Chapter 43: “The Pinky Swear of Death”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published April 30, 2000
“Thank God, its almost over,” says the rest of humanity!!!
“Captain’s Log: A Cheesy 80’s Sitcom. Chakotay, Seven of Nine and myself are still on the AOK Planet (Alpha Omega Kappa). Chakotay had to pretend he was gay to keep us from being evicted from the planet. For some reason, which seems to further the plot, this planet’s atmosphere is the only thing keeping the Cardassian rat poison from killing us. So Chakotay’s had to keep up the gay charade, and he’s had to suffer a fate worse than death: a Joan Crawford movie marathon with Wesley Crusher...”
At the movie marathon Chakotay asks Wesley, “Okay. Two questions: Aren’t you supposed to be dead? And how did you turn gay all the sudden?”
Wesley replies, “Okay two answers: Number one: I was presumed dead. Number two, I have amnesia, I have forgotten that I was straight.”
Chakotay replies, “Oh, okay. Those things happen...”
Meanwhile... on Voyager...
Tuvok is still Voyager’s captain. Mr. Kim makes a suggestion and says, “Mr. Tuvok, maybe we should ask the Vidiians if they have a cure for the Cardassian rat poison.”
Mr. Tuvok freaks and says, “No Vidiians!! Ever!!! And Mr. Kim, if you ever say the ‘V’ word again, I will pull every single hair out of your skull and make a carpet out of it!”
Mr. Kim bumbles under his breath, “He needs a good Pon farr...”
Suddenly, Mr. Paris announces, “Captain Tuvok! I see the USS Excelsior on an intercept course!”
Tuvok says, “Oh, dear. Without the Captain Janeway’s nonexistent tactical wisdom, we can never hope to outsmart the Excelsior...”
Suddenly Tuvok has a flashback and says, “Wait!! I just remembered. I used to serve with Captain Sulu on Excelsior about 150 years ago! I think this will be a perfect opportunity to infiltrate his crew and bring Sulu and his cronies down! I will tell him I wish to rejoin his crew!”
Meanwhile... on the Excelsior...
About 25 billion phasers are pointed at Holo-Suder. Sulu says, “There will be no salvation for you Holo-Suder. Your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower! Nothing can stop your execution now... nothing!!”
Suddenly, Dr. Crusher says, “Captain Sulu!! Voyager is hailing us. Tuvok wants to rejoin your crew!”
Sulu, the eternal bluffer, says, “Stop the execution! You’re safe for now, Holo-Suder. I must prepare for Tuvok’s arrival. Lt. Uhura, take Holo-Suder to the brig!!”
Uhura asks, “Do we have a brig?”
Sulu replies, “If not, find a broom closet.”
Moments later, Tuvok beams to Excelsior and says, “Wazzup, Sulu?”
Sulu replies, “I’m glad you’ve come to your senses, Tuvok. I’m glad you’ve decided to turn to the dark side.”
Tuvok says, “Ah, fughetaboutit.”
Sulu then says, “You will help me destroy Voyager once and for all!!”
Back on Voyager...
The crew realizes that they don’t have a captain anymore. No Janeway, no Chakotay, no Tuvok. The crew begins to wonder who should take over as Captain. Ensign Kim says, “Well obviously, I should be the Captain. Because I always work the night shift!”
Mr. Paris says, “Hmph! So what, janitors work the night shift too. Doesn’t mean that they are ready to command a starship. Obviously, I should be the Captain!”
Torres races to the Bridge and says, “Excuse me. But I’m the girl. And Voyager needs a girl captain. And I nominate myself!”
Neelix suggests, “Why not let Naomi be the captain?? Or is she still presumed dead?”
After moments of heated debate. The senior officers decide to spin the “Wheel of Conn” to see who will be the Captain. Round and round it goes. The spinning wheel slows down. Grows slower and slower. And finally lands on.... Mr. Neelix!
Neelix says, “Me?? Captain?? All right for that!!”
A bitter Mr. Kim says, “Okay, Captain, what are you going to do about Excelsior?? They still want to destroy us!”
Neelix replies, “I think we should magnetize the hull.”
Kim asks, “What for???”
Neelix says, “Um.... So we can stick it on a refrigerator??? No, wait!! I have a better idea, let’s get out of here. Warp 9!!”
The Excelsior crew watches as Voyager jumps to warp speed. Sulu says, “Okay, Mr. Tuvok. Time to prove your loyalty. Tell us how we can track Voyager’s course!!”
Suddenly, Lt. Uhura says, “Captain Sulu!! There are 47 Borg ships headed right for us!”
Sulu says, “Okay... is that bad?? I never heard of the Borg.”
Tuvok says, “They are big mean evil robots from the 24th century. And they can’t decide if you pronounce futile as ‘few-tile’ or ‘few-tul.’”
Meanwhile... Holo-Suder escapes from the broom closet. He rushes to sickbay and says to the Voyager EMH, “Good news, Doctor!! Tuvok is here to help us. We need to help him take control of Excelsior!! Do you have a plan??”
The Doctor replies, “Well the first step is to triage, which means assess the patient’s condition and prioritize treatment accordingly.”
Holo-Suder gasps, “Good gravy Marie!! The Doctor is starting to malfunction, I must get him back to Voyager at once!”
Meanwhile... on the Borg ship...
Kes hails the Excelsior and says, “We are the Borg. We need to get some Cardassian rat poison from you... NOW! Resistance is few-tul!”
Tuvok says, “Don’t you mean ‘few-tile’?”
Kes says, “Oh, I see we have a Vulcan smart-ass on board! Enough of these twits. Boothby, Mrs. Khan: Let’s destroy them and take the poison by force!”
Sulu says, “Way to be, Tuvok.... Ya dork.”
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
Captain Neelix decides to contact the Vidiians in order to get the cure for Janeway, Chakotay and Seven. The Vidiian captain appears on screen and says, “Why, yes, Mr. Neelix. We have plenty of the cure on board. Why don’t you meet us in one hour, and we’ll give you some.”
Neelix says, “This isn’t some kind of trap, is it? You’re not going to try to destroy us are you?”
The Vidiian says, “No, I wouldn’t do a mean thing like that...”
Neelix asks, “Pinky swear?”
The Vidiian replies, “Pinky swear!”
Neelix believes him and orders Voyager to set a course for the Vidiian coordinates.
Meanwhile... back on the AOK planet...
Prime Minister Roper finds Seven and Janeway and says, “Guess what! I think Wesley and Chakotay have really hit it off! In fact, I’ve decided to perform a marriage for them... tomorrow!”
Seven says, “Let me get this straight. You won’t let a guy live in a house with two girls, but you give out same sex marriages?”
Mr. Roper says, “Yup. Weird, huh?”
Captain Janeway weeps to herself and says, “I cannot let Chakotay marry Wesley Crusher. Chakotay is my sugar-booger. I will sabotage this wedding. Even if it means we get evicted off this planet...”
Back on Voyager...
Voyager arrives at the Vidiian coordinates to obtain the cure. Suddenly, 47 Vidiian ships decloak off the port bow. Neelix is mad and says, “I’m mad!! Those Vidiians lied to me!”
The Evil Excelsior EMH, who wants to return to Excelsior, decides to help Voyager, because he really doesn’t want to die. The Evil-EMH says, “I’ve detected the cure on one of the Vidiian ships. We can beam it aboard!”
Neelix says, “Mr. Paris. Check the continuity logs. Can we beam through our shields in this episode?”
Paris says, “Afraid not, Captain Neelix. We’ll have to lower the shields for this episode.”
Neelix says, “Damn!! Okay. Well, here are the sequence of events. We will lower shields for the Doctor to transport the medicine. At the same moment, Ensign Vorik will pull down his pants and moon the Vidiians as a distraction. Moments later, Torres will eject some really explosive stuff into space. Meanwhile, we will project holographic images of huge elephants into space to confuse the Vidiians. And then, Mr. Kim will launch some phasers to activate the really explosive stuff. And then, I will smack Mr. Paris on the head and say, ‘All right, dummy, go to warp speed!’ As he prepares to go to warp speed, Ensign Wildman will make prank phone calls to the Vidiian ships, while they are busy tracing the call, we will beam 47 photon torpedoes onto the 47 different Vidiian ships. At that point, we’ll tell Ensign Vorik to pull up his pants and head to Shuttlebay 2. When he gets to Shuttlebay 2, we will chop off Vorik’s head and beam it into space. The Vidiians will be mortified by the severed head and will rethink their plan to attack us. Then, I will make contact with a Talaxian convoy nearby and tell them that we will give them lots of money if they help us destroy the Vidiians, and then, I’ll call the bank and ask for a loan of a considerable amount of money... And then...”
Kim says, “Enough already, Mr. Neelix!!! Jeepers!! Why don’t you just let me forge the continuity logs so that we can beam the cure through the shields?”
Neelix realizes that Kim’s idea is quite brilliant and he says, “Bake it, Flo!”
The crew looks at Neelix in confusion. Then Mr. Paris says, “I think you mean, ‘Make it so’...”
Neelix says, “Oh yeah... Make it so!”
Minutes later, the cure is beamed aboard Voyager and they race toward the AOK Planet...