The Voyager Coronary: The Slow-Motion Picture, Part I
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
Published June 23, 2000
Back by popular demand... Okay, back by semi-popular demand... Okay, back because I have nothing to do at the moment...
- Liza Minelli as Captain Janeway
- Al Gore as Commander Chakotay
- Bill Cosby as Mr. Tuvok
- Telly Savalas as The Doctor
- Gary Coleman as Mr. Neelix
- Howdy Doody as Tom Paris
- Bruce Lee as Ensign Harry Kim
- Julia Roberts as B’Elanna Torres
- Dolly Parton as Seven of Nine
- The J-Team as Themselves
- Special effects by those Star Wars people (we can afford them when we make films)
- Makeup by Elizabeth Arden
- Hair by Don King
- Original song “We Like Voyager Even Though They Don’t Have Damage Week to Week” by The Cure
- Written by You-Know-Who
- Rejected by Anybody with half a brain
“Captain’s Log: The Big Screen. How I’ve longed for this moment. It’s been several weeks since I got my crew home. And it’s been boring as hell. Tom did not get sent back to prison. Torres and Chakotay did not get locked up for their Maquis stunts. Seven of Nine was not dissected by the Federation. The Doctor’s program was not erased. And I was not court-martialed for any of my allegedly questionable acts. So the question remains: Why the hell did anybody want us getting home before the final episode?? We haven’t ventured on a space flight since our return. Starfleet is carefully studying Voyager. They can’t believe we didn’t have a single scratch on our hull after all the battles we had. It’s been a long time since I’ve talked to my crew. I am, however, still happily married to Chakotay. Although, he does not appreciate it when I make him call me Captain when we go out to dinner. All part of the fun mind you. But other than that: Sheer Boredom. Makes me wonder if some terrible, terrible events are unfolding in the Delta Quadrant...”
Meanwhile... There are some terrible, terrible events unfolding in the Delta Quadrant...
A dinky little starship, owned by a group of people calling themselves the J-Team, approaches a huge, ominous cloud. Captain J-Fan says to Ensign J-Fan, “What is that big blue cloud we are approaching?”
Ensign J-Fan answers, “It seems to be a big blue cloud. Other than that, we don’t know.”
Captain J-Fan says, “Well, what do you know???”
The Ensign says, “Well, I can tell you that Kathryn Janeway was born in Indiana in the year...”
Captain J-Fan says, “Never mind! Do we have any torpedoes?”
The Ensign replies, “Lots... At least 47 of them.”
The Captain’s voice booms, “Very well! Target the center of that cloud and fire like crazy!”
The Ensign is worried, “But Captain, are you sure that’s a good idea?”
The Captain says, “Of course, idiot! How else are we going to provoke them?? Now follow my orders and fire!!”
Minutes later the torpedoes are launched and reach the cloud boundary. The J-Team is astonished when they see the missiles completely disappear. The Captain freaks and says, “What happened??”
The Ensign says, “I think the cloud ate our torpedoes!”
The Captain says, “Ate our torpedoes? You can’t come up with any kind of technobabble? Fine! I’ll think of some... A-ha! It seems the nebula has the ability to neutralize any weapon. We are no match for them!”
The Ensign then screams, “Captain! The nebula is firing a weapon at us... We’re doomed!”
The Captain says, “My God! What a bummer! This nebula will pose quite a threat to this galaxy. We must send a warning message to the only person in this galaxy that we can trust to handle this threat!”
The Ensign says dramatically, “You mean....”
The Captain says, “Yes! Captain Kathryn Janeway herself! Prepare a message for her holiness!” Minutes later the message is transmitted, and a few seconds after that the J-Team ship is destroyed.
Meanwhile... In Janeway’s lair...
Chakotay rushes into the living room and says, “Captain! Look, you have received a transmission!”
Janeway says, “Very well. I will read it. In the meantime, you go into the kitchen and fix me a cup of coffee. And if it doesn’t taste the way I like it, I will pour it down your pants.”
Chakotay says, “Ummmmm... I’ve been wondering. We aren’t on board Voyager anymore. You aren’t my Captain. Should I really still be taking orders from you?”
Janeway responds, “It’s either that, or the brig.”
Chakotay moans, “Yes Ma’am,” and heads into the kitchen in search for the ultimate cup of coffee. While Janeway activates her transmission... The voice says:
“Captain Kathryn Janeway... May I call you Goddess? I am the President and founder of the J-Team... An unauthorized Janeway fan club... Delta Quadrant Chapter. I’m contacting you because we are in terrible, terrible danger. A very huge torpedo-eating nebula seems to be on a direct course to Earth. I am informing you because I know you are the only woman in the universe who could stop this nebula from destroying your planet. I beg you to consider an attack on this nebula. Also... if it’s not too much trouble... And if we aren’t disintegrated by the nebula... Would you mind sending us an autographed picture and a lock of your hair? Not your current hair, the hair from your ‘bun’ days...”
With that, the transmission ends. Janeway screams, “Chakotay!! Get your fat ass in here this minute!”
Chakotay rushes in and says, “Yes Ma’am?”
Janeway continues, “Assemble the senior staff. We have a crisis on our hands. Assemble them this instant!”
Chakotay says, “Right away!”
Janeway says, “Wait!! Aren’t you forgetting something?? My coffee?? Looks like I will be using Captain’s Prerogative and not giving you any Janeway-booty this evening...”
Meanwhile... In the Kim household...
A terrible squawking noise fills the whole house. It kind of sounds like somebody is murdering a cow in their kitchen. Mr. Kim turns to Mrs. Kim and says, “I am never going to forgive you for this, Mrs. Kim!”
Mrs. Kim says, “Why are you calling me Mrs. Kim?”
Mr. Kim replies, “Our first names have never been established. Like I was saying, this is unforgivable. That horrible wretched noise in the basement!!”
Mrs. Kim says, “Aaaaah... You mean Harry playing the clarinet?”
Mr. Kim says, “Yes!! He is no damn good at it! Never has been! We had the stupid thing here for seven years while he was in the Delta Quadrant... But God forbid you should burn the stupid thing!”
Mrs. Kim says, “Hey, I’m not very proud of him myself. An Ensign??? For seven years?? Where did we go wrong with this boy??”
The Kim’s prayers are answered when Harry momentarily stops playing the clarinet to receive an incoming transmission. Minutes later he rushes up the stairs and says, “Mr. Kim... Mrs. Kim... I have bad news... I must leave home. I must rejoin Voyager. I must give up the clarinet for the time being.”
The Kim’s scream, “Hey! We’ll help you pack!!”
Meanwhile... In Las Vegas...
The Doctor and Seven of Nine stand before an Elvis impersonator who has agreed to perform their marriage. The two of them decide they want to be husband and wife... Or Hologram and wife, if you prefer.
Elvis looks at both of them and says, “Well little darlin’. I’d be happy to marry you two. Doc, looks like you can’t help falling in love with her. And Seven, looks like you love him tender. So, first we just need to get the formalities out of the way. Have you two had your blood test?”
The Doctor turns pale and says, “I’m a Doctor, not a blood bank! Besides, I’m a hologram, and holograms don’t bleed.”
Elvis responds, “Sounds like Heartbreak Hotel to me. I’m afraid the rules state I must have a blood test. First of all, it’s the law. And I don’t want you to be doing the Jailhouse Rock. Secondly, it’s mandatory to make sure you’re not carrying any sexually transmitted diseases.”
The Doctor says, “Sexually transmitted diseases?? I’m a doctor, not a ho!!”
Elvis says, “Actually, you ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog. And I refuse to marry you two... Goodbye!”
Seven glares at Elvis and says, “Graceland will be assimilated!!”
Suddenly, their unfolding drama is interrupted by an urgent message. They learn they must return to Voyager at once. It’s a matter of galactic importance.
Meanwhile... at the Paris dinner table...
Admiral Paris glares at Tom and says, “Tom! Why on earth are you dating this half-Klingon girl? Whatever happened to those Delaney Sisters?”
Tom says, “Delaney Schmalaney! B’Elanna is my babe and you can’t stop me!”
Torres is confused, “Did you say babe?”
Tom says, “Yes.... Babe.”
Sonny and Cher briefly enter the dining room and sing, “Babe.... I’ve got you babe” and then leave.
Admiral Paris says, “Well, I will not allow this! As long as you live under my house, you live under my rules!”
Torres becomes angry and says, “I have an idea! Why don’t I make sure you live about six feet under ground!”
A fist-fight insues. When all is said and done, Admiral Paris lies unconscious on the floor with a chicken bone sticking out of his left nostril. Tom has two black eyes and a broken wrist. B’Elanna says to him, “Those were for ‘Babe’...”
This moment of domestic bliss is interrupted by a message from Janeway. They learn they must return to Voyager at once...
Meanwhile... on the planet Vulcan...
Tuvok puts on his best cologne: Sarek Number Five. He turns the lights down way low and puts on some Liberace records. He lights a few candles and waits for his wife to come home.
Finally Mrs. Tuvok arrives and says, “Well Tuvok, what’s this all about??”
Tuvok answers, “Haven’t you been keeping track on the calendar? It’s time for my Pon farr.”
Mrs. Tuvok says, “Not tonight, dear. I have a headache...”
Tuvok growls, “But it’s the Pon farr!”
Mrs. Tuvok finally agrees and gives into her husband’s wild, wanton and uncontrollable passion... Seven seconds later, he’s finished. He puts his clothes back on and says, “Indeed.”
Mrs. Tuvok says, “Wow. Good thing I didn’t blink.”
Suddenly this moment of afterglow is interrupted by a message from Captain Janeway, she must reassemble the crew at once. Tuvok gives Mrs. Tuvok a quick kiss goodbye and leaves.
Once Mrs. Tuvok is sure Tuvok is gone she says, “Psssst!! You can come out from under the bed now, Spock.”
Spock crawls out from under the bed and says, “Jeez! I didn’t think he’d ever leave... Now give me some of that Mrs. Tuvok Sugar-Lovin’.....”
Two days later... on Voyager’s bridge...
Janeway informs her crew of what’s happening, “There is a huge nebula, at this moment it’s 47.4 hours away from Earth. We are the only hope of intercepting this nebula. We can only hope that there’s a being in the center of the cloud that reasons the way we do...”
Suddenly, Janeway’s speech is interrupted by a priority signal from Deep Space Nine. Mr. Worf appears on screen and says, “Captain Janeway! This is Worf from Deep Space Nine, previously from The Next Generation. The cloud is closing in our location at this very moment... I am initiating scans.”
The view screen goes blurry for a moment... Worf says, “Captain! They may be mistaking our scans as a hostile act!!... I am now firing the photon torpedoes!”
The view screen goes blurry once more... Worf says, “Captain! They may be mistaking our torpedoes as a hostile act!... Good gravy Marie... We are under attack!”
Janeway yelps, “External view!” The external view activates and the Voyager crew watches as Deep Space Nine is totally disintegrated!
Janeway smirks and says, “Ha! So much for their motion picture!”
Suddenly, Mr. Neelix rushes to the Bridge and says, “Hi, kids, sorry I’m late!”
Janeway says, “Late??? You’re not supposed to be here at all! Nobody invited you. Nobody even really wants you here!”
Neelix says, “Oh Captain, the things you say... you big goof!”
Janeway says, “Ugh! Very well. Perhaps we’ll get lucky and you’ll be Ensign Expendable. Everybody else, we must get ready for battle. Mr. Paris: Plot an intercept course to the Nebula. Lt. Torres bring Warp Drive to full power. Doctor, prepare Sickbay for casualties... Hopefully Mr. Neelix. Mr. Tuvok, quit bragging about scoring with your wife and power up the defense systems. Mr. Kim, take clarinet lessons. Seven of Nine: Put some clothes on already, I’m tired of your boobs falling out all over the place. And Chakotay, listen to me very carefully because I’m only going to say this once: Coffee... Black!”
Moments later, Voyager leaves space-dock. Destination: Oblivion!!! (insert the return of the dramatic music right here)