now sit down!!” Janeway is flabbergasted. And the priest continues, “By the power vested in me by the Delta Quadrant Wedding Bureau and Department of Roads, I know pronounce these two...”

Suddenly, a beam-out occurs!! Voyager beams Chakotay, Seven and Janeway back to the ship. Janeway is quite pleased. She says to Neelix, “You have perfect timing, Mr. Neelix. Not bad for your first day in the big chair.”

A misty-eyed Mr. Kim says to himself, “I remember when she used to say that about me... sigh...” And a single tear runs down his cheek. Chakotay, Janeway and Seven are given the cure, and their condition improves. The coach decides to put them back into the game. Chakotay says, “Janeway, my beloved bun-haired babe, we’ve been given another chance to solidify our love. We should get married... now!!”

Janeway says, “No, Chakotay... Not yet. We must retrieve Tuvok from the Excelsior. I can’t get married without my favorite Vulcan here.”

Chakotay says, “Grrrr! Okay, let’s set a course for Excelsior...”

Meanwhile... The battle between The Excelsior and the Borg Collective continues...

Captain Sulu makes a suggestion to Queen Kes, “My Queen, I have a good idea. Why don’t we form an alliance? We will give you all the Cardassian rat poison you need, you can save the Borg Collective from the rodent infestation. And in return you will help us defeat Voyager.”

Queen Kes chuckles and says, “Very good idea, Captain Sulu! You beam the rat poison aboard, and then we’ll be best buds.”

Captain Sulu is suspicious, “You know... The Borg have a tendency of being very scorpion-like. You aren’t going to destroy us after we give you the poison, are you?”

Queen Kes says, “Now that’s just plain offensive!! The Borg are not Indian Givers!”

Captain Sulu says, “Very well. Transporter room, beam the poison to the Borg.”

47 seconds later Queen Kes says, “Oh thank you, Captain Sulu, you’ve saved the Borg Collective. I will never forget your gesture of warmth and good will. Okay, Boothby, destroy them!”

Captain Sulu says, “Now that’s just mean!”

Meanwhile, Holo-Suder pulls Tuvok aside and says, “Okay Tuvok. I think Voyager is on its way here. I’m going to find a way to beam you and the Voyager EMH back to Voyager.”

Tuvok says, “But wait! If you do this, Captain Sulu will surely kill you!”

Holo-Suder says, “I know. He will be incredibly angry. He will likely beat me over the head with a lead pipe.”

Tuvok says, “Wow. Well, good luck with that...” And with that, Tuvok grabs the Voyager EMH and they race toward the transporter room.

The Voyager EMH is still malfunctioning and he screams, “Get your Vulcan hands off me... now!” With that, The Voyager EMH punches Tuvok in the mouth and knocks about six teeth out of Tuvok’s mouth.

The Voyager EMH then says, “Damn! Where’s your teeth? You look like you’re from Kentucky!”

Moments later, Voyager arrives on the scene. They see the Borg ship just beating the hell out of Excelsior. Janeway says, “My God!! Excelsior is doomed! Mr. Kim, hail Captain Sulu!”

Captain Sulu says, “Oh Janeway. Thank God you are here! Have you come to save us from the Borg?”

Janeway replies, “No, I’ve pretty much come to laugh my ass off at your defeat. MWAAAAA HA HA HA HA.... MWAAAA HA HA HA HA HA... MWAAAA HA HA HA.... Janeway out!”

At that moment, Lt. Torres beams Tuvok and the Voyager EMH back to Voyager. Torres says, “What in the world?? Who are you, we already have an EMH!”

Tuvok says, “No! The Doctor in Sickbay is an imposter!” And with a few clicks on the console, the evil EMH is utterly destroyed!

Torres says, “Okay, well now I have to get to work restoring our EMH to his full potential!”

Torres, Tuvok and The Doctor race to Sickbay and Torres begins the exhaustive process. She then realizes Tuvok is missing six teeth. Torres says, “Oh Tuvok, the ‘Kentucky look’ isn’t really your style!”

Tuvok says, “I know, but my teeth cannot be repaired until the Doctor is fixed.”

Torres says, “You’re wrong Tuvok.... Computer: Activate the EDH... The Emergency Dental Hologram!”

At that moment, a hologram with a really big and toothy smile appears and says, “Please state the nature of the oral emergency... Rinse!!”

Torres says, “You must repair Tuvok’s teeth.” And the EDH begins working on Tuvok.

Meanwhile, Janeway watches triumphantly as the Borg intensify their attack on Excelsior. Sulu continually hails Janeway and says, “Pleeeeeease Janeway. Help us!! Pleeeeease!”

Janeway is starting to feel guilty and considers helping Captain Sulu. Then Captain Sulu makes a fatal mistake. He says, “Pleeeeeeease Captain Janeway. Help us! I know you’re a woman and hardly capable to handle being a starship captain... But you’re our only hope!”

Janeway says, “Bad mistake, Sulu!! Let’s get out of here... Warp 12!”

Mr. Paris says, “Captain, there is no such thing as Warp 12.”

Janeway says, “Really?? I never got that memo... Anyways, let’s go to Warp 9.”

With that, Voyager disappears into the sunset, which is difficult to do in outer space by the way, moments later the Borg fire their most lethal torpedoes and the USS Excelsior is blown to pieces!

Mrs. Khan says, “At last, they are destroyed!! Good work, my Queen.”

Queen Kes says, “Oh, it’s nothing. But I am pretty damn smart, aren’t I?”

Then Boothby says, “Well, now what are we going to do?”

Queen Kes says, “Wow, I really don’t know. We still have a couple more chapters. Let’s develop our most diabolical plan yet...” (insert the standard thunder sound effect)

Meanwhile... on Voyager...

Janeway goes to Sickbay to check on Tuvok and The Doctor. Torres reports that she’s still repairing the Doctor, but that Tuvok’s dental examination is finished. Janeway discusses the treatment with the EDH and then deactivates him. Tuvok regains consciousness and says, “Captain, please tell me I have a full set of teeth now...”

Janeway says, “You certainly do, Tuvok. All teeth accounted for.”

Tuvok says, “Oh, thank heavens. I was worried that I could never eat corn on the cob again. So tell me, how did he fix my teeth? Please don’t tell me he put gold fillings in my mouth, I can’t stand the gold teeth.”

Janeway says, “Don’t worry, you don’t have the gold teeth.”

Tuvok says, “Oh my! Please don’t tell me he gave me the dentures. I can’t stand the dentures!”

Janeway assures him, “I promise Tuvok, you don’t have the dentures either.”

Tuvok is concerned, “Well, if I don’t have the gold teeth and I don’t have the dentures, then what do I have?”

Janeway replies, “You have the Bridge.” (ba dum bum)

Tuvok feels much better and Torres announces the Doctor has been repaired. They activate the Doctor and says, “Hey Baby! I’m back! Er, I mean, what is the big medical emergency? Something like that...”

Torres says, “Oops, I forgot to delete his obnoxious/irritating subroutines.”

Janeway replies, “Oh, that’s okay. So Doctor, you feel like you can resume your medical duties?”

The Doctor replies, “You better believe it, Janey-Waney. You can send me any sick person you want. I can handle any Tom, Dick or Harry.”

Janeway says, “Very well. We can find you a Tom and a Harry to operate on. But I’m afraid we don’t have any Dicks on Voyager.”

Torres says, “I’m not touching that one with a ten foot pole...”

A while later, Janeway returns to the bridge and Chakotay says, “You know, Captain. There is nothing stopping us now! We can finally... Finally be married.”

Janeway says, “You’re right!! Let’s do it!!”

Suddenly, Mr. Kim interrupts and says, “Holy buckets, Captain there is a ship heading right for us. They are on a collision course!!”

Janeway screams, “Red alert!!”

Then Mr. Kim says, “The pilot of the ship is beaming aboard...”

The Bridge crew is shocked when a woman who looks like Captain Janeway beams on board. The woman is carrying a weed-whacker. The real Janeway says, “Look honey, who are you supposed to be??”

The other Janeway says, “You can call me Old Lady Janeway. I come from 47 years in your future! I’ve come to stop you from making a fatal mistake.”

The real Janeway says, “Explain!”

Old Lady Janeway answers, “You are about to marry Commander Chakotay. But what you do not know is that 47 years from now, Chakotay is going to have an affair with a blonde bimbo named Beatrice!”

Chakotay says, “What?? What are you talking about?”

Old Lady Janeway says, “You can’t worm your way out of this one! I am mad as Hell. In fact, I think the precise word is FURY!!!” (insert thunder again)

Old Lady Janeway says, “So I’ve come back in time to prevent you from cheating on me in the future.”

The Real Janeway says, “Oh yeah?? And how are you going to prevent Chakotay from sleeping with another woman???”

Then Old Lady Janeway says, “Oh you see Kathryn, that’s where this weed-whacker comes into the picture...”

And with that, Chakotay turns incredibly pale...